Is it possible to divorce & live under the same roof?

[lint]

I haven't been in here awhile but hopefully I can make a long story short. I have been married for 22 years and I had dated him 5 years previously (3 years while he was married). In 2003, I found out my husband cheated but didn't get the full extent of their affair until Thanksgiving 2004. He had always told me it was an emotional affair until I had a dream & started playing around on the internet & came across emails & found the evidence. On Turkey day 2004, I called the OW & told her that I was ready to make good on my threat of exposing her to her husband. The next day she came cleaned w/ her husband & that's when I found out it was a sexual affair as well & more importantly, one of the x's they had sex was while I was on vacation with my husband while he attended a conference. I had never felt so betrayed & humbled at the same time. He admitted that he mentally abused me to & blamed my depression making me believe there was nothing going on to throw me off track.

 

We went to church counseling and he was kicked out of our religion with a way to work himself back into the "good graces" of church. I had testified at the church counsel that I didn't know what was worse - "Him having sex with the OW at the conf & then returning to me at our hotel to have sex with me. " OR the constant "mind games" that he played on me not knowing if I was playing mind games with myself or him playing it on me.

 

My husb promised that there w/b NC with the OW anymore but that he would still attend various conferences.

 

I on the other hand am not blameless in the final stages of our marriage. In the past year & half, I had developed an emotional affair w/ a friend that I have known since HS. We dated but hadn't seen him since 1979. In fact I chose my current husband over this guy. This friend has been wonderful and had been my biggest support and have talked me out of suicide more often than once. Yes, I had been on suicide watch but with therapy I am much stronger.

 

My husband found out about the "old friend" back in my life and had read all the emails that started our friendship over again to the current email where I expressed my love for him. I first sought out this friend to help me locate the OW home phone info & etc.

 

After experiencing a painful divorce himself, he tried to shelter me the hurt of what was to be expected and advised me to salvage my marriage to spare the kids, etc...

 

The ? becomes when does one know that "You have done all you could to save the marriage?" We have gone to a marriage counselor 3 x before my husband said it was a waste of his time.

 

This past year, I had one foot in & one foot out the door of my marriage, not trusting my husband. In the past year, I looked over all finances to find out that he has purchased illegal drugs over the net, viewed porn & we are so heavily in debt becuz he used credit cards to buy losing stock & then to sell what stock we had to purchase a new car for him. I was so blind & I trusted him.

 

anyway, I'm sorry this is so lengthy, but I finally told my husband i wanted to pursue a relationship with my old friend unless he can give me any reason why we should stay married other than for the kids.

 

In Nov 2005, he flew out to visit the OW in her hometown to see what kind of future they could have. I promised to not tell her husband and told my husband that if he went to see her, our marriage is completely over.

 

He came back and wanted to work things out & told me that they didn't have sex because she was on her "period." How comforting to know that tidbit of info.

 

Anyway, I told my husband that the only way to save this marriage was to allow me to call the OW's husb and share with him the info that I have. Of course he wouldn't let me & "RUIN" their marriage again and doesn't see how telling him would put my "needs" first.

 

I filed for divorce but unfortuntely our debt load is tremendous that we can't afford 3 households (helping our daughter through college & rent payments).

 

Is it possible to live under the same roof divorced knowing that I will have to put up with the emotional abuse but am much stronger than I have been, but hoping to pursue a relationship with this other guy.

 

My husband doesn't want anyone to know about my intentions due to protecting his image.

 

any thoughts w/be appreciated & thanks in advancefor reading this lengthy novel.

[Mz. Pixie]

It is possible but for the life of me I can't figure out why you'd want to. I suggest another job or better yet- since he is the one who doesn't want to work at it, he get another job and support you as you move out.

[lint]

I already have 2 jobs & a paper route on the side which my husband does most of the work as well as his FT job just to help get a handle on our debt. We get along as friends for the most part but I have a hard time forgiving him & his affair that put us in this situation. I finally stopped asking the why's and believe he had an affair with this OW long before I found out in 2003. I know that I will never get an honest answer and finally come to terms in that area. I know divorcing my husband is the right choice and maybe after I get my head cleared, I can develop a real relationship with my "old friend". In my husband's eyes, I'm leaving him for this other guy and that is what he's been telling his co-workers. I always told him that if he used that excuse with my children, I wouldn't hesitate to expose his sordid affair to them & let them see the kind of father they have. I have been an enabler to my husband & his image for so long that I'm tired of protecting him. My husband's problem is that he doesn't own up his resp for his cheating & lying and continues to blame me.

 

So with our debt racked up, I'm hoping that living with him under the same roof during or after divorce proceedings is feasible.

 

Does one ever get over the pain of adultery? And why is it that I should be expected to forgive his physical/emotional affair but yet he can't forgive my emotional affair. If I'd even had kissed the OM I'd understand the anger but I hadn't done anything except fall in love with this OM and his values.

[Mz. Pixie]

The only option I can see is for you both to file bankruptcy so that you can both get a fresh start.

 

Both of you have cheated on each other which makes you equally in the wrong.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Lint,

I don't know what to say to you. I feel your pain. But there are so many things that you need to do to get your life back in order. You sound like you have no confidence left in yourself. Please, please do see a counselor or at least keep posting here and we will set you straight. You need to build your self-esteem first. Why are you protecting your H/ex-H????? Why are you allowing yourself to be treated like doormat by him?? He is obviously not the least bit remorseful for his role in the failure of your marriage if he can lie to his friends/coworker that you are leaving him for another man. Geez, what a load of crap!!

I get so worked up just reading your post. He is so manipulative, so spineless, and utterly selfish. Yet, you want to protect his "integrity"? He has NO INTEGRITY whatsoever! It was extremely disrespectful to be cheating with his OW when he was on "vacation" with you. And then to make you think that it was your fault??? How can you even see him in the face after this, not to mention sleep in the same bed with him at night?

He doesn't deserve your silence. If you truly want to HEAL from this, you need to expose the affair to the OW's husband as well as to your daughter (and other children) and all your family members so that they can stand behind you. Even the church kicked him out... really, why do YOU feel the need to save his face when he completely wrecked it in the most disgraceful ways that he can? He deserves every thing that comes his way!

Who protects YOU?? He is basically blaming you for the divorce. And I can bet that he secretly tells the lie to the children... it just sounds like a manipulator would do.

 

I know that you feel responsible for the disintegration of your marriage. But honestly, the marriage was gone when he kept up the affair and not working at winning your faith back. You needed support and your "old friend" provided it. Perhaps not the best choice, but not a "wrong" choice. It made you stronger and allowed you to see what a selfish prick your H is. You do not need to feel guilty for reaching out.

 

As for your main question, I think that it will may be ok if both of you can agree on being courteous to each other. But it won't be easy....

Good luck.

[magda]

In my opinion paying for your daughters college and rent is a luxury you can't afford. It's totally impractical to live together after divorce.

[Becoming]

I understand that you don't want to lose everything you've worked hard to build because of his irresponsibility. Make him pay for the credit card bills he ran up. Make it part of the divorce settlement. Talk to your lawyer about this.

 

Why would you want to continue living with someone who's played such mind games with you? Get out. Your mental health is worth more that any house or lifestyle. Sell the house. Get your own place. You can do this, and you'll be ok. It may take a couple years to get back on your feet and be able to buy your own place, but it'll take a couple years to mourn this terrible, terrible loss.

 

Quit taking care of everyone else and starting standing up for what you need.

[Mz. Pixie]

Also Lint, I can relate to you not wanting to give up everything you worked for, but let me tell ya, I did it.

 

I was married for over ten years, we had a beautiful new home, a new car, that kind of thing. I had worked HARD for that home, decorated it perfectly.

 

Yet, I let it go. I couldn't pay for it. I told him to take it, that he could have the car, I took only what I could pack in some boxes and a little furniture.

 

I do not regret it a bit. Those things are meaningless if I don't have someone in my life who loves and treats me well. I expect to have to work for the rest of my life to have anything at any rate, so leaving all of that behind wasn't really hard.

 

My inside self meant more to me than all that stuff.

[lint]

Hi there,

 

Thanks for all the advice. I have been in counseling for the past 2+ years, both in & out of the church, to get both perspectives as far as worldly thoughts & religious thoughts were. My husband attended 3x but found it too painful when his affair was put on the table & to try & figure out how or when things broke down. He didn't want to go there because he wanted to "spare" my emotions from getting more hurt.

 

The age old ? that I had to answer was: "Have I done all I could to save this marriage?" Because of my unwillingness to give up this "Old friend" of mine, it was on my shoulders. I came to the conclusion that the marriage was over this past summer while i was laid up in a hospital bed with an IV of nitro in me. My bp was 206/130 and was being treated & tested for a heart attack.

 

At that point I asked my husband if we could put all differences aside, put Christ back into our lives & put us First again. He went on to tell me that he didn't think he'd come back to church & that he still holds me "responsible" for his excommunication. Wow, I couldn't believe it. I had to ask him to leave the room.

 

Long story short, I asked for forgiveness of my indiscretions with the OM, even though nothing physical happened between us, not even a Kiss. I told my husband of seeing this OM on two seperate occasions. The first was at a relative's funeral in CA in his hometown and the 2nd visit was when I had collapsed in Vegas & he flew in from CA to make sure I was all right.

 

I am mentally doing much better and building my confidence up each day. I had to stop the counseling due to my husband's insurance change & I can't afford the out of pocket costs at this time. I don't want to go to another therapist at this time and hoping that I can rely on inner strength and the few friends that I have finally chosen to confide in.

 

I had told my mother about the failure of my marriage and even though she's 80 years old, she feels that I must have done something to cause my husband to cheat. Believe it or not, she believes in her heart that OJ, Mike Tyson and Kobe Bryant are all innocent.

 

As far as healing goes, I don't ask the hard ?'s anymore about why he chose to do what he did? My husband did ask what it would take to save this marriage and I told him that he needed to put my feelings first for once and allow me to call the OW's husband & let him know that the 2 got together again right before Thanksgiving last year.

 

Of course he only told me that I was being vindictive yet again. And why would I want to ruin their marriage again. I told him its not about being vindictive, its to see who he wants to protect. Silly me, I lost again.

 

So the ? to you folks: If you were in my shoes, would you call the husband again knowing that if he heard from me or heard anything about the two of them getting together again, their marriage is completely over. I know its kind of mean thinking that the OW sits in fear each day wondering if the call will be made today, even though I gave her my word I wouldn't call. That last bit of info was given to me by my husband & she told him to be nice to me so I wouldn't fly off the handle & make that call again.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'd expose the affair. You're talking about perhaps giving up your standard of living because of this?? That's serious. Expose and then let your husband rant and rave all he wants to. Stand firm.

 

I believe he's using what you did as an excuse for his actions. Not that what you did was a physical affair, but it's the only way he can wrap his head around doing what he wants to do. Make sense?

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

If I were you...

I would make a bargain with him: either HE moves out and leave the house to me after the divorce and taking all his credit card bills with him, OR, we can stay in this "marriage" and make that call. It is manipulative, but he needs to taste his own medicine to know how it must have been for YOU. If it is not in you do bargain like that with him, then I'd definitely make the call to OM and to all my children, relatives, and friends.

He needs to be exposed so that YOU can have a fair divorce settlement.

[Ladyjane14]

I don't think you're going to be able to make any decision with great clarity regarding your marriage while this EA is ongoing, Lint.

 

Personally, I can't blame ANYONE whose spouse has engaged in a PA for divorcing them posthaste. But in some ways....you're as guilty of "fence-sitting" as your husband.

 

Possibly the best course of action would be for you to make a decision on if you truly want a divorce or not. The litmus test is....Would you rather be ALONE for the rest of your life than to be married to your current spouse?'. If the answer is 'YES', then divorce him, separate your assets and liabilities, and move on with your life. 'Where there's a will, there's a way.'

 

But if you base your answer on the availability of the OM, you're not really making a decision about the marriage, right? You've qualified your answer in that case, so your choice would then be contingent upon variables.

 

I only know of ONE case where a divorced couple is still living together. They are very poor and have a bunch of kids to support. The woman in that particular scenario does NOT have the true freedom of a single woman. She's more like an unpaid and disrespected housekeeper....and that's AFTER she gets home from her full-time job. Not a pretty situation.

 

I don't think it's worth your time to Expose to the OW's husband unless you're going to try to reconcile the marriage. If you're going to divorce your WH anyway....there's nothing much to be gained.

[lint]

I'm a pretty much laid back person at this point. I can see myself alone and be happy and I can see myself being remained married to my husband. We get along as friends and there is still love between us. I will always love my husband but the last 7 years have been really rough and I just want to give up because I'm tired. I'm tired of looking over my shoulder. I'm tired of seeing the vision of my husband & the OW in my mind each time my husband tries to be intimate with me. Does that vision ever go away???

 

I'm really torn about exposing the news to the OW's husband again. As much as my husband wants to stay together & knows the terms, he is willing to sacrifice our marriage to spare this guys feelings. Who is he kidding, sparing this guys feelings or protecting this OW again.

 

I am 45 years old & have known my husband since I was 17. As far as the "old friend" in my life, I have known him since I was 14 and he was my first love. This OM loves me and wants only the best for me and will stand by my decision. I'm sure we will remain friends as we have always had in the past. Actually the question I posed to him is because we crossed that line as far as expressing our emotions one to another, can we go back to being great friends if things don't work out for us in the future?

 

And to show how my husband is dillusional, even though divorce papers were filed, we agreed to live under the same roof as long as its possible, he doesn't want me to inform our kids (why ruin their lives) until the divorce becomes final which we're looking at end of May/early June. Do you think he's hoping for a reconciliation or just protecting his image? Crazy I know.

[Ladyjane14]

You seem to be floating along in Life's current, Lint. Without self-determination. Other people are being allowed to decide your course, and you are just buffetted along by their vagaries as if you have no choice in the matter.

 

Once you decide what it is that YOU want, you can start working toward a goal. Your course will become apparent. It will REVEAL itself.

 

Sometimes there will be roadblocks and you won't have much to show for your day. Sometimes you'll make gigantic leaps in progress. But ALL of that starts when you select a GOAL.

 

If you do nothing....then NOTHING is all you can expect.

[lint]

Well ladyjane, you certainly make sense. I'm so glad I found this site again. I do know what I want but sometimes knowing what i want makes me feel like a selfish person because it doesn't include my husband in my life. I have been guilty sitting on the fence all last year waiting & hoping that he would change or show me some kind of change but why should he change when I don't give him encouragement. It's the whole catch 22 thing.

 

I have been thinking very clear this past year and realize that life is so short & even shorter when suicide enters the picture. My husband always tells me that he wants me to be happy but yet he won't allow me to be happy. So why is that????

[Ladyjane14]

I have been thinking very clear this past year and realize that life is so short & even shorter when suicide enters the picture.

 

I must've missed something. How does "suicide enter the picture"?

[Becoming]

I've reread everything, lint, and you're right: it's complicated. Here's what I see:

 

• You're a godly woman who wants to love and be loved.
  
• You've been horribly betrayed by your low-down H who wants to protect some bogus image of himself even after an excommunication threw him out of the church. (Was that public knowledge or kept hush-hush. And how hush-hush. I know church gossip, honey, and ain't much that's really hush-hush.)
  
• You promised not to tell OW's husband about affair.
  
• You told your H if he went to see OW, the marriage was over.
  
• H went to see OW, but then wants to keep you, too, so he sweettalks his way back into everything. But you say, only if we tell OW's husband about visit.
  

 

Then we start the vascillation. Let's set aside your emotional affair for awhile.

 

Are you or are you not a woman of your word? You told him if he went to see OW, you were filing for divorce. He did. You did. Good for you!

 

You also said you wouldn't tell OW's husband. So don't.

 

Don't play games, just do what you say you're gonna do.

 

But LJ is right: you gotta know what you want to do.

 

Frankly, I don't think living with this man is a good idea. It's too painful for you. You've been on suicide watch, had dangerously high BP. You say you're laid-back, but your body says otherwise. When are you going to listen to what it is that it's trying to tell you about what YOU need?

 

No you're not selfish for wanting to be loved, for wanting peace. You have Biblical grounds for divorce. If God ain't gonna condemn you, why on earth would you let a mind-game-playing cheating husband?

 

I don't know what your church is telling you. They sometimes tell women to stick by their man. But don't let your emotional fling with OM cloud your judgment. It sounds like it may be too easy for other people to run your life for you.

[lint]

First of all, I would like to think I'm a person of my word. I do waffle at times especially when it comes to confrontation. For instance, when I first found out about my H & the OW, it took me 18 months to expose their affair to the OW's husband because my back was finally against the wall. I believed both of them that they would end the affair & that nothing physical ever took place until I found the letter that my H wrote to OW stating how he was crafting a letter for my benefit to end their relationship and wanted to tell her what story to stick with. Once I knew they had sex, I was so devastated that I had nothing else to lose but to tell the OW's H. And because I did that, I became the UN-TRUSTING person.

 

I would never call the OW's H again & expose their meeting of last November. If my husband really wanted to save our marriage, he would make the call but he can't & won't.

 

I feel I've given my H more chances than he deserves and I'm not just focusing on the affair but the whole picture (the debt, the lies, the porn, the buying of drugs over the net). He exhibits changes at times but it doesn't last long. Why is it that I can forgive on the other offenses but I can't seem to forgive the affair at this time?

 

As far as the OM in my life: I'm not looking thru rose colored glasses thinking he is the one who is going to save me. I'm also not comparing qualities & character of him against my husband. I have known this OM and we have been friends for over 31 years. We know each others strengths & weaknesses and our darkest fears & secrets. He invited me to fly out &visit him next week & spend valentines day week with him. It would be fun to see him again & hang out but he knows that there is no committment for a romantic involvement. And as much as I want to see him, I'm afraid of telling my H that I want to see him. How crazy is that?

[lint]

Becoming:

 

One last thing I wanted to put in the last post. As far as members in the church knows or doesn't know about my H being ex'd, they are keeping it close to their pockets. I'm sure they suspect that something is rotten due to my husband who use to hold high positions in church no longer comes anymore, and again nothing is being said. I'm just hoping that my husband will agree to say something to our children before they do find out by some accident.

 

As far as church leadership counsel: Stand by your man and forgive 70 x 7. Forgiveness would be so easy to do if there was some kind of remorse on my H's part other than remorse for getting caught. Sad but true...

[Becoming]

As far as church leadership counsel: Stand by your man and forgive 70 x 7. Forgiveness would be so easy to do if there was some kind of remorse on my H's part other than remorse for getting caught. Sad but true...

 

But if it were a man, kick her to the curb as a Jezebel? That's the way it is in far too many churches. Makes ya wonder if they ever read the Bible, huh?

 

You deserve to have your own life without worrying about your divorcing H looking over your shoulder and you inadvertently seeing all he's doing as well. That's just like a splinter festering in your soul that you have spend time picking at trying to remove.

 

If you can, remove it ASAP by moving out and getting your own place of peace, which will probably have to come about through the turbulence of truth-telling.

 

Blessings!

[tweldy]

I am not a mental health professional, so please don't take what I have to say as a professional analysis, but it sounds like from your husband's recreational drug abuse, financial habits, prolific and habitual lying, cheating, and total lack of remorse point are consistent with what the characteristics one would expect to see in a sociopath.

 

It sounds like you have serious self-image issues and chronic, severe depression. These traits make it easier for people to manipulate and use you and I sense this is what your husband is doing. I am saddened that your church's counseling has not identified that your husband needs much more serious counseling than anything they could provide and that your well being comes before trying to make a marriage work with a person who apparently has almost no ability to really care for and about you.

 

An older, wiser friend once opined that only you could understand what is truly best for you. This does not imply that you currently understand what is best for you, but you are the only one who is capable of achieving this understanding. Truly I wish you well and I wish I were able to offer something more than a three-paragraph comment on a discussion group.

[lint]

Yes, I have been diagnosed w/ severe depression & have been on meds for quite some time. I have been seeing a therapist for the last 2+ years until my H had changed insurance plans & doesn't cover the last therapist & as stated before, not wanting to go thru the process of a new therapist. I think I had made strides these past couple of years to get on w/ life w/o therapy. It has been established by church leadership for my H to seek counselling but he has refused that notion becuz "he isn't the one with the problems" and "its a waste of time."

 

The other night I came to the conclusion that he really doesn't want to save the marriage as he puts it because if he wanted to, he would've humored me & sought counselling with me.

 

The church leadership's final counsel to me was "find a good attorney" and not allow my husband to walk away with everything, just because I want out. If I told my H that piece of info, it would just sour him more about church & its leadership.

 

Is it possible for people like my husband to ever see the light & realize the damage that's been done?

[Becoming]

Is it possible for people like my husband to ever see the light & realize the damage that's been done?

 

Oh, honey, you know Jesus. Nothing's impossible with that guy.

 

But you also know He can't do anything without our cooperation and that most of the time it's only after we have exhausted all our own attempts at living our lives our way only to end up stupid and alone that we finally get it. Your husband's life is his. He continues to choose the path of death and destruction.

 

But you can also choose. If you stay with H, you're choosing death since that's the path he's chosen. You may not be walking down that path with him, but you're still in the vicinity, and thus not free from death's ability to suck you into its black hole.

 

Why do you keep hovering in the woods of death instead of really choosing to walk the path of life for you? Are you hoping to win him with your goodness, as Paul encourages those married to unbelievers? YOU aren't gonna save that man. Only God is. And maybe God can't because you aren't allowing your H to suffer the consequences of his death-dealing ways. As long as someone is there to blame, H ain't gonna get it; he's just gonna blame you. If you're out of the picture, H has to confront what he's done.

Then and only then, if he so chooses, can miracles occur.

 

You will still need to be in touch with H even after divorce, just not so much. So you can still be in a position to witness to him. But quit trying to protect and maybe even save this man. Until he hits rock bottom with no one else to blame will he change.

 

Find a good lawyer and quit protecting H. Forcing him to take responsibility for his own actions is the only way.

 

Thinking of you as you face meeting with children.

 

Prayers and blessings!