Emotional Affair? Did he cheat? Are these lies?

[WifeandMom]

I have found out that my H of 10 yrs has been having an "emotional affair" with a W co-worker. I found cell bills where he had been calling her, and vice versa, sometimes 3-4 times a day. He also has been instant messaging her and it has been done mostly through his phone, (which never leaves his sid, but I got into while he was sleeping and found his IM.) He denied everything at first when confronted, then told me they were "just friends" and I was over reacting. He said it is possible for them to be just friends without sex. Anyway, he still lied (after I begged for the truth) and told me she worked some place he never goes, and she was an old friend he had reunited with. REFUSED to tell me her name. Obviously I found out he works with her, and has been for about 12 months. He said he lied because he didnt want me to go to his work and start crap. Also, I know he is protecting her because she is married, and her husband has no clue they were/are talking. When I told him I knew they worked together, he said they only started talking about 4 months ago. Well, I found a card from his work for his b-day and she had signed it, with a heart! (what does that mean?) He does not know why she did that, he says. His birthday was 3 months BEFORE he said he started getting close with her and calling after work hours. My H also has passwords on emails, phones, you name it. I have begged him to give me his passwords so I can check his phone to make sure there are no calls, and he refuses. He says he is "not ready". He wants to show them to me on his terms, not mine. With all this I feel he is still hiding something, and I also think he not only had an emotional affair, I think he also had a sexual affair. He, of course, denies, denies, denies. Oh yea, with all this talking they did, he said they never once met. So tell me, am I a fool if I believe all this. (which I dont) Does it sound like he had a sexual affair?? I hear so many lies, I dont know what to think! Would 2 married people behave this way, so secretly, if they were just friends?

[bluetuesday]

oh, this sucks. i'm so sorry, what an awful situation.

 

i'm afraid it sounds to me like he is having an affair. i don't know if it's sexual, but what's the real difference? he's lying to you about his closeness to another woman. he is sharing secrets with her. he is excluding you. all of these are incompatible with being married to you.

 

he wants to show you the phone bills on his terms, not yours?! what a terrible thing to say to you. as if this hasn't ALL been on his terms already.

 

it's very hard to know what to suggest. but he needs to be willing to come clean, admit what is going on, express regret and be willing to work on saving the marriage. which means he needs to be willing to be honest with you, to stop the secrecy and to stop seeing her.

 

if he isn't, pack him a bag when he's at work, leave it on the front step, change the locks and go to a solicitor. tell him you'll try to sort it out some other day - on YOUR terms. maybe then he'll realise what he's risking.

 

i would probably also find out where the other woman lives and tell her husband you think his wife is having an affair with your husband. if it's not true, your husband and this woman will be willing and able to prove it, right?

[Curmudgeon]

and they can very often be more devastating than a physical affair because of the feelings involved. So the answer to your question is, "Yes! He's cheating." Add to that his unwilingness to "come clean" to you and his continued secretiveness and furtiveness and I think you knew the answer before you asked the question.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. From your handle you appear to have children. Ask yourself what kind of relationship you want them to have as an example. Since children learn what they live, what they see and experience in your marriage is what they'll likely take into their own future relationships.

[Curmudgeon]

and they can very often be more devastating than a physical affair because of the feelings involved. So the answer to your question is, "Yes! He's cheating." Add to that his unwilingness to "come clean" to you and his continued secretiveness and furtiveness and I think you knew the answer before you asked the question.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. From your handle you appear to have children. Ask yourself what kind of relationship you want them to have as an example. Since children learn what they live, what they see and experience in your marriage is what they'll likely take into their own future relationships.

[jmargel]

If he's refusing to give you the passwords right then & there and he continues to lie about this affair then yes I would have to say he's cheating. He's protecting her because he wants to protect himself. He'll make it sound like your 'paranoid', crazy and insecure. Don't fall for it. Give him the ultamatium tonight. All the passwords now or he's out of the house. Also call the cell company and request past bills with the phone numbers on it.

 

No reason why you have to play detective.

[WifeandMom]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to consider my issue, and respond with advice. It is so much easier taking advice from people who are outside looking in.

Passwords....Tried to call cell phone company to get past bills. Husband put on a "passcode" meaning I cant access his account without this code. I asked him for it, he said he forgot it, it is at his work. Yea, real lame excuse.

Yes, we have kids too, this is where it gets real hard. If there were not children, I would have been gone the 1st time he did this to me. (Last time I was 9 months pregnant when he did this). But, last time he admitted everything to me. But why he is still lying this time I do not know. He said he does not love her, "We are just friends"....Ugh...If I hear that one more time....

Also, should I try and contact the OW to get truth? Or maybe her husband to tell him? I know I would want to know....

I did tell him last night, no more passwords because it is not right and I refuse to live my life like that. I told him I am the one now questioning marriage. I am not afraid to be alone. When I go out, I am always getting hit on (No, I dont toot my own horn!) and I know I am an attractive woman. Knowing this, is making it easier in my mind if I do leave. He said he is willing to go to marriage counceling with me. So, why is he willing to do that but not tell me the truth? I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND MEN!!!

[ThatOneGuy]

Hey! Don't compare the rest of us with a penis to your husband. Thats just rude.

 

Anyway, I sugjest you take the power supply to the back of his computer and take his cell phone charger, and tell him he can have them back when you get your passwords and he starts telling the truth

[Mz. Pixie]

Cheaters always lie, either to protect themselves or to keep from hurting the other person. Which is crazy because if they wanted to not hurt the other person they wouldn't have cheated.

 

There is no doubt in my mind he's cheating. If not, he wouldn't have a problem giving you passwords, letting you see the e mails etc. Your best bet is to get a keylogger for your computer- you CAN have that stuff pulled off your harddrive anyway even if he deletes it. He wants to show it to you on his own time because he's going to DELETE anything he can that will confirm for you what he's been up to. If the cell phone is in both of your names that is something he cannot delete. Call and request copies, NOW.

 

I would also think very hard about informing the OW's husband about what's going on. That is the quickest way to stop this.

 

He's done this more than once?????

 

That's the sign of a serial cheater, IMO.

 

His choices are simple. He gives you all his passwords- TODAY and you guys go for marriage counseling. No more secrets ever. If he won't do these things then I'd see a lawyer and he'd be out.

[WifeandMom]

If you were married, would you sign your name, with a heart, on a birthday card to a co-worker you know?

I work in an ALL male environment, and i would NEVER sign a heart next to my name unless I knew this person liked me, or we had something. Now, we are not in High School anymore, why would a married woman do this, to a married man?

Hubby says....its just friendship! He thinks that all women do this...sign thier names with a heart. Do women do that?

[ThatOneGuy]

They do here in High School, but im not middle-aged, so I wouldn't know. I would think that girls would... I dunno... grow up later in life and stop with the whole Note-passing, Heart drawing sterotype typical with teenagers.

[BUTAFLY]

If you were married, would you sign your name, with a heart, on a birthday card to a co-worker you know?

I work in an ALL male environment, and i would NEVER sign a heart next to my name unless I knew this person liked me, or we had something. Now, we are not in High School anymore, why would a married woman do this, to a married man?

Hubby says....its just friendship! He thinks that all women do this...sign thier names with a heart. Do women do that?

 

grown mature women do not. I have seen your typical "pop tart" type...ya know the one thats hanging on to her youth that may dot her i's with a bubble or heart for that matter. but most adult women have the sence not to do this.

[It's all good]

Well, I suspect he will do it again after this one is over too. It doesn't sound like he really wants to be married. He may really love you and the kids, so he wants the marriage, but also wants to feel single and ACT single. You cannot have it both ways. Since he has cheated before i fear that even if he does choose the marriage he will still have that creeping feeling to go else where. It doesn't sound as if he has enough will power to stay away from that choice. So it may very well be totally up to you to make the right decision for you. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering every minute he is not in your site if he's sleeping around. What if somewhere in the future one of your kids see's daddy with another woman who's not mommy! That could hurt the kids more than them just having divorced parents. If you get out now before there is a lot of perment damage you two might be able to have a really civil relationship which would be important to the kids.

 

Sorry I am so negetive about all this, I just feel that cheating is something that happens more than once and doesn't stop.

[Ladyjane14]

Cheaters always lie, either to protect themselves or to keep from hurting the other person. Which is crazy because if they wanted to not hurt the other person they wouldn't have cheated.

 

There is no doubt in my mind he's cheating. If not, he wouldn't have a problem giving you passwords, letting you see the e mails etc. Your best bet is to get a keylogger for your computer- you CAN have that stuff pulled off your harddrive anyway even if he deletes it. He wants to show it to you on his own time because he's going to DELETE anything he can that will confirm for you what he's been up to. If the cell phone is in both of your names that is something he cannot delete. Call and request copies, NOW.

 

I would also think very hard about informing the OW's husband about what's going on. That is the quickest way to stop this.

 

He's done this more than once?????

 

That's the sign of a serial cheater, IMO.

 

His choices are simple. He gives you all his passwords- TODAY and you guys go for marriage counseling. No more secrets ever. If he won't do these things then I'd see a lawyer and he'd be out.

 

I agree with MzPixie for the most part. The only exception being that I wouldn't 'tip my hand' just yet.

 

Install a keylogger. Get the detail records on the cell phone. Stop questioning him. Play dumb while you're collecting the evidence. That last part is going to be REALLY difficult for you, and you'll need to put your 'game face' on in order to get it done.

 

Unfortunately, liars will LIE....until you rub the truth on their noses. You'll need to make sure you have enough solid proof so that he won't be able to evade it. Even then, he won't admit more he absolutely has to.

 

You'll want to copy whatever information you find and save it in a secure location. It's an unpleasant prospect, but you may need to show it to a lawyer sometime.

 

It's a painful thing to have to INVESTIGATE a person that you should've been able to trust 100%. Believe me...I know. But you can't solve a problem until you've properly identified it.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

This question is for the ladies

If you were married, would you sign your name, with a heart, on a birthday card to a co-worker you know?

I work in an ALL male environment, and i would NEVER sign a heart next to my name unless I knew this person liked me, or we had something. Now, we are not in High School anymore, why would a married woman do this, to a married man?

Hubby says....its just friendship! He thinks that all women do this...sign thier names with a heart. Do women do that?

 

Not unless I was involved with the guy.

 

Don't think being in highschool, or being in your 30s, 40s, etc. has anything to do with it. Think about it ... if you are in a relationship you do different things to let the OP know you are thinking about them, you love them, etc. My H and I are constantly putting different messages on our bathroom mirror (after a hot shower has steamed it up), so that the other can see what was left for them after their shower. Mostly it is an I with a heart and then a U. Then it expands to 2, 3, 4, 4-ever, XOXOXO, etc., etc. You do cute little stuff like that when you have/share something together ... not when you are just friends.

 

Sorry you are going through this.

[Ladylay]

Would 2 married people behave this way, so secretly, if they were just friends?

 

It depends , her husband could be jealous, so maybe your husband is giving her emotional support.

 

I find it odd he has not told you if it is an innocent friendship.

 

Sorry you are going through this.

[jmargel]

Tell him to forget marriage counseling until you get that password. He has until the end of the week to give it to you. If he doesn't, kick him out this weekend. I would talk to her husband to see what is up. Both are being sneaky.

 

You deserve better and are worth being with. Be strong and don't back down.

[sylviaguardian]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I could have written this post myself and I am sorry to say, that yes the chances are that he is cheating.

 

If they were just friends, he would not have to take his phone everywhere with him and he would not have had to keep it a secret. Let me tell you what I think some of it means.

 

I have found out that my H of 10 yrs has been having an "emotional affair" with a W co-worker. I found cell bills where he had been calling her, and vice versa, sometimes 3-4 times a day. He also has been instant messaging her and it has been done mostly through his phone, (which never leaves his sid, but I got into while he was sleeping and found his IM.) He denied everything at first when confronted, then told me they were "just friends" and I was over reacting.

 

You are not over-reacting. Why would he deny it at first if there is nothing to worry about.

 

He said it is possible for them to be just friends without sex.

 

What this probably means is that they have done everything else apart from sex.

 

Anyway, he still lied (after I begged for the truth) and told me she worked some place he never goes, and she was an old friend he had reunited with. REFUSED to tell me her name. Obviously I found out he works with her, and has been for about 12 months. He said he lied because he didnt want me to go to his work and start crap.

 

His inconsistencies tell you that you will not get the truth from him unless you have some proof.

Also, I know he is protecting her because she is married, and her husband has no clue they were/are talking.

Change this. Phone her husband and tell him. Once the two of you start working together, I am sure you will piece it all together.

When I told him I knew they worked together, he said they only started talking about 4 months ago. Well, I found a card from his work for his b-day and she had signed it, with a heart! (what does that mean?) He does not know why she did that, he says. His birthday was 3 months BEFORE he said he started getting close with her and calling after work hours.

 

Ouch - been there. I thought I was originally dealing with an emotional affair of 4 months. After months of digging, it turned out to be an emotional and sexual affair spanning nearly 3 years! Get the phone bills!

My H also has passwords on emails, phones, you name it. I have begged him to give me his passwords so I can check his phone to make sure there are no calls, and he refuses.

 

Because it is still going on.

 

He says he is "not ready". He wants to show them to me on his terms, not mine.

 

this means he wants time to delete anything incriminating and he still hasn't come to terms with finishing with her.

 

With all this I feel he is still hiding something, and I also think he not only had an emotional affair, I think he also had a sexual affair. He, of course, denies, denies, denies.

 

It's the first line of defence for cheaters.

Oh yea, with all this talking they did, he said they never once met. So tell me, am I a fool if I believe all this. (which I dont)

 

You are not a fool. Of course you want to believe him - he's your husband. He is manipulating you.

 

Does it sound like he had a sexual affair??

 

Yes, it does. Without a doubt.

I hear so many lies, I dont know what to think! Would 2 married people behave this way, so secretly, if they were just friends?

 

No.

 

Sorry to be so blunt but if you want to save your sanity, you have to choose to believe one side only. Do you believe your own instinct or your husband? I say go with your instinct. He is lying and he is continuing the affair. Don't let him do this to you. I know it is hard when you have children but you need to get some evidence.

[Angel]

Secrecy is the hallmark of infidelity.

He IS cheating on you.

Stop questioning it-----the evidence is there.

How to stop it? An ultimatum---get out or stop. All passwords/names/info in your hands immediately or GET OUT and file for divorce. Having the divorce papers in hand will really get to him. HE HAS TO KNOW YOU MEAN BUSINESS.

 

"If" he gets it, the Fact that you mean it-----he can work on fixing things with you later-----BUT, don't be surprised if he refuses to give up the relationship at first. He is in a fog. Before the fog lifts, he MUST STOP ALL CONTACT WITH HER. A no-contact letter needs to be written with your supervision---and it must state that he will never see her again, does not love her, and loves his wife and children.

 

Good luck.