koukla Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 Does anyone look in the partners phone to see who've they've called/messaged/etc? I did once, and I didn't like what I read. My boyfriend sent his mate a really dirty message about how all the girls in the club we were in were so hot and what he'd like to do to them. Now what makes it horrible is that my boyfriend is Mr Nice Guy and would NEVER say anything like this out loud, so it really shocked me he could be so disgusting. Am I supposed to take this as a 'Guy Thing' where boys joke around but don't mean it? I confronted him about it, and he got angry about me 'snooping' in his phone and said I wasn't meant to see that message so I should get over it. Is this right? What are other people's experience of this sort of thing? Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted January 31, 2006 Share Posted January 31, 2006 What were you looking for? Link to post Share on other sites
Author koukla Posted February 1, 2006 Author Share Posted February 1, 2006 I was looking because he is really secretive about messages he sends, making sure I don't see who it's too or what it says. I guess I thought "What's he hiding?". I know I did the wrong thing to look but after what I saw I can't help but thing what else is there??? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 That's the thing about snooping...You may not like what you hear/see/read. Sounds to me like it was one of those "guy things" when boys get together, revert back to 12 year old humour, the poo/fart/sex thing and get rowdy and piggy. That's what happens sometimes when men go to strip clubs. Now, if you had stumbled across a message from a woman, then I would say you should be upset. Have you talked to him about it? Or are you just going to see what happens next? Try not to worry. Maybe next time you know he's going with his buddies, tag along or make a comment to him about how it makes you feel when he goes to places like those. Link to post Share on other sites
933KJL Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 You were dead wrong. Since when is it acceptable to require complete and total relinquishment of all privacy to your girlfriend or boyfriend? What would have happened if he had decided to go through your purse? I bet the s*** would have hit the fan! Link to post Share on other sites
Lucasarts Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 mmm lemme look at your phone and go question everything thats on it yeah you wouldnt like that would you? something so little can become a huge problem when interpreted by others. that is what has happened in this case why does it matter that he regards other woman in such dirty ways? do you wish that he did those dirty things to you? also why is it a problem that he is mr nice guy to you but can be so disrespectful to others? doesnt that mean he is placing you in a higher standard then others? because he is being the perfect gentleman to you means he cares and likes you enough to be someone you like as well. just get over it, and dont go snooping around his things unless you have a good motive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author koukla Posted February 1, 2006 Author Share Posted February 1, 2006 I know I shouldn't have done it! I did tell him I'd done it (last night) about 6 weeks after I looked. I am really sorry I betrayed his trust, I do trust him and know he's a great guy and yes, plays games with his mates and says gross stuff. It's worse to know that's he's dissapointed with me rather than just being angry. I feel terriable and want to make it up to him but trust doesn't grow on trees and now I'm worried about how he's feeling. I'm 21 and he's 27. I'm sure it's a bit of growing up on my behalf required, but I want to hear what other people's opinions are, good or bad. Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 I was looking because he is really secretive about messages he sends, making sure I don't see who it's too or what it says. I guess I thought "What's he hiding?". I know I did the wrong thing to look but after what I saw I can't help but thing what else is there??? So what was he hiding? A puerile message to a buddy? Big deal. Is he not allowed to be silly occasionally? WWIU is right, we can be a daft as a box of monkeys sometimes, jeez you want him to be a saint? Too much pressure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lucasarts Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 I know I shouldn't have done it! I did tell him I'd done it (last night) about 6 weeks after I looked. I am really sorry I betrayed his trust, I do trust him and know he's a great guy and yes, plays games with his mates and says gross stuff. It's worse to know that's he's dissapointed with me rather than just being angry. I feel terriable and want to make it up to him but trust doesn't grow on trees and now I'm worried about how he's feeling. I'm 21 and he's 27. I'm sure it's a bit of growing up on my behalf required, but I want to hear what other people's opinions are, good or bad. just apologize and say that you're still young and sometimes can be a bit snoopy. But you still like/love him and all that and that you would like to make it up to him ;) be sincere and dont do that again unless like i said b4, there is a good motive (like hes cheating on you or something). Link to post Share on other sites
Author koukla Posted February 1, 2006 Author Share Posted February 1, 2006 mmm lemme look at your phone and go question everything thats on it yeah you wouldnt like that would you? I have nothing I wouldn't want others to see. I don't send anything to anyone that I wouldn't say in front of him. I guess that's just me and had hoped he could be the same. But now I know we are NOT all the same. I am just learning to cope with Boy Jokes as I've not experienced that sort of thing before with a partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Author koukla Posted February 1, 2006 Author Share Posted February 1, 2006 Thanks everyone, I just needed a headcheck. Ok, well to be honest, it has happened once before, same thing (dirty guy message) and now that it's twice I can expect he's starting to lose a bit of trust... What can I do to prove to him how sorry I am and that I wont do it again? And I wont, cross my heart I wont, I have learnt my lesson from this whole situation. Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 why does it matter that he regards other woman in such dirty ways? do you wish that he did those dirty things to you? I think two people together should discuss how they feel about these things openly and honestly. also why is it a problem that he is mr nice guy to you but can be so disrespectful to others? doesnt that mean he is placing you in a higher standard then others? because he is being the perfect gentleman to you means he cares and likes you enough to be someone you like as well. just get over it, and dont go snooping around his things unless you have a good motive. my man never felt inclined to snoop through my anything, because even though he knew I was a big flirt and enjoyed everything about any man around me - he always trusted me - which i was - always, and happy to be faithful. I would always be true to him and never let him wonder. I always wanted him the most. All of our social friends always knew I would get them and their husbands hot and bothered so that when they went home it would always be a good time. I think that is part of why we were always invited. Never would I think about having crossed that line with my husband, made for some awesome sex though! Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 my man never felt inclined to snoop through my anything, because even though he knew I was a big flirt and enjoyed everything about any man around me - he always trusted me - which i was - always, and happy to be faithful. I would always be true to him and never let him wonder. I always wanted him the most. All of our social friends always knew I would get them and their husbands hot and bothered so that when they went home it would always be a good time. I think that is part of why we were always invited. Never would I think about having crossed that line with my husband, made for some awesome sex though! I think Cal_Gal wears fireproof knickers! Link to post Share on other sites
Candied-Heart Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 I didn't like what I read. My boyfriend sent his mate a really dirty message about how all the girls in the club we were in were so hot and what he'd like to do to them. Just on that note, Are you upset because he never tells you these things he thinks of others.. or because he thinks this about other women? Period. What can I do to prove to him how sorry I am and that I wont do it again? And I wont, cross my heart I wont, I have learnt my lesson from this whole situation. Sadly, The chances of ever being able to successfully prove to him that you won't do this again is slim. Only by not doing it again. That's the only thing you can do. And why would he trust you now? He's probably got more motivation now to be hiding his phone in his pocket or deleting call history and text messages and overall appearing shady because you have proven yourself to be untrustworthy and paranoid. P.S - You can delude yourself into believing that a man's thinking another woman is hot is a 'boy thing' or a 'mans joke between boys', though you have to realise at some point it's natural. Human beings can find people other than their partner attractive. He shouldn't be condemned for it. Otherwise, you're most likely a Hypocrite! Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 I think Cal_Gal wears fireproof knickers! I am confused Wit! Please clarify as I don't get it, and usually pride myself on a woman that does get "it." in other words.... I think I missed something... =( Link to post Share on other sites
Author koukla Posted February 1, 2006 Author Share Posted February 1, 2006 Just on that note, Are you upset because he never tells you these things he thinks of others.. or because he thinks this about other women? Period. I'm not worried about him finding other people attractive but what upset me was the language he used. It was so vulgar. And him telling this to his mate makes me think, what does his mate think of me and our relationship if my boyfriend is joking about things like R@PE? It was only a joke, something he'd never actually do, but there are just some things you shouldn't joke about. Link to post Share on other sites
Candied-Heart Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 That's a fair point! Though you left that part out about him wanting to 'rape' them, which would have helped us see 15 replies ago why you were so bothered. Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 Rape?! I know a frankly embarressing amount of jokes. I cannot think of one that involves that particular act. In fact I have never heard anyone joke about it before. I know some pretty rough assed guys as well. Thats an odd thing to read. Really odd. Everyone has a darker side, maybe he likes really black humour, some people do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author koukla Posted February 1, 2006 Author Share Posted February 1, 2006 Yes I left it out because I didn't want to go into that much detail but I don't think you all understood how gross it was. It basically said: Man there is so much pu$$y here I have to get out before I rape. So now can you understand why I was so disgusted??? I want to believe it's a 'guy thing' and all that, I want to forget it as the joke it was but when you read that from your boyfriends own words it's hard to deal with. Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 I will make no further comment. Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 Those messages would be something that would make me think twice about who he is. Okay, so maybe it was wrong to snoop. Oh well. I would honestly probably check out my husbands text messages if I had any reason to believe there was something in there worth looking at. My husband tells me he doesn't joke around about women with his friends. I believe that, too. So, maybe he does to a degree, but I have no reason to believe he hides anything from me and if he was sending text messages about raping hot chicks I'd be pissed, too. And I'm not going to "get over it" just because I shouldn't have seen the message. This is just a little window into the true character of your BF. If messages like that aren't acceptable to you, remember this. Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 K- don't get too worked up about what he said... even as a woman that has always been satisfied sexually, I can see how one man might say this in jest to another. Dang, when our horns are in full force we say things all the time that might not be in the norml realm for a gal... Link to post Share on other sites
Author koukla Posted February 1, 2006 Author Share Posted February 1, 2006 So how can I say "Baby I'm sorry I snooped and didn't respect your privacy but what the hell is with rape jokes?" I admit I did the wrong thing in the first place I admit but to find that brings up other issues. I just KNOW he would NEVER rape anyone but it's like some evil side I never knew that thinks it's ok to make fun of someone, ANYONE being raped? I want to forget about it but I also question why someone finds that funny to joke about? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 You need to let it go.. you are trying to find a reason to make what you did okay in his eyes so you are wanting to confront him on the joke.. You snoooped.. you live with what you found out.. and since you didn't find him cheating or robbing banks then you shut up about what you found out and figure out how to live with yourself Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 I have a question... If she had snooped through his cell phone and instead found dirty text messages to and from another woman, and also numerous calls made to that same number in the call records, would it have been okay to snoop then??? I seem to recall a recent thread, which I'm not tracking down right now, where someone snooped on a computer and found out their SO was having an emotional affair with his ex. Everyone supported her for snooping then, because she found something. So it's only okay to look if you actually find something, but if you don't then you're dead wrong? I think it's wrong for anyone in a committed relationship to hide sh*t from the one they love. I know there needs to be some degree of privacy, but some people make their SOs very insecure with the sneaky things they do. A fictional scenario: I have an SO who has told me he loves me and has asked me to marry him, but I find him on the computer late at night and he closes the browser when I walk in. I ask him what he was doing and why he shut the browser and he gets angry with me for not trusting him, because he wasn't doing anything. I hear his phone make sounds when text messages are being received in the middle of the night. He checks it in private and brushes it off as one of his friends when I ask, but give me no more details. Are most of you saying that I should NOT check the computer or his cell phone? Just trust him and go ahead with the marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
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