Best friend becomes a lover

[Toronto]

What a confusing situation.

 

2 months ago I became very close friends with a guy. We were already acquaintances for some time and became close when we were both going through breakups around the same time. He became my best friend and support system.

 

We speak completely openly about everything and are extremely comfortable with each other. Last week he crashed at my place and I ended up sleeping in his arms for some of the night. I hadn't thought about him romantically but his arms felt very good. I should have known then what was brewing.

 

2 nights ago he spent the night at my place again. This time I went directly to lying in his arms and we were very cuddly. It was like heaven. We slept on and off during the night but mostly we cuddled and it started to get a bit charged. At some point I said to him 'What a wonderfully confusing relationship we have' and he agreed. I asked him if we should cross that bridge now or later, talk now or put it off. We talked about it a little bit but it was a bit vague. We established that were really good friends, that we didn't want to spoil the friendship and that we wouldn't because we care for each other and that it be would fine. Nothing really conclusive. We talked about how we didn't want to limit each other (we've both been dating and he particularly has enjoyed a few conquests) and that it wasn't really friends with benefits because that sounds casual and we were closer than that. We were just so extremely attracted to each other and then he kissed me and it was wonderful. From there I let my guard down completely and we had wonderful passionate sex.

 

The next day I felt giddy and excited. I left him sleeping in my bed because he had the day off and I had to hit the office. All day I kept thinking very assumptive thoughts about how nice it would be to be with him again, that I wanted to repeat the events of last night again and again. I started to imagine what he would be like as my boyfriend and what a cool kind of relationship we might have since we started with such a good friendship. I knew that we needed a good long talk and that it would all be fine and that we'd work something out, but I couldn't help but wish that the road would lead more towards a relationship than just back to straight friendship. Very dangerous thoughts.

 

Last night we didn't really end up getting to talk because I'd assumed that we would go out in the evening together (we went the previous Tuesday to a regular event we like to hit) but then he got a call from a girl he was supposed to go out on a date with. She kept pushing it back and he couldn't really get out of it. He said he'd go out for dinner with her and hopefully be done early and give me a call. When he did call it was close to 11:30pm and she was over at his place having tea. I said it was fine, to have a good time and we'd talk tomorrow. When I got off the phone I imagined that they would probably end up sleeping together and how only a few days before I would have liked him to tell me about how he scored but now I felt jealous. I felt foolish for letting myself be vulnerable to having romantic feelings for him because I should know better. He isn't looking for a relationship right now. I just kind of thought that with me, because of our unique friendship, maybe it would be different but that was dumb of me.

 

This morning he called me and he made a point of telling me that nothing happened last night but I said it was ok, not to worry about it. I told him that I didn't want anything to be wierd between us and that I wanted to have one of our good long talks and that then everything would be ok.

 

So tonight I'm going to see him and we're going to talk. I have no idea what he's thinking or feeling. Well, I do know that he thought it was equally nice and that he cares about me, but I guess I'm about to find out if that was just sex for him between close friends or if he might also be wondering what it would be like if I were his girlfriend.

 

I guess that one way or another this is a very good distraction from a depressing breakup that I've recently gone through. On the other hand I'm very much on the rebound so I have to be careful.