Dealing with news of ex dating someone new...

[Extra Truth]

I found out from my ex's brother (she and I dated over 3 years and talked of marraige), that she is seeing someone new, and probably has for 2 months. He had a piece of paper sitting on a table with a name. I recognized the from an email I saw at her apartment.

 

I accidentally broke NC last Friday. I was calling a friend, even looking at his number, and my fingers misdialed her. It was eactly 4 months since we split, so maybe it was subconcious. She wasn't hostile, but wasn't warm either. I told her I didn't mean to call, she said she knew, and that we could say the call never happened, and that we would tak some other time. 6 weeks of NC and this? I didn't think I would ever hear from her again.

 

In December, she told people at a party she was sleeing with someone new and it didn't mean anything. So 2 months now? Is it a rebound? Her brother says she is worried about me. That everything is very uncertain about us. That we could get back together, but who knows.

 

I am preparing a book of letters with photos celebrating us, thanking her for everything. I am hoping to create doubt about her decision and let her know that nothing that she did went unnoticed. Should I send it before Valentine's or after? It's a beautiful bland book that cost me $150 and I made sure it was the best I could find as a fitting tribute to what we had. I want her to know that she is worth the best.

 

It's just sex, but still it hurts. I wanted to marry this woman. I could accept that while we were apart things happened. I'm angry at her for putting me in another woman's arms. Frankly, the idea disgusts me and I haven't been able to be with another woman, but she is able to be with a man. So, as much as I want reconciliation, and am trying to make it happen with baby steps, I find myself torn up everyday, and increasingly exhausted.

 

Has anyone stories or experience with dealing with news of a new interest in your ex's life? I don't think I would do this, but I know who he is, where he is, etc. Too close for comfort. I just want to scream out to both of them, and say 'stop'! I fantasize about telling her, 'hey, this guy doesn't know you like I do--I got 3 yeras of your darkest, deepest, most f*#ked up secrets, and I know how to love you', and to him, 'pal, you don't know what you're getting in to, better step aside, and let a pro handle her.'

 

Man, this sucks. I don't know how to handle this. I feel like I'm stuck. I've pretty much cried everday for 4 months.

[Just Visiting]

I just found out that my ex of 4.5 months has been seeing someone for the past 2 months. I have him on my hi5 friendship network and came across his profile while searching for my sister's. He has a pic of him and her on it and I was just blown away. I deleted my account as I don't want to see stuff like that anymore. Just the past month, I have been thinking of re-initiating contact and hopefully rebuild our relationship. Now I feel like I have taken a few steps back in my recovery process.

 

I know I will be running into him and his new gf at cultural gatherings. Her and I are both traditional dancers, so it is going to be tough. I just have to get used to the idea of us not reconciling and I have missed him alot. It has been such a blow. I didn't sleep very well last night.

[CaliGuy]

I found out from my ex's brother (she and I dated over 3 years and talked of marraige), that she is seeing someone new, and probably has for 2 months. He had a piece of paper sitting on a table with a name. I recognized the from an email I saw at her apartment.

 

I accidentally broke NC last Friday. I was calling a friend, even looking at his number, and my fingers misdialed her. It was eactly 4 months since we split, so maybe it was subconcious. She wasn't hostile, but wasn't warm either. I told her I didn't mean to call, she said she knew, and that we could say the call never happened, and that we would tak some other time. 6 weeks of NC and this? I didn't think I would ever hear from her again.

 

In December, she told people at a party she was sleeing with someone new and it didn't mean anything. So 2 months now? Is it a rebound? Her brother says she is worried about me. That everything is very uncertain about us. That we could get back together, but who knows.

 

I am preparing a book of letters with photos celebrating us, thanking her for everything. I am hoping to create doubt about her decision and let her know that nothing that she did went unnoticed. Should I send it before Valentine's or after? It's a beautiful bland book that cost me $150 and I made sure it was the best I could find as a fitting tribute to what we had. I want her to know that she is worth the best.

 

It's just sex, but still it hurts. I wanted to marry this woman. I could accept that while we were apart things happened. I'm angry at her for putting me in another woman's arms. Frankly, the idea disgusts me and I haven't been able to be with another woman, but she is able to be with a man. So, as much as I want reconciliation, and am trying to make it happen with baby steps, I find myself torn up everyday, and increasingly exhausted.

 

Has anyone stories or experience with dealing with news of a new interest in your ex's life? I don't think I would do this, but I know who he is, where he is, etc. Too close for comfort. I just want to scream out to both of them, and say 'stop'! I fantasize about telling her, 'hey, this guy doesn't know you like I do--I got 3 yeras of your darkest, deepest, most f*#ked up secrets, and I know how to love you', and to him, 'pal, you don't know what you're getting in to, better step aside, and let a pro handle her.'

 

Man, this sucks. I don't know how to handle this. I feel like I'm stuck. I've pretty much cried everday for 4 months.

 

Don't send her the photos. It would 'guilt' her more than anything and even if she did come back to you, it wouldn't last very long.

 

I do understand how you feel and yes, it sucks. Maybe she's with this guy to cope with the loss of companionship, who knows. But right now know that she is with someone else and you have to accept that it's over.

 

The best thing you can do is put the reminders of her away and let it go. The past is the past and there's nothing you can do to change it. Focus on yourself, hang with friends, go work out and totally dive into a new hobby.

 

All worrying about who she is seeing and what they are doing will accomplish is to keep you down longer and lengthen the healing process.

 

The only thing you're in control of is yourself and that's where the focus needs to be. You can't control her so logically speaking the best chance you have of recovering is to put the emphasis on what you can control.

 

You.

[notmakingsense]

Who broke up with who? From the tone of your note, I'm assuming she broke up with you. If that is the case, then listen to CG's advice. She has to come back to you of her own accord -- sending her that book just smells of desperation.

 

I can't remember who said it, but when a break-up occurs, any reconciliation needs to be thought of as a new relationship -- starting over. Don't reunite based upon memories of the past. After all, you broke up, so something was broken (to you or to her -- doesn't matter). This book is simply a symbol of the past -- which is something you need to get away from.

 

Go back to No Contact. If she doesn't approach you with a reconcilliation proposal -- then this relationship wasn't meant to be.

[Tender]

As hard as it may be - it is time to cut the cord. I have been separated from the ex for 6 months - divorced for 2. It has not gotten any easier - because I cannot stop thinking about him, and I cannot stop talking to him.

 

Just last night - I decided that I will not see him again. I am still staking his calls, he is still on my IM and I still e-mail him. I am taking baby steps. After I go 10 days without seeing him, I will then go 10 days without seeing him and talking on the phone, then I will add 10 days of no e-mail, and then I will add 10 days of no chatting. By the end of 40 days, I will have no contact with him - and I hope I can go on with my life.

 

Funny thing - that 1 big red "x" on the calendar - seems like such a big achievment!

[jacked17]

Yeah don't send her any pictures or anything. Just tuck that stuff into a closet or something and keep it for yourself. Just let her be. I mean if she wants you back there's nothing you're going to be able to do to win her back. Just move on with your life and if she wants you back I'm sure you'll be the first person to find out. I'm in the same boat as you guys. My ex and I broke up and she promised me we'd get back together and that she didn't want to date anyone else. She told me she didn't want to date anyone and when she was ready she'd come back to me. Well that didn't happen. She ended up jumping right into a relationship with another dude. Call it what you want in our situations but they're not with us. Just move on with your life and who knows maybe she'll come back maybe she won't but at least you won't be wasting your time worrying about it.

[Extra Truth]

Who broke up with who? From the tone of your note, I'm assuming she broke up with you. If that is the case, then listen to CG's advice. She has to come back to you of her own accord -- sending her that book just smells of desperation.

 

I can't remember who said it, but when a break-up occurs, any reconciliation needs to be thought of as a new relationship -- starting over. Don't reunite based upon memories of the past. After all, you broke up, so something was broken (to you or to her -- doesn't matter). This book is simply a symbol of the past -- which is something you need to get away from.

 

Go back to No Contact. If she doesn't approach you with a reconcilliation proposal -- then this relationship wasn't meant to be.

Who broke up with who?

 

I can't remember who said it, but when a break-up occurs, any reconciliation needs to be thought of as a new relationship -- starting over. This book is simply a symbol of the past -- which is something you need to get away from.

QUOTE]

 

Yes, she broke up with me. Her issues with me were that I took her for granted, didn't 'get appreciate her', and that I was an illusion.

 

The book is just a token to say thank you in all the ways I didn't when we were together. I want to let her know her efforts were noticed and not wasted. Absolutely no pleading, no requests, no desperation, no hint at any wish for reconciliation--just thank you for everything. Left hand side, photos, right hand side, letters I've been writing to her, but not sending, all thank you notes and no negativity. I would like this to be something to commemorate what we did together.

 

I agree, any reconciliation must come from her, and it would be like dating from scratch. It would be tough, but after much soulsearching, she had good reason to leave me. I needed to be broken down to regain my humility and self so I could be rebuilt again. So it was necessary and she was right to do it. She's just a great woman. She thought I was a great man, but I didn't give her much reason at the end to believe that. So this book, I hope will say, 'hey, I appreciated everything, as a man, as a lover, as a friend'.

Thanks for all for your posts!

 

J in LA

[Extra Truth]

if she did come back to you, it wouldn't last very long.

 

I do understand how you feel and yes, it sucks. Maybe she's with this guy to cope with the loss of companionship, who knows. But right now know that she is with someone else and you have to accept that it's over.

 

The best thing you can do is put the reminders of her away and let it go. The past is the past and there's nothing you can do to change it. Focus on yourself, hang with friends, go work out and totally dive into a new hobby.

 

Thank CaliGuy

 

I know it's over for now, and this has to be a rebound relationship. I've lost 40 pounds in 3 months--not good, but I haven't looked this good in 10 years. Learning guitar and cooking. Writing a lot. Going out but not really enjoying everyone's insistent pushing me to chase women. I'm just not there.

[jacked17]

I mean I just don't get what the point of the book of pictures is, I mean is it going to give you some kind of closure?

[Extra Truth]

I mean I just don't get what the point of the book of pictures is, I mean is it going to give you some kind of closure?

 

It has handwritten letters expressing everything I appreciated about her and for all the things she did for me. Since my since is neglect, this a thank you gift, and maybe for closure. She has her own closure, and may be angry still. This I hope will allow her to smile in time, and might even make her doubt her decision--that is my hope, but not my expectation. I just want her to know what I really thought of her since her doubts have so much to do with my not 'getting her'.

[riobikini]

RE:

 

ExtraTruth: "The book is just a token to say thank you...... Absolutely no pleading, no requests, no desperation, no hint at any wish for reconciliation--just thank you...."

 

 

No, it isn't.

 

It's your way of making the pain of the break swing in your favor, in some twisted way.

 

Say 'thank you' by letting each of you find happiness in different directions.

 

-Rio