Alone

[curly]

I'm not sure if you are familiar with me but I'm a long time poster & lurker. Your story has touched me. I just read it tonight & skipped a lot of the posts just to see your's. You really had them scared for a while.

 

Please realize that people, even virtual strangers, care about you. They don't know you but know that you are another human with deep, deep emotions, just like the rest of us. You are never alone. However, LS, as great as everyone is here, is a virtual support network.

 

Please find a real support network, therapist, support group (grief, maybe?) anything... just real people that can truly hug you. It really matters. Physical touch is very important. You need that right now. Even if it's just a moment from a stranger. Humans NEED human contact.

 

Regardless, LS is a great place to vent. I'm so relieved to see your demeanor and attitude is very much improved. Just know that you will have bad days again. Memories creep up and totally sideline you. Just don't spiral down again. Wait those times out and know that it gets better.

 

I think the thing with your friends and mom is a "tough love" thing. Maybe they're tired of your depression and have no idea how to help. They think maybe a slap in the face is the thing you need. Obviously not, but that's their reaction. They are only human as well. We all make mistakes and never really know how to help one another. Try not to take it too hard or personal. They are trying their best as well. They are just not reacting in a positive way for you. Be patient with them and try to explain that you are fragile. Ask them for patience as well. Friends are friends... they are there for you.... just not in the way you need. Explain what you need. But know that people not in the throes of extreme pain, don't really remember that pain in its most exquisite state. The human brain tends to block that horrible pain once recovered from it. So, they tell you to snap out of it. 'Cause they did. They just don't remember how long it took them to "snap" out of it.

 

I will suggest a book that I have found helpful - "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" by 3 writers (1 name - Bloomfield). It won't stop the pain... You will cry but it's a useful tool. I reread it constantly. It even says that it's not a book to be read but to be used. Check it out. Don't read it in a bookstore, though. You'll lose it. Order it online. It's cheap, soft cover....

 

Anyway, please know that people care. There is nothing, nothing, NOTHING worth ending your life. I completely understand hiding under the covers and making the world (cruel, evil world) go away. But eventually, we all have to come out - like it or not. There's a post on LS about how to maintain "No Contact" - it's relevance is that when you feel like your life is truly too horrible to survive, walk into a cancer / chemo clinic and chat about how bad your life is to those people facing the very real possibility of taking a dirt nap. Harsh words.. but true. I lost my father last May, actually watched him die. And as much as my heart breaks for my father and for the loss of my love (boyfriend) I wonder how he faced the grim reaper that day. I'm alive, you're alive..... nothing else is more important than that.

 

Wow, I guess I had some things to say.... Sorry for the lengthy post. I hope I've helped. Ignore the "tough love" thing, here & from your friends/family. Love yourself. Treat yourself as well as you treated your love/guy. Hug yourself, pamper yourself, talk to yourself kindly with loving words.

[witabix]

Thats good JJH.

 

Remember all our comcern for you is real. The arms that hold you here are 'virtual' but the care and concern for you is real.

 

Hugs.

[loony]

I'm so glad you got your job back. Being unemployed and sitting at home only makes things worse. You may feel it's nice to hide at home, but in fact being without money sucks and things only get worse when feelings of boredom and fears to be useless creep in.

 

And curly is right, the virtual community here is great, but try to build on your real life network.

 

Good luck

[NatoPMT]

JJh - just caught sight of this thread - hugs

 

You have taken control of your life. You could have sat back and watched things slip through your fingers but youve stopped the work/financial/homeless problems with one phone call. Your boss sounds wonderful, and you do have other wonderful people around you. Your mother although shes not being what you need her to be has pushed you into something positive.

 

Youve done so well, from what i read of your posts its seems to me as though you have a way of coping with this that is pragamatic and you find solutions, you are very resourceful. Time at the bottom of that pit never, ever means you wont be that resourceful imaginative person again that can wangle free meds. Even when you are at the bottom of that pit, you reached out and was led out or managed to scramble out yourself.

 

Kudos to you. BB

[Lonestar]

Jen, I am so happy you're doing better, and the tone of your posts sound so much stronger in the past couple days. Good deal on getting things straightened out with your job and for staying on top of your meds. You should be sooooo proud of yourself right now. Keep getting better, okay? And we're all here for you.

[Lil Honey]

I think the thing with your friends and mom is a "tough love" thing. They think maybe a slap in the face is the thing you need. Obviously not, but that's their reaction. They are only human as well. We all make mistakes and never really know how to help one another. Try not to take it too hard or personal. They are trying their best as well. They are just not reacting in a positive way for you. Ask them for patience as well. Explain what you need.

 

There is nothing, nothing, NOTHING worth ending your life.

 

But eventually, we all have to come out - like it or not. Harsh words.. but true. Ignore the "tough love" thing, here & from your friends/family.

 

Thank you! Well put. Now, THAT explains why one member shouldn't call another member an @sshole.

 

The only thing that I respectfully disagree with is to ignore those of us who said to "force yourself to do it." If she ignores something that MIGHT work she is allowing herself to stay in a rut. Maybe a little anger or defensiveness can be the driving force to get someone out of bed and moving again. What works for one person won't work for another, but to limit the alternatives reduces the chances of change.

[Mz. Pixie]

Wow! You all are so awesome and sweet! Thank you. You really don't know how much the kind people here helped me today.

 

In a way, my mom was right. Begging for my job back was the right thing to do. They didn't really know what was going on with me, and when I told my boss, he hugged me, said everything was going to be okay, and said "welcome back". I guess I'd also sort of misunderstood the voicemail he left me the other day. Everyone at work was so kind and caring, even though they didn't know the extent of things...only that I'd been sick with pneumonia....only my boss knows about the breakup. They all said that they missed me so much and were so happy to see me. I was blown away.

 

So today I did my best to immerse myself with work. It was hard, but I got through it. This morning while getting ready I had a really good cry to try and get as much of it out of my system as I could. That was good for me to do. My eyes might have been a puffy and bloodshot, but it helped for me to cry out as much of the pain as I could. And I only got a bit teary eyed a couple of times. But staying busy did help.

 

I'm just trying to focus on the fact that I got through the day (with a little help from a mild sedative). With the weekend coming up, I'm going to try and focus on doing practical things like errands....oil change....a bit of shopping...wash the car...etc. And I'm going to have a talk with my mom to get her to understand that I need her love and caring, and ask her to try and not to get frustrated with me, because I'm still feeling fragile.

 

Awwww, that's wonderful Jen. Good to hear. You know I went through something like this when my marriage ended, ended up being off work for around a month with a dr's excuse. Everyone was really caring about it actually and surprised me.

 

The thing is, when you're already prone to be depressed like you are (and me too) little things like that will blow you out of the water sometimes. I try really hard to get enough sleep, stay active and focus on the positive. Because if you don't you do what my husband calls "being a turtle". I stick my head in my shell until I feel it's safe to come out and you know what, it kind of feels good when you do it, even though you know it's not good for you in a way.

 

If your mom is not supportive, please do not let that set you back. You cannot control her or her emotions!! Even if your mom is not supportive, it doesn't mean your a bad person. Instead try to focus on the people who are supportive.

 

Staying busy, like working etc will help! I'm so glad you're feeling better!

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Thanks everyone. As for my mom, she does try. But she admits that she doesn't understand clinical depression, and she does try to read up on it so she can learn how to help me. But it's frustrating for her. I get very frustrated at myself. It's hard to deal with someone rationally, when their irrational brain takes over. And it wasn't so much what people said that helped me to start to climb out of the darkness, but it was my own fear of things getting even worse. And I knew things would if I was homeless, as much as I was feeling detached and didn't care....there was a tiny bit of me that did. I think it was guilt. I didn't want my mom to have to give up her life to take care of me. She's had her own rough life. And I didn't want to let her down. Again. Even though she swears I could never let her down. She's the only one in the whole world who's always loved me unconditionally through good and bad. She's not a perfect mother...there really is no such thing...but she's my mom and I love her.

[witabix]

Keep going JJH, you are getting there.....

 

Remember well that your mom loves you, and you love her.

 

Thats a bond that cannot be broken.

[alphamale]

Thanks everyone.

well i'm sure everyone is glad you're doing better...