I had a rough night, attacked and feel awful

[FoolishDriver]

I've been feeling down lately after finding out my boyfriend lied when he said he loved me and for a relatively minor reason broke up with me. He didn't want to bother doing any of the driving in our kind of long distance (about 50-60 mile) relationship.

 

Last night I was feeling especially down and went to a bar for the first time. I wanted to be around other people to feel better and don't really have many friends. The few I have are married with children and not up to hearing my about my love tribulations at the end of their long day.

 

At the bar I met a man who said if we went to his place we could have a better time and talk and drink and watch tv. Feeling lonely, I thought that was nice of him to offer that. As soon as we got into his apartment, I was feeling like it wasn't a good idea and wanted to go home but didn't want to be rude. I sensed some bad vibes and got scared, it's hard to explain but I knew something wasn't right with how he was acting and the whole situation.

 

My fears came true when he turned it sexual. He pushed me onto his bed that was only a mattress in the corner of the room with no way to get out and he was taking my clothes off and worse. I didn't know if I should vigorously resist or comply not to get hurt. He started smoking something that I think was drugs because it looked and smelled strange and soon afterwards he became more persistent and as if he didn't care one bit about what he was putting me through.

 

I felt a fear for my life the moment he was holding me down and all my strength to resist was absolutely making no difference against his, combined with his cold attitude that he didn't care he was hurting me and thought he could do whatever he wanted to. I reached for his phone that was on the floor, tried to dial 911 but hit a wrong number as he struggled to pull it away from me. He got very furious that "I was pulling that" on him, he sounded and acted like he had done this many times before! He became more violent and abusive. I kept thinking he was going to end up killing me and experienced a fear for my life like I have never before felt, thinking I would be another story on the murder mystery cases on the Discover channel and other thoughts flashing through my head.

 

I don't know how I thought of it but suddenly I pretended the call had gone through. He became panicked and I said if he let me dress and leave, I wouldn't be there to press charges against him when the police came so he therefore would have to let me leave right away which he thank goodness did. I was acting calm to calm him down so he wouldn't do anything stupid because he started asking if I was a police and scaring me more with his odd behavior. I pretended I would come back during daylight time, but it was too late for me to stay now as I had already dialed and had to leave. Even getting dressed was a big ordeal and accomplishment. He would grab me then get mad and let me go, the whole time my heart pounding like it would explode and ever inch of my body shaking so much I thought I was going to pass out and he'd have his way in the end that way.

 

I've been so shaken up that I haven't had sleep all night. I showered twice and feel so dirty and disappointed that I would do such a dumb thing to go to someone's place late at night who I didn't know. How naive and pathetic can I get. He seemed so nice and it seemed common to hear people go to bars and meet people all the time and I thought if I tried it out I could meet friends like that too. This was the last thing I needed to add onto my existing problems in my life. I feel better writing this down to get it out of my system and I hope I can forget all about it. I know it was a dumb thing to do, please don't criticize me. I am seeking a few words to comfort me, or else no comment, only an outlet to share this terrible thing with another person. Am calling in sick for work even though I have a lot to do adding to the stress.

[littlekitty]

Firstly I'm sorry you had this awful experience.

 

Now, go and call the police now. Give them the name of the bar, the name of the man, the details of his house etc. etc. etc.

 

DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO SOMEONE ELSE... Please!

 

Please let someone know, not only will ensure this awful man is taken out of action, you'll be able to get help coping which what happened to you.

[lindya]

I've been so shaken up that I haven't had sleep all night. I showered twice and feel so dirty and disappointed that I would do such a dumb thing to go to someone's place late at night who I didn't know. How naive and pathetic can I get. He seemed so nice and it seemed common to hear people go to bars and meet people all the time and I thought if I tried it out I could meet friends like that too. This was the last thing I needed to add onto my existing problems in my life. I feel better writing this down to get it out of my system and I hope I can forget all about it. I know it was a dumb thing to do, please don't criticize me..

 

Real life is full of risks, and sometimes people do go back to strangers' houses because they're trusting a gut instinct that that stranger is an okay person. I've been in situations where I've met a guy, he's walked me home, come in for a coffee then gone on his way. It's the nature of life that we don't always do everything as safely as we're supposed to...and to be honest I sometimes think that if we took all the precautions that people say we should...well, we might end up never leaving our homes.

 

You took a chance - as many of us do in our day to day lives - and this time you were unlucky. Your instincts about this guy, when you were speaking to him in the bar, were wrong. There could be all sorts of reasons for that - and the fact that you'd just broken up with your boyfriend is very likely one of the main ones. Sadly, it's often at such times of stress that the worst things happen to us. During those times, your guard is sometimes down and you're more vulnerable. Unfortunately, you met the worst possible type of man just at that point.

 

Congratulations on the way you dealt with this. It sounds as if you handled the situation with a pretty cool head, all things considered - and I'm really glad you managed to get out of there.

 

You haven't specified whether he actually raped you, or whether you got away in time. Hopefully the latter, but nonetheless being attacked like that would be a horrific experience. Please, as Kitty says, call the police and report this man. There's the likelihood that he's done it before and will do it again. Additionally, I would say that by notifying the police you will decrease the likelihood of this man attacking you again in the future. Bear in mind that you spent some time chatting to him in the pub beforehand, and he might have retained more identifying information about you than you realise. That's not intended to frighten you...it is intended to help you realise how vital it is that you do pass the details of this horrible incident onto the police as soon as possible.

 

Take care, and keep posting if you need to.

[Mz. Pixie]

How horrible for you, I can't imagine.

 

I echo what the other posters said, PLEASE call the police. The actions of the guy indicate to me he has done this before. He may have even killed someone in the past. You are VERY lucky that you survived and need some follow up medical care.

 

Please report him to the police and press charges. Someone else's life may depend on it.

[blind_otter]

Call a crisis center please....I have felt the way you do now and I didn't do anything about it then. So now I have to go to therapy for years to fix what I tried to avoid back then. I was raped when I was 12 and 19 and still suffer... Please see someone.

[Becoming]

Sorry this happened, FD! It sounds to me like you're wiser than your screen name suggests. You now know when to trust your instincts. And that you can take care of yourself better than most. Wow. Smart thinking, girl! You totally outsmarted this guy. And you survived. You're right; we could have been watching your story on TV. You're alive. You might not have been able to write this today. It sounds like Someone was watching over you last night to tell you to get out and then give you the clarity of mind to fake it.

 

That said, you do need to call the police. They may not have enough physical evidence to convict, but you have to alert them as to what's happened so that it's on file to catch him next time. You said you had the definite impression he'd done this before. You're probably right. You may be the one who can send this guy away.

 

Please tell us the outcome of this. And don't beat yourself up, as Lindya says. You've been assaulted enough!

[RainyDayWoman]

It sounds to me like you're wiser than your screen name suggests. You now know when to trust your instincts. And that you can take care of yourself better than most. Wow. Smart thinking, girl!

 

huh?

 

 

(the message i entered was too short.)

[Mz. Pixie]

huh?

 

 

(the message i entered was too short.)

 

Because she convinced him that she had in fact dialed 911 so that he let her go. That was smart thinking.

[morrigan]

Don't bottle this up inside you--call a friend or a family member and have them come over. If/when you feel up to it, go to or call a rape crisis center as Blind otter suggested. Consider pressing charges for your own personal safety and so that he will have a record.

 

I had a similar experience in college and was lucky enough to fight the b@stard off. I was angry and upset at myself. I threw the clothes I wore that day away and scoured myself. I never pressed charges and I feel guilty about that. I don't think I was the first and it makes me sick that he's probably went on to rape other women.

 

All of us take risks, either with an unlocked door or being too distracted. But these were fully his actions. You can trust your instincts and be wary of strangers but how about the many 'friends' and family members do this same terrible thing? You can't lock yourself away and live in fear. Please talk to a counselor about this and take care of yourself.

[FoolishDriver]

I want to thank all the responders so much for all the empathy, understanding and feedback you gave me. It has made me feel much better to share the experience and to have someone hear me and respond with kindness. I don't feel as bad, was afraid people would say how stupid I was for going home with a stranger, but sometimes my intuition is off and some of you have also experienced not being able to judge someone right away (also considering after a couple of drinks, that for sure does not help, plus being lonely, depressed and trusting others).

 

I am too afraid to press charges, it will haunt me the rest of my life thinking he might get revenge or something, especially I am living alone and maybe he figured out more about me than I remember and can easily look me up.

 

I only am concerned as far as I don't want another girl to be his victim. I am thinking of faxing an annonymous fax with my story to the police station, but have no idea if it would be taken seriously, just so they keep an eye on him or if they have other complaints or charges filed to build a case or something.

 

He didn't succeed in the actual rape, but did I am ashamed to say somewhat succeed in giving me a little oral which is grossing me out to no end. I keep washing myself and using the antibacterial sanitizer (which stings). I was trying to at least tell him to use a condom when he was trying to rape me, thinking he might have hiv or get me pregnant or stds and it was 100% no as far as he was concerned, and I could see and feel bumps and weird stuff all over his penis, which led to my desperate instincts to come up with tricking him. I was so desperate and frightened. Now I have gotten it all out, hope to forget about it completely. I love this forum to allow me to share this. I cannot at all tell my family or friends, it is too humiliating. Thank you again for being there and being understanding and helpful when I need someone. I am too embarassed to call a cris hotline but I think this has been more helpful to be honest.

[justagirliegirl]

I am too afraid to press charges, it will haunt me the rest of my life thinking he might get revenge or something, especially I am living alone and maybe he figured out more about me than I remember and can easily look me up.

 

This is how these nut jobs get away with doing this over and over. I would say to please please file a police report on this nut! It is clear he has done this before and will keep doing it until he is behind bars.

 

I would also call a rape crisis line and talk to them. Although you weren't penetrated, you were raped. Also, I would go to the doctor and get tested to STDs. From your description it sounded like he had a bad case of herpes or hpv.

 

So sorry this happened to you.

[Citizen Erased]

The horrible thing about abuse is that the abuser gets power over their victim (yes you are a viictim but you are not HELPLESS!) and that makes their victim afraid to no end. This guy is a cretin and deserves to be locked away and what if you are the one person who will be able to take his power away?

 

If he had of infected you, it would have been horrible. What if he has already infected others deliberately or will in the future? As others have suggested, at the very least, the Police will have a file on him. If they don't believe your story, they still have to file the report and then if there is an attack in the future you will have helped to get him arrested. You should not have to feel scared, embarrassed, shame etc. This was not in any way your fault. You are not stupid to have thought you could trust another human being! It is just a shame that you cannot even be friendly to someone without them thinking of ways to harm you. I guess that is just the way the world works.

 

I am sure that our family and friends will support you with this. You need people to help you because yes, you have been raped. Any unwanted sexual contact is rape. This is not your fault, you are entirely blameless, it is just your decision if you want to take action. Take this b@stards power away and you will have everything to gain and he will have everything to loose. Sometimes, revenge is sweet, so get yours!

 

Darling, I do hope you contact the police but the most important thing is that you contact a counsellor as well as your GP. You will feel a whole lot more at ease if you know he hasnt given you anything. Talk to a counsellor, this should not prevent you from attaining your life goals and if you sort your feelings out then you will come away feeling better than before this.

 

Good luck honey *hug*

[Becoming]

He won't try to get back at you because he thinks the police are already on to him, right? File a report. The police may also have counselors you can talk to or suggest someone.

 

What's happened to you is really frightening. Take it seriously. For your sake. I hope you have friends you can call on because you'll probably have some flashbacks for awhile and be afraid for no "reason." You have a reason. This is a pretty serious trauma, sweetie. Take care of yourself.

[blind_otter]

I never pressed charges against the teenager who raped me when I was 12. It haunts me to this day. Because I discovered later that he had done the same thing to a 13 yera old girl soon after he raped me....I will feel guilty about that for the rest of my life.

 

Please call the National Sexual Assault Hotline, operated by RAINN, for free, confidential counseling, 24 hours a day: 1-800-656-HOPE.

[NatoPMT]

Call the line that otter gave you FD, this isnt something you should deal with alone. You can talk to LS and you must talk to the crisis line. Making you feel this is your fault is how abusers can continue to operate. Your intuition is a valuable tool but this man is an expert in fooling peoples radars, hes thought about how he can appear to be trustworthy and given all the right signals. If he behaved like an attacker, you would never go home with him. Furthermore, He fears the police will arrive to arrest him, once they dont he will get less concerned and think he can get away with this again.

 

Your quick thinking is admirable, i dont think you are a victim here, i think you are a survivor.