Not another bad choice

[thisismylife]

I am in love with a wonderful man and am considering marriage. The relationship is wonderful in just about every way, and we are very happy. He shows his love through his faithfulness and care, and has made me the center of his world. He's also very good looking, a terrific lover, and lots of fun to be with and talk to.

 

He is nurturing and instinctively protective with my children on the occasions when we are all together (which have been rare). He's got a very even temper, is fair and reasonable in discussions and decision making, and is easy to get along with at all times. Did I mention that he is always helpful around (my) house without being asked? I cook, he does this dishes, makes the bed, does some handyman chores, even vacuums.

 

I feel happy with him - very loved and cared for, in a way that I never was in my previous major relationship. It's more than just happiness - it is often ecstasy.

 

Yes, there is a catch. He has a very spotty employment and educational history. When he does work, it is often with irregular hours, or in "under the table" arrangements (not a "real job" with paperwork, benefits, etc.) Over his adult life, I would be surprised if he has averaged $10k a year in earnings. Additionally, he makes poor financial decisions and has often been taken advantage of - by employers who don't pay him, "friends" who steal from him, ex-girlfriends who used him like a cash cow.

 

Hence, he has no savings and no reserve to fall back on when e.g. he has vehicle trouble. He's usually short of money to the point where we cannot eat out, take modest vacations, etc. (I pay my share, but I am not comfortable with the idea of regularly paying for him.) Family members help him out financially, otherwise he certainly could not make it the way he is doing things. His current "job" is with an irregular employer who is almost two months late in paying him. So he's stopped putting in many hours there - but believe it or not, he still does do some work for the guy!

 

When he works, he does work very hard, and gives good value for the money. Although he is not well educated, he is quite capable in several areas and has some marketable job skills.

 

He's working on finding a job with regular hours, and has been for quite a while. Although nominally looking for a job, he is displaying minimal "hustle". It is possible that he is doing the best he can - he is not an aggressive, get-up-and-go type. At this rate, it could easily take 1-2 years. I know the job market and its requirements around here very well, and I know that if he exerted himself, he could be employed (in a somewhat boring and low paid job) within a week.

 

I'm in the fortunate position of not needing anyone's financial support. I am well employed and have an ample salary, benefits and insurance, plus enough savings so that I could go for years without a job if I had to. (Naturally, I do not want to deplete my savings unnecessarily.) However, I cannot bear the idea of supporting him, and I have no reason to believe that he will be able to support himself (other than his assurances, and I am afraid those words sound empty when I do not see results). I would be quite happy with him making the amount of money he is currently capable of making. It's a lot less than I make, but then, I have worked very hard at my education and career. But...he's not even doing that.

 

If we married, and he continued the way he is, I know I would feel resentful, and it would be destructive to our love. I chose poorly for my first marriage (self-centered, work-obsessed, emotionally fragile man), and I am determined not to make a mistake that size the second time around. I have at times thought that rather than let our love be slowly, painfully, inevitably destroyed, I would prefer to end things while the memories of our happiness are still fresh, and before we've ever had an ugly argument focussed on my disappointment with his unkept promises. But...the thought of parting from him is very painful. I might never have this kind of happiness again. How good is "good enough"? If he has 92% of what I want in a man, should I teach myself to be satisfied?

 

CAN THIS WORK? Am I a fool for even considering it?

[Curmudgeon]

since, as you've already indicated, you could become resentful over time.

 

It sounds as if he rates high on every scale but financial. That means he has a lot going for him. Do you think some kind of motivational and financial counseling might help get him jump-started towards finding some form of permanent, even if not high-paying, employment?

 

If you do decide to take the bitter with the sweet I would certainly make clear from the outset that you will handle the household finances. That doesn't have to appear to be a slam. It's simply capitalizing on your strengths which is what a true partnership in a relationship is about.

 

One other thought. You have children. If they're young and if you could adequately support the household, what if he was to assume the position of house husband? That should not engender resentment on either side.

 

Finding a good person you're emotionally compatible with is a gift.

 

Best of luck!

[JayKay]

Sounds like he's a good guy in many ways....but not well-versed in financial management.

 

Have you sat and talked about finances yet?

 

Money happens to be one of the Big Top Three things that married couples argue about.

I think you both need to be up front and open about your expectations with regards to marriage.

 

In other words, you need to be clear that you are not willing to 'support' him and that he needs to show solid intentions to do what it takes to get and stay employed.

 

Work out a budget together; many couples fail to do this. Lay out your financial goals for the next five years. So much goes to investing....so much goes to vacations....so much goes to bills....

 

and have him agree to a certain percentage he is willing to take responsibility to for.

 

 

If you make a good deal more money than he does and also have substantial savings and/or investments, the prudent thing as well would be to have a solid pre-nup in place.

 

Sounds cold, but I would strongly advise you to consider it.

 

 

You might also consider living together pre-marriage. If he can't get his act together within a year, I'd tell him sorry.....you simply can't be married under the circumstances.

 

 

People find it hard to change, and unfortunately you may have to draw a hard line to GET him to change. People don't often make big changes unless faced with major consequences.

[jmargel]

You are looking for the perfect guy, guess what.. He doesn't exist!

 

If he's willing to get the help to find a successful career, why not help him? Sounds like he's been meeting all your needs, have you been meeting his? This one flaw he has (or whatever you call it) instead of taking an approach to help fix this you are thinking of running away.

 

Nice.

 

Relationships take work, put some effort into it.

[thisismylife]

If he's willing to get the help to find a successful career, why not help him?

I actually do help him quite a bit, with encouragement, praise and a little bit of advice. Of course, I can always improve.

 

Sounds like he's been meeting all your needs, have you been meeting his?

Yes, he tells me that our r/s is his dream come true and he is intensely happy.

 

This one flaw he has (or whatever you call it) instead of taking an approach to help fix this you are thinking of running away.

Not quite. Rather than run away, I am thinking seriously about what it would really take to sustain our love over time. If there is a "fatal flaw" (I am not saying there is), then it would be foolhardy to continue to plan a life together.

 

Should every couple stay together? Even if they both judge that the odds are against them? What if he knew that he loved me deeply, but that my substance abuse problem (this is hypothetical, I don't actually have such a problem) would make it impossible for me to ever be the mother of his children? If he sadly called it off, would that be "running away", or just making a decision that is best for both in the long term?

 

Nice.

Thanks...I guess.

 

Relationships take work, put some effort into it.

OK, I'll continue to do so.

 

JK and Curmudgeon, thanks for your thoughts. Somehow, they were so reasonable and helpful I didn't feel that instant urge to respond.

[JayKay]

JMargel your answer surprises me...

 

 

Finances can be a huge strain on a relationship. I think the OP's concerns are well founded.

 

And it sounds like she IS working on it....by asking for advice and considering what she can do to help!

[Lennox]

My mom always said: Take whatever problems the man has before marriage and multiply them by 10....and that's what you're going to have after marriage.

 

I just turned 40 and realized that my mom was actually right about this. I believe the number one reason couples fight is over financial matters.

 

You stand to lose half your savings, half your retirement, half of everything if this marriage doesn't work out. You stand to have to support this man for the rest of your life with spousal support...because you married him when he had no real income. My response? DON'T DO IT!!!!! Enjoy the sex...enjoy the companionship...enjoy living with each other if you like...but DON'T MIX UP THE MONEY!

 

Now, I can be realistic and I know that there's a good possibility that you're going to marry this "gem" anyway. We ladies tend to think with our hearts on our sleeves. If you decide to marry him...and I STRONGLY advise against it...please...please...please GET A PRE-NUPTUAL AGREEMENT! One that is iron clad and plainly spells out that your money is your money...and your house, your retirement, your assets are YOURS ONLY, no matter what happens in the marriage in perpetuity.

 

If he's intensely happy now that you're not married, that shouldn't change right? Cover your butt girl!

[Sal Paradise]

I think money is a pretty shallow thing to break up with someone over. You don't sound like you really love him. Breaking up with him is probably the best thing you can do for him. At least then he can find a woman who loves him for who he is as a person and not the size of his wallet.

[justagirliegirl]

WYSIWYG

 

Chances are he will never change this part about him. I would be very surprised if he does. I also question why his jobs are under the table jobs?

 

If you can be 100% satisfied with you being the primary breadwinner and him never changing then I would say go for it with a few reservations. Get a pre nup to protect yourself and your children. Have a very thorough background check done on him, after all he is going to be around your children.

[JayKay]

"I think money is a pretty shallow thing to break up with someone over. You don't sound like you really love him. Breaking up with him is probably the best thing you can do for him. At least then he can find a woman who loves him for who he is as a person and not the size of his wallet. "

 

 

She doesn't want to be SUPPORTED by him. She wants someone who can contribute EQUALLY or at least PARTIALLY to the finances of the household.

 

If this were reversed and the OP was a man and the partner was a woman, I don't think you men would be slamming her.

[Lennox]

It's ok JayKay, Sal is in New Orleans...he is biased because he doesn't have anything left either.

 

The fact is that we women are finally getting to the point where we are becoming more equals with men in regards to our salaries and assets. A woman with children especially stands to lose a LOT if she doesn't protect her own and her children's future in this regard with a pre-nuptual agreement. If I was going to marry a guy with this type of record, I'd get a pre-nuptual agreement even without kids being involved. The fact that she has children to protect is just more reason she shouldn't marry this guy...and get a pre-nup if she does.

 

If the situation was reversed I'd advise the fellow the same thing.

[jmargel]

So in my case I should divorce my wife?

 

She works, two jobs however her school loan, car loan & credit card bills take up 80% of her income. The other 20% she has to live off of. So in my case I am stuck paying all the bills (mortgage, utilities, etc..). Am I aware that this will continue for quite a long time? Yep. Do I love her any less because of it? Nope. Is our future doomed because of it? I don't think so.

 

Ever think that maybe YOU are the inspiration for him to finally settle down in a career? He's finally found something worthwhile to invest in a future for? BTW, what kinda job does he have now? What kinda education?

 

Honestly I would talk to him about it. Sounds like you two haven't been communicating about this. I wouldn't threaten him or give him an ultamatium but that it's important for the both of you that each of you are on stable ground financially. I'm sure he hates living this way since it makes his ego & self-worth feel pretty small when he can't find work and take you out & do things with you. No need to bash him into the ground. Approach it in a way that'll have a positive effect.

 

If you were to leave this guy and find another there is no guarantee you'll come up with a better hand then what you left. All I am suggesting is to give it a fair shot before giving up on the relationship.

[Sal Paradise]

It's ok JayKay, Sal is in New Orleans...he is biased because he doesn't have anything left either.

 

The fact is that we women are finally getting to the point where we are becoming more equals with men in regards to our salaries and assets. A woman with children especially stands to lose a LOT if she doesn't protect her own and her children's future in this regard with a pre-nuptual agreement. If I was going to marry a guy with this type of record, I'd get a pre-nuptual agreement even without kids being involved. The fact that she has children to protect is just more reason she shouldn't marry this guy...and get a pre-nup if she does.

 

If the situation was reversed I'd advise the fellow the same thing.

 

 

You don't know what I did or didn't lose in the hurricane should you really should just the hell up about crap you know nothing about.

 

 

As far as women losing financially in the relationship. Guys have been doing it for years. So its ok for men to marry women who bring nothing financially to the relationship but women are earning more are some how different? Women wanted equality. Now they have it. And along with that comes the responsibility of sometimes being the bread winner. You can't have it both ways.

[Sal Paradise]

It's ok JayKay, Sal is in New Orleans...he is biased because he doesn't have anything left either.

 

The fact is that we women are finally getting to the point where we are becoming more equals with men in regards to our salaries and assets. A woman with children especially stands to lose a LOT if she doesn't protect her own and her children's future in this regard with a pre-nuptual agreement. If I was going to marry a guy with this type of record, I'd get a pre-nuptual agreement even without kids being involved. The fact that she has children to protect is just more reason she shouldn't marry this guy...and get a pre-nup if she does.

 

If the situation was reversed I'd advise the fellow the same thing.

 

 

You don't know what I did or didn't lose in the hurricane, so you really should just shut the hell up about crap you know nothing about.

 

 

As far as women losing financially in the relationship. Guys have been doing it for years. So its ok for men to marry women who bring nothing financially to the relationship but women are earning more are some how different? Women wanted equality. Now they have it. And along with that comes the responsibility of sometimes being the bread winner. You can't have it both ways.

[Sal Paradise]

Tried to edit the first post and it made a dublicate. Well ignore the first one.

[Lennox]

Sal:

What about "If the situation was reversed, I'd advise the fellow the same thing" didn't you understand????

 

Did the hurricane do a number on your brain too?

 

In addition, since when do two wrongs make a right? Just because men have been stupid enough to be screwed in the past doesn't mean that women have to follow suit. You're essentially telling this woman that she must do something stupid just because men have done it. Get a clue! Just how much child support are you stuck with paying anyway?

[Sal Paradise]

Look just because you disagree with me doesn't mean you need to bring the hurricane into the discussion. It has nothing to with my opinion. I had the same opinion before the storm.

 

I think it was uncalled for to make that comment at all. Especially since you don't know me nor do you know how the storm effected me. You don't what I lost or if I lost anything. So why comment on it unless you're trying to be an a**hole?

[justagirliegirl]

I think money is a pretty shallow thing to break up with someone over. You don't sound like you really love him. Breaking up with him is probably the best thing you can do for him. At least then he can find a woman who loves him for who he is as a person and not the size of his wallet.

 

Not any more shallow than men who won't date anyone over a size 6 dress size.

 

jarmargel, but she does work. I suppose you had the option not to marry someone up to their eyeballs in debt too.

 

I don't think the actual money is the point with the op.

 

As for me, I don't care if I am the primary breadwinner. I would just hope he would contribute to the relationship in other ways.

[JayKay]

jarmargel, but she does work. I suppose you had the option not to marry someone up to their eyeballs in debt too.

 

 

I agree. She IS working and she appears to have goals, since she is paying off debt. While you are saddled with expenses, it appears you ALSO have wife who displays financial responsibility.

 

So no, I don't think you should divorce your wife. Nobody was implying that a financially 'unequal' relationship is doomed. But getting together with someone who displays financial incompetence CAN spell disaster for many couples.

[Guest5]

Will you EVER be totally happy with ANY man? I think not.

 

Let's see... you complain about your first husband working too much and now this guy works too little.

I can't believe you would put some financials over the love of your life... he must not be the love of your life then.

 

It's not like he isn't trying or is a bum. He's working and as it seems takes what he can get.

 

Maybe you are too scared and coming up with any excuse you can not to be with him? Possibly this relationship isn't for you then.