She Loves Me and Wants to Marry but wants 3 Months of Wild Time out with the Girls

[WindDrifter]

UT

 

I guess I am on day 1... long road ahead.

 

Last question. This no contact. How long does it go on for? If I continually regect her call and her messages and then she finally come over physically what do I do? Do I talk to her? Do I tell her to go away?

 

When will I know we are meant to be. When she comes round and tells me she wants to marry me?

 

Cheers,

WD

[UT_longhorn]

here's one thing i think you should do wind. there are hundreds of stories similar to yours on this site.

 

take your time to read the stories. you'll see how things usually turn out. the ex almost always calls back...or contacts back...giving the dumpee hopes of reconciliation. and when the dumpee thinks that there is a second chance, the dumper leaves again leaving the dumpee all the way at day one.

 

read the stories. it'll give you perpective.

 

if she really really wants you back...she will plead to be with you. BUT...if she does do this and you have not made any changes...then i guarantee that she'll do the same thing right over agian.

 

This time of no contact...really really think of what has been going on. Have you put her on a pedastal do anything for her? lie back while she gets her way with everything? have not put your feet down and fight for your beliefs? does it sound familiar? don't worry...many of us have done the same including me. so really think about whats gone on in the relationship. really reflect. and really really reflect on how she has treated you in your relationship.

 

keep reading. keep posting.

[WindDrifter]

The thing is I think there is still hope for us. She hasn't kissed anyone yet she hasn't cheated on me. We love each other. She is just confused. I wish we could talk about it. We have so much fun together. She loves meeting up with me. We have had sex on the 2 previous occasions when we meet up. At the end she is always asking herself why is she doing this? She is just confused. Am I really ending something that may still happen. She says she still loves me.

 

Through out our relationship she normally gets what she wants as I generally give in. I only standup when she is rude to me. If she is rude to me then I won't tolerate it otherwise she gets what she wants. We do compromise alot. We always talk things through. I am worried that this NC will mean we can't talk thing through anymore. I wanted to ask her so many questions tonight. I wanted so many answers.

 

Am I really killing something that is still alive. She even said if we had no contact that would be it. No hope of getting back together. Is this wise?

 

She even told me that she was going to give me back the ring. )A ring she got me I told her give it to me when you are ready) She said she was so close but she wasn't 100% sure she wanted to be with me. Only 99%. She needs this time.

 

By NC am I just killing something with some chance but if I stick around and see if she does need to kiss someone else then I can make a decision. Why do it now when she hasn't. She might not need to kiss others.

 

WD

[UT_longhorn]

look. NC will not kill the relationship. you contacting her will. she wants her space and freedom. that 99% talk - is her way of saying..im not sure if you are the one for me.

 

think hard about this...why would a woman need to kiss another man to be 100% about you? what is the logic in that? for her to even want to think about kissing another man is telling you that shes not that into you. and for her to even say that to you???????? give me a break? i would have told her...go kiss all the other men you want...but while you are..ill be moving on.

 

hey man. this is really about self respect and your heart. you must respect yourself...and you also must heal yourself.

 

and her saying..if there is not contact it is over...its a hollow threat man. can't you see she's using contact so she can parachute down easily and break things off with you while she keeps you in turmoil?

 

i am by no means an expert in any realtionship area wind and to solely listen to my advice would be foolish on your part. but what i am asking you to do is really read the stories on the site. see what happend to the people. see the outcomes...and you decide whats best for you as you know your own situation the best. i can only tell you what i learned.

[Tangerina]

If you stick around and involve yourself in her life she will never feel the need to get over her "stage" because she will see that she can do it without fear of losing you... cake and eating thing.... I did everything I could do to cling to my ex, we broke up and got back together 3 times, and the third time I realized I had had enough but still I involved myself in his life, asking to work it out and he kept saying no.... then, when I finally decided to really for reals cut him out and not think about him and not care about him he came back and wanted to get back together... by then I met a sweet man who treats me like gold and doesn't play mind games or take me for granted.... needless to say I said NO to the ex and his heart was broken because he realized he had blown it but until then he didn't realize his little game had any consequences.... I am not writing this to say "oh, just ignore her and she will come back so you can get back together." I am saying do NC so that you can get over her and if she comes back you will be so over it and have met someone who treats you right and her feelings won't be your problem anymore.... don't just start ignoring her one day with no explanation, though, that hurts people, but just politely let her know that if she doesn't want to be your girlfriend she should stop contacting you because that is what girlfriends do, not what people who are kissing other people do (unless they have an open relationship, but that is beside the point....) BE STRONG! you will get over it.... I wish I could transfer all the knowledge I gained from being in this same situation to you, but you just have to learn it for yourself.... I have been there, though... my ex said he loved me, said he wanted to be with me, to marry me even, and then he would go and play games like that because he could.... because I would stick around.... don't keep yourself in that situation longer than you have to... you will get over her!! and once you are you will wonder how you ever let someone treat you that way... trust me

[WindDrifter]

Thank you all!

 

I don't know what I would do without you guys and girls!

 

I just spoke to another mate and I am going to do what I want to do.

 

I am going to call her and tell her to come over so that we can talk. I am going to tell her either she wants to be with me or not. If not then I don't want to talk to her or see her or for her to text me. The only time i would want to see her is if she would want to get back together seriously. And then I don't even know if I would want to. I am going to let her know that I have given everything I have and I guess its not enough and she needs to decide. I guess I already know the answer but I am going to put it to her anyway. I am also going to let her know that if she thinks NC will end it well that was her choice. She was willing to risk everything we have so now I am too. I am sick of being a punchbag for her.

 

Wish me luck!

 

I will let you know how is goes.

Cheers,

WD

[Tangerina]

WOOO HOOO! I feel so happy to you. I know it won't be easy, and sometimes you will regret it and feel weak, but I promise you it will get better and you deserve someone who knows what they have when they have it!

[WindDrifter]

I just called her. You won't believe it she was like.. Ohh Hi... Like she was disappointed. She didn't even care. She said ohh I didn't mean to sound like that. She was expecting my call. I told her I was expecting to call either. I told her to come over tonight after the talk. She was like yeah fine she will call me when it ends. She doesn't even care at all. She is totally over me. What a bitch. F%$K have I been the biggest idiot in the world.

 

I bet you if I ask her about it she would make something up like ohh I was with my friend and didn't want to make a fuss.

 

Wow .... its so sad. I think I will use one of her friends lines. "Its so hard sometimes when you know you could make someone so happy but they don't know it."

 

 

Guess it really is over.

 

Thanks again UT, AC and TANGERINA.

 

Don't know how I would have survived the last 12 hours.

 

I guess I will be chatting to you over the next couples weeks .

 

I will let you know how tonight goes!

 

Cheers,

WD

[Tangerina]

It sounds like you are getting to the point where you really are starting to believe the part of yourself that knows that it isn't working, good for you!

 

And just repeat to yourself.... there are women out there who will treat you right and you deserve better. You will get over her.

 

These situations are like when I was nerdy in middle school and everyone was mean to me... my mom told me every day that some day everyone would grow up and chill out and stop being so judgemental and I would feel better about myself and end up pretty and people would like me for me... and I was like "Yah right Mom, you don't even know..." and that was what happened, she was right.... I know when I go through something like a breakup the smart me tells me "you'll get over this and feel fine before you know it!" and then sad me goes "Yah right".... but smart me is always right in the end... you just have to trust it and stick to what you know is right

[WindDrifter]

Well its done.

 

Its the worst thing I have ever done. I feel like I am losing my soul mate but I need to know where I stand. I read out a letter I wrote a week ago and she cried like crazy. I read out a letter I wrote today and she was okay with it. I generally told her what was important to me and why. I told her what I wanted. She was thinking about our current setup and how she hasn't really found out that much. The real test will be when we are apart.

 

That test officially began 15 minutes ago. I asked her about the kissing and she said she can't make any promises because she just doesn't know how she might feel. So I told her now she has the time to figure that out without me in the picture.

 

We hugged for a long time just holding each other. She cried asking why she is doing this. She missed me so much today when I didn't answer her. She was so worried. She kept wondering why she is so afraid of commitment.(This is the first time she has said this) She said what if I fall in love with someone else. What if we are not meant to be what if everything goes wrong. (She has a history of panic attacks where fear is the main concern) I told her not to fear. Think about how we would feel if we didn't find out. If we didn't grow and live together, Travel together, love together. I told her not to let fear stop her from living.

 

We kissed pationately, softly, sexually. It was great. I could see her with me in the future. She told me how so many of her gf's have gone through this and got back together. It seems like a Australian Girl thing to do. I told her not to look at anyone else but herself. She said she has so much hope and to be honest so do I. What i do between now and if that day ever arrives I have no idea.

 

She asked me to email her a bunch of photos where we are together and the letter I wrote to her last week. She also wanted this weeks but I thought I wouldn't send it. Maybe I will now.

 

It hasn't really hit me yet. The woman who could make me the happiest guy in the world just drove out of my life. I guess I will really find out how she feels if she ever come back.

 

Either she wants to be with me or she is really in trouble like a family member is dying. I said she could call me when she is seriously in need of help.

 

So I suppose I have just survived 20 minutes but I still need to email her so maybe I haven't started yet. I do feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Its not in my hands any more.

 

Thanks again all.

 

I will keep you posted!

 

WD

[Shadowfax]

At the risk of sounding cheesy, if you love something let it go, if it comes back it's yours, if it doens't it wasn't yours to begin with.

 

It can be an incredibly tough thing to do, possibly the hardest thing to do ever, but she needs to work this out, and in this situation by staying with her on enables her to continue avoiding the real problems.

 

She needs to figure out if she wants you (and you alone) and she needs to find out what drives her fears. Then she can begin to work on them and maybe, if you are both ready, you can work on them together.

 

I'm a big flirt (and so is my fiancèe), and I've always loved the thrill of meeting somone new, the electricity of the first touch and the first kiss... and before I proposed to my fiancèe, I was really scared... what if I met someone else, what if we built a life together and then I found myself falling in love with someone else, never again would I know that excitment of a new relationship.

 

I asked my parents, my friends, anyone I could think of and I took a long hard at myself. I came to two conclusions: the first that I have known and loved this woman for nearly 4 years and in that time I have never missed the thrill more than I love being with her, and secondly that you can never be 100% sure, but at some point you have to trust your feelings.

 

Sorry for all the waffle (I do that a lot) but my point is this... unfortunately both you and her will probably always find other people attractive, there will always be that risk when it comes to commiting to one person, but at some point you have to make that decision and stick to it. Until she is ready to make that decision you don't have chance.

 

This post reads all wrong and there are a hundred things i want to try and qualify or explain further, but I'm going to leave it there, and hope you get the gist of what I'm saying. Hope it helps

[UT_longhorn]

my heart goes out to you man. your ex is acting exatly how mine was.

just reading what happened to you took be back to when she rejected me when i thought she wanted to reconcile. you'll get better man. its gonna take time. im 1 month into the break up and 1 week since the second rejection and it has gotten better.

 

let her go. and keep your head up.

[LonelyinOhio]

UT I'm in the same boat as well - I'm 3 weeks 3 days into the second rejection and I'm finally at the point where I actually have some good *hours*. Not good days yet, but good *hours* of the day. I know that if I continue to focus on my healing, it'll turn into good half-days, and then good days...and then good weeks, and then good months, and then -- who gives a damn any more?? ha

 

But without QUESTION you guys should all maintain NC - and I know I'm preaching to the choir, but it's the most empowering thing you can do. In fact it's the ONLY empowering thing you can do.

 

Good luck.

[mental_traveller]

But I love her so much and I really do believe we are meant to be together.

 

Should I just throw all of that away?

 

Yes, because if you get married then it will end in tears anyway. Might as well finish now before it's too late. People who are going to have happy marraiges never says thiings like "I want 3 months of fun" or say they are "99% sure". Why not 100%?

 

Then again, if you want to take the final step over the cliff, feel free to go ahead. It's your life after all.

[Sal Paradise]

She doesn't love you if she did she wouldn't be acting this way.

 

Its as simple as that. She is a selfish horrible person.

[WindDrifter]

ShadowFax - Thanks for the post. I agree with you on all of the points. I have truly let her go and if she returns we will have to see what happens. I hope she overcomes her fears otherwise they may run her life forever. Thanks for your words they really made sense.

 

Sal - She is not a horrible person. She is caring, loving and an amazingly strong person. Those are the reasons I love her. From the day I saw her I knew there was something special and I am happy i have had the chance to meet a person who I was able to learn and grow with.

 

UT - I hope I don't get rejected twice. I told her contact me when you want to get back together otherwise don't. I also told her the only way should could tell me she wants to get back together was in person. She can't call or text or email. If she really wants me she will find a way. On a side note I hope I am doing as well as you guys in a month!

 

Well I guess this is day one. I don't think it has really hit. I also don't know how to feel about others. I guess I will keep thinking is she going to kiss others. What happens if I don't kiss anyone and she come back to me having been with all these guys would I regret not being with someone else myself. I guess I just have to see how I feel. I have this nightmare that I will wait and wait and wait then as soon as I hook up with someone the next day she will be there wanting me back and I will feel like the worst person in the world.

 

I love her and will always love her. Whether I will always be IN love with her is a different story. I guess I just have to live me life. Be selfish. Thats what some many people have told me but its hard I am not that kind of person. I like to think of others and put others first. I guess this is a little Love WindDrifter time!

 

Thanks again one and all your posts have really helped me through one of the most difficult times of my life. I wish I could buy you all a beer!

 

Talk soon!

WD

[justagirliegirl]

Just wondering if you two are in Oz?

 

I don't think you are being selfish by doing your own thing. You will just be a better you when you focus on your needs for awhile. If you don't feel like dating, don't. That is the beauty of this is you can do what you want. Take some time to go out with some friends, get excited about your job or school. Take up a new hobby or sport.

 

One thing I gathered by your previous posts is she seemed to be influenced by her gal pals a bit. Maybe she is afraid she is going to miss out on fun times with them? I take it you both are very young in early 20s? I think those years are for finding your place in the world too. I settled down with my husband at the age of 20 and had a baby. I completely missed having fun as a young adult and discovering myself as a person.

 

Anyway whatever happens, I wish you both the best.

[WindDrifter]

JustAGirlieGirl,

 

Yes we are both in Melbourne Australia. I am South African and moved her 3 years ago. I had been here 6 months when I met Amanda. She had just come back from a year abroad. We have been going out ever since. I am 26 she is 23. We met when I was 23 and she was turning 21.

 

I don't this she is influenced by them but yes she has mentioned she is afraid she is going to miss out partying with the girls and just wants to have fun with them for a couple months. She is worried if she doesn't do it now she will regret it late down the line. My problem is I have asked her can she do that without wanting to kiss other and she wasn't able to promise me this as she didn't know. I just can't stick around waiting for her to decide whether she wants to party with others or be with me. At the moment she has made her decision.

 

The funny thing is out of her whole group of friends about 4-5 girls have broken off long term relationships to spend time by themselves and then got back together to move in or get engaged. She really feels this will work out and I want it too as well but I just don't know how I would feel. I guess I will just have too see how my feelings progress. It might just be a aussie girl thing.

 

My other issue is that since I am foreign I don't have that many mates to party with. It is so hard meeting people who you can go out with and have drinks and dance. Its not like london where I was living for 4 years. There every one drinks and partys. You meet so many people. Here everyone goes home at 5pm and thats it. They want nothing to do with you. Everyone here is either mates from high School or Uni and don't really go out of their circle.

 

Amanda though has all her friends to go out with each saturday night and she meets guys all the time. I just don't have those opportunities. I end up watching a DVD or doing homework.

 

I am thinking about learning how to dance salsa or something just to meet people. A few mates I do have here as funny as it sounds are all engaged. At the moment I do have a lot on my plate as well. I play rugby, basketball, I just started sailing again, I go to gym and I am doing a part time degree. My degree has been suffering as I need to think and everytime I think I think of her! But I have to move on. But I don't want to give up on us.

 

Girlie how do you feel now not of had that time? Do you regret it? Do you try and go out with girlfriends now and get the hubby to look after the kid?

 

Thanks,

WD

[WindDrifter]

All just wanted to be honest and say I went and email her today.

 

It has something to do with what Shadowfax said and I just needed to get something off my chest. I needed to let her know I was scared too. I have never told her this and I think she always was wondering how I can be 100% when she isn't. Well I am not but I do trust my feelings more than my head. I think she trusts her head more than her feelings.

 

I know I shouldn't have but I feel good about it. I don't expect a reply and don't want one.

 

I guess I start back from zero. 2nd Time Lucky!

 

WD

[justagirliegirl]

WD, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate to focus on while you two are apart.

 

Yes I regret it. My marriage wasn't a good one and after the kids were grown enough, I divorced him after 20 years of marriage. I'm having the time of my life now.

[WindDrifter]

GirlieGirl I guess that re-enforces why I am happy she is so honest with me and takes this time now rather than having issues later down the line.

 

Well update on my progress I went out last night with a mate and his g/f. Had a really good time but it took me a while to get into things. I kept on looking at couples kissing and thinking of Amanda kissing another guy. It made me really sad but I know I can't think like that. She's not mine. She can do what she wants. She doen's want me no matter how much she says she loves me or how much I love her.

 

I guess I just have to live my life and not be concerned but I do miss her and whats worse I know all these guys will be trying to pick her up and she can hookup every night meanwhile I don't exactly have chicks running up to me so its difficult but then again I don't really feel like chatting up girls.

 

I then get home quite late feeling a little down and missing her and there is a plastic bag with my jumper in she said she would return. I went home before going out so I know she must have dropped it off while i was out. I was hoping I would see her when she did it as she was getting a hair cut and would have look georgous but then again if I had seen her I just would have known what every other guys would have the pleasure of seeing except for me.

 

The weird thing was on the dance floor last night I could see more and more why people would want one last wild time. I mean spending the rest of your life with someone is a big committment. At the time you meet you don't know that they could be the last one you are ever with so we you do I think it is sort of a closure on that part of your life. Going out and doing what you used too for one last time before hanging up the boots for good. Saying this I think I would have been fine not doing this but since it has been forced onto me why not take advantage. I am sure she is.

 

Well anyway I guess today is really day 1.5 as I sent her an email yesterday and its really tough already. I am going to watch the Cricket tonight with some mates but tomorrow I need to study which will be scary because I will have time to think... more than likely about her rather than accounting!

 

Cheers,

WD

[justagirliegirl]

WD, it is good that you went out even if it wasn't very fun for you. It is still fresh for you and will take some time.

 

She have a key to your place or something to drop the jumper off? If she does, you need to get the key back or change your locks.

 

Marriage is a huge commitment and most of them don't last for whatever reasons.

[WindDrifter]

No I live with another guy so he must have been home and got it from her. I might ask him if he saw her just for interests sake.

 

I know marriage doesn't have a high success rate but just being afraid isn't going to keep for doing it when I feek ready. I know things can happen but how does that saying go. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

 

Its hard to shake that feeling of "we are meant to be" no matter how silly that might sound even though we are currently going through this.

 

I think I really could get back together no matter what she has done. Saying that I would have done whatever i want as well. I just hope it doens't drive me insane what she has done with other down the line. Can I get over it? will I try and compare. Will I try and compare if we are "even".

 

Ahh here i go again. I just don't want to forget about her. i want us to be together later and i am worried if she came back I might not want her. Ahhh!! I am going insane.

 

okay she doesn't want me. I need to remember this. But the problem is she said all she will need is a couple months. In the back of my mind I am waiting. But I guess I shouldn't. But I want to. But she won't. mmmm

 

This is tough.

 

WD

[jcmartin86]

WD, I am going through the EXACT SAME thoughts and feelings right now with my situation. If you have some time (it's long) feel free to read it a few threads down

[WindDrifter]

Yeah I did have a look Jc.