regretandshame Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 I cheated on my girlfriend recently with someone who is now pregnant. I have no feelings whatsoever for this other girl and I truly do love my girlfriend. I have been in counseling since all has been discovered by everyone involved and I will continue to be in counseling for a long time to come. I have made some huge changes in my life which have helped me see that I wasn't a good person before and I don't ever want to behave like that again. I want nothing more than to have a chance to prove to my girlfriend that I truly do love her, I will never cheat on her again, and I want to spend the rest of my life trying to show her just how much I can love her. She is understandable struggling with decisions regarding this and she feels very hurt and angry and ashamed for still being around. I just want the chance to start over with her and work on this. How do I show her that I'm telling the truth now? How do I help with find some closure and put my past in the past? Thanks for your help. Link to post Share on other sites
lilacmist Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 She will never be convinced that you won't cheat again. You've done it once and best laugh is, you cheated with someone you supposedly didn't care about?? How does one cheat, with someone they don't care about? and risk a relationship/marriage in the process, with someone they supposedly do care about?? Beats me!! Does this mean that you will cheat with 'any and every' woman who crosses your path in life, that you don't care about???? That is what I'd be thinking if I were in your gf's situation right now. I've been in this situation, only in your gf's posistion and a few years back. A boyfriend of mine cheated on me and I found out. He also claimed that she had meant nothing to him. I decided to give him a second chance, main reason being because we had a daughter together and he'd also begged for me to go back to him, said he'd never ever cheat on me again, blah, blah, blah...... While I gave him a second chance, his cheating was something I never ever forgot. I put it to the back of my mind, we tried to carry on in the best way we could and to make things work again. We even went on to get married!! But ya know, it was always there that he had cheated, I lost total trust in him from that point. And what do you know.......yep, he ended up cheating on me some years later, only this time around he cheated with someone he did care about and he left me for this woman. We are now divorced. So if I was your gf, I likely wouldn't give you a second chance. Harsh, but I wouldn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 This thread has every possibility in being a lecture to the OP, so I will try to use as constructive criticism as possible. OP: Yes, you have cheated on her and gotten someone else pregnant but if you both are williing to work through this then trust is giong to be something which you have to work through because she will understandably be completely distrusting of you. There is no magical cure for her to start trust of you but I would suggest counselling, it is really the only way which you can get through this. Be aware though that alot of ugly feelings will come out, quite justly and you will have to be prepared to deal with everything truthfully I wish you good luck Link to post Share on other sites
barfool Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 It seems that you are doing the right thing by getting counseling and such. All you can do now is live your life being a better person and give her time to sort out her feelings. She may need some counseling as well to help her through this time, either with you or seperately. It will take a long, long time to gain her trust back, if you do at all. But if you love her you will continue working on yourself and on the relationship and hopefully things will turn out well. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 Offer to install a GPS device on your a$$. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 Offer to install a GPS device on your a$$. :lmao: Technology's answer to a need for a male chastity belt? There you go again, jen, with that incomparable wit! Seriously, there really isn't anything you can do except what barflool says--be a trustworthy person, completely open with her about where you are, what you're doing, etc., until she comes to see for herself that you really have made the changes you say you have. Good for you for getting into therapy and staying the course. It might be that couples therapy would be a good idea for you in order to see whether or not you really can work through these issues and move on together. When the time is right, you might make good on that desire to forsake all others and be with her only til death do you part by asking her to marry you. But as lilac says, she may not want you now. That really will depend on your behavior and time. See http://www.marriagebuilders.com on affairs. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 I'm curious, because you didn't say for certain, is this other woman pregnant with your child? If so, do you intend to be emotionally, physically and financially involved in your child's life? Link to post Share on other sites
bluetuesday Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 in an ideal world, trust would never be broken and we wouldn't have to spend time and emotion gaining back what we once valued so little, we lost it. if this woman stays with you, or takes you back, you may well just have to accept that while she wants to be with you, she might never fully trust you again. could you live with that? being mistrusted? she may love you but be more jealous than before. you might just find it's now too much like hard work to make this work. asking how trust can be repaired is a bit like asking how you can get the yolk back into the egg shell. with patience and loving diligence, sometimes you can piece something that's shattered, back together. but sometimes it's just easier to buy a new egg. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 :lmao: Technology's answer to a need for a male chastity belt? There you go again, jen, with that incomparable wit! Someone didn't appreciate my attempt at levity, because I got a neg rep point for that one. Oh well. My point was to say that if he wants to keep her, he should do anything that she asks which will make her comfortable and trust him. Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 Someone didn't appreciate my attempt at levity, because I got a neg rep point for that one. Oh well. My point was to say that if he wants to keep her, he should do anything that she asks which will make her comfortable and trust him. Yup. That's basically what marriagebuilders says, too. And screw the neg. pts.! Link to post Share on other sites
It's all good Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 How does he know he won't want to cheat again? All help aside, when you come across that situation again your therapist isn't there to slap your hand away and tell you no!, Bad! Does he really have the will power to not do it again? Time fades, feelings of wrong doing do too! Is there such a thing as making that mistake only once?? Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 Offer to install a GPS device on your a$$.: :lmao: Too funny... You have to always be open and honest and never keep any secrets . Link to post Share on other sites
barfool Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 How does he know he won't want to cheat again? It is very probable that he will want to cheat again. But there is a big difference between wanting something and actually going through with it. And when he does find that desire to cheat rear its ugly head he needs to evaluate why he is getting that desire, what the consequences would be and determine the best path. And I think there is such a thing as making that mistake only once. I did cheat once. I have learned a lot from it and have grown as a person. I know it was a product of immaturity and discontentment in the relationship I was in. Unfortunately I had to learn the hard way. Link to post Share on other sites
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