CaliGuy Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 Question. If someone is not into you and you are into them, you can come off needy and clingy. But, if they are into you as much as you are into them, would it still be needy and clingy? I mean, I was thinking about how I acted with my ex and I know I loved her deeply. I didn't need her, I just wanted her in my life. It scared her how much I cared about her. I can see how she thinks I might lack confidence and I think I did. But here's the kicker. Because she wasn't into me as much as I was into her, I wonder if that didn't skew her view of me? I mean, if someone loves you as much as you love them then why would loving them be viewed as needy? Yes, I had some things to work on and I understand my behavior. Had I just kept my feelings at bay and waited for her things would be different. (maybe). Ladies, if you want to know why men hold their feelings back, I think I might be a good example of why we do Link to post Share on other sites
Geoffrey Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 Well....if her feelings are changing towards you, or she is beginning to move in a different direction (as my ex GF did), then certainly, assuming your feelings DID NOT change, who wouldn't be so inclined to try and hold onto what you see moving away from you that you WANT in your life? I think it is a very fine line between protecting one's interests, doing what one reasonably and honestly can to reach out to the other person while preserving one's own dignity......and leaving tongue marks on the carpet while begging them not to leave you. Link to post Share on other sites
7on Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 I think you might be onto something here. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 Question. If someone is not into you and you are into them, you can come off needy and clingy. But, if they are into you as much as you are into them, would it still be needy and clingy? I mean, I was thinking about how I acted with my ex and I know I loved her deeply. I didn't need her, I just wanted her in my life. It scared her how much I cared about her. I can see how she thinks I might lack confidence and I think I did. But here's the kicker. Because she wasn't into me as much as I was into her, I wonder if that didn't skew her view of me? I mean, if someone loves you as much as you love them then why would loving them be viewed as needy? Yes, I had some things to work on and I understand my behavior. Had I just kept my feelings at bay and waited for her things would be different. (maybe). Ladies, if you want to know why men hold their feelings back, I think I might be a good example of why we do See, this is what I'm talking about! You're finally getting it. My husband is the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet. He's very open and honest about his feelings all the time. I mean, before we got married, we talked about everything- from who plans dates to who should initate sex and how one could go about it without feeling rejected. He's tender, he cries when there is a real need for it, he's not afraid to say how much he loves me etc. We're best friends and don't like to spend large amounts of time apart. We call each other all the time, everyday. We sit on the couch and hold hands and cuddle up at night. We cook in the kitchen together. Sometimes he'll ask me to drive the golf cart when he plays golf. I have never once thought that his behavior is too clingy or needy. BECAUSE I FEEL THE SAME WAY! It's equally balanced. If you're both in love with each other it shouldn't be about someone being clingy or needy. Hell, I'm the definition of needy and he is too, but it never seems to be too much for either of us to meet the others needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 30, 2006 Author Share Posted January 30, 2006 Ms. Pixie, you are right. If she had been into me as much as I had been in to her, I could have, nay, WOULD HAVE backed off. The more she pulled away, the more I wanted to know why. It was like this self-perpetuating downward spiral. All she had to do was show me, in some way or fashion, that she felt the same and I'd have backed off. She never did. I have learned though that I should wait longer to make darn sure she feels the same way as I do before spilling my guts. I've learned a valuable lesson. Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 CG- Go back and read Mz. Pixie's advice again. I think when two people have a clear understanding of each other and their feelings, there is no reason to play games or hold back! You do, however have to consider both people and their personalities. For me, I always enjoyed that my husband had a strong personality like mine and wasn't afraid to speak what was on his mind. The game playing makes life more difficult and I think that is what you might be struggling with right now. You can be a person who says what is on your mind (even if it's something they don't want to hear) if you say it in a kind manner with a sweet and nice tone of voice. Don't go to the game playing arena, that will only complicate your life further! Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 30, 2006 Author Share Posted January 30, 2006 I never said I would play games. I said I would hold back spilling my guts in regards to exactly how I feel when it's the right time. That is, when I am convinced (or she says) she feels the same. I don't play games. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 Ms. Pixie, you are right. Thanks! CG! I'm sorry, but I don't think the timing has much to do with it. The first time my H and I were together, intimately, he said, "I don't want our relationship to be only about sex". At the time I was like, "Sure, yeah, that's what you say NOW" because I thought he was playing me. He wasn't. I think the mistake you made was that you KEPT laying it all out there, and stayed with this person when the results were not what you knew deep down inside you truly deserved. If you would have cut out earlier and not taken her back after the break, you would have probably already been over her by now. Just be who you are. If that person can't see how awesome you are, then that is their problem, not yours. You're spending alot of time, sulking over someone you can't have- when you're blocking any positive people from coming your way with the negative energy. Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 Totally agree with MP- Don't mean to gang up on you honey, but if you are holding back when you feel a certain way and not expressing it, I view that as game playing. Not only with her - but you - and your own mind. Too much energy goes into finding ways to NOT express your true feelings instead of making life simple enough to be honest. The RIGHT gal will not hold your honesty against you.... which brings me to.... You have not let your ex go. It will be very difficult for you to continue to move forward if you keep letting her occupy your thoughts when they could be happy ones. It is totally possible that you may still be totally in love with her - and all your personal growth was made to please her if she came back to you? Personal growth should be done for the right reasons... the person that needs it - you! You can be mad at me if you want to - just a few things I have observed about a nice guy like you, and a few things to consider if you plan to move forward in a positive way..... good luck sweetie. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 30, 2006 Author Share Posted January 30, 2006 Thanks for the reply. It's not that I am sitting her sulking, it's more or less me evaluating who I am. It's entirely true that she wasn't in the same place I was, that's painfully clear. What I am trying to determine is not what I could have done to salvage the relationship, but why I allowed myself to hang on for dear life when I knew it was a sinking ship. That's what irks me. I've never been like that before. Usually when something was wrong I'd be the first person to man the life boat (after the women and children first, of course! ) So as part of growing and learning from my past mistakes, I really need to understand I am a great guy and that I just ended up with a person that was totally confused and not into me. Ok, I get that. I just need to listen to my gut instincts. I knew it was wrong and yet for some reason I just couldn't pull away. Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 It's hard to hold back when you really love someone. You feel so good and you want them to feel the same as you. The problem occurs when you don't reach that love at the same time or one of you doesn't reach it at all. Then the avoiding and awkwardness occurs and the party in-love doesn't understand what changed. You might get upset and a little angry when they don't tell you want is on their mind. Communication is paramount and if one of you can't talk then the relationship is doomed. Being needy or clingy only applies if one of you isn't in-love. Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 From your original post: I can see how she thinks I might lack confidence and I think I did. When a woman really loves a man - she will not view you this way! She would be right beside you lifting you up and making you look and feel as good as was possible! She would never allow you to feel inferior in ANY way if she had the capacity to love. For some reason I am getting the feeling she was the one that was incapable of loving anyone????? Maybe it wasn't you honey! Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 30, 2006 Author Share Posted January 30, 2006 Being needy or clingy only applies if one of you isn't in-love. Fez () I think you hit the nail on the head. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 So as part of growing and learning from my past mistakes, I really need to understand I am a great guy and that I just ended up with a person that was totally confused and not into me. Ok, I get that. CG, maybe it wasn't so much that she wasn't into you as she wasn't interested in the same thing or wasn't ready to move as fast as you. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or what you did. It just means she wasn't right for you. I'm ust offering you a possibility to consider, but maybe the reason you stuck around was because you could tell she was into you. You just didn't know she wanted to move at a different speed. And if that's the case, it's more her fault for not being honest with you about that. Just a possibility... BTW, glad you had a good time in Vegas. Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 Maybe CG has me on IGNORE CG Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 If Caliguy spent more time in the sex and water cooler forums where he fun people banter back and forth he might not think about the ex!??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 30, 2006 Author Share Posted January 30, 2006 CG, maybe it wasn't so much that she wasn't into you as she wasn't interested in the same thing or wasn't ready to move as fast as you. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or what you did. It just means she wasn't right for you. I'm ust offering you a possibility to consider, but maybe the reason you stuck around was because you could tell she was into you. You just didn't know she wanted to move at a different speed. And if that's the case, it's more her fault for not being honest with you about that. Just a possibility... BTW, glad you had a good time in Vegas. You're probably right. She was into me. She did tell a friend she hung on for as long as she did thinking her feelings might change. I never gave her space nor was I able to understand that I needed to pull back the reins a bit. I could sense that I needed to but I was too worried if I did I would lose her for good. Well at least what I know now will prevent me from making the same mistakes in the future. I could never take her back the way she is now so that's sort of the one thing that keeps me from contacting her or wishing she'd make contact with me. What good would having her back now do if we're still in the same place? Vegas was great! I wish I could go every weekend (if it wasn't for the roads being packed on Fridays and Sundays I would ) Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 No there is NOTHING you could have done that would have made it work with this woman. NOTHING. She is forever going to be relationship challenged. Its time to remove said woman from said pedestal. regards Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 30, 2006 Author Share Posted January 30, 2006 Heh, she's off man, trust me. If she wasn't, I'd be emailing her 2-3 times a day, calling her, trying to see her, etc. I've done none of that since I booted her from the house. I've been talking to a lot of women and have gone on a few dates. Just trying to get back into the swing of things. I can feel my confidence returning. That's gratifying, believe me Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 RE: CaliGuy: " If someone is not into you and you are into them, you can come off needy and clingy.......Ladies, if you want to know why we hold our feelings back, I think I might be a good example of why we do." CaliGuy, This is also a trait of alpha-females, -one which I know very well....(Smile). I am well-aware that sometimes, showing your feelings, -either too soon or just inappropriately, altogether, -is often looked upon as weak, needy behavior. Since a partner sometimes, views strength and the ability to control feelings as a challenge in a mate, and may have been attracted to you, partly because of your apparent strength and/or cool level-headedness, and emotional control, -the switch for you, to then, display emotion and desire the return of them can be an immediate turn-off for the partner, who's fantasy of you is suddenly burst, dimiminishing your overall appeal. As curious human beings, we do want what we want until we know it well, how it works, and can see it through and through, -and then it loses it's curiosity. (Smile) -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 30, 2006 Author Share Posted January 30, 2006 RE: CaliGuy, This is also a trait of alpha-females, -one which I know very well....(Smile). I am well-aware that sometimes, showing your feelings, -either too soon or just inappropriately, altogether, -is often looked upon as weak, needy behavior. Since a partner sometimes, views strength and the ability to control feelings as a challenge in a mate, and may have been attracted to you, partly because of your apparent strength and/or cool level-headedness, and emotional control, -the switch for you, to then, display emotion and desire the return of them can be an immediate turn-off for the partner, who's fantasy of you is suddenly burst, dimiminishing your overall appeal. As curious human beings, we do want what we want until we know it well, how it works, and can see it through and through, -and then it loses it's curiosity. (Smile) -Rio Well said, Rio. Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted January 30, 2006 Share Posted January 30, 2006 Hey, Caliguy...glad to see you're out and about in the forums today....wondering if you'd help out one poster, JenJen Heartbroken...I personally can't touch it because it's too close to what's happening in my world right now....but she needs some looking after....I looked at her thread and posts at least four times today and started to answer a couple of times, but just can't do it....maybe later, if I wait a few days... Here's the Link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t80727/ Thanks. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted January 31, 2006 Author Share Posted January 31, 2006 Not sure if I helped or not. The others posting in the thread had some great advice. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 Rio & Cali, I knew my nose was itching for some reason! LOL! Anyway, I ask myself this question about neediness all the time. And going into this last relationship I was very cautious about not letting myself become dependent on his love to make me happy. If anything, it was my boyfriend who pursued me and I was the one holding back....making sure. He was very attentive, saying "I love you" first and more often than I did...gave me about 50 greeting cards and many bouquets of flowers, in addition to all the other gifts. I was even worried that he was coming on too strong, and worried that he might be too needy. But my friends told me to relax and give things a chance, because he was nuts about me and wouldn't hurt me...they said I could trust him. So I did. And the feelings were very balanced and equal for quite some time. Then one day HE changed. And all of a sudden I found myself on the other side of the equation. Feeling panic that he was withdrawing, and feeling the need to hold on to what I was painfully missing from him. Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 Jen Jen, I don't want to Hi-Jack Cali's thread but what I'm about to say, at least, touches on the subject of clinging and the need to have emotions accepted and understood, or reciprocated by a partner. Speaking only vaguely to the 'clingy-ness' issue, again, -I purposely avoid a verbal exchange of the famous words, until I have more assurance that we're either on the same page -or that he's heading there. Time is certainly a factor to be considered when talking about feelings, because mere feelings can lie to you, -it's best to wait on facts to bear out with proof of the stability and the overall direction of the relationship. I don't dare express those feelings face-to-face using 'the words' until I know I am not alone in having them. If the signs that I look for are not there, and there seems to be no hope for growing them, -I have taught myself to start backing out. My feelings are very strong, once formed, and I'll admit, they have a tendency to grow rather fast. That's because I know what I'm looking for and if I begin the relationship by believing it's there, -and it continues to look promising, I turn the emotions loose and let them build. For me, it's just natural. Even tho, my emotions have the green light, I do withhold speaking my feelings for a long time. That's the only protection I give myself. I understand enough about myself, to realize that, if my partner in some way rejects my affection, then I have enough remaining confidence and strength left to walk away and deal with my emotional state. For me, withholding the spoken words until I am ready to hand over everything has proven to be my saving grace more than once. But there have been times when I was younger, when I was without this knowledge, -not having as much experience with it, -and I spoke too soon, -and suffered devastating effects, both with my emotions, as well as my confidence. From which, you should note- I, obviously, recovered. So, who's to say how many times a person can love in a lifetime? I do not think it is an issue for debate, -only a question that hangs there for awhile, to ultimately cause us to realize it cannot be answered at all, and rather, -appreciated, instead, because, to put an end to such a question, it makes us face the only truth: that there is always hope to love again, and again, thereby, also, telling us that the pain of love, -when love is rejected, or lost, -is certainly survivable, and is broken down to it's tiniest form, to an atomic molecule, and absorbed and regenerated in the happiness of new love later on. And that experience will only make your ability to love stronger. So, I am not afraid, -I choose to love hot, hard, and deep. Because I've been there before. And I know it's worth it. It is worth it for you, too. (Smile) Take Care, Jen Jen. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
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