How do I respond?

[skeptik224]

My story is posted on here - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t77767/ so I won't go into the whole sordid thing. To bring you up to speed, I haven't talked to my ex (or her best friend) in over 3 weeks. Her friend and I were trying to be friends but I caught myself trying to pump her for information about my ex. I didn't feel it was fair to her so I stepped back - from both of them. Well, yesterday the friend called, and I don't know how to respond. I know she only wants to be friends with me so there's no alterior motive. I just don't know what to say...just in case she goes back and tells my ex that she talked to me.

[UT_longhorn]

skeptic...i know this is not addressing your question...but can i ask how long its been since you broke up? Also, how do you feel about the whole deal at this point?

[salmagundi]

Hey Skeptik,

 

I have exactly the same problem. All my close friends here are also friends of virginie (but there also people I befriended before getting together with her.) Two of her friends, Véronique and Marie-Hélène I am particularly close with, but they are also Virg's two best friends here. Marie I leaned on pretty heavy last december because I was a needy bastard but we had an understanding that I didnt want to know what Virginie was thinking and Marie was cool with hearing us both out and respecting both our confidences. In any case, I was there for Marie when she broke up with her last bf too. But I when I got back I did decide to give Marie some more room. Now we limit Virginie talk when we hang out. Our tacit agreement is that this situation is a big part of my messed up life right now so its not like I cant talk about it or her ask about it but we just keep a limit on it. In fact, its been good to concentrate on other stuff when we hang out.

 

Now as I say i know I can trust Marie and Virginie knows that we talk and she is OK with that too because she trusts marie too. Veronique however, I seldom talk to because, well, Véro fell hard for me before I met Virginie (through her, ouch!) and I feel uncomfortable about it, even if she does have another bf (i dont honestly think she is 100% over me, even a year later.)

 

SO yeah, it depends on what your relationship with this friend is and if you think you can trust her. You dont have to unfriend her and if you tell her that you just need some space because you legitimately worry that you are using your friendship with her as a crutch, I'm sure she would understand. Telll her that you just need some space so that you can come back to being her friend and hanging out without it being all about talking about your ex.

Esp. if she is much closer to your ex than to you she will understand and probably respect that you respect her enough to not abuse her frienship.

 

yours,

sal

[skeptik224]

UT - My ex and I have been broken up for 4 months but have done the back/forth emotional roller coaster for 3 months. We both love each other very much but we are in 2 different places now. She wanted to date me and others while I just couldn't go back to the beginning after how far we've come. I've come to a lot of realizations since then - especially since I've gotten into therapy. (which my ex is, too - at least the last time we talked she was) Anyway, our last conversation was via e-mail and she was somewhat cold. (although I'm sure it was because she was busy at work) She ignored something in the e-mail that made me realize I needed to not talk to her for awhile. I'm sure on some level she was pushing me away because she knew how hard it was and how hard I was struggling. (I imagine she was, too, to some degree) Anyway, I'm still sad, and I think about her a lot, but I don't have the urge to call/e-mail/text or anything. In fact, I'm afraid to. I've realized that I just don't know who she is anymore...I don't even know that she does. She broke my heart more than anyone ever has, and it'll be a long time until I'm over here, but I'm trying to live my life. The best thing that came out of this was that I realized I had some internal work to do for myself. I just wish it wasn't at the expense of losing the love of my life. (I tend to think eventually she'll have the same wish)

 

Sal - Why doesn't it suprise me that you've had the same problem? I met Kelly's friend through Kelly. She came to visit one time for a weekend, and we hit it off. She and Kelly ended up staying with me at the time. She's been friends with Kelly for about 20 years so obviously her loyalty is to her. She only talks about Kelly if I bring it up. In fact, she's the one that made me realize that Kelly NEVER expresses any other mood other than happiness. (how sad is that?) She said that if I wanted Kelly back that I need to suck up the pain in my heart and be around her. But, I, at the time, couldn't do that. It was too hard. When I found myself "pumping" her for information this past time, I realized that I did need to take a step back. I pushed her this last time into telling me that Kelly and this other person are only dating...that she knows nothing about them being in a relationship. It made me realize - at that point - that I was becomming someone I didn't like. She claims she doesn't tell Kelly anything, but a part of me wonders. Since Kelly went to visit her right around Christmas, things changed. That's when Kelly started distancing herself. I tend to wonder if her friend told her that I was having a hard time and that Kelly needed to back away from me for awhile. Who knows. I guess I just don't know that I can handle talking to her friend and be sure I won't try to put her in the middle again. Her friend is actually supposed to be visiting here in July and wanted to stay with me. (Kelly has a studio apartment, and I have a 3 bedroom apartment so it'd make sense).

[salmagundi]

Oh man...

 

yeah virginie ALWAYS makes like shes the happiest person on earth. When I met her I was blown away by her effervescence, you know. Then I learned about what she calls her «côté obscure» (literally «dark side») («» these are french quotation marks...) Few people see it. Fewer still survive it

 

Anyway...stay friendly with the friend but shes not like Marie, and yes she is revealing what you're saying. If she has known Kelly for 20 years she cant not at least let on or hint whats going on with you. So discipline yourself to never talk about Kelly and you should be able to keep things open, if distant. When this all blows over probably you should be able to her friend and the past wont matter at anymore.

 

sal

[skeptik224]

I never understood why people pretend they are something when they are not. Don't they realize that sooner or later, those emotions are going to come out? You can't avoid them forever. Yeah, I think I'm just going to send her friend a "friendly" e-mail and keep it short. I pretty much assumed that she would be telling Kelly something at some point. I guess I'll keep the e-mail upbeat - but not exaggerate. So, have you survived Virginie's "dark side?" Kelly cried with me on 2 occasions and when I last talked to her friend, she said I should consider myself lucky. Kelly never really even showed emotion when her parents split up. (even though they're back together now)