Out of my league?

[Zeppelin456]

Okay, I made a post in the coping section about my situation called "The Horrible Feeling". Essentially, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me in december and I've been dealing with all of the requisite issues that go along with this, in addition to adjusting to going to college in New York City. The combination of these two major life changes has been crippling at times and yet exciting at others, and still, I keep hitting the same wall. I can NOT meet girls here. This girl who I dated for two years was my first everything, first kiss, first girlfriend, etc etc etc....and basically, I don't know how to deal with girls, having had no practice ever aside from this one. Additionally, I'm at school in New York City and I just feel completely out of my league here, in terms of some social aspects. I'm a somewhat introverted person, don't love clubbing or going to bars as much as I just like getting to know people more intimately. My high school life was good like this, I had plenty of close friends, many girls. Here however, I have few friends who are girls and NO romantic options. Must I completely change myself, or at least pretend to? I'm really feeling stuck, any advice would be appreciated.

[Yamaha]

Must I completely change myself, or at least pretend to?

 

No you don't have to change yourself. You do realize that by being the type of man you are you will probably have women as friends. By wanting to get intimate (socially) women will use you as an emotional outlet but not necessarily for romance. You will just have to look harder to find the gal for you but I don't recommend changing your personality.

[Lucasarts]

hmm well if you really want girls for romantic interests, then i would suggest changing the social aspect of your personality. Dont necessarily lie about who you are, just be the living embodiment of what you are. Be outgoing, be fun, be everything that attracts a girl (being a good listener is a key point, but then being able to respond to what they say in an intelligent and humorous way is also key too.)

 

if you arent necessarily an outgoing, funny, attractive creature, then i suggest simply enhancing those qualities. Learn to loosen up and open up (but not so emotionally where its almost pathetic, big turn off for girls, until they REALLY know you) dont be afraid to say what you think sometimes. No one is perfect and saying a few wrong things at times is excusable and even laughable as a memory.

 

if you want to get a girl, simply enhance your social qualities, but dont change who you are inside. If you're just the same as some other guy, what makes you so special then?

[Zeppelin456]

here's how i see myself. I'm not unnatractive at all, i also don't think I'm hot stuff. I perceive myself as the type of person who is worth it to get to know, but isn't necesarily easy to get to know, and I think this stems from some deeply engrained lack of social self-confidence. I was overweight until around the age of 16, and sometimes, I feel like my own self-image issues from up until that point continue to dog me now. My ex-girlfriend was always a pretty anti-social person as well, and I feel like I balanced that out by acting MORE outgoing than I usually would. However, now that we've broken up, I feel like I've reverted to a worse self, or something.

 

My problem is, I'm just not GOOD at socializing with strangers, which is a large portion of my life as a college freshman. I feel awkward and out of place. With the departure of my girlfriend, I also now feel ugly and worthless again and while I KNOW these things aren't true, I feel like I might be projecting them. These issues are sorta complex I guess for an online messageboard, but I just feel like I have to say this all somewhere.

[Lucasarts]

hmm well when you're in college dont worry man, my brother was a huge nerd and pretty much had no friends in high school. But in college he was happy and had plenty of friends and they were all interested in the same things. Thats what is so great about college, there are so many mixes of people that you can easily find others that share the same qualities and interests as yourself and makes it easy to make friends. Basically knowing your background now, i would stick to just being yourself and finding a girl that shares the same qualities and interests like yourself. Dont worry its not that hard, just dont try too hard to find one, its more likely then not that the opportunity for this girl to come will present itself. Right now i would focus on lookin on the better side of life and deal with your own problems first before dealing with "i wanna girlfriend" problem.

[phyrespryte]

My problem is, I'm just not GOOD at socializing with strangers, which is a large portion of my life as a college freshman. I feel awkward and out of place. With the departure of my girlfriend, I also now feel ugly and worthless again and while I KNOW these things aren't true, I feel like I might be projecting them. These issues are sorta complex I guess for an online messageboard, but I just feel like I have to say this all somewhere.

 

Well it seems that you understand yourself pretty well. You know what you like and why you do the things you do. I don't think that you need to change yourself. And it's kind of hard to do that anyways.

 

You have social skills you just need to work on them a bit. You said that in h.s. you had lots of close friends, so you know how to make friends. I think it's just that when you get older it's just takes longer to make new friends. In h.s. you're kind of forced to see the same people over and over. But in college you might see someone in one class and then never see them again.

 

Just keep socializing with people and eventually you'll feel less awkward.