'Snooping' in your partner's mobile phone...

[Craig]

A fictional scenario: I have an SO who has told me he loves me and has asked me to marry him, but I find him on the computer late at night and he closes the browser when I walk in. I ask him what he was doing and why he shut the browser and he gets angry with me for not trusting him, because he wasn't doing anything. I hear his phone make sounds when text messages are being received in the middle of the night. He checks it in private and brushes it off as one of his friends when I ask, but give me no more details.

There are other explanations...

 

Maybe you walk in to the room just when he was about to close the browser anyway.

 

Maybe he checks his text messages in "private" because he doesn't want to disturb your sleep.

 

[933KJL]

I think the rape comment was not a peek into a darker side. It was emphasis maybe fueled by some booze.

 

"Oh, there are so many attractive women in this cafe, that I need to be headed to the bible study soon or I will begin to have amoral thoughts about kissing and holding hands with some of them", would not fly....

 

Some women I know would call it a compliment if a guy said "Man, you look so hot I want to throw you down and rape you right now." Girls...am I wrong here?

 

But, it seems to me that this might be a somewhat new relationship--BF versus SO or spouse, and at that level, I still maintain that he has a right to privacy. I know that if a girl I was dating was caught snooping, I would have to think twice about continuing.

[Lonestar]

There are other explanations...

 

Maybe you walk in to the room just when he was about to close the browser anyway.

 

Maybe he checks his text messages in "private" because he doesn't want to disturb your sleep.

 

 

No, my scenario is not a one time thing. The closing of the browser is happening a lot. Let's say there is no sleep going on when the texts come and it happens several times a week, not just once.

 

My point is when is it okay to protect your ass, and find out what the heck is going on??? If I suspect someone is lying to me and hiding things, I'm going to find out. I would ask him first, but if I felt like he was handing me a bag of sh*t, I'd find out for myself.

 

I don't know if the OP just snooped or if she felt she had good reason too. I'm referring to this other scenario because I have seen people change their mind about this topic constantly. It's okay if they find something, it's not okay if they don't.

[Lonestar]

I think the rape comment was not a peek into a darker side. It was emphasis maybe fueled by some booze.

 

 

I don't think the rape comment was any big deal either. It sounds like dirty guy talk to me that isn't meant for a women's ears or eyes. It's boys being cool. Girls do it too. We'll see a hot guy and say I want to take him home tie him up, and hurt him. You can't take things like that literally.

[Becoming]

Some women I know would call it a compliment if a guy said "Man, you look so hot I want to throw you down and rape you right now." Girls...am I wrong here?

 

Yes, from my point of view, you are. No one likes to be objectified and used for another's pleasure to the point where who they are as a person is invisible or obliterated. That's what makes these messages disturbing to me--that that's the way he views women, including koukla--which might be what really bothers her?

 

Something inside you told you something's not quite right about this, koukla, or else I don't think you'd have been snooping (unless you're just a naturally curious kinda girl). And I do think you found something quite disturbing.

 

I keep reading over and over again on LS about women who didn't know their men would abuse them because they were so nice while dating. This is a major red flag for me. Forget feeling guilty over this anymore. It maybe wasn't your finest moment (Don't worry; there'll be worse. ), but it told you something pretty significant about the kind of man this is. Good Lord, he's 27, not 17! Why would you want him if this is how he feels about women?

[loony]

Some women I know would call it a compliment if a guy said "Man, you look so hot I want to throw you down and rape you right now." Girls...am I wrong here?

I know people who might make this kind of joke and I know I wouldn't date them, not for this joke alone, but also because they usually say more stupid stuff that I can't bear to hear.

[cal gal]

I think if you are inclined to snoop - you need to be prepared with whatever you might find and how you would react to anything. Whether it's good, bad or indifferent.

 

Usually people snoop because they feel that something is "off." Then when they find what they wondered about they are angry.

 

I never understand that reaction, you really knew something was up prior to the snooping - if you felt the need to check.

 

Maybe the question is - do I really want to know? and if I know, what will I do with this info?

[basscatcher]

Usually people snoop because they feel that something is "off." Then when they find what they wondered about they are angry.

 

I never understand that reaction, you really knew something was up prior to the snooping - if you felt the need to check.

 

I think we all look for validation in our suspicionsn and that is why we snoop. Something feels off and we can't find answers so we investigate. We all carry some baggage with us when we have been hurt in the past. We are cautious to repeated behavior in a different relationship. So we are more cautious and snoop. We would rather find out sooner then later after we have totally immersed ourselves into the other persons life only to be shattered because we failed to sense the off things.

 

I am like this. I have become more sensitive and almost paranoid at times to certain things I am not privy too. I have snooped and so far I haven't found anything condeming and I am very very thankful for that. I am feeling more stable because of it. [knock-on-wood].

 

When we suspect something we don't want to be the fool and turn our cheek only to be slapped on both sides later.. I ask and if I don't get any proof of innocense it is only a matter of time I will investigate.. (leave it to the Scorpio Queen to do her hunting... )

[UnderWorld]

yea well my guys a good guy! i believe in him ! i dont think id ever look through his phone..but ive been tempted..if he gives me a reason to maybe..but some guys just show off ya know but i wonder what kinda things he said he wanted to do to them cuz seriously if he has a gf he shouldnt be saying anything further then saying a girls hot!!

[too unreal]

I do have an idea….assuming you haven’t yet disclosed that you read his text to him….

 

Why don’t you do what I do, the old “bait and switch” routine….its sneaky, its underhanded but who cares, I don’t….

 

One day, while you are with him, text him. Then say: “let me see your phone for a minute, I want to see how my text reads coming from my number”…..(said in a “jovial upbeat I am not about to pull a fast one on you” tone of voice)

 

Mistakenly “stumble” across the rape text and be like WTF???? What is this???!!

Then you can have your moment in the sun, get it off your chest, tell him you think he is a gross swine pig faced a$$ hat and then move on….or not…..

 

 

 

Bottom Line….In an ideal world, our partners would be up front and level with us and reassure our fears whenever we are feeling suspicious or insecure.

This is not an ideal world. We cannot always take what our mates say as gospel, but then again we cant just henpeck them to death either. There has to be a reasonable leveling out.

I say, if you are feeling something is up, mate is acting sneaky (ie lone stars examples), gut instinct, whatever, then you call them on it. If you are not satisfied with their response, and you tell them as much, then you are WELL WITHIN YOUR RIGHT to snoop…..and figure things out for yourself. Especially if they have lied, are being sneaky and suspicious or anything contrary to how a loving relationship is supposed to be.

 

It is like my almost favorite motto goes: Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. And if he/she is serious, really serious about you, then they will do everything in their power to make you feel secure again. They shouldn’t have a problem with providing proof.

 

However, if the whole trust factor is destroyed to the point where neither one of you trusts the other due to his/her lying or her/his snooping, then this is when there is a real problem.

I think the secret is how you process the information gained from snooping.

I think that absolutely NOTHING should be disclosed as far as snooping is concerned unless you plan to do something with the information other than just henpecking (isn’t that a great word)

 

The rape issue is a tad concerning….I can understand you being upset, yet I can also understand drunken men pig language. Men are notorious for trying to “outdo” the other on the darkest/sickest/funniest/grossest etc humor/stories/jokes etc.

[whichwayisup]

Men are notorious for trying to “outdo” the other on the darkest/sickest/funniest/grossest etc humor/stories/jokes etc.

 

And that is why she has to let this go...I'm sorry, but when you're out with your friends, (both men and women) some inappropriate conversations are going to take place. I'm sure she's said things (maybe not to the extent he did) that if overheard could raise some eyebrows. I know when my friends get together with me, we get silly and stuff too. Most of my friends have that sick humour too, so that rape comment (is how I took it) was a joke. I'm sure if she heard his voice when he said it, it would have sounded like a joke, but she didn't...And because of that, seeing it in text mode that humour didn't come across.