what's going on Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 Hullo everyone, Well here I am again My boyfriend and I have actually come along way in our relationship since my last posting in NOV. It will be a year this May that we will be going out. Here is the problem - his ex simply can't let go and I don't know if she even realizes the attachement she still has to him. Some of the things she has put us through - 1)manufacturing having to see him to renew lease on car because her lease was almost up last July when in reality her lease was up in Dec (and she stated she didn't want to take her "current" boyfriend but didn't state why). 2)thinking that she had left her checks at his place(when she moved out she left some stuff) so he said we had plans and that he could meet her at this place so she could look. she ended up finding them and texting and voicemailing him she did. so my boyfriend comes over and about 1 1/2 hours later we receive text a**hole and he is confused. i told him text her back, she replies that it's because he never called her back. long and short of it she couldn't get ahold of the guy she was dating for 4 hours and freaked out - thought he was avoiding her so she texts my boyfriend in drunk frustration. He told her I was priority and a fight insued. There are quite a few other dramas but too many too list. Anyway long and short she has been manipulative and not exactly honest and forthcoming in her relationships with my girlfriends that have tried to befriend her when they broke up. She did not have any close female friends at 41 prior to this (warning Will Robinson). So she recently broke up with someone (who she has tortured and who won't talk to her now - we won't get into that) and is contacting my boyfriend stating that she was going through old pics and wanted him to know that she "loves him...as a friend" and misses him and that they don't talk anymore,etc. My question is do we think her intentions honorable? Or does she not even realize that the friendship that she is looking for is no longer to be found because even if they are "friends" again they would be platonic and not have the intimacy I think she is seeking (she is kinda needy if you got that from above). Am I being difficult not trusting her? I really don't like or need Drama Queens in my life now or ever. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 Well, I don't think you're being difficult - I think you're dead-on. Danger, Will Robinson! You're right, she's needy, and even if she didn't try to reclaim a physical relationship with him she clearly wants to be emotional number one with him, expecting him to come running when she calls. Which is totally inappropriate. So, good for your boyfriend for telling her that you come first...but she's still hanging around. Looks to me like he needs to be more direct. Why hasn't he sent her packing altogether? She sounds poisonous. Maybe it's time he found a more assertive way to send her about her business. Link to post Share on other sites
Author what's going on Posted January 31, 2006 Author Share Posted January 31, 2006 Thanks for replying Serial Muse, Sometimes you just need to know that you aren't the only one seeing something wrong with the situation at hand. My boyfriend is "learning" how to have "boundaries" and to not get walked all over. For example he did stand up for us and said I was the priority but after the fight ensued he also told her "how important her friendship" and not to be mad that their friendship meant so much to him. So he stood and kinda backed down in the same fight Whereas he could've told stood his ground and told her that she was being "unreasonable and irrational and as a friend please get a hold of yourself". So you see he enables her or empowers her a lil' bit, but he has made great strides since then(that was 7 months ago). When she emailed him "love you still...as friend" he told her that he had to let me know about anything that they may be talking about (that he would have to be able to feel comfortable repeating infront of me what they say) so that an intimancy beyond platonic friendship doesn't form. He just has to figure out that fine line between standing his grounds and not being hurtful (because he is a nice guy) and wants to do what's right. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Hm, well, I totally applaud him saying to her that whatever they talk about he will share with you. I guess I'm just wondering - what does he get out of that friendship? Why does he value it? She sounds like she's a taker, and might have been one while they were together, too. It's not clear to me why he'd be so set on maintaining that relationship, except out of guilt. I think a lot of nice guys do try to maintain friendship with exes out of a sense of guilt - but IMHO, that's walking a pretty fine line. For it to work, all 3 parties (guy, girlfriend, and ex - or even all 4 parties if the ex is dating someone) have to be on board, on the same page, and willing to cooperate. Otherwise, it's just not worth the potential hurt you cause to your current SO. And the ex is clearly not on that page. I understand that your guy wants to do what's right...but that doesn't mean he can please everyone. Sometimes the strongest stand to take is one where you do actually get off the fence and choose. Unless she's a particularly valuable friend, I'm not sure I see any reason for him to stay in contact with her when she has a habit of crossing the line and it makes you uncomfortable/unhappy. But that's just my opinion. Anyone else? Link to post Share on other sites
Author what's going on Posted February 3, 2006 Author Share Posted February 3, 2006 Hey Serial Muse, Thanks for replying - yes it's bewildering to me too what he feels he maintains out of the friendship I guess it's because he and I think differently on this subject...it's okay to give (and do the "right thing" as he puts it) but not to the point where it could harm your relationship. After having read these forums, and articles about boundaries I have come to pretty much the same conclusion as you. Yes their relationship was based on what she needed from him (he=giver, she=taker - dysfunctional yes) which is also partially why she has some issues with adjusting her perspective to becoming platonic friends. They are on good terms and she emails and I think calls but it's not enough, which means she wants/needs to be closer friends (to be more emotionally dependent)....my worry is at what point does he truly realize what's going on? I think on some surface level he realizes...he just doesn't think it's an issue cause he wouldn't go back to her so what "danger" is there? But you can't control how the other person (who has been overly emotional so far) is going to act/react..my thoughts are why endanger yourself and your relationship Link to post Share on other sites
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