Having trouble understanding being a balanced? CaliGuy's guide to being balanced!

[kitten chick]

this is like somthing you'd find inside a fortune cookie

I once got a fortune that said "Made in the USA"

 

True story.

[alphamale]

I once got a fortune that said "Made in the USA"

True story.

i always thought it would be funny to start a company that makes more realistic or negative fortune cookie inserts. things like:

 

- the egg foo young you just ate will resurface

- man of big penis is man of little mind

- how you separate men from boy in China? With crowbar, ha hah

- your wife f*** your neighbor, go home now!

[whichwayisup]

Excellent post CG!

[blind_otter]

i always thought it would be funny to start a company that makes more realistic or negative fortune cookie inserts. things like:

 

- the egg foo young you just ate will resurface

- man of big penis is man of little mind

- how you separate men from boy in China? With crowbar, ha hah

- your wife f*** your neighbor, go home now!

 

Good idea. We'll implement this business plan with the people who belong to our cult. in tahiti.

[Lights]

Nice guys might have boundaries but don't have repercussions for crossing them.

Balanced guys have boundaries and have repercussions for crossing them.

 

I'm interested in this one--what does one do to create the repercussions you speak of?

 

For some examples, what sort of repercussions would be inflicted by your idea of a balanced man upon those who, say, stand him up for a date, or reject him rudely?

 

I once got a fortune that said "Made in the USA"

 

True story.

 

Cripes. You mean they outsourced the manufacture of fortune cookies from China to the U.S.?!

 

Just kidding--I'm aware that fortune cookies are an American invention.

[CaliGuy]

I'm interested in this one--what does one do to create the repercussions you speak of?

 

For some examples, what sort of repercussions would be inflicted by your idea of a balanced man upon those who, say, stand him up for a date, or reject him rudely?

 

For some examples, what sort of repercussions would be inflicted by your idea of a balanced man upon those who, say, stand him up for a date, or reject him rudely?

 

Let's say you set a date and she flakes. The boundary you have set in your mind if she needs to cancel a date, she will call. So, she doesn't call or show up for the date.

 

Nice guy's reaction: Calls, calls, calls desperately trying to reach her and find out why she never showed. He has a boundary (don't break the date) but doesn't respect himself enough so he calls and feels rejected. She may call with a lame excuse and he'll jump all over the chance to set another date. He'll suggest it, he'll suggest a time and wouldn't you know it, she's busy. And if she does agree to a second date and doesn't call or show, he goes through the same process. He allows his boundaries to be crossed over and over again. This, my friend, will garner no respect from any woman.

 

Balanced guy's reaction: He doesn't call. She crossed the boundary and now the repercussion is that she either calls and explains or she's done. He doesn't feel rejected, he says to himself "Hey, she messed up. Maybe she had some issue but I'll wait to hear her explanation. In the meantime, I have friends I can hang out with or I'll make a date with someone else." If she calls and has a good explanation, it's up to him to decide if he believes her or not. If he does, then he let's her suggest another date. But a balanced guys lets her suggest it, he does not bring it up.

 

Jerk's reaction: "F-her man, she's done!" regardless. She might have been in a car accident and he won't care. He'll have a little black book and be dialing numbers 5 minutes after she's supposed to show up. If she calls, he tells her to f-off, regardless of if she had a really good reason. He enforces boundaries instead of having repercussions for crossing them. In other words, he prowls his boundaries like a Lion looking for any sign they are being crossed and then pounces on the opportunity to 'go off' on her.

 

I was in this exact same scenario and with the help of LS, I started to understand what being balanced means. She flaked on the date and had a stupid excuse. I didn't believe her excuse and since she didn't offer to set another date, hey, I didn't either. I respect myself enough and am confident there are many other women out there. The last thing I would want is to be with a flakey woman. She didn't start off on the right foot and that's important to me.

 

If you respect yourself, you have repercussions for crossing boundaries and you stick to your guns. If you don't respect yourself you allow your boundaries to be crossed over and over again. She'll know she can and once she tires of having her way with you she'll move on to someone with healthy self-respect.

[CaliGuy]

I am printing that out and giving it to all my male friends. This is a hot topic amongst them..Some are jerks and others are nice guys, then I know a few or nice guys who want to be jerks or jerks who want to know how to behave as a nice guy to get more a$$(those friends don't need to read this email heheh)

 

Great post caliguy...your so on point.!!

 

Butafly, did you get any feedback from them on the post? Do they understand the jist of being balanced?

[cal gal]

I am appreciating a different perspective. I think a good explanation of a guys way of viewing things.

Thanks

[hyakku]

I agree with most of it there are only two things I really dont.

 

1. Jerks give one chance. If she cheated its one chance only, I'm not being a jerk its self respect.

 

2. Jerks could care less about approval. If I don't care about others approval that makes me a jerk? I think this is one of those traits that both Jerks and Balanced guys share, they both don't really care about others approval as long as they are doing what they feel is right.

[blind_otter]

no offense but this seems to be a self esteem thing. Like, the "balanced guy" just reacts in the way a person with healthy self esteem would....

[CaliGuy]

no offense but this seems to be a self esteem thing. Like, the "balanced guy" just reacts in the way a person with healthy self esteem would....

 

Exactly. That's what I've been saying in other threads related to nice guys or jerks. In both cases, they lack self-esteem and self-respect. If you have a healthy dose of both you'll naturally fall into balance.

[blind_otter]

ahhhh. ok. igeddit!

[cygny]

I agree with most of it there are only two things I really dont.

 

1. Jerks give one chance. If she cheated its one chance only, I'm not being a jerk its self respect.

 

2. Jerks could care less about approval. If I don't care about others approval that makes me a jerk? I think this is one of those traits that both Jerks and Balanced guys share, they both don't really care about others approval as long as they are doing what they feel is right.

 

 

I think a balanced guy will always consider his gf's feelings and incorporate them into decisions he makes. as opposed to just doing what he wants as a jerk would, or anxiously second-guessing his gf as a 'nice' guy would.

 

great thread caliguy!

[HopelessOne]

Caliguy,

 

Awesome post!!!! What I have read is very insightful and I am glad someone posted something like this. I will admit that my self esteem/confidence is VERY low now and has been for about the past 5 years... No dating... no nothing... and at 27 I am starting to think I am missing out on something and that time is running out fast. Everyone says build your confidence and self esteem but noone can say HOW? Do you have an ideas? I have read elsewhere that is what you have to do if you want to date. What also confuses me is that it is such a necessity to but then other boards will say that it is extremly difficult as well. To me this is pretty disheartning reading it is something I have to do and is so difficult...

[CaliGuy]

Buy some books on building confidence and self esteem.

Try CBT, that helps a lot (you feel how you think).

 

Realize that dating is a game of odds. The more women you talk to the better your odds at meeting someone. If you sit around at home pining about the ex you're not going to meet someone else. When you do sit at home your social skills erode and so does your confidence. Learn to take rejection in stride because you will fail a few more times before you get it right. It's no different than sales when it comes to meeting someone. Not everyone you meet is going to like you. The sooner you realize that the sooner you become more comfortable in your own skin.

 

And being comfortable with yourself and loving who you are are key ingredients to confidence, self-esteem and a sense self of worth.

[HopelessOne]

This is going to sound really ridiculous but sometimes I think I am not over me ex from 5 years ago... and I think that is what destoying me internally. I have never been a ladies man and when she pursued me I thought it was cool. But then one day she stopped talking to me after a year and a half. How can I not be over this?

[CaliGuy]

You never closed the book on her.

 

You might benefit from Counseling, have you considered that?

[HopelessOne]

Yes and No... What will I find out that I don't know already?

[CaliGuy]

Yes and No... What will I find out that I don't know already?

 

Many things you didn't know and a release for your pain.

[HopelessOne]

Well I know this for sure... I am 27 only had one girlfriend in my life... as I get older, the thought of meeting a woman my same age terrifies the **** out of me because there is the possibility that she well will be throwing out marriage stuff if the relationship is going well... I do want to get married, but not to my second girfriend ever. I want to date alot of women before I settle down with that one. I want to be sure that she is the one...Women my age are thinking weddings and biological clocks and that puts me on edge severly just thinking about the potential for it to come up... But I guess I need to learn to talk to women first and develop some game because my ex from 5 years ago has had me running on E since 2000... I don;t get it, how could a breakup affect me so greatly?

[helena abadi]

CaliGuy - your list is equally as true for nice woman - balanced woman - bitch.

 

it's all about putting YOU into your relationship.

 

for a book-length list i recommend U-Turn: Putting You Back Into Your Relationship by John Aiken.

[Raven1845]

This is awesome! It made me realize even more that my ex fit the "jerk" category, and I was happy to find out I was "balanced" and not the pushover "nice guy" or "nice girl" in my case.

 

Cool post!

[CaliGuy]

CaliGuy - your list is equally as true for nice woman - balanced woman - bitch.

 

it's all about putting YOU into your relationship.

 

for a book-length list i recommend U-Turn: Putting You Back Into Your Relationship by John Aiken.

 

I'll have to check that book out, thanks.

[Guest]

I like these rules of thumb. They are useful. I sometimes slide from nice guy to balanced to jerk...most of the time I am well balanced but when conflict arises I become a jerk and then a nice guy until i get balanced again...or so it seems...

[Pyro]

I just saw this post now. I can't believe that this has been up since late January. This is brilliant. I give you props CG.