in a pickle-cold feet yada yada

[ponder24]

Ok so I have posted here before and gotten some good advice on getting married. Quick story is- got engaged 1.5 yrs ago, wedding scheduled for end of May. I have been with my bf for 4+ years. I am 24 he is soon to be 26. We get along good, he is a sweet guy, I mean the world to him. Throughout the engagement, I have been more nervous than excited. I really want to be happy and excited, and I do get periods of happiness, but then this feeling of dread creeps up,,like an instictual urge, that makes me so afraid of getting married. My fiance and I never talked about getting married b4 he proposed. I never was a girl who dreamt about getting married-figured maybe it would happen to me in my late 20's, if it did. I think part of me feels like I am too young, part of me kinda wishes I had a little more "just me" time. I am in such a pickle now. We just bought a condo together and have made our 2nd mortgage payment. We are doing ok with it. But now with the wedding a step away, all the feeling of uncertainty is coming back. It won't be everyday I feel this way...but sometimes I do. Then I feel so miserable, and I don't let him in on it b/c I think it will soon all just go away, and it is such a hard topic to bring up. Soo I finnally cracked and told him how I feel a few days ago- It was so hard, and we had a couple of really rough uncomfortable moments. He was upset-caused him anxiety-confused,. We are now in the I dont know what we should do phase- he is leaving it up to me. I wish wish wish I could make up my damn mind- what the hell is wrong with me, how do you not know if you wanna be with someone!! I know I love him, I want to be with him, I just don't know if I wanna get married right now. There is a whole additional mess in that we now live together-if we called off the wedding, I dont know how it is gonna be,. I don't want to move out, I have nowhere to go. His parents are very christian, and already are giving him a hard time about us living together b4 married. It will be a mess. My bf also doesn't feel completely comfortable with us living together b4 marriage. It is just such a big decision........I know.

[sophia34]

Hi ponder24,

 

The situation you describe is VERY common--in fact, I'm probably the worst one to give advice because I'm in a similar situation. Only difference is that we haven't set the date yet! We're simply engaged and living together, and I'm not sure it's the right thing.

 

I can say, however, that you should probably look into seeing a therapist. An experienced social worker and therapist can help you talk through the situation to see if this is simply cold feet or something more.

 

Also, try to disengage from the media, those e-Harmony commercials, and every fictionally or promotionally produced message about love, marriage, and singlehood that you hear. (I am doing this, although it's VERY difficult to get those voices out of your head.) Instead, think about what you would want to do if you had never had these influences. Would you be happier with him or without him? There may be a middle ground, but given his wish that you be married, not just live together, this may be an either-or situation. A friend once told me that she married her husband because even though she was unsure it was the right decision to marry him, she presented that question to herself. Would she rather join lives with his or never see him again? She could take the idea of never seeing him again, so she married him (and has been married to him for 15 years) and she's happy with her decision.

 

Finally, I know it's practically impossible to separate the pressure of having a planned (and paid for) wedding in the balance. Invitations, expectations. No wonder the "Runaway Bride" ran, when you think about it. There's no way to remove that pressure permanently, but try to remove that pressure temporarily--for a few minutes, or an hour. If there were no expectations, if no one would care whether you went through with the wedding or not, if the money weren't an issue, what do you want to do? Would you prefer to walk away, leave, and live a single life without him? Or does that thought make you sadder than the thought of the marriage?

 

It sounds like you love him AND you love your single life. The question is, when you imagine your life both ways, five years from now, which one do you love MORE.

 

These are some questions to try asking yourself, alone or with a therapist. I haven't completely answered them for myself, but I'm getting there.

[sophia34]

Meant to say she COULDN'T take the idea of never seeing him again in the above post....sorry to be confusing!

[ponder 24]

Sophia-

Thank you for your response. I love hearing from someone who knows where I may be coming from. I have definetly, as hard as it is, tried to remove the "pressures" of getting married, especially the ones coming from what will his family say...what will everyone say. I don't care what people will say,,,this is my life and I am the one who will be affected by my choices. It feels good not worrying about what others will think.

 

That aside, I have been talking to people finnaly about this,,,not just online(which thank god I found, b-c I needed it) I have kept it to myself for this entire engagement....just thinking it will go away....or I will wake up and feel different, or how could I talk about this with him,,,, The feelings never fully went away,,,and the creeping up of em was driving me literally crazy.

 

Besides the effect is has had on our relationship and the way I have treated him- cold at many times, and not honest with him when he senses something is truly bothering me. I have spoken to girls at work who know me,,,,it is so comforting to hear many of them say they felt the same way I did when they were getting married.

 

The two of them went through with it-one is divorced, one is married; not sure if happily however. This problem occurs for many I think. I just was previously seeing all the women,,,who just know he's the one,,,and I can't wait to be married,,,and it was just making me feel like I was sooo off from what I should be feeling. I also told my mom,,,who I don't share my inner feelings that often with. I think I am a very well rounded likeable attractive confident person.

 

However, I do believe some of my insecurities, uncertainties, have somewhat developed from my mom. I am not blaming the way I am, on her,,but I feel like some things from my childhood,,are starting to affect my life now. I had a great childhood dont get me wrong,,,,my mom was just very protective,,,,she raised my brother and I as Jehovah witnesses(dont know if you know what they are) a religion that is very protective,,,no outside association, no holidays, birthdays, patriotism, allowed.

 

My father was not this religion,,,this was hard as a child. It was hard not being allowed to do what other kids did. When I got older,,,I stopped participating in it. My mother no longer does either ironically. But just imagine never having a birthday,,no christmas with the family,,no trick or treat,,,not being able to hang out with friends, dances, just restricted.

 

I felt like my mom made my decisions,,,I had no say in a lot,,,and when I fought it all in my teens,,I was a "bad kid" I was never really bad trust me! To top it off my mother had depression-anxiety pretty bad,,,,the worst when I was like 10-14 yrs old...heard and saw some really sad things. She still battles with it today. Sorry to get sidetracted,,but I think maybe these childhood feelings creep into my indeciesiveness and anxiety. Worrying about money, she does that a lot..I I often worry that he will never have a great career,,and I will be always be the breadwinner...will I be happy with this,,should it matter if I really loved him???..I don't want to be like her,,yet I worry like she does somewhat,,,,and have a hard time making up my OWN mind,,in a lot of things,..and getting married is one of them that happens to be huge!

 

Maybe I am wrong,,but I think your childhood really affects who you are today. I am sure too a lot of it is just stemming from me too,,,,the fact that I was never really single,,,only really been with 3 guys ever in my life,,,,wonder what it would be like to be single,,but don't want to lose him,,,could I possibly develop myself better alone,figure out what it is I want....or would I be miserable without him,,,.you know all that stuff.

So after talking to my mom,,,,it actually was nice,,she said things I needed to hear...I feel better.

 

It feels good just knowing now this is not my big secret,,it is ok to tell people,,,they shockingly can relate! So I may just pack my things for a week and try living at with the parents,,, with little contact with my fiance,,,my mom says it will clear my mind,,,it may be easier to figure myself out without living with him. He is totally fine with it....he is great in that aspect. I just want to be happy. Who doesn't??

[Brandi Renee]

 

This is exactly the way I feel too !!!!!!!!!

 

So glad I read this. I am 28, he is 36, been together 4 years, living almost two, bought the house bla bla.

 

So we are supposed to be married in August. Its scary.

 

#1 we work self employed togheter, so allot of times I hate him because he can be really insensitive with the way he says things. Like he talks to me way different then he would talk to a co-worker at a company. Also, he can be a real dumbie sometimes and this bothers me. I am considering heavily getting a laptop and working out of star bucks a few days a week jsut to get the hell out of the house since I am strapped to this place and not be annoyed with him. More like some social interaction with the world outside of our house and computers.

 

#2 I fantasize frequently about what it would be like to have my own place and be single again. Like my friends and all thier hot dates. BUT , I also remember how terribly I wanted to share my life with someone and get the whole nine yards going on too when I was single and owned my own house. I remember hating the dating scene because you are on an emotional rollercoaster, on cloud 9, then thrown off cloud 9.

 

#3 I miss the bang bang bang sex , the sex 5 times a week, and the butterflies I would get when I see him. I think working togehter has a HUGE part to do with this. Right?

 

#4 I watch all those commercials , eharmony and all those love weddings shows where the future husband is telling the camera how much this was the one and he knew it and bla bla. I see those Lance Romance guys and I watch that show Meet the Parkers and he seems so romantic to her , bla bla. This stuff makes me question myslef. ya know.

 

He can be romantic, loving and sexual , its not 24/7 though. I dont know, I am confused.

 

I would like to go away for like two weeks on a lavish vacation with my b-frieind. I like, need a break. Is that normal??

 

I almost wish he would stop working with me and go get a job back in the corporate world. Or better yet, I dont have to work and I can do whatever. What ever happend to those days? That is how my mom had it.

[Brandi Renee]

Would you say that I am having a case of cold feet?

[bab]

Brandi--

I don't think you've got cold feet, just way way way to much together time. I think buying the laptop and having your own time would greatly benefit you. If two people are honestly excited about being together every single second of the day, they are:

a) still in the newness stage, and it will wear off or

b) unreasonably codependent on each other.

 

I've gotta admit that I miss the bang bang bang sex too. That adrenaline rush when they brush up against you? So hot...But, that's all it is, an adrenalline rush. A real relationship and love are so much more important, and if you really think about it, more satisfying.

 

The thing about those eharmony and other romance type shows, they are looking at marriage through rose colored glasses. Do you have any grandparents that are still married, or just know any older couples that are married? That's romance. Now, go talk to them. Ask them what they think marriage is all about. Be brutally honest about how you feel, and ask their opinion. I'm guessing their marriages didn't last over 40 years because he remembered to bring her flowers.

 

I certainly have those moments when I'm like, "OMG, am I really gonna do this???", and I don't feel bad about them. This is a HUGE decision, and like ponder, I have trouble making decisions, and second guess everything. So, it only makes sense that we spend time agonizing over the decision. I'm definitely at the point that I'm sure I'm making the right one. I hope that you can come to a decision for yourself. Good luck!!