OMG I'm obsessed with his ex!

[luckygirlEMU]

Please help me... I'm obsessed with my boyfriend's ex.

 

I met my boyfriend over the summer. He had been in a few committed relationships and had broken up with the last girl, Grace, about six months before we met. I had a pretty crappy living situation when we started dating-- I had signed a lease to live with my ex bf when we were still dating and I had to live with him even though we had broken up before we moved in together. So when I started dating my current boyfriend I was hanging out at his place (with his encouragement) almost exclusively.

 

Now this girl Grace broke his heart. They were together for a couple of years and even lived together in the apartment where he still lives. She ended up sleeping with a married professor (her teacher at the time!) and leaving my boyfriend for the prof. My bf could have told our university about their inappropriate relationship and busted them both, but he did not.

 

When we were in the beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend would always talk about her and compare me to her. He would say, "Grace would never do this for me. She was so selfish, I hate her." etc, etc. This felt good at first, but then I started wondering why she was on his mind so much. As I started being at his apartment more and more, I would do some cleaning for him and some cooking. I ended up finding a TON of her stuff that she left after she moved, like necklaces, shampoo bottles still in the shower, hair bleach, self-tanner, all her school work, nasty old makeup, stuffed animals he gave her, and even a pair of hideous underwear. This is when I truly realized how much it bothered me that she used to live here.

 

I also found a notebook with some love letters in it that he wrote her after she left him but he had never given her. They were all begging for her to come back to him. It mentioned them having "hot and wild sex" in the woods near his uncle's house. This really bothered me because I visited his uncle's house for the first time last week and all I could think about was them having sex in the woods. In the letter, he also calls her "princess" and says he's so proud when they walk down the street together. These are the very same things he says to me, so I freaked. I won't let him call me princess, and I hate when he says how proud he is-- HE SAID THAT STUFF TO HER! I began being REALLY obsessive, like searching her name on google, and on myspace, and found her University website. I looked at her pics on her site, made relentless fun of them, and then showed them to all my friends so they could make fun of her too. Which they did, relentlessly, and I liked it.

 

I began feeling haunted in the apartment. When I go to sleep, I think about how they had sex in the bed that I sleep in. When I shower, I think about them showering together. I get ready in the mirror where she used to get ready, and cook in the oven where she used to cook. It's driving me NUTS. I have even gone as far as to ask my boyfriend to move us before the lease is up because I'm losing my mind.

 

We never fight about anything but this, and the one major fight we have had was a result of him calling me Grace, which I never let him live down.

 

This all culminated last night when he called me "mama". He had this thing with Grace where they called each other mama and daddy, which I learned in the love letters. I flipped out and wouldn't speak to him for the rest of the night. I then realized that there's a serious chance that I need advice.

 

I know I'm being stupid. He talks about wanting to marry me every single day, and says he never talked to her about it because deep down he knew it wouldn't work out. I know he loves me more than he ever loved her, and that I'm certainly more attractive than her. His mother and sister always have not-so-nice things to say about her, and his grandmother refers to her as "the pig". The women in his life tell me how much better I am than her all the time, and tell me how much they love me and can't wait for us to get married.

 

Why do I do this when I know better? Do I need to move before it will stop? How can I control my obsessive thoughts that I know are hurtful to me AND to my relationship? Please help!

[filarena]

Well, the way you are handling your frustration may not be best, but I think I have to say you might have reason to be upset. Calling you princess and telling you he's proud could just indicate that he lacks creativity, but calling you Grace, saving old love letters, and some of the rest make it look like he's not over her. You need to tell him how you feel and that you don't think he's really over her, and that you need him to be if you're going to be talking marriage. If he really isn't over her but is trying to get over her, I say give him a chance. But you need him to acknowledge that you aren't overreacting and show some willingness to improve.

[luckygirlEMU]

Thanks, filarena, that definitely helps me realize that even though my obsession isn't normal or appropriate, at least it's warranted. I do have to say that this situation has been the topic of conversation before, and he swears he IS over her and having stuff around the apartment and the letters were merely his laziness for not throwing it out. He promises that he's over her and the relationship, and I have to say that I'm the one who brings her up and asks him questions incessantly.

 

I have recognized that he isn't the one perpetuating my obsession-- I am. And I thank you for your advice-- I will try to find better ways to let out my frustration that won't jeopardize my relationship. I just have to figure out how to stop thinking about her....

[Candied-Heart]

Wow. So much of that I identify with. Not so much the obsession but some of the thoughts you've had. I actually was grinning all the way through it. [ That's not to be taken offensively!! ] Esp. the google reference!

 

Filarena is right. When you approach him about the Ex and whether he's over her fully, do so in a neutral way as to suggest that if he isn't quite over her it's ok and that you'll have to back off slightly and see how things go. [it can take different people different amounts of time]

 

he swears he IS over her and having stuff around the apartment and the letters were merely his laziness for not throwing it out

 

Has he since thrown them out? If he IS over her, he should just throw them away to ease your relationship a little. I can understand keeping some things. It's not so much about the person who gave it to you, but the stage of your life you were in. I like to see how I've grown.

 

IE - I have still got a shoebox with past loves letters and cards inside because I feel it is a nice thing to remember how someone thought of you once, and what you shared. My BF agrees that it represents something nice about me and has some things in his house too, and whilst it used to bother me, I realised I was being a little bit of a hypocrite

 

Just keep remembering he has chosen to stay with you.

You are obviously better than her.

Just take it a step at a time.

Refrain from talking about her to him. If you can't help it, do it here on LS rather than cause unnecessary argument with the BF.

 

One day you'll notice she doesn't bother you so much anymore, it just takes time!

[turningsoft]

I was in a similar situation and found that the more I talked about it to my friends and on here, the more it would eat away at me. Because friends and us on here want to validate you, sometimes it just can make you feel more and more mad and powerless, especially cuz it seems like moving will fix it.

Hopefully he agrees to do a good housecleaning of all the old reminders.

My ex told me he once accidentally called his new GF my name! Absolute DOOM! It had nothing to do with our feelings-we didn't have any by that point, just that we were together for sooo long it was like saying dude or man. So don't take that the wrong way even though it does suck.

It is tough now, but it will come to an end soon when the lease is up, than a freah start.

Hang in there and try to let it go- as hard as it can be. You are in good with the fam that is cool.

Goodluck and try to trust him if there has been no deception.

[J.R]

give him an ultimatum and if he doesnt do anything leave his ass!

[luckygirlEMU]

I guess I should have mentioned before that when I told him that I was very upset about finding her old belongings around the apartment, he spent the whole next day gutting out his closet and throwing out everything that was hers, including the love letters and anything that was questionable. He is so supportive and tries his hardest not to get irritated with me and my ridiculous assumptions. He has never cheated or even looked at another woman.

 

I am finding that venting here is helping me stay on track with realizing what's relevent and what's not. I made a vow to myself that I wouldn't talk to him about her unless there was a seriously good reason, and so far, I haven't.

 

I guess it's just knowing that she had him before me and for so long that bothers me and that she used to live here. I really think that when we move in July that it will be a brand new beginning for us and I will be able to totally heal.

 

You're right, I'm finding that she's bothering me less and less, and this forum is really helping me channel positive thoughts. Thanks for all your help!

[Raiatea]

I know that you have just replied to my thread ("I'm making a mess of my relationship") but I have a similar story about past letters and belongings.

 

I suspected my man of cheating so I went through all his paperwork and personal stuff stored in an old suitcase (this had a combination lock on, and I spent a couple of hours going through all the numbers to get the combination...I was seriously obsessed!). In there I found loads of old letters and photos, and old valentines cards. These items caused me so much distress and panic that I was very ill for a few hours afterwards. I wanted to know why he had kept them when he knew i was coming to live with him. Did he not love me as much as these people?

 

I know that I did wrong in going through his stuff, god knows that I have things that if he found would really cause problems. But then I realised laziness was a factor in him keeping these letters. In the same suitcase I found receipts from a car wash from 2003, a tv guide from 2001 and movie ticket stubs from when he went by himself to see Harry Potter (hmmm, maybe that is worrying!)

 

I can't tell him that I saw these things or else he would know that I have been checking up on him. I was tempted to throw away these letters and photos, but then I realised that some letters were from his first girlfriend almost 15 years ago. I didn't have the heart to throw them away. He will have to make that decision.

 

At least your man is making an effort to make you happy. I wish all men were like that!