She Loves Me and Wants to Marry but wants 3 Months of Wild Time out with the Girls

[WindDrifter]

Well ... here I go again. I have mentioned a lot before but just for a run down.

 

We had been going out for about 2 1/2 years. Every 3-4months like clockwork she doesn't know if she wants to be with me or not. This last a couple days then we get back together. Well this time she broke it off. It has been 5 weeks we have been chatting once or twice a week. Meeting up once on weekends and spending the whole day together. Last weekend we went to a concert so we ended up spending the weekend together. We have been having sex which has been amazing. Better than ever. I guess I felt like things were getting on track again. During the time off we both realised we need to work on things ourselves. Like inner demons that we hadn't dealt with. I have been amazed how much I found out about myself. I have found it really positive.

 

BUT.....

 

The main thing is that I don't want to be with anyone. I don't want to kiss anyone and I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just can't. When I am in love I cannot bring myself to kiss someone or sleep with someone else. Yet she feels that she doesn't want to sleep with anyone but might want to kiss other people when she goes out. She hasn't yet because she knows that she might lose me for good.

 

She doesn't think kissing is a big deal on the other hand I do. I am scared that if you can say you love me and kiss someone else what stops you when we are married? To me I make those marriage vows when I date someone. To her when you get married then thats when it all begins. Being together is based on Love and Trust. How can I trust someone who loves me and kisses other guys.

 

I have tried to be really supportive and give her space and tell her look you need this time just do what you need to do. I told her I can't guarantee how I will feel or react as I have never been in this situation but if I am stopping her from getting "THIS STAGE" out of her system she might just want to do it again when we are married.

 

We told each other that we would tell each other if we wanted to kiss someone else before it happened. Last night she told me she has been thinking about kissing someone else. Ie. what would it mean? Why does she? Why doesn't she? What would happened to us?. i got really scared about this.

 

To make things even more confusing she then says things like ahh I saw your baby photos and if we have a boy who looks like you I would be the happiest mom in the world.

 

She says she is 99% sure she wants to be with me but wants to go back to being single and having fun with her girlfriends for one last time (over 3 months).

 

I don't have a problem with her going out with her girlfriends and having time to work on her problems but to go out kissing guys and then still saying I love you to me is just a kick in the face. She also says that if we didn't see each other for 2 weeks it would be easier for her to kiss someone else. Just to fill in? WTF?

She then also says do you want me to tell you everytime I kiss someone else? This coming from a girl who hasn't decided on whether she wants to kiss someone else or not!

 

She also says a lot of her girlfriends have gone through this and got back together and its normal. AHHH!!!

 

I guess it comes down to the fact she WANTS to kiss someone else and I DON't want to. She ISN't ready to settle down and I AM ready!

 

So what do I do now...

For me I would love to just say we thats it. Don't call me until you want to get back together. If I am not with someone then we will see how it goes. but what I am afraid of is that this will give her the excuse to then sleep with someone else and do more than kissing.

 

If I stick around maybe kissing is as bad as it will get.

Saying that if I stick around I can't love her when I know she has been kissing someone else. The sight of her would make me sick.

Should I tell her how it would kill me to think of her lips touching anothers otherwise will this alter what she might do and this will happen all over again.

 

We are meeting up tonight to go to some talk and since she felt we were getting into a couple again we have decided not to meet up on Thursday and just on Sat or Sunday.

 

I just don't think I would be able to chat to her and be nice if she kissed someone else. By not being able to do this she said it would be over for good. She would have to see me or talk to me.

 

Am I placing too much in a kiss.

 

Am I just jealous as well. Even if we agree to kiss others I don't know many people her and don't go out clubbing that much be she goes out every weekend and always gets guys trying to hook up. Do I keep a tally?

 

Lastly I would just feel like the lowest piece of crap in the world if she went out with her gf kissed all these guys in front of them and then we get back together. I would just feel so used. I don't think I could live with it.

 

Maybe this is a case of bad timing? I don't know.

 

Any advice? I need help? We are meeting up tonight? What should I do What should I say?

 

I am thinking about asking her about the "Should I tell you about when I kiss other guys" becuase that means she wants to kiss others which she isn't telling me now. She says she doesn't know. But i think she does.

Also whats with the whole "Fill In" whats that?

 

Thanks all sorry for the essay!

WD

[gfto]

Whoa. This girl is blowing some serious smoke at you! You want to marry this girl?! Yikes. I'd be cutting off contact and meeting some new prospects.

[WindDrifter]

But I love her so much and I really do believe we are meant to be together.

 

Should I just throw all of that away?

[UT_longhorn]

WindDrifter...

 

You should read your post but try to read it from a 3rd person point of view. Pretend its your best friend who just wrote what you wrote.

 

I have tried to be really supportive and give her space and tell her look you need this time just do what you need to do. I told her I can't guarantee how I will feel or react as I have never been in this situation but if I am stopping her from getting "THIS STAGE" out of her system she might just want to do it again when we are married.

 

you're supporting her decision to go out and fool around with other guys? i mean, there are some things that you do like give a woman space, but thats just rediculous.

 

its not some "STAGE" if she does it like clockwork. She knows you're always gonna be there no matter what. Even if she has sex with other dudes I bet you would be willing ot work things out. Come on man. You got to have more self respect than that.

 

I know its ultra ultra hard, but you really should logically re evaluate youre relationship with her. Or else, you're just going to be in a hurting ride for a long long while.

 

Take a stand. Say if you want to do that...go ahead. I'm not waiting for you..and TAKE A STAND MAN. You can do it. And she will respect you 100% more for that than if you sit back and let her go through her "STAGE".

[WindDrifter]

So UT you reakon I should tell her look if you do this and kiss other guys it is over I don't want to talk to you or be with you. I am moving on.

 

I guess I just have to be honest.

 

Let her know that she will lose me. If she wants to kiss other guys and risk losing what we have then it is up to her. Even if that means she doesn't get through this stage and we get back together and then she feels like this again?

 

Thats the risk I take i suppose?

 

Cheers,

WD

 

ps. I guess I can still be with her and chat to her and hang out until the say she kisses someone else. Then I will be gone. On the other hand would you give up a few kisses for spending the rest of your life with someone? I guess if I did I would never be able to trust her again and never enjoy the rest of my life. Guess that answers that question. I wish a kiss didn't matter but to me it does.

[Art_Critic]

But I love her so much and I really do believe we are meant to be together.

 

But she doesn't feel the same way.. She doesn't love you the way you love her.

Anybody that loves another would not ask or try the things she is doing..

 

If I were you and you really do love her then I would kick her to the curb. Move on and give her what she wants..

But you need to totally walk away and not be there for her..NC.. then you might see her come to you after she sees what the world really is like out there.

 

See.. when a girl says they want time with the girls that really translates to she wants to bang other guys.. that is the truth.. you don't have her to begin with so why try and keep her ?

[UT_longhorn]

im giving you this advice because i wish i had it before my ex broke up with me. hindsight is always 20/20.

 

i would suggest you tell her, if you are not sure about us...go ahead and do what you want to do. but i am moving on. i can't stay with a girl that is unsure of being with me. tell her you need some space (because you really do man..to re evaluate your relationship).

 

you have do regain some dominance in the relationship. you have lost your leverage. she doesnt respect you because you let her do what ever she wants. dont call her. if she calls you, keep things short and tell her you have to go. if she wants to come by, tell her not today. maybe later. you might think that these things will driver her away, but these actions will draw her to you further. its all a power play man. when one person is too head deep, the other person heads the other way.

[Roarz]

It matters man. Sure, you have to compromise on certain things in a relationship, but infidelity is one thing you do not allow. Do you want to be married to someone that always has a large chance of cheating (if she doesn't get her way right now/or even if she does, who's to say she won't do it again), or someone that loves you enough to know for a fact that there is no one better in the world than you and would never entertain the thought for a second? Just lay it all out man, she is either exclusive with you or that's it for good.

 

I was (still am maybe) a super nice guy like you and even after my gf broke up with me I supported her when the guy she pretty much left me for broke up with her days later. That was the stupidest thing I've ever done and I feel like I have made up for it by finally growing a spine and telling her to **** off. And even though she treated me badly afterwards, I still have in the back of my mind that we are perfect for each other, ect. Until you find someone else you feel like that about, that's how it will be in your heart (although now I am trusting my brain over my heart, which is what has kept me from contact/begging). You gotta get yourself a spine too man, don't let a woman walk all over you. Because I gauruntee you that if you allow her to do this and then marry her, you will feel miserable for the rest of your life, knowing that a woman only married you for security, not love. I have inner peace for finally standing up for myself. You will never have that if you let this go on and still continue to marry her.

[WindDrifter]

But you need to totally walk away and not be there for her..NC.. then you might see her come to you after she sees what the world really is like out there.

 

ArtCritic - She said if I didn't this then it would definitely be over? Should I take the risk. She tells me she loves me and I believe her. I am a trusting guy. I think we just met to earlier and she just wants to make sure.

 

you have do regain some dominance in the relationship. you have lost your leverage. she doesnt respect you because you let her do what ever she wants. dont call her. if she calls you, keep things short and tell her you have to go. if she wants to come by, tell her not today. maybe later. you might think that these things will driver her away, but these actions will draw her to you further. its all a power play man. when one person is too head deep, the other person heads the other way.

 

UT - So should I let her call me or meet up with me? If we don't get on then maybe she will fall out of love for me?

 

Okay guys thanks for your posts.

 

I am thinking I will lay out how I feel about her kissing other guys. I don't care how she feels about it but this is how I feel.

 

Now should I let her see me once a week or let her call me?

 

We are meant to be going to this church thing tonight. I called her last night to make sure I can get a lift as my car is in for repairs. She said I was naughty for calling. We ended up chatting like always she said she missed me and was excited when I texted, she replied , then I called. i sent her a txt when going to bed "Why does love have to hurt so much" she then tried to call me this morning. She had her phone off at night often does. She then sent me a txt saying "Hey Numy (our nick name) I just got your message thjios morning and that why I called you. I promise I love you. Please believe me" she then called again about 10minutes ago. I didn't answer. She sent me another text "Did you call before I got a missed call from a private number. If your ignoring me I understand but please just tell me thats what your doing". I haven't replied yet. But what should I do?

 

Should I go to this thing with her?

 

Should I be with her like nothings happened until she kissing someone else and then bolt?

 

Help Me guys! Thanks for all the previous posts!

WD

 

p.s. I know she wouldn't sleep with anyone I am 100% sure of that unless we really broke all contact then I just don't know. The kissing thing I think she would definitely.

[Art_Critic]

ArtCritic - She said if I didn't this then it would definitely be over? Should I take the risk. She tells me she loves me and I believe her. I am a trusting guy. I think we just met to earlier and she just wants to make sure.

 

That isn't love.. love you don't give ultimatums.

 

You already have lost her.. Walk away and tell her to pack it.. She just wants your okay to go bang other guys.. don't give it her.

 

What do you think she would tell you if the roles were reversed ?

You don't have to tell me I already know the answer

[WindDrifter]

AC - She doesn't want to bang other just maybe kiss other when out with her girlfriends like when she was younger. I know she doesn't want to bang them. Maybe I should say fine but then I don't want anything to do with you from that point until you think you may be ready. I won't be waiting around.

 

Should I reply to her text messages?

[Art_Critic]

AC - She doesn't want to bang other just maybe kiss other when out with her girlfriends like when she was younger. I know she doesn't want to bang them. Maybe I should say fine but then I don't want anything to do with you from that point until you think you may be ready. I won't be waiting around.

 

Should I reply to her text messages?

 

Okay.. she wants your okay to go kiss and possibly bang other guys..

 

Kissing is the beginning...

 

What do you think she would say to you if the roles were reversed ?

[WindDrifter]

She said she would be able to forgive me if I kissed another girl? As long as she wasn't as pretty as her? WTF????

 

She doesn't think kissing is that big of a deal she used to go out when she was young and just kiss guys for fun. Nothing serious. I on the other hand believe is it quite serious. She has often had guys try to pick her up when she has gone out while we were together but always turned them away.

 

Now I don't know. Since we are broken up this now gives her the option even thought she still loves me?

 

WD

[Art_Critic]

are you having trouble seeing how terrible her thinking is ?

 

I know it is tough man but like UI said earlier you have already lost her.. she wants your okay to cheat on you.. don't give it to her..

 

She wants to be guilt free

 

Dump her for good or at least her No you will not agree to her " Deal " and let her make the decision to dump you..

 

You are failing to see that in the end she will dump you for good no matter what you do..

[WindDrifter]

How should I treat her should I reply to her Txt like above or just wait? Should I play games? I hate playing games and I can't hide how much I love her and she doesn't hide it either! Should I stop seeing her? Should I just tell her this is my limit. I don't mind us caring on but this is where I stop.

[UT_longhorn]

WindDrifter...

 

Don't go to the church thing with her. Tell her that you can 't make it. Contact with her is not good.

 

Don't play the phone tag games. If she calls, tell her you need some time to think to yourself and that you'd appreciate it if she wouldn't call so much.

 

If she asks if you're ignoring her, tell her no, but that you need some time to think yourself and that her texting you is not helping that.

 

You have to be the strong one here. Make her wonder what you're doing. Make her unsure of what youre thinking. Make her unsure of how youre feeling. Cause thats exactly what she's done to you and where is the balance of power now?

[WindDrifter]

UT

 

Should I not tell her how I feel about the whole kissing others?

 

If I tell her not to contact me when should I contact her?

 

Should I text?

 

Thanks UT

[UT_longhorn]

you can tell her about how you feel about the kissing other guys thing whenever the opportunity arises.

 

you shouldn't text nor should you call until you have a better grasp of your emotions and a clearer picture of what it is that you REALLY want.

 

I would really just treat it as a break/break up. i wouldn't say i would put any sort of time frame on it. Take yourself out of the situation you're in. Take some of the power back because it is really up to you. During your time apart...start building up your confidence and your ability to put your foot down. Focus on yourself...your quarilties, and reflect on how she has been torwards you and how you have let her be that way torwards you.

 

Definately not an easy thing to do, but if you let her walk over you..she's gone.

 

But really really honestly ask yourself this question - "Do you REALLY REALLY want this relationship to work out...or do you want her because you don't want to go through the hurt and the lonliness." Because I'll tell you this now...you have to make sure you do it for the right reasons.

[WindDrifter]

UT - I just spoke to my mom and she is saying send a txt message saying I don't want to see her tonight, I don't want her to txt me and I don't want her to call me. Essentailly NO Contact. If she calls I ignore it if she txts I ignore it. The only way she can see me is to physically come and see me.

 

I am thinking this is the hardest thing I can do but it is the ultimate test.

 

She really does have her freedom.

 

As much as I would like to tell her how I feel about the whole kissing guys thing I am not. She know how I feel about it.

 

Also we have already been broken up according to her for a month but now I think we are just about to start.

 

What do you guys think?

 

FYI - I REALLY REALLY WANT HER AND NO ONE ELSE! I WANT HER TO BE THE LAST PERSON I KISS UNTIL I DIE! The time we have had apart has told me this.

[UT_longhorn]

one thing i learned from my break up is that mom's do have great advice and i think your mom is no exception.

 

if you are technically already broken up...then definately...NO CONTACT. And if she does contact you tell her...do not contact me if you respect me.

[WindDrifter]

Well this is what I have done.

 

Sent her a text message:

"I am not ignoring you I just need time to think. I am not going to come tonight. Apologise to Tindi for me."

 

She replied:

"Ok Ill apologise to him. I hope your ok even though I know your porbably not and im sure your very confused. Take the time you need. I won't call you. Call me anytime and just let me know when you are ready to talk. I love you. X"

 

Now I didn't tell her not to call me or text me like my mom said but it looks like this is what she wanted to do anyway. I guess this is what she wanted all along.

 

I wish I could reply saying I hope you are enjoying what you finally have.

 

What do you think I should do guys?

 

Just leave it until she contacts me again? What if she texts should I reply? What is she phones? Should I reply? What if she doesn't? (More than likely)

 

Thanks WD

[WindDrifter]

I wish I could tell her well this is what you wanted. I am not causing this break you are! Don't think this is what I want! You want his break!

 

I feel like she is getting what she wants again! She is getting me to cause space and distance which will give her the opportunity to be with other guys.

 

Can't I text her and say "Look you wanted this so live with it. i don't want to speak to you or hear from you." Enjoy your time alone.

 

I want to tell her you are about to risk everything we have. Do you know this. I hope it is worth it.

 

WD

[UT_longhorn]

thats it.

 

no contact from here on. no more messages to her. ignore her contacts. you asked for space and she agreed.

 

from this point on...you have to work on yourself. no more contact man. shes given you her answer. does her message even seemed like she cared about it....nope.

 

now its your job to be strong from this point. its gonna be hard. real hard...but i promise..it will get better and you will learn alot from this experience. accept the fact that she's moving on.

 

do not send any thing to her. do not call her. anything that reminds you of her....put them away where you cant get to it.

 

now its time to fight. think of yourself as a warrior in battle...one of the toughest emotional battles of your life. but when you come out victorious...you will be rewarded. i guarantee.

[WindDrifter]

UT

 

Can't I tell her this is what she wanted and now has it.

 

I hate her getting everything she wants!

 

I want her to know that this is her choice not mine. I don't want her to be able to blame me for the breakup. Before it was her fault and now it is mine. She will use this to not feel guilty i want her to feel guilty.

 

So thats it no contact. Until when? Until she physically pops by?

 

WD

 

ps. She will be telling all her family and friends ahh I want to talk but he needs time which is a load of bull and make me so angry!

[UT_longhorn]

no...because you want to send that to her to get a response from her saying.."no this is not what i want".

 

but you're not. shes going to say..im sorry..but i have to do this.

 

here's what i know...if you wanted to really be with someone...you would do everything in your power to be with them. do u think thats how she's being. be logical. she doesn't even really care if you guys don't talk. by you texting or calling her....it only makes it easier for her to move on.

 

with no contact...it will help you heal. you will keep your self respect. this is the only way that she will actually get to miss you. you must come to terms with this. and think this way wind...if you guys are really meant to be...what is a few weeks/months apart. even years right? if you really truly loved this girl, you would want her happiness ... right? let her have it. let her do what she has to in order to be happy. if its not with you...then so be it.

 

i know its really tough to hear what i say...and its easier to dish out this advice cause im not in your position...but trust me...4 weeks ago...i was exactly in your shoes. hurting beyond my senses and belief. and even though it hurts now...it is better. and keeps only getting better.

 

stay strong brother.