nodegas Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 Hi- just stumbled onto this forum, so sorry to be an interloper who's immediately pleading for perspective-- but mine is blurred and unreliable. quick summary of my situation-- have been with a guy for almost two and a half years, through some rocky situations (his alcoholism and recovery, ups and downs he's had with his mother). He broke up with me last spring, shortly after relapsing and after he decided he needed a fresh start in his life. This was painful, but after several months I got a new job and moved into a new place, and was doing well. We had stayed friends/lovers throughout this time, so it ended up being like we had broken up in name onluy. I ultimately asked him if he could see a future for us again, otherwise I wanted to date someone at work. He said, no, couldn't see a future. I started seeing someone else. After a few months, he started to fall apart and began drinking. I helped him get back into treatment. After a few weeks, he called and asked me to take him back, that he realized now that he had "clarity" that I was the love of his life and he wanted to make it work. I refused, said I loved him as a friend but that was all. He persevered for months, calling, visiting, sending things. Finally, I broke up with the other person and took him back. After two months he proposed. Then he stopped going to his AA meetings, has become tired and depressed, (although no drinking, thank God) and I offered to give the ring back and revert to girlfriend status until he's less stressed out. He then sobbingly confessed last week that he's not ready for ANY of this after all. That he realizes that maybe a part of his feelings for me died, after I rejected him for several months (he's quoting something I had said about him, before I decided to give him another chance). He is now calling me constantly, sobbing and talking, came up to visit the other night because he missed me, says he doesn't know what to do because he loves me so much, I'm his best friend, etc., but doesn't know if he can do this. So, he's breaking up with me but staying with me. I'm completely confused and exhausted. Any chance that if I hold on and be patient this will work out? or am I sucker? I do know that I don't know what to do. thanks for any and all observations!! Link to post Share on other sites
Tender Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 I am a newbie here too. I have recently divorced from my spouse of 7 years, and have not been able to let go. We have been through many ups and downs, most recently infidelity, which led to our demise. My ex is an alcoholic, although he has not admitted it yet. I don't think there is any hope for reconciliation, or we may reconcile, but we will not be happy. I don't think you can change the personality, the goals (or lack of goals), of an alcoholic (recovered or not). I know it is hard, I am hardly one to give advice as I am still holding on, but I would walk away if you can. You have been through enough abuse, and as long as you let him do it, he will. I have decided to move on, but my intention in moving on and distancing myself, is hoping that my -ex will realize what he had done and start admitting some problems and getting help, for himself. If not, I am one step in the right direction. Find the strength to believe in yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nodegas Posted February 1, 2006 Author Share Posted February 1, 2006 Thanks for sharing your own experience, and for the reminder to take care of myself-- I always find that one particularly hard! I guess what's difficult is he was doing so well with recovery, I was trying to support that (al-anon, etc., and just being a friend) and it still went horribly wrong. AUGH!! Anyway, I really appreciate your response, and think you're taking an amazing tack-- taking that first step for you. I hope I get that brave!! Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Pulling the drink from an alcoholic's hand will not keep him from drinking. Loving an alcoholic will not make him love you, nor stop him from being an alcoholic. But staying with an alcoholic can make you put a drink in your own hand and forget how to love yourself. Leave. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Author nodegas Posted February 2, 2006 Author Share Posted February 2, 2006 But staying with an alcoholic can make you put a drink in your own hand and forget how to love yourself. Leave. -Rio Thanks, Rio, for the infusion of clarity! You're right-- this whole situation has been dragging me down to new depths of craziness. I appreciate the wake-up call... Link to post Share on other sites
Tender Posted February 5, 2006 Share Posted February 5, 2006 Wow - that is very will put. I have copied this and taped it to my fridge. Brought tears to my eyes - and I am sure many can associate themselves with these words. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
LawGirl Posted February 5, 2006 Share Posted February 5, 2006 was going to suggest Al-Anon and see that you have already tried that venue. Best wishes Link to post Share on other sites
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