Alone

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

I'm all alone. My friends don't want to comfort me, or talk with me, they just want to go out drinking or out to pick up men. My best friend just makes jokes and tells me to snap out of it. My own mom says she doesn't know what to do with me anymore, and all she does is yell at me and tells me to get over it. The man I love more than anyone before is gone. I have no one. I've lost my job because all I do is sob and have hysterical crying fits and I'm useless. I'm going to lose my apartment when I can't pay the rent. My mom said she can't take me in. I will be homeless. I've lost everything.

[whichwayisup]

Aww Jen...I know right now life really f**k'n sucks for you, but soon things will look up. You're very strong, even though right now you don't feel that way. You won't lose your place and Jen, your mom won't let you live on the streets. Things have a way of working out somehow and I have faith that all will be okay. Just may take a little bit of time.

 

Your friends are being s***ty to you and that isn't nice. Let alone your mom not being supportive! Not nice!

 

We're here and remember to focus on the good replies you get. If anybody posts something that you feel isn't supportive, don't react to it.

 

A some point today, have a shower, and go for a walk. Get a cup of coffee. Getting some fresh air will help you feel better.

 

Hugs to you Jen.

[SmoochieFace]

I'm all alone. My friends don't want to comfort me, or talk with me, they just want to go out drinking or out to pick up men. My best friend just makes jokes and tells me to snap out of it. My own mom says she doesn't know what to do with me anymore, and all she does is yell at me and tells me to get over it. The man I love more than anyone before is gone. I have no one. I've lost my job because all I do is sob and have hysterical crying fits and I'm useless. I'm going to lose my apartment when I can't pay the rent. My mom said she can't take me in. I will be homeless. I've lost everything.

 

No human being in this world is worth destroying your life over like this. You say you've lost your job, you cannot pay the rent, and you will be homeless. You are allowing this guy to have WAY too much power over you and you need to find a way to break this cycle of despair.

 

Where is your pride and strength?

[hooghie]

Jen,

 

I don't know your full story, but I've read a few of your posts and I'm sorry you are going through this. From what I remember reading - he called you and broke it off with you while you were sick- is that true? If yes, think about how much he disrespected you and how little affection he has to offer. Do you really want to be with someone who is THAT cold hearted? Do you want to be with someone who is so weak that he doesn't even have the balls to break it off in person? Is such a person worth your job, your apartment, and your heart? We have a saying in my culture that says:

 

'only cry for someone who will develop a fever if you die'

 

I know it is hard and I know that right now it feels like you will never be whole again and you really really hurt. BUT- remember: 'whatever doesn't break you makes you stronger.' Don't let this guy break you Jen. Your friends DO seem a little cold, but it may help you to force yourself to dress up, look good and go out and try to have a fun time. There is a whole world out there and you are missing it by being cooped up in your apartment crying for someone who doesn't deserve it. And if nothing else helps, get 'I WILL SURVIVE' and sing away.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Where is your pride and strength?

 

In the toilet along with my sanity.

[SmoochieFace]

In the toilet along with my sanity.

 

You have a choice now - either pluck them out of the *toilet*, dust (in this case... dry ) them off, and put them back in you or continue to wallow in this self-pity and lose everything that REALLY matters to you.

 

What I fear happening is that you will allow yourself to get so despondent over this you will end up losing the one thing that is MOST important - self-respect.

 

Can you please tell us what is it about this man that makes it *all right* to carry on like this? Why are you giving him this destructive power over you?

[Becoming]

Good to see you back. Sounds like you need some new friends and some drugs for depression. I picked up that you'd been on some before, but they may just not have been the ones for you.

 

I've been in the pit where you are and it stinks. It's scary and dark in there. I kept hoping someone would come and rescue me. They didn't. I dragged myself to the dr. a few times before they finally got that I wasn't some hysterical woman. I was sick and needed their help. Finally found the right anti-depressant that enabled me to help myself by doing all the things WWIU suggested.

 

Wake up, jen! You're dying here, and only you can drag yourself to where you can get some help. Pick up the phone now and tell the nurse that you've lost your job because all you can do is cry and that you need to see someone ASAP. Go to a free walk-in clinic if you have no dr., but do something, or you're right: you're gonna lose everything. Is that what you want? If not, then only you can do something to stop it. There is no friend, family, or Prince Charming who's gonna save you. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but there it is. Only you can help you. And you keep refusing that.

 

But once you do step in and start acting on your own behalf to make choices for life rather than death, you'll find the WWIU is right: things will work out.

 

So, please, choose life. For yourself.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

i don't have the will anymore. i just don't.

[whichwayisup]

Right now you don't, but you will Jen! Right now you can't see too far ahead and life sucks...But I promise you, IT WILL get better as time goes on. It has to.

 

I wish I could do more to help you, I wish I could smack your friends because they are not being good friends to you! And I wish that guy didn't break your heart.

 

Keep posting your thoughts, get it all out of you. Writing will help some too.

[Lil Honey]

You are allowing this guy to have WAY too much power over you and you need to find a way to break this cycle of despair.

 

I thought the very same thing yesterday when I read Jen's thread.

 

Jen:

 

I have been depressed. I've been in some very dark places. Please believe me, Jen, when I say that this doesn't last.

 

Like SF said, you are giving this guy - who couldn't even call you when you were sick - too much power. And what's like a slap in the face is that he isn't worth it.

 

And Becoming said that only you can drag yourself to get help. That is so true and I've been there as well. I picked up the phone and called a doctor. I was so far gone that I couldn't even make simple decisions. I was crying on the phone when the receptionist asked what day/time would be good for me. I couldn't answer. I told her to decide for me and I'd be there. That's all you have to do, Jen. Just call a professional. You have posted several times here and that's good because people DO care about you. Coming here tells me that you CAN call a doctor.

 

Pick yourself up just that little bit. You will probably have to force yourself. That's okay. Just do it.

 

This guy may have broken your heart, but there are other guys. Good guys. Guys that WILL call - even stop by - when you are sick. Take a look around this site again. There are men and women here who have had broken hearts, too. They are proof that time heals all wounds.

 

Take everything one step at a time.

 

I highly second the recommendation that you force yourself to get out of bed, get your shoes on, and go out for a walk. Breathe deeply and pay attention to nature - the leaves on the trees, the clouds, the feel of the wind on your skin. You are here just like the trees and clouds and wind. You need to be here and there is a plan for you - just like the trees and clouds and wind.

[SmoochieFace]

i don't have the will anymore. i just don't.

 

So you're gonna just give up? Just like that? Over ONE FRIGGIN' MAN?!

 

Why?

 

If you have *given up* then why are you posting about it? It sounds to me that you have already made up your mind. Are you looking for some sort of approval or validation from us? Do you want us to feel sorry for you? What are you seeking to gain from here?

 

I don't know your age but I don't understand why after X number of years you just want to throw the towel in. You're gonna have to tell us more than just the "I'm quitting" line. We've all heard that one many times - especially without any explanation.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

I'm scared that if I tell my doctor what's really going on...that I want to end it all...that he will force me into the mental ward. Then when I get out, all my stuff will be in the garbage, and I will have no home to go home to, and I really will have nothing left. This almost happened to me before. The only thing that saved me from losing my home then was that I had money in the bank. I don't now.

[blind_otter]

i don't have the will anymore. i just don't.

 

You are giving this man power over you. It is your choice to do so. And it is your choice whether to bow down to this, or to face it and take the power back.

 

Obviously you have some kind of will.You are posting on here. You are reaching out and people who don't even know you personally are reaching back, trying to lend you some support and strength because we have many of us been there before. Some of us lost babies, or family members, or broke up with men or women. But the suffering makes us similar.

 

Ultimately, it is your choice. Depression is, above all, a very selfish emotion. It makes it so you can't see anything but your own pain. It amplifies the pain. You friends and family are trying desperately to DISTRACT you because they know nothing else to do.

 

Even if you feel alone, you aren't. My thoughts are with you. I hope you choose to be strong for yourself, and no one else.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Do you want us to feel sorry for you? What are you seeking to gain from here?

 

No. But you could try being kind. And you're not.

[blind_otter]

No. But you could try being kind. And you're not.

 

A lot of people respond violently to anyone mentioning self-harm or suicide. Many people have lost loved ones to this.

 

I have been suicidal and attempted suicide before. I avoided being "baker acted" (as they say in FL) by voluntarily agreeing to counseling and the treatment program recommened by mental health professionals.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Let me make one thing very clear here. This isn't even about HIM anymore. His dumping me was the catalyst for why my depression has spiraled me downward. All it takes for someone with clinical depression to have their life shatter is to experience one traumatic life event that they can't cope with. Let me say it again for all you people who think I'm SO EFFING WEAK...THIS IS NOT ABOUT HIM!

[Lil Honey]

Jen:

 

You have to talk to the doctor. You can't second guess him. Most likely, he will prescribe some meds. (You need to tell him what you have tried and what doesn't work.) He will likely also give you a list of counselors to contact or his office will make an appointment for you.

 

Jen, if you "end it all" what would it matter if your stuff was gone? See? Your stuff gives you reason to move forward. So do it. Call your doctor.

[SmoochieFace]

No. But you could try being kind. And you're not.

 

I see you have the situation well under control.

 

I wish you well.

[Becoming]

I'm scared that if I tell my doctor what's really going on...that I want to end it all...that he will force me into the mental ward. Then when I get out, all my stuff will be in the garbage, and I will have no home to go home to, and I really will have nothing left. This almost happened to me before. The only thing that saved me from losing my home then was that I had money in the bank. I don't now.

 

 

Darlin, you're letting this fear suck the life right out of you. Tell the dr. this. S/he'll understand this if you give them all the info. They understand depression and that you're finding it hard to help yourself function. You also need a good therapist. Ask the dr. for a referral. But it's not going to get better on its own. So you need to see a dr.

 

What we're all trying to say is that you're mentally ill right now. There's no stigma in that. All of us suffer from it at one time or another. And, congratulations!, this is one of your times. If you were sick with any other kind of illness, you'd see a doc. Same thing.

 

So pick up the phone NOW to see someone.

[blind_otter]

Let me make one thing very clear here. This isn't even about HIM anymore. His dumping me was the catalyst for why my depression has spiraled me downward. All it takes for someone with clinical depression to have their life shatter is to experience one traumatic life event that they can't cope with. Let me say it again for all you people who think I'm SO EFFING WEAK...THIS IS NOT ABOUT HIM!

 

 

I'm sorry you are upset. Depression often makes people lash out at those seeking to aid them or give them support. Because the depressed individual is seeking to reinforce their very negative self image.

 

I have PTSD so I know on some level what you are talking about, but you have to understand that you have a responsibility to yourself to take care of what you need to do. When I lost both my babies, I suffered from severe post partum depression both times. My mother literally had to come to my house and drag me out of bed and force feed me and push me into the running shower.

 

I wanted to die, I wished that I could have died to save the life of my baby. She told me to get up, and fake it until I could make it on my own.

 

Sometimes, as an adult, you have to do unpleasant or even painful things. That is part of life. Dealing with the ickiness. Face it with grace and courage. That is the only thing you can do in the face of despair.

[whichwayisup]

I'm scared that if I tell my doctor what's really going on...that I want to end it all...that he will force me into the mental ward. Then when I get out, all my stuff will be in the garbage, and I will have no home to go home to, and I really will have nothing left. This almost happened to me before. The only thing that saved me from losing my home then was that I had money in the bank. I don't now.

 

I don't think that will happen, but if they admit you to the hospital it will be to help. IT won't be a forever thing Jen. Because of what you've been through and are feeling right now, being alone is only going to make it worse.

 

DR's won't lock you up, you're not crazy...You're feeling awful right now. Please if you can, atleast call a hotline or something, anybody who can help and listen.

 

Just a word to those who are giving harsher advice, show some sympathy, k. I know some like to give constructive and tough love but honestly right now, Jen can't handle it nor should she have to.

[Lil Honey]

Well, FIRST of all . . . I think SF was posing questions for you to reflect on in order to bring you some awareness.

 

SECOND of all . . . no one said you are weak, but IF one is truely depressed, they tend to have thing which are compromised like their health, their judgements, etc.

 

THIRD of all . . . if his leaving prompted this, IMHO, it IS about him. Because if his leaving started it, your getting over it is going to end it.

 

FOURTH of all . . . your defensiveness/anger is interesting.

 

Good luck.

[Becoming]

Just a word to those who are giving harsher advice, show some sympathy, k. I know some like to give constructive and tough love but honestly right now, Jen can't handle it nor should she have to.

 

 

Hear, hear!

[alphamale]

most people with severe clinical depression would be totally bed-ridden for months. i had a relative who had an attack back in 1993 and he was in bed for about 10 weeks and lost probably 30 lbs. I think he uttered maybe 10 words during that whole time. He could not drive, eat, sleep, or even take a shower and needed someone around 24/7 to watch over him.

 

someone with severe clinical depression would be hard pressed to be at a computer posting on LS.

[witabix]

JJH....

 

Look into yourself. Look deeply. Its all gone now isn't it?

 

There is nothing there, no one to turn to, nowhere to go back to. Nothing behind you to back you up.

 

A few years ago I was there myself JJH. It is a scary and lonely place. It sucks big time.

 

Here's what I did. I contacted the Samaritans, by email. They are a volunteer group for despondent or depressed people to speak to.

 

I wrote to them about how my life seemed to be over, but I still appeared to be breathing. My health was ruined, the company I worked for let me go, both my parents had died recently, my kids weren't talking to me, I had no money, no self confidence and my SO was going to bars with other guys.

 

I considered the final step, had it planned. The means, the ending, even the music I would listen to. I had even considered the mess I would leave behind, and had a large plastic sheet in the yard.

 

I sent the email, because even in all that despair there was a tiny, tiny voice in my head. Screaming at me not to do this. To snap out of it, get some perspective, start thinking straight again. It was me lost in the darkness screaming at Despair to not kill me.

 

I got a reply. I read it. They didn't say anything magical. I just sat there and read it. Realised what kind of place I was standing in.

 

It was dark because I had made it dark. It was lonely because I had shut everyone else out. I was turned in on myself, eating away at my own soul. Everything was wrong.

 

Until I stopped and looked up from my self feasting and saw that there was a tomorrow, there will be another dawn. The fact that there was no one there gave me a freedom I had not had before, a freedom to be self--ish. To look out for myself, to take responsibility for myself.

 

I started to think clearer, made a goal for myself, started to work towards the goal. Life got brighter, slowly, but now it is bright all the time.

 

I have almost fallen into the chasm, I still get a wierd feeling when I think of it. As I am writing this. Life is too short to hurt yourself, and no one else can really hurt you like you hurt yourself.

 

If your friends aren't there, then they are not really friends. Your mom may be burned out by the situation too.

 

Your answers lie only within you, as mine did within me. No one else can save you only yourself.

 

Counselling can help, embrace the pain, use the energy it gives you. Show everyone that you are someone to be reckoned with, that you can be a success on your own.

 

f*** 'em all!! Thats what I said, I'll f***in' show 'em who's the better man. You do the same, show 'em who's the better woman. You.