Destroying three people's lives

[LyingCheatInPieces]

Right.

 

I am 41. I have never cheated on anyone before.

 

I have lived with the same woman, of my age, for 8 years. In some ways the realtionship is good, but there are some long-term issues damaging it. First of all, I have never felt 100% accepted as the person I am by her. She often nit-picks me and sometimes ridicules my behaviour. Our sex life is not outstanding; sometimes we go for weeks without anything. Also, because I moved in with her, she often cites how "lucky" I am to be in this position of being in a nice house etc. She is unhappy in her job and now says it is "my turn" to take charge of things. This means, in effect that she wants me to move with her to another country to a city I absolutely dread to live there and take work which she "helps" me "choose" (in other words she searches for job ads and says I should apply for them). I feel as if I am being blackmailed.

 

I neither want to go back to that city or do that kind of work; I want to set up my own business in the country we are in now, doing completely different type of work than before. I do not want to rewind my lifestyle to where I was 20 years ago. I have told her this but she is determined we are going to "move". She says she no longer wants to buy anything for the house and is even preparing to sell the house (which is hers) so "we" can move. She says she is becoming bitter.

 

I feel that I have no control over my life and where it is heading. I have felt very unhappy deep inside for months, maybe longer.

 

Some weeks ago I met a girl of 21 (a complete stranger until then) We have begun a relationship. We have extremely passionate sex. She has had an extremely (and I mean extremely) turbulent relationship history before me and has never a stable relationship. She says she has never met anyone like me ever and has pretty much stated that she would like it if I moved in with her and she would be totally devoted to me. As far is it is possible to do so, I do actually believe her on this score. We feel a very strong connection, although of course I realise that we are living an illusion right now.

 

My emotions are falling to pieces; I am normally very happy go lucky but I cannot sleep and feel like bursting into tears all the time.

 

When I look at my girlfriend I think that I am going to totally destroy her life, maybe cause her to have a nervous breakdown. I have already upset her because I told her I have been unhappy with the relationship for months (which is true). When I see the anguish on her face I could collapse. I do not know why I am doing this, I am falling into pieces. If she found out about this I think she would literally collapse into pieces. I envisage her in 20 years as a sad, nerve-racked lonely woman on tranquilisers, whose life and state of mind was ruined by my behaviour.

 

I have strong feelings for the OW and also feel I could cause her serious emotional damage. I realise that what I have done indicates a lot is wrong in my life. But I could envisage being with the OW, however insane that may sound to you.

 

At the crossroads I stand I do not know which direction to go down. I simply cannot stand things to remain like this for long.

[NatoPMT]

Have you honestly explained and discussed the full range of issues you have concerning the relationship with your partner?

[hyakku]

When I look at my girlfriend I think that I am going to totally destroy her life, maybe cause her to have a nervous breakdown. I have already upset her because I told her I have been unhappy with the relationship for months (which is true). When I see the anguish on her face I could collapse. I do not know why I am doing this, I am falling into pieces. If she found out about this I think she would literally collapse into pieces. I envisage her in 20 years as a sad, nerve-racked lonely woman on tranquilisers, whose life and state of mind was ruined by my behaviour.

 

I have strong feelings for the OW and also feel I could cause her serious emotional damage. I realise that what I have done indicates a lot is wrong in my life. But I could envisage being with the OW, however insane that may sound to you.

 

At the crossroads I stand I do not know which direction to go down. I simply cannot stand things to remain like this for long.

 

Woah. Stop. Stop. Stop.

 

Let me get this straight, she is dictating your life, treating you like crap, forcing you to move, making you go insane, yet SHE is the one thats going to be on tranquilisers? As it is now it sounds like you NEED to be on tranqs (no offense). You are so busy concerned about what she is going to be like in TWENTY years, that you aren't thinking about what YOU are going to be like in twenty years. You have dreams, you have passions, you have desires, if you are making enough money to support your side, then you do whatever you damn well please, if she doesn't like it SHE can move back to Old country, don't have yourself tormented by some ficitonal idea that she is going to snap and go crazy and kill herself if you break up with her. People divorce every day and crap happens, its not that bad, and you didn't even say if your married.

 

To ask though, what country ARE you in?

[LyingCheatInPieces]

BigBelm, thanks, yes I have, but I realise I am going to have to do so more strongly.

 

Which leads me on to hyakku, yes, you are right, thanks for some very good advice. You have made me see it from another angle, which I knew was there, but it is good to hear it from someone else.

 

I'm in a European country, don't take it personally but I don't like to reveal too many location details!!! A bit daft I know, but...

[incognito]

Ok...just because she's treating you like crap doesn't mean you get to cheat and lie and possibly destroy two people's lives. You cheating on her (w/ an innocent woman I might add) is just you running from the problems you have in your relationship w/ your GF. If you don't want to be w/ your GF, tell her that and end things w/ her. If you do, then tell her what's wrong w/ your relationship and vow to work on things w/ her and end things w/ the OW.

[theantibarbie23]

This isn't going to be easy but you need to show some integrity and come clean to your girlfriend about this affair. If your relationship is making you that miserable then by all means you should go and find your own happiness, however, you should really of waited until after you ended things to do so. I'm sure you'd be less than thrilled if she had done that to you.

 

As for the 21 year old, end things before they start getting too serious and you are in over your head. The last thing you need right now is to jump into another relationship. A relationship with someone with an unstable past that has bad decision making abilities when it comes to relationships no less! You need to work on healing yourself. You need to figure out what it is that enabled you to let things get this out of control in your life.

[lilmoma1973]

 

I would suggest you go to counseling and work on this relationship instead of wanting to turn to cheating !! Cheating isn't going to make things any better.. Then if you have tried everything to make it work after counseling then leave her and be with someone else!! Even though you aren't married you two have invested a lot of time in this relationship and you owe her that to figure out what is the problem.. Good luck

[SoleMate]

Have you ever asked yourself the essential question, "Why am I staying with my live-in lover?" I mean, REALLY asked and answered it. Because I can guarantee you there's a reason that you have stayed with someone who "makes you so unhappy".

 

You're not married...you're free to go. Yet, you have stayed and you continue to stay. Why?

 

Who controls your life? Is it you?

 

If so, when?

[NatoPMT]

The OW aside, you describe a pretty horrific sounding relationship. I would never wish to be with a person who treats me the way your gf is treating you, and i would never wish to be with a bf who treats me the way you are treating your gf.

 

You have covered these points with her and have not able to reach a compromise with her that makes you comfortable enough to remain faithful to her. Your next step and your only option is a mediator who can counsel you both to effective communication. However, why you would want to is a different matter. You say these are long term issues, so maybe it is better to accept that you are not compatible past the stage in the relationshipyou are now at.

 

I would have some time on your own, The OW relationship is not real. Its based on your fantasies of escape and you will only know if you have put OW on a pedestal she deserves with some distance and perspective. You need to withdraw from a relationship with your gf that you are stuck in out of fear.

 

I believe that during your time alone, you need to reconsider why you would cheat on someone you have spent 8 years with, rather than accepting her stance on issues that you are unhappy with. If you cant accept who she is and how shes treating you, you seek help or extricate yourself.

 

ps Hi Solemate! Long time no see!

[LyingCheatInPieces]

It's impossible to disagree with any of the hard, home truths you have all posted here.

 

The update is that yesterday I firmly reiterated that I did not want to live in ... or work there. I have said this before. I have suggested before that I would be prepared to live in another town in the same country but this is always rejected (fair enough).

 

The response was that she broke down and then this morning said she was going to get tranquilisers. She later admitted regretting saying the latter.

 

Why was she so upset? "I thought I was going to... I was planning to... - with you."

 

"You never tell me anything then it all comes out in a big flood."

 

She opposes my business idea because she says it is a massive gamble and that if it failed I would lose all the financial resources I have (fair enough point of view). But also, I know of course, because that would tie me to stay here. Earlier in the day she spent about an hour criticising the city in which we live (not uncommon) and said, "sorry but this is going to be my last winter here."

 

Communication problems? Obviously. Either one, or both of us, talks to each other, hears but does not listen, but rarely talk with each other.

 

Perhaps at the end of the day we are just too independent for each other. Neither of us will yield to go in the direction the other wants.

 

The OW situation? Stupid, irrational, a terrible thing to have done. Like so many others before me. What else can I say?

[barfool]

I agree with BigBelm. Besides the hellish circumstances that you have described as being your relationship the fact that you cheated and now have an emotional relationship with someone else is a huge waving banner that the relationship you are in is unsatisfying for you. You really should of left this gf a long time ago, but oh well.

 

You do owe it to the person that you have been with for years to tell her the whole truth no matter how much it may hurt. And I definately would not jump into another relationship so soon after this one ends. You will need some time to regroup and begin following some of your dreams. Take some time to be your own person and gain some inner-strength.

[morrigan]

You're not married...you're free to go. Yet, you have stayed and you continue to stay. Why?

 

Who controls your life? Is it you?

 

If so, when?

 

Exactly. It's understandable to be fearful of being alone for the first time in years, but it's worse to stay in an unhealthy relationship and let your life be swallowed up by it. You shouldn't be with someone who dicates your life and she shouldn't be with someone who is unhappy and involved with somebody else.

 

If you can't see a healthy future with your girlfriend, you need to be honest with her about your decision to stay, move out and make the life for yourself that you want. Take time to get your own life in order before you have another relationship with anyone, including this girl.

 

Btw, welcome back, Solemate!