Question

[Artlover]

I have a dilemma, but first let me preface this by saying, I already know I'm a bit of a worrier by nature. Quick background: I met a guy through a close friend back in May. I was visiting my friend in the state I'm moving to in December. I already had plans to move there, so it was simply a pleasant coincidence I met a guy while there.

 

We have stayed in contact ever since. E-mails, phone calls. We speak at least once a week on the phone for two sometimes three hours. During the week, we're both busy, so we e-mail only here and there. The more I get to know him, the more I like him. I think were both being ourselves and we've even clashed here and there (we're both pretty opinionated) and I consider that a good thing.

 

He's shown himself to be reliable and considerate (he sent me a card for my birthday and called me the day after to see how my party went). Considering how early this all is, I don't take those things lightly. He even told the friend that introduced us that me moving to his city will "solve his girlfriend problem."

 

So what's the problem? He was supposed to visit me in my state this weekend and he bailed. He started in Florida to shoot a film, then he went to a wedding in Ireland. Then he was planning to stop here to see me and another friend and then onto Delaware to see his mother than back to Florida then back to his house. Ok, from the START, I thought this schedule was absurd, but didn't say anything. The film took a lot out of him. The wedding in Ireland was stressful. He got to the airport here and just decided to turn around back to Florida to finish his film instead (skipping me and mom).

 

He hadn't firmed up his accomodations here with his friend (he couldn't stay with me--long story) and had run out of money and just made a last minute decision to leave while still at the airport. He called me that night, really apologetic, explaining for like a half an hour. He did feel bad, but I'm really disappointed. He's coming back here at the end of Sept for a wedding, but I can't help but wonder if he's wary of seeing me again.

 

There's a part of me that feels he would have planned better ahead of time if he REALLY wanted to see me. Also, I tried to visit him back in June and he had other people visiting at the same time, but I was surprised he didn't just fit me in. Granted I only gave him 5 days notice. Maybe my expectations are too high here. I did ask him once if he was wary of seeing me again and he assured me he wasn't. That's it's all been circumstance. He even said: "I'm honest with you as long as you're honest with me. I would tell you if there was a problem." Should I bring this up again or keep my mouth shut and wait until he gets here in a month?

[Tony T]

He has sent you some very mixed messages. On the one hand, he has been very considerate and thoughtful with emails, calls, birthday wishes, etc. But I personally see no reason why he couldn't have visited you on the several occasions that he could have unless he is terribly shy.

 

I always feel like people do exactly what they want to do. If he was at your city's airport, he could have called you to come and say hello while he was waiting for his next flight...if indeed he felt like he needed to move on. There was no good reason why he couldn't have made even an hour to see you back in June.

 

You might want to just hold on to this until you move closer to him but not take it nearly as seriously. He could be being coy, he could be very busy, could be shy, could have other girls, etc. But he surely isn't making you feel very special in the "in-person" department.

 

Don't count on being his "girl" when you move. But if it happens, fine. If I were you, I would start pulling back on the emails, phone calls, etc. Don't make them as frequent or the calls as long. If he senses you are pulling back, if he's really interested in you you'll see some changes in him. If he's not, he won't notice.

 

Don't make this guy the center of your love life or your world for now. See other people, look forward to meeting other people when you move. Take the emails and phone calls far less seriously than you have been.

 

I'm with you. If this guy really wanted to see you on the times you were around, he surely could have made a bit of time.

 

If when you are in his city he shows some major change in his desire to see you in person, great. If not, stop the emails entirely and talk to him for five minutes only when HE calls...and never call him.

 

He's weird and you have a right to be concerned.

[Ed]

Artlover,

 

I think you ought to just cool it with this guy until you move to his town. I don't mean quit corresponding with him on the computer or talking to him on the phone. I mean, just don't put a lot of stock into this until you get to spend some real, live, face to face time with him. This long distance thing you have going with him adds up to zilch in terms of whether you two will or could make a good couple.

 

It's all fine and dandy to get to know each other from a distance, but what matters is whether you can get along in person. And there is a BIG difference. You could know everything there is to know about someone , but it doesn't add up to a hill of beans until you have spent time with them. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you two won't get along great, later. Just hold yer horses until that time comes.

 

I know you are in a tough situation, relationship-wise. You can't get too involved with anyone where you are now, because you will be moving soon. But, use that same logic with this current guy. Don't get too involved until you are actually there and get to spend real, live time together.

 

In the mean time, you can continue to contact each other, with the possibility of getting together later. But, that will be later. It is not now.

 

If things don't work out with him, you can get something going with someone else after you are settled in your new town.

[Artlover]

I think you're both right. Even though that's not exactly what I wanted to hear, it's what I've been feeling deep down.

 

Just to clarify: I didn't actually visit his city in June. I asked him ahead of time of it would be a good time to visit and told him it was ok to tell me the truth. He told me it wasn't a good time, but he would be visiting my city in August, so not to worry... If I had visited his city and he didn't even make an hour to see me, believe me, I wouldn't be asking about him in the loveshack forum!

Artlover, I think you ought to just cool it with this guy until you move to his town. I don't mean quit corresponding with him on the computer or talking to him on the phone. I mean, just don't put a lot of stock into this until you get to spend some real, live, face to face time with him. This long distance thing you have going with him adds up to zilch in terms of whether you two will or could make a good couple. It's all fine and dandy to get to know each other from a distance, but what matters is whether you can get along in person. And there is a BIG difference. You could know everything there is to know about someone , but it doesn't add up to a hill of beans until you have spent time with them. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you two won't get along great, later. Just hold yer horses until that time comes. I know you are in a tough situation, relationship-wise. You can't get too involved with anyone where you are now, because you will be moving soon. But, use that same logic with this current guy. Don't get too involved until you are actually there and get to spend real, live time together. In the mean time, you can continue to contact each other, with the possibility of getting together later. But, that will be later. It is not now.

 

If things don't work out with him, you can get something going with someone else after you are settled in your new town.

[Dragonflys]

It sounds like he just didn't feel right to see you at that time, and felt it would make a bad impression. Maybe he had run out of money, and if it were me and I had run out of money I would have done the same thing. There is nothing worse than being short of cash in the company of someone you want to create a good impression with. It is also possible he was just worn out and preoccupied and he felt he could not enjoy the time with you properly and again, create a bad first impression.

 

Given that he called you and didn't mess you around, I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt here and look forward to seeing him in a month when he feels ready.

[Artlover]

Thank you all so much for the objective feedback. I won't write him off completely, but I won't make any more moves towards him until he gets here in September (if he actually does--I'm not holding my breath). I won't call or e-mail him for now and if he calls or e-mails me, I will certainly be nice to him. I'm just going to have to see all of this as casual until I'm where he is, otherwise, it's going to drive me mad. I can already feel it beginning to and I don't want that! Here I am thinking I'm building something, but actually, it's all pretty tenuous until we're in the same place.

 

By the way, when he told me June was a bad time for me to visit, I turned around and made plans to go to Montreal. I didn't call or e-mail for a few days and he was on the phone immediately trying to see if I was mad at him. And he was the same way Thursday night. But I am a big believer in actions being louder than words. No, he has never just blown me off or treated me badly, he's just not going that extra mile to ensure that he sees me. Weird.

 

It sounds like he just didn't feel right to see you at that time, and felt it would make a bad impression. Maybe he had run out of money, and if it were me and I had run out of money I would have done the same thing. There is nothing worse than being short of cash in the company of someone you want to create a good impression with. It is also possible he was just worn out and preoccupied and he felt he could not enjoy the time with you properly and again, create a bad first impression. Given that he called you and didn't mess you around, I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt here and look forward to seeing him in a month when he feels ready.