Love Dilemma?

[John]

Hello!

 

RE: Love Dilemma?

 

I have a huge dilemma and I really need to do something about it, but I don't know what to do, and was wondering if you could offer your advice or a suggestion.

 

Okay, on to the problem. When I was around 10 or 11 years old, something like that, I don't even remember, I had my first ever girlfriend. At that age nothing much happened apart from going Swimming with each other and maybe a kiss on the cheek etc.

 

The next thing I know is that I am now in High School and I'm a *ucked up teenager with hormones all over the place as well as brain cells all over the place and everywhere except my head and we were then not boyfriend and girlfriend anymore.

 

A decade on, and a small handful of failures with women later, I see this girl coming past me in a busy public place. I didn't even recognise her until she was right by me, and then it dawned on me in an instant, with a weird look on my face and I just said "Hi". Jesus Christ! What a prick! She said "Hi" back, but we kind of kept on walking in opposite directions. After that, I kept thinking about this extremely brief encounter more and more.

 

It was mid to late summer 1998 and my Mum came home one evening and told me that she'd just been talking with my very first as she had bumped into her at her place of work, and my Mum told me that she had said I should pop in and see her sometime! Of course when you hear this from your Mum you just play it cool and say "What for?" and you try and make out like you don't care.

 

Of course after I had heard this I was thinking that I should definitely go and pop in, and maybe this time I'll manage more than a pathetic "Hi".

 

Shortly after that I did pop into her place of work and asked if she was there. Unfortunately she was on holiday at that time in some other part of the UK. I then popped in a few weeks later and asked again, but she wasn't working that night. There were maybe one or two other times when I could have popped back in again, when it is possible that she could have been working on those nights, but I didn't. I don't know why, I just can't explain it. Maybe I was worried about making a fool of myself? But that had never stopped me before.

 

Time eventually passed by, and I seemed more interested in just going out with my mates and getting drunk and watching football, playing pool and going to night-clubs, and just having fun etc. Eventually though, night-clubs seemed to lose there appeal as did supposed mates, and I found myself turning into a different person, I seemed to be trying to discover what I wanted out of life and what my goals were, and how to start achieving them as soon as I could because I didn't want to think of myself as a failure.

 

In short I was settling down into a routine and a regular job, but something was missing from my life. A big, big something! It was my very first girlfriend! I had gradually since I saw her briefly; become convinced that she was my intended soul mate in life! I don't know how I know this I just do! Maybe if I met her again she would stick to fingers up at me and wouldn't think the same, I don't know. But the way I see it now, is that I am mid 20's, 24.5 to be precise. And if I don't try, I'll never know!

 

The big problem now was actually finding her! The way my mind works, is that I don't like to make a big deal about things or actively pursue something that I want, because it is not my style as I am a rather relaxed laid back kind of person. What I wanted was to meet her just by chance again in the street, and hopefully it would be the chance that I needed. I'm not in love with her or anything! How could I be? The first time around I were only 10 or 11 years old and I really didn't know what I was doing. She might have known, but I certainly didn't, it was completely different because we were so young. If I had a "second chance" with my very first girlfriend, I wouldn't really see it as a second chance as such, I would see it as a "new" chance. I say that because it would be completely different, and we wouldn't really be the same people we were a decade and a half ago, so I would have to get to know her all over again.

 

Maybe it would be a complete failure if it ever did happen again? I wouldn't be too surprised if it was because even if I am extremely good looking I am not the best with women! I'm funny, but I'm just too used to living on my own, and am really quite selfish even if I don't sometimes intend to be. I have also never been out with a girl for longer than 4 months or so, I have just been out with girls for usually a couple of days max, or just one night, and then never seen them again. Most blokes probably wouldn't complain about that as they believe in the three "Fs" (find them, *uck them, and, forget them!), however not me! I think maybe I have just been unlucky so far? And maybe it was just the women that believed in the three F's with me? I never really wanted such short-term flings with women, I have always wanted, and look for long-term relationships, but they have never materialised!

 

I don't know why I am convinced she is the one for me, it is just something I feel inside me and have got to at least find out one way or the other before I can rest in peace. At this moment in time I can't even look at other women in that way because I feel I would be thinking of this girl all the time and that wouldn't be fair, especially if I am thinking someone else is the person I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with?

 

The problem for me then was that time was starting to pass by and I still hadn't bumped into this girl and I kept getting more depressed in the Love Life department. I found myself meeting with one or two other girls but it just didn't feel right and I couldn't do anything about it because I was thinking of another at the same time. Anyway, I then decided that I had got to at least find out whereabouts she was now living so I could maximise my chances of bumping into her accidentally! J But I didn't have a clue where she could be! I had a feeling that she may no longer even be living in the same area as me and could have moved to some other part of the UK, based on some information I had previously never even thought about. I tried phone books but there was no listing. I tried finding older phone books but couldn't.

 

It has only been just recently that I made a big breakthrough! I found a pretty flabbergasting website where you can search for pretty much anyone in the UK! It is a pretty scary thing for people to not know that their details are out there and people could quite easily find them if they wanted to. In fact I'd probably say that on this website ¾ of everyone in the UK is listed there along with their addresses! And that's a from a total population of around 62 Million! My first attempt with the correct spelling of her first name and surname came up trumps! I believe I have now found where the person lives, and it was still in my area after all, and probably only a couple of miles away!

 

The big problem I now have is what to do? How do you accidentally bump into someone knowing full well on your part that it is no accident? What about telling the truth? If I did that they would think I was weird or some kind of stalker or something? But then I think back to what my Mum told me a few years previously about this girl saying I should pop in and see her sometime! But I can hardly turn up on her doorstep can I? And I would look a right prick if she had a boyfriend and he answered! I don't even know what her situation is now! For all I know she could be married with a couple of kids!

 

This is the real problem I have! What the flaming heck am I supposed to do now? Maybe it is already too late? Maybe it was never meant to be anyway? But what if it is meant to be and we are soul mates and I miss the boat? I've got to do something, but in a way I don't think I can, can I?

 

What do you suggest I do?

 

Faithfully and clueless

 

John

[Artlover]

John,

 

If you have a way to get in contact with this woman (other than her job), please do so already. Jesus. Waiting to bump into her on the street is a pointless waste of time.

 

On the other hand, you yourself know you're not exactly boyfriend material...yet. So what's this all about really? It's ok at 24 for a person to be single. It's ok at any age, but it's perfectly understandable to not be ready to be in a committed relationship in your early 20's.

 

Relax. Get in contact if you must, but I would think it through first. What do you really want from this person? She could reject you completely or think you're mad. You know that right? Or she could be into it and expect something to come of it. Just think this through! The only love dilemma you have is in your head!!!!

Hello! RE: Love Dilemma? I have a huge dilemma and I really need to do something about it, but I don't know what to do, and was wondering if you could offer your advice or a suggestion. Okay, on to the problem. When I was around 10 or 11 years old, something like that, I don't even remember, I had my first ever girlfriend. At that age nothing much happened apart from going Swimming with each other and maybe a kiss on the cheek etc. The next thing I know is that I am now in High School and I'm a *ucked up teenager with hormones all over the place as well as brain cells all over the place and everywhere except my head and we were then not boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. A decade on, and a small handful of failures with women later, I see this girl coming past me in a busy public place. I didn't even recognise her until she was right by me, and then it dawned on me in an instant, with a weird look on my face and I just said "Hi". Jesus Christ! What a prick! She said "Hi" back, but we kind of kept on walking in opposite directions. After that, I kept thinking about this extremely brief encounter more and more.

 

It was mid to late summer 1998 and my Mum came home one evening and told me that she'd just been talking with my very first as she had bumped into her at her place of work, and my Mum told me that she had said I should pop in and see her sometime! Of course when you hear this from your Mum you just play it cool and say "What for?" and you try and make out like you don't care. Of course after I had heard this I was thinking that I should definitely go and pop in, and maybe this time I'll manage more than a pathetic "Hi". Shortly after that I did pop into her place of work and asked if she was there. Unfortunately she was on holiday at that time in some other part of the UK. I then popped in a few weeks later and asked again, but she wasn't working that night. There were maybe one or two other times when I could have popped back in again, when it is possible that she could have been working on those nights, but I didn't. I don't know why, I just can't explain it. Maybe I was worried about making a fool of myself? But that had never stopped me before. Time eventually passed by, and I seemed more interested in just going out with my mates and getting drunk and watching football, playing pool and going to night-clubs, and just having fun etc. Eventually though, night-clubs seemed to lose there appeal as did supposed mates, and I found myself turning into a different person, I seemed to be trying to discover what I wanted out of life and what my goals were, and how to start achieving them as soon as I could because I didn't want to think of myself as a failure.

 

In short I was settling down into a routine and a regular job, but something was missing from my life. A big, big something! It was my very first girlfriend! I had gradually since I saw her briefly; become convinced that she was my intended soul mate in life! I don't know how I know this I just do! Maybe if I met her again she would stick to fingers up at me and wouldn't think the same, I don't know. But the way I see it now, is that I am mid 20's, 24.5 to be precise. And if I don't try, I'll never know! The big problem now was actually finding her! The way my mind works, is that I don't like to make a big deal about things or actively pursue something that I want, because it is not my style as I am a rather relaxed laid back kind of person. What I wanted was to meet her just by chance again in the street, and hopefully it would be the chance that I needed. I'm not in love with her or anything! How could I be? The first time around I were only 10 or 11 years old and I really didn't know what I was doing. She might have known, but I certainly didn't, it was completely different because we were so young. If I had a "second chance" with my very first girlfriend, I wouldn't really see it as a second chance as such, I would see it as a "new" chance. I say that because it would be completely different, and we wouldn't really be the same people we were a decade and a half ago, so I would have to get to know her all over again. Maybe it would be a complete failure if it ever did happen again? I wouldn't be too surprised if it was because even if I am extremely good looking I am not the best with women! I'm funny, but I'm just too used to living on my own, and am really quite selfish even if I don't sometimes intend to be. I have also never been out with a girl for longer than 4 months or so, I have just been out with girls for usually a couple of days max, or just one night, and then never seen them again. Most blokes probably wouldn't complain about that as they believe in the three "Fs" (find them, *uck them, and, forget them!), however not me! I think maybe I have just been unlucky so far? And maybe it was just the women that believed in the three F's with me? I never really wanted such short-term flings with women, I have always wanted, and look for long-term relationships, but they have never materialised!

 

I don't know why I am convinced she is the one for me, it is just something I feel inside me and have got to at least find out one way or the other before I can rest in peace. At this moment in time I can't even look at other women in that way because I feel I would be thinking of this girl all the time and that wouldn't be fair, especially if I am thinking someone else is the person I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with? The problem for me then was that time was starting to pass by and I still hadn't bumped into this girl and I kept getting more depressed in the Love Life department. I found myself meeting with one or two other girls but it just didn't feel right and I couldn't do anything about it because I was thinking of another at the same time. Anyway, I then decided that I had got to at least find out whereabouts she was now living so I could maximise my chances of bumping into her accidentally! J But I didn't have a clue where she could be! I had a feeling that she may no longer even be living in the same area as me and could have moved to some other part of the UK, based on some information I had previously never even thought about. I tried phone books but there was no listing. I tried finding older phone books but couldn't. It has only been just recently that I made a big breakthrough! I found a pretty flabbergasting website where you can search for pretty much anyone in the UK! It is a pretty scary thing for people to not know that their details are out there and people could quite easily find them if they wanted to. In fact I'd probably say that on this website ¾ of everyone in the UK is listed there along with their addresses! And that's a from a total population of around 62 Million! My first attempt with the correct spelling of her first name and surname came up trumps! I believe I have now found where the person lives, and it was still in my area after all, and probably only a couple of miles away! The big problem I now have is what to do? How do you accidentally bump into someone knowing full well on your part that it is no accident? What about telling the truth? If I did that they would think I was weird or some kind of stalker or something? But then I think back to what my Mum told me a few years previously about this girl saying I should pop in and see her sometime! But I can hardly turn up on her doorstep can I? And I would look a right prick if she had a boyfriend and he answered! I don't even know what her situation is now! For all I know she could be married with a couple of kids! This is the real problem I have! What the flaming heck am I supposed to do now? Maybe it is already too late? Maybe it was never meant to be anyway? But what if it is meant to be and we are soul mates and I miss the boat? I've got to do something, but in a way I don't think I can, can I? What do you suggest I do? Faithfully and clueless John

[Ed]

I really don't believe in this "meant to be", "soulmate" stuff and I think many people give it too much credit and take it way too far. But, even if you do (and I'm not knocking it, it's your life), you don't have anything to worry about. What I mean is...You can't screw up "meant to be", if it is "meant to be". Can you?

 

Anyway, you are obsessed with this old schoolmate/girlfriend of yours. If you tell her all that you told us, she probably will move to another part of the UK and figure out how to get her name off that website. So enough already.

 

Keep trying to catch up with her at work. If she is not there, ask someone when she will be. For now, forget about where she lives or even the fact that you know where she lives. Let her tell you, if she wants you to know.

 

Once you get to talk to her, ask her for her phone number or if she would like to meet you out for coffee and a doughnut or whatever. You shouldn't have any problem finding something to talk about.

 

Good luck!

[John]

I really don't believe in this "meant to be", "soulmate" stuff and I think many people give it too much credit and take it way too far. But, even if you do (and I'm not knocking it, it's your life), you don't have anything to worry about. What I mean is...You can't screw up "meant to be", if it is "meant to be". Can you? Anyway, you are obsessed with this old schoolmate/girlfriend of yours.

I wouldn't say obsessed, that is something I would have been when I was about 12 or something. I would say frustrated though because I really want to meet her again.

If you tell her all that you told us, she probably will move to another part of the UK and figure out how to get her name off that website. So enough already. Keep trying to catch up with her at work. If she is not there, ask someone when she will be.

Unfortunately that is my problem, I don't know where she works now as it is a few years on, and she isn't at the same place.

For now, forget about where she lives or even the fact that you know where she lives. Let her tell you, if she wants you to know.

I already forgot about it. I just have a big problem now, what to do? I think the only option I have is waiting to bump into her by accident?

Once you get to talk to her, ask her for her phone number or if she would like to meet you out for coffee and a doughnut or whatever.

I don't have a clue how I am going to meet her, but if I ever get the chance I wont stuff it up again.

You shouldn't have any problem finding something to talk about.

We definately wont. There's over a whole missed decade to catch up on.

 

Thanks for your help

 

John