How to get rid of this grudge!

[luvtoto]

Having a hard time here...past is eating at me.

 

I've been couped up in the house since Thursday sick with the flu. I got bored & started thinkin' about "He made me love him!!" guy last night. (check out my history if you don't know the story). I haven't broke NC because I will never get the answers I need from him. This isn't about him. It's about my inability to let this grudge go!!!

 

I, like a dumbass, decided to visit his online-dating profile he's had up since I've known him. He changed his "just looking for friends" headline to "looking for longterm relationship, intimacy". Wha

 

Well, here was his email from a month ago, haven't talked to him since:

 

He wrote: "There ya go again, totally misreading what I mean.... and this is part of the problem for us.... Simply put, what I need in my life right now, is NOT a relationship, or anything of the kind.... If I implied that I'm scared, that's not what I meant.... I don't WANT it at this point. Don't you understand, I have spent 17 years of my life tryin' to take care of someone else.... worrying about someone else's needs, wants, and obviously, I will still have to do that for my children.... I can't be fair to you, wouldn't be fair to you.... if you really understand me, as you think you do, it shouldn't be so hard to see.... Me tryin' to keep you hangin' on!?!? How many times have I told you, I'm not the one, I want to be friends..... you are the one who hangs onto false hopes... I'm terribly sorry if I instill those hopes, but I truely do value your friendship... I'm as simple as I sound!! It's not teenage, and it's not a crush. There are a lot of people in my life, that I must say, I LOVE, in some way, some men, some women... you are a good person, and even if you were a man, I would consider you the same.... a good person, whom I care for, as a friend!! I could not be more straight forward and honest, yet still you don't get it.... I am enjoying my space and freedom (and yes, I may regret this attitude some day, but we learn more from the things we regret, than anything else we do, great personalities are built on mistakes and regrets!!) and just don't want the inherent complications of a "relationship"... I'm sure this all sounds very selfish, but let me ask you a simple question..... If I don't take the time to learn who I am, and learn to accept that person for who he is, how can I possibly ever hope to do right by anyone else!?!? I'm sure you've heard it before, "how can you love someone else, if you don't love yourself?" I strongly believe a person has to be solid in themself (which I am not), before they can focus outside and try to be with someone else.... I also strongly believe if I go into a relationship before I am fully healed, mentally, it is destined to fail, just like the last one!!! Oh, that I could blame everything on whatever her happens to be in my life.... realistically, all of our heartaches, and hardships, are as much our own fault, as anyone else's, usually based on some bad choice, no matter how small, or how far back.... most just choose to find a scapegoat.....

PS: I think seriously that you should re-read what you wrote, and tell me who's childish... If you still feel the same afterward, I'll be happy to step out of your life... it will be your loss--and your decision!! And by the way, the only reason I got "stung" in my last relationship, is because I was not properly aware of myself, could not keep myself happy.... and therefore, could not possibly keep someone else happy as well!! Yes, I've been "stung" before, and it was my own damn fault!!!! Kick me once, shame on you... kick me twice, shame on ME!!! Those lessons we learn the hard way, are meant to help us prevent the same mistakes in the future.... not by avoiding life, but by adjusting the issues..... some woman, some day, will sincerely thank me for taking the time to find, and finally become who God meant me to be!!!!!!!!!

 

I wrote him back and he never replied with an explanation. Except that he IM my daughter a couple weeks ago wondering if I was still mad at him (he's been blocked now):

I wrote: "I distinctly remember one night not too long ago, calling you on the phone crying to about my daughter. I was pretty down on myself for being so kept in the dark about her problems. You replied by attempting to cheer me up. You said, "Yea...it's been you...it's always been you. There's no other woman that even sparks my interest. I care for you more than I've ever cared for my x-wife in a long time. You should move here! I said, "I can't afford to live there! Where would I live?" You said, "move in with me...my house is big enough. I wish you lived closer to me." For the next few months...all I heard from you was,"I wish you lived closer to me." You even told my daughter you felt that way.

 

Your one downfall? Woman never forget ANYTHING that is told to them by the man they are in love with. I am like a ****in' tape recorder. Important note: all woman are like that. Might be a good bit of information for ya later on.

 

But, after that phone call...I never heard anything about it again from you. I never brought it up out of respect for you and where you are in your life. But, like a dumbass, I took your words to heart. I figured someday, when you were ready, you'd own up to saying those things to me.

 

But, you never did and to top it off, I am being accused of being some kind of a freak who is imagining everything between us. Thank you. Thanks a whole bunch.

 

You are not my friend.

 

So, I agree, you do need to find yourself. You are very confused. Go get your head screwed on straight, please."

 

Ya see how these two emails contradict themselves? How could we both be so off as to what we thought our frienship was? I am not stupid and I consider myself a realistic person that doesn't get caught up in crap. I thought I was too smart for that.

 

It's not my ego that I am worried about here. So, what, he doesn't want to date me. I already started dating another guy anyways, who I really like. Big deal.

 

I just want to know why he won't he own up to the things he said to me?? He acts like it never happened. What a jerk! What a liar!

 

I just feel so much anger for this guy, and I hate holding grudges. How can I get past this anger of being played a fool without contacting him to get it off my chest???

 

I want an explanation, dammit!

[hooghie]

Sorry you are going through this- it's a bad situation

I was in a similar situation many years ago. A guy I was friend's with basically talked me into dumping my bf and giving him a chance - told me how in love with me he was, how we were perfect for each other- how he would treat me so much better. Well, I got together with him and he dumped me a couple of months later. I was a mess for a long time, but one of my biggest issues was 'how dare you do this to me after YOU MADE ME LOVE YOU???'

 

It's a very difficult situation and you sort of feel like you were cheated. All I can say is that you need to move on and let it go. Yes, he was a jerk to you and you trusted him, but even if he sees that he did those things- it's not going to make him get back with you or be in love with you.

 

I would cut all contact with him and it's very wrong of him to contact your daughter. You say you are seeing someone else- focus on him.

[lilmoma1973]

Sorry you are going through this- it's a bad situation

I was in a similar situation many years ago. A guy I was friend's with basically talked me into dumping my bf and giving him a chance - told me how in love with me he was, how we were perfect for each other- how he would treat me so much better. Well, I got together with him and he dumped me a couple of months later. I was a mess for a long time, but one of my biggest issues was 'how dare you do this to me after YOU MADE ME LOVE YOU???'

 

It's a very difficult situation and you sort of feel like you were cheated. All I can say is that you need to move on and let it go. Yes, he was a jerk to you and you trusted him, but even if he sees that he did those things- it's not going to make him get back with you or be in love with you.

 

I would cut all contact with him and it's very wrong of him to contact your daughter. You say you are seeing someone else- focus on him.

 

Totally agree with Hooghie!! Focus on your new man and don't give him another thought...

[luvtoto]

but one of my biggest issues was 'how dare you do this to me after YOU MADE ME LOVE YOU???'

 

EXACTLY!!! Why do people play these games? It doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever!

 

I have to understand it better...before I can get past it.

[slubberdegullion]

EXACTLY!!! Why do people play these games? It doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever!

Because it's easier than being honest. It's the path of least resistance.

I have to understand it better...before I can get past it.

No you don't. You may think that you'll find "closure" (though there's no such thing, really) but the reality is that you won't. There will always be unanswered questions, there will always be "what if's," there will always be "if only things were just slightly different," etc. etc.

 

So instead of microscopically examining what may or may not have gone wrong - because every minute you spend doing it is a minute longer it will take you to heal - just put it behind you, close the door and let your subconscious work it out in it's own way and on it's own time.

 

In the meantime, stay social, focus on the positive, enjoy the colours that life has to offer, and hey, maybe even get laid once in a while. Point is, live LIFE!!

 

Good luck!

[Outcast]

I have to understand it better...before I can get past it.

 

Emotions and logic are often enemies so it's illogical to think that you can logically understand a matter of emotions. Chalk it up to 'he has issues' and move on. He may not even understand so it's craziness to think you can.

[luvtoto]

He's already tried to contact me through my daughter. What's so bad about emailing him saying, "My daughter told me you asked about me. What's up?" If he would just own up to this crap...maybe we could stay friends.

[hooghie]

He's already tried to contact me through my daughter. What's so bad about emailing him saying, "My daughter told me you asked about me. What's up?" If he would just own up to this crap...maybe we could stay friends.

 

 

It's not going to work- trust me. Even if he says 'yes, I said those things and I'm sorry' what is that really going to do for you? NOTHING. The truth is, he does NOT want a relationship- at least with YOU no matter what he said in the past. And WHY would you want a friendship with him anyway? He misled you and then tried to twist it around on you.

[luvtoto]

Well, I hear you all. If I was reading this thread, I would be giving the same advice. I have been going on with my life recently. I haven't contacted him. I blocked him from my msn. I am dating someone new, but we are taking it super, super slow. I really like this guy I am getting to know. He's not clingy, and is usually too busy to go on dates with me...which I respect. But, he always fits me in to his schedule some how.

 

But, why does this other guy want to be friends with me so damn bad? If I am such a pain to him, why does he still continue to contact or even care if I am still mad or not? I don't get it!!

[hooghie]

But, why does this other guy want to be friends with me so damn bad? If I am such a pain to him, why does he still continue to contact or even care if I am still mad or not? I don't get it!!

 

Maybe he has a conscience and feels guilty about hurting you. I don't like it when people are made at me for something I said or did- even if I don't really care about them.

[loony]

I've watched this movie "Someone like you" with Ashley Judd, Greg Kinnear and Hugh Jackman today. Greg Kinnear is like the last guy I fell for. So nice, so cute, so sweet, so sincere, and soo spineless and weak... I've heard so much bullsh*t and excuses that I wonder why I had such a hard time letting go. I saw this movie and I thought, that's him. I've made up any excuses for him that I was able to find, I've analyzed my interactions with him to death, but I had to realize, he's just a wimp with some very cute and charming qualities. I think some men are just weak. They will tell you anything and they sincerely believe it, but you will rarely see any results or changes. Remember, the way to hell is paved with good intentions.

[luvtoto]

Well, I am doing better. I just had this wave of doubt come over me. I hate it when that happens. Contacting him wouldn't be a good idea, because I can see an argument brewing. Do I want him to remember me as a crazed lunatic that can't move on with her life or a level-headed, your loss buddy!...kind of lady? I do want to know the answers...but, at the same time, I don't want to risk my dignity to get them. It ain't worth it.

 

Now, if only I can get over this damn flu!!!

 

Thanks everybody! You helped me again.

[Curmudgeon]

EXACTLY!!! Why do people play these games? It doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever!

 

I have to understand it better...before I can get past it.

 

 

I've found that the best way to get past anger and resentment is to forgive the person who causes it. They never have to know you've forgiven them because you do it for you, not for them.

 

Until you forgive someone who's wronged you you're forever tied to them emotionally. That gives them a lot of power and control over your feelings that they just don't deserve to have.

[luvtoto]

Until you forgive someone who's wronged you you're forever tied to them emotionally. That gives them a lot of power and control over your feelings that they just don't deserve to have.

 

That's exactly how I feel. Now, I just have to figure out how to do that. I am not ready yet.

[Curmudgeon]

force it. You have to be truly ready and that can take awhile. In the case of the ex, it took me about five years following the divorce because she was severely alienating my two youngest daughters from me.

 

Once done, however, the sense of relief was and remains almost overwhelming.

 

Interestuingly enough, now the girls are estranged from her and have sought me out.

 

In my experience, forgiveness works, all in its own, sweet time.

[clandestinidad]

I didnt go through all these posts yet, so this might have already been said:

 

IMO, a person denies everything and acts like it never happened, or never meant anything, because if they truly thought about what they've done they would have to live with their guilty conscience.

 

Its much easier to brush someone off, and blame it on superficial things (such as, needing to know yourself more, and what-not) than it is to actually admit that you were just using someone for a fling.

 

Sure, he was there for you and filled your head with lovely $hit to make you stick around and like him. The fact that he now denies telling you these things means that he knows what he's done but doesnt want to address it because of his own pride and guilt.

 

Also, the fact that he has changed his status in the dating profile is very telling. He was using the "finding myself" excuse on you, because he doesnt want to admit what he's done. (I'm sorry)

[luvtoto]

took me about five years following the divorce because she was severely alienating my two youngest daughters from me.

 

I don't know how you could forgive your x for doing that. That happens all the time, though. It's sad. You got the ultimate last-word having your kids turn on her in the end. Good for them! Good for you!

 

In my situation, I am a sucker when it comes to forgiving people. My kid's dad is an ass, and I rarely ever say anything bad about him. My kids appreciate it, you can tell. They know, though, that he has made some major mistakes in his life and they DO NOT want to be like him.

 

Anyway, what I am saying is, I'm a lover not a hater. I don't like having these angry feelings towards this guy, and I want them gone now!!

[clandestinidad]

One of my FAVORITE songs of all time deals with letting go and healing. Do a quick search for "TOOL grudge lyrics" and read them. I'm not sure if you'd like the song itself, since I dont know your taste in music, but its excellent and has helped me in a lot of ways

[luvtoto]

One of my FAVORITE songs of all time deals with letting go and healing. Do a quick search for "TOOL grudge lyrics" and read them. I'm not sure if you'd like the song itself, since I dont know your taste in music, but its excellent and has helped me in a lot of ways

 

Thanks Kat, has that song been out for a while? Never heard of it. The lyrics are right on to how I am feeling. Who sings this song? The Grudge? Tool? I am confused.

[clandestinidad]

TOOL is the band. Song is called "The Grudge" from their Lateralus album. While the lyrics are great, the song itself is incredible, IMO....that album is really good!! Its hard to describe their sound....some people say 'loud' or 'angry' or 'highly techinical'......I dont think its loud or angry AT ALL. Its actually beautiful, and has many many layers of sound. Can you PM yet??

[Curmudgeon]

I don't know how you could forgive your x for doing that.

 

I had to, for me. The anger and resentment were holding me back and eating away at me. It took four years before all the settlement issues were finalized and another year for me to come to terms with everything. That's when I forgave.

 

I take no pleasure in the situation between her and the children. Only one out of five wants anything to do with her and he lives 1,500 miles away. She also moved 500 miles away from here where all three of our daughters are, as well as two of our three grandchildren, and another on the way. I find it very sad.

 

I don't like having these angry feelings towards this guy, and I want them gone now!!

 

When you're ready they will be.

[luvtoto]

I take no pleasure in the situation between her and the children.

 

I didn't figure. In my last post to you, I was going to say 'ultimate revenge' but I said 'ultimate last-word' instead. Seemed to fit your situation more. How can you not take pleasure in seeing the tables turned? Wait, I suppose seeing your kids got hurt by her is no pleasure. Sorry.

 

Kat, I can PM...just don't get them.

[luvtoto]

I am getting confused again. Don't worry, my confusion comes in waves and then leaves...so I guess just let me vent.

 

He must feel guilty or he wouldn't have asked my daughter if I was still mad at him. Strict NC just makes me feel like this mean, spiteful, unforgiving person. It's so unlike me to turn my back and be so "talk to the hand-ish".

 

I knew this guy for over a year, all in all, he was a pretty decent guy, despite all his confusion. He helped me through alot of problems and I developed trust in him. Trust is an aphrodisiac to me.

 

I am not lookin' for a date with him, because the trust aspect has diminished & I can't live with that.

 

I just want to call a truce with him. I think that's what he was doing while talking to my daughter.

 

Is that so bad? Am I weak for wanting that?

[Curmudgeon]

Not at all. A true truce is tantamount to forgiveness. It says that neither will harbor ill will towards the other nor take any negative actions such as talk bad about.

 

If you can achieve that you can both walk away with no regrets.

 

As to the matter of my children, the ideal would be that they could have loving, supportive relationships with both their mother and me, no matter our differences. However, the woman is narcissistic with a huge entitlement attitude so she never apologizes for anything, always believes her way is the right one and is very demanding of others time, money and attention.

 

This is nothing I have ever said to the children and I've encouraged them to remain in contact with her. Perhaps why they trust me far more than they trust her after over a decade of her demeaning and defiling me to them.

 

The woma is sick and more to be pitied than scorned. I just find it hard to believe I spent 25 years married to her.