I'd like some advice (preferrably of the female perspective)

[SirJames]

There's a woman that I really like working at a small restaurant near my place of work. When I first started going there, she'd give me free drinks and stuff, and I thought she might like me. After seeing her there more often I've really come to like her. I asked her out to coffee once, but it turns out that she works there 11hrs/day, 7 days/week and she doesn't have the time. (That's not just a line to let me down easy, I've verified that she really does work there all the time.)

 

I've been going to the restaurant to see her there like five times a week now (really starting to hurt the wallet), but she doesn't give me any free stuff anymore and she doesn't have that big, adorable smile she used to whenever I'd show up. I can understand if she thinks I'm not interested; I've been hiding my feelings for her due to my self-conscious nature. The problem is that I am *very* interested in her, but I don't want to just go up to her and say that outright. And I can't ask her out again because she just doesn't have time right now. They're hiring additional staff in the next couple months though, but I can't take all this waiting! I would gladly wait for her time to free up if I knew she was interested in me, but I'm worried that she has given up on me and that she might end up going for someone else.

 

What should I do? Just up and tell her how I feel? Should I wait and see what happens? Or should I just try something different, like send her flowers at work? (Her birthday is coming up soon...) I'd try to let her know by flirting, but I can't flirt worth a damn if I have to be the one to initiate it.

 

There's something about this woman that feels more "right" than any other woman I've ever had feelings for. I don't want to let this slip by! How do I let her know how I feel without messing it up? Help!

[Ed]

You need to approach her as a friend ONLY. Don't get into how you have been thinking about her and how good you think she would be for you. It's way to early for that. You need to find out more about her in a friendly way. Get some background information. How much do you know about her now? Like...Is she married? Does she have a boyfriend? Does she date at all? Is she even interested in dating anyone? Does she have kids? Parents? What are her living arrangements? (Don't worry, yet, about where she lives.) What does she do when she is not at work? If you don't already know the answer to these questions, you need to ask her.

 

You should be really concerned about the amount of time she spends working. Although this may be a necessity for her right now, it sure doesn't leave much time to foster a relationship. Who knows? She may like working long hours. Either way, you could end up feeling very frustrated about her making or finding time to spend with you.

 

Get the background information I mentioned above. Also, get her a nice card to give to her on her birthday. Nothing cheesy! Just a friendly birthday wish. If, through your background questioning, you find out she is available and interested in dating, you could put a note in the birthday card with your phone number(maybe, home and work), offering to meet up with her after she gets off work one day.

 

You don't need to ask for a date more than a couple of times. After that, just continue to be friendly to her. If she is interested in you, she will take you up on your offer. If things don't go any further that they are right now, you probably need to find someplace to go and quit obsessing about her and spending your hard earned money eating out so much.

 

By the way...do you leave her good tips? If you have been skimping on the tips, this might explain why she has cut out the free stuff and smiles.

 

Good luck!

[Laurynn]

No offense, but maybe she's not quite so 'friendly' now because she's a little creeped out by the fact that you go to that restaurant 5 times a week. Maybe she thinks you're obsessed with her? I mean, think about it.....who eats at the same restaurant 5 times a week?

 

Wanna see how she feels about you? Don't go there for a whole week...see if she even notices, then go there and see if she says something about it like, "gee, wondered what happened to you, hadn't seen you in a week" etc.....then consider asking her out.

 

I think it's a little weird that she works 7 days a week, 11 hrs a day. Not too many people work that much. Maybe she has kids to support? A bad marriage that she's running away from? Is there any way to verify that she is in fact SINGLE?

 

L

[SirJames]

Thanks for the reply! I'll give you the background info that I've learned through my discussions with her.

 

She is single, not dating anyone. She lives with her parents and she isn't in any debt, so she doesn't work the long hours for the money. She is the manager at the restaurant and they are trying to hire more staff, but since there are only three of them, she is there all the time. That's the only reason she works those long hours. She has told me on multiple occasions how she hates her job, but she also doesn't want to have to go back to school (college/university) to get something better. I haven't asked her yet what she likes to do in her free time, but as of this moment, she certainly doesn't have much. I understand that this would make dating difficult, but as I mentioned, they are in the process of trying to hire new employees. The "help wanted" sign just happened to go up the day after I asked her out for coffee and she told me she works seven days a week. Could be a coincidence, but maybe not.

 

The card thing sounds good. It's more subtle than flowers, that's for sure...

 

Also, it's been about three months since I starting going to this restaurant, and it's only been the last few weeks that I've been going in more than twice a week. And I definitely can't afford to keep it up, so now is as good a time as any to cut back on the visits I guess.

By the way...do you leave her good tips? If you have been skimping on the tips, this might explain why she has cut out the free stuff and smiles.

Actually, tips aren't really applicable in this situation. It's one of those food kiosk-type things in the food court at the local mall. I guess calling it a "restaurant" was a little misleading. Even still, I usually tell her to keep the change.

[sparkle]

I TOTALLY agree with Laurynn. You're going to that restaurant WAY too much. She probably thinks you're stalking her by now.

 

Take Laurynn's advice about not going to the restaurant for at least a week. And if you do go there, make sure you go no more than once a week, at most. If she's interested in you, she'll be happy to see you then, and trust me, you'll know if she is.

[SirJames]

Sorry, I sort of jumped the gun there... I don't go five times a week, at least I haven't yet. It would have been five this week if I went today or tomorrow, but I didn't/won't now. I usually average about three times a week now, but I never used to go more than twice a week until less than a month ago. And I certainly cannot afford to keep going more than twice a week now.

 

Lots of people from my workplace enjoy this restaurant (actually, it's a food court kiosk-thingy at the mall across the street from work) and our workforce makes up a big portion of their sales. It's not too unheard of for any one of us to go to this place for lunch or supper several times per week. The cafeteria at work is only open for the day shift, us evening workers journey across the street for supper.

 

Some more background to help clear things up: She's never been married, she doesn't have kids, and she lives with her parents. I know that she doesn't enjoy working the long hours because she often tells me that it is boring there and that she hates her job. She is afraid that she can't get anything better without some post-secondary education, and she can't afford to go through more school right now. The reason she works those long hours is because she manages the "restaurant" and there are only two employees other than herself, one of whom only works part-time.

 

Not going in for a week isn't too difficult right now; she leaves on Monday to go visit some friends out of town for a week. She's not only taking a break that she so desperately deserves, but she is also trying to see if the other two employees can hold down the fort without her. I was in to see her on Thursday and she is gone for a week as of Monday. If I wait until the Tuesday after she gets back, that's a decent amount of time without us seeing each other. I'll have to see what her reaction is to seeing me again after nearly two weeks.

 

Which brings up another point. I had no intention of going there for supper during the week while she's away. I'm just wondering if the other two guys who work there (they know me too) will tell her that I didn't come at all during the time she was gone. That might kinda give it all away... Good or bad? I don't know.

[MegaB]

Why do you know so much about her schedule? Also, does it matter if you don't go there while she's gone? she's not going to notice. And I do agree with the female's perspectives above.

 

If I were her, I would have creeped out and also told all my co-workers about you. So if you don't show up to the store while she's gone and suddenly show up after she comes back, that would be even weirder. The co-workers will definitely notice you then, perhaps.

 

And, you shouldn't change your story to going there five times a week to less then that because you felt defensive by the responses above. I doesn't matter *why* you went there so often, or not so often. Admitting to yourself that you "could have" creeped this woman out is a good start to learning more about yourself. Anybody can become anything when they are in love. You learn through making mistakes. I don't think you did anything wrong, but you perhaps just showed up to the store too often. Just slow down and go there once a week or something. Time may heal your, what I consider, semi-obsessive attitude.

 

Good luck!

[Rachel]

Well, I think you need a different strategy.

 

How about this? Disappear for a couple of weeks, and don't show up anywhere near the restaurant. she will definitely notice that if you have indeed been going there regularly.

 

That way, she will wonder what happened to you.

 

Then, after two weeks, go with a "female" girlfriend, and sit where she can see you. She will definitely take notice.

 

After that , ask her out again, and see what happens. Right now, she has the impression that you are single and chasing her. Turn the tables around....

[Ed]

Good going Rachel! If she is interested at all, I think this would work like a charm.

[SirJames]

I know about her schedule because she works the hours that the mall is open. She told me herself that she works there all the time and why. It's not like I just see her from afar; you have to go up to the counter to get your food, and she is always the one behind the counter. On slow days we talk quite a bit, that's how I know so much about her. They cook the food right in front of you, so the other two employees are often there too. They know me, it's like we're all friends. We joke around a lot and stuff.

 

By the way, nothing in my story changed. I definitely agree that I have been going a little too often lately, but many people from my workplace tend to go there several times a week anyways. I honestly don't think she's creeped out by it since it's not uncommon for us to go two or three times a week regularily. But yes, four or five times a week for a few weeks in a row is a bit much, you're absolutely right. But we'll see what happens when I don't show up for a couple weeks.

[SirJames]

Interesting idea...

 

Since it's basically in a food court at the mall, should I be taking this female friend and eating from a different food place and sitting where she can see us, or would you recommend actually going up to the counter where she works and getting our food there?

 

And then later, when I see her after this little sherade, how do I respond if she asks me (and I'm sure she will, knowing her) if that other woman was my girlfriend? Say that I don't know yet? Then if I go asking *her* out, it'll make me look pretty bad, like I can't make up my mind. Does this make any sense...?

 

I'm not trying to knock your advice, it's great. I just want some clarification so I don't throw it all away with one stupid mistake.

[Sierra Sugar]

I think you should dissapear for sure. She probably thinks you are stalking her and is probably getting annoyed. No offence but this is how I would feel. Even if she liked you before I think you may have over done it. So if I were you I would back off a bit. Give her a chance to breath. This way she will wonder what happened to you and the next time you do go in she most likely will be more happy to see you then she probably is when she sees you almost everyday. I hope I didn't offend you but this is just what I think. Hope this helps.

[SirJames]

I think you should dissapear for sure. She

probably thinks you are stalking her and is probably getting annoyed. No offence but this is how I would feel. Even if she liked you before I think you may have over done it. So if I were you I would back off a bit. Give her a chance to breath. This way she will wonder what happened to you and the next time you do go in she most likely will be more happy to see you then she probably is when she sees you almost everyday. I hope I didn't offend you but this is just what I think. Hope this helps.

No, any feedback is good feedback, thank you. I agree that I have been going there a little too much. Despite what most people here seem to believe, *I* don't believe that she thinks I'm stalking her. I have other coworkers that go there just as often, and I rarely go there alone anyhow. But in any case, I totally agree that the best thing is for me to not show up there for a while. It certainly won't hurt.

 

Thanks for the advice everyone!