loving 2 women

[artension]

I've been married to a Japanese woman for 13 years. We have 2 children, ages 12 and 10. If my wife has any fault it might be her lack of passion. Meanwhile I have been involved with a single Korean lady for nearly 4 years. Our relationship started at a part time job I was working. Although I don't work there anymore the relationship continues. WHY? This woman responds perfectly to my emotional and physical needs. I constantly feel her love for me, while at home, there is more of a comfortable relaxed friendship vibe. I realize for some people the "fire" glows less brightly with time and the pressures of raising a family, but not to this extent. Mind you, my wife loves me deeply and takes care of me in every other way, she just does it in "her own way" and I deeply need the visual love my Korean lady gives me. The Korean lady and I often discuss marriage, however, I am very reluctant to leave the stability of my marriage and especially to hurt this woman who has done the very best she can for me all these years, and who really "has done nothing wrong to deserve divorce". She knows of my relationship with this woman, but believes it is over at this time. After seeing the Korean woman for so long however, I am aware that she is more than a casual affair, for when I have tried to break it off with her, several times, I have missed her deeply and never recieved the peace of ming that I though fidelity would bring. Is there any advice out there?

[marzipan75]

Sounds like you have a decision to make and you're almost half way there. Think about your wife and what your extra marital relationship would do to her if she knew. It's been going on for four years? I think you are a bit comfortable with the situation and somewhere in there you need to make a decision between these two women. You are hurting your wife more by remaining in the marriage with her and yet sharing another side of yourself with this other woman. You made your bed now you have to lie in it.

 

I'm not trying to offend you here but you can't have your cake and eat it. You are not being fair to either of these two women, least of all your wife. It sounds like you love your wife but are not "in love" with her. It also sounds like you are scared of leaving your wife because maybe once you do that, your feelings for this other woman may change? Is that what you're afraid of? You need to be honest with yourself. Why are you still married? You can't right the wrongs you've already done your wife by cheating on her but you can do right by her by making a decison to either end your affair or get a divorce.

 

Once the truth comes out, do you think your wife will be so loving and friendly towards you? I wouldn't bet on it. 13 years is a long time to be with someone, so it sounds like you have some thinking to do. Think about what you want, think about your wife and children and this other woman. You have a big decision you need to make.

 

Marz

I've been married to a Japanese woman for 13 years. We have 2 children, ages 12 and 10. If my wife has any fault it might be her lack of passion. Meanwhile I have been involved with a single Korean lady for nearly 4 years. Our relationship started at a part time job I was working. Although I don't work there anymore the relationship continues. WHY? This woman responds perfectly to my emotional and physical needs. I constantly feel her love for me, while at home, there is more of a comfortable relaxed friendship vibe. I realize for some people the "fire" glows less brightly with time and the pressures of raising a family, but not to this extent. Mind you, my wife loves me deeply and takes care of me in every other way, she just does it in "her own way" and I deeply need the visual love my Korean lady gives me. The Korean lady and I often discuss marriage, however, I am very reluctant to leave the stability of my marriage and especially to hurt this woman who has done the very best she can for me all these years, and who really "has done nothing wrong to deserve divorce". She knows of my relationship with this woman, but believes it is over at this time. After seeing the Korean woman for so long however, I am aware that she is more than a casual affair, for when I have tried to break it off with her, several times, I have missed her deeply and never recieved the peace of ming that I though fidelity would bring. Is there any advice out there?

[midori]

You don't say where you are living, nor do you mention your own ethnic background but I'm going to assume that you're a Caucasian living in America -- am I right? How much do you know about Asian cultural norms? It is common for Japanese people to view marriage as first and foremost a partnership, an enterprise whose purpose is to create a harmonious, stable family. You say that

while at home, there is more of a comfortable relaxed friendship vibe.

which is right in line with that mode of thinking. If she's operating under that assumption, your wife may not even realize that there are things which are lacking in your marriage, things which you require. Have you discussed this with her? Why did you marry her in the first place -- was there "visual love" and passion at the beginning? If so, what happened? Have you even tried to cultivate or re-kindle passion with her?

 

I think that very few people who cheat admit to themselves that what they are doing is purely dishonorable and selfish. It's common to come up with rationalizations and reasonable sounding self-justifications. But the bottom line is this: you need to make a choice. Stick with your marriage vows or get out of the marriage. Don't kid yourself that there is any integrity in this middle road -- you're insulting your wife every time you meet your lover. If you have inflexible needs that your wife is aware of but cannot or will not meet then your marriage isn't going to work and you must admit that and get out. Marriage is for grown-ups and grown-ups must make choices. You know your wife wouldn't be able to accept this other woman's continued presence in your life if she knew about her. You're deliberately deceiving your wife, withholding information so that she can't make the choice you're unwilling to make yourself. That's very weak, very immature, and it will almost certainly catch up with you sooner or later.

 

Now if you're asking for opinions about whether or not you'd be happier with the other woman -- I don't think anyone here can say, since you know yourself and the two women involved and we don't. But consider: your other woman may be sugar and spice now, but that could be because she's still trying to win you away from your wife. You really have no idea what she'd be like to live with. You might also find that the spark between you and this other woman is as much due to the illicit nature of your relationship as it is to the chemistry between you. Take away the danger and secrecy and will you find yourself as uninspired with her as you currently seem to be with your wife? Only you can answer that.

 

What does seem clear is that you need to ask yourself some hard questions -- not just about what you should do regarding your current situation but about what you want and what drives you to behave as you have.

[Artlover]

Jesus Christ. Not to be harsh, but what exactly is your question? Do you want someone to assauge your guilty conscience? If so, you're unlikely to find that here.

 

Honestly, I don't see what the problem is. You've got the wife and kids and stability at home. And you've got the hot sex with your mistress elsewhere. Where's the problem? You have so many rationalizations and excuses ready, it doesn't sound like you want to make any real changes.

 

I think you know what you should do. Pick a woman!

You don't say where you are living, nor do you mention your own ethnic background but I'm going to assume that you're a Caucasian living in America -- am I right? How much do you know about Asian cultural norms? It is common for Japanese people to view marriage as first and foremost a partnership, an enterprise whose purpose is to create a harmonious, stable family. You say that which is right in line with that mode of thinking. If she's operating under that assumption, your wife may not even realize that there are things which are lacking in your marriage, things which you require. Have you discussed this with her? Why did you marry her in the first place -- was there "visual love" and passion at the beginning? If so, what happened? Have you even tried to cultivate or re-kindle passion with her? I think that very few people who cheat admit to themselves that what they are doing is purely dishonorable and selfish. It's common to come up with rationalizations and reasonable sounding self-justifications. But the bottom line is this: you need to make a choice. Stick with your marriage vows or get out of the marriage. Don't kid yourself that there is any integrity in this middle road -- you're insulting your wife every time you meet your lover. If you have inflexible needs that your wife is aware of but cannot or will not meet then your marriage isn't going to work and you must admit that and get out. Marriage is for grown-ups and grown-ups must make choices. You know your wife wouldn't be able to accept this other woman's continued presence in your life if she knew about her. You're deliberately deceiving your wife, withholding information so that she can't make the choice you're unwilling to make yourself. That's very weak, very immature, and it will almost certainly catch up with you sooner or later. Now if you're asking for opinions about whether or not you'd be happier with the other woman -- I don't think anyone here can say, since you know yourself and the two women involved and we don't. But consider: your other woman may be sugar and spice now, but that could be because she's still trying to win you away from your wife. You really have no idea what she'd be like to live with. You might also find that the spark between you and this other woman is as much due to the illicit nature of your relationship as it is to the chemistry between you. Take away the danger and secrecy and will you find yourself as uninspired with her as you currently seem to be with your wife? Only you can answer that. What does seem clear is that you need to ask yourself some hard questions -- not just about what you should do regarding your current situation but about what you want and what drives you to behave as you have.

[artension]

Marz,

 

Thanks for your quick reply. Sometimes it's good to

 

hear it from someone else. Points well taken.

 

Dan

Sounds like you have a decision to make and you're almost half way there. Think about your wife and what your extra marital relationship would do to her if she knew. It's been going on for four years? I think you are a bit comfortable with the situation and somewhere in there you need to make a decision between these two women. You are hurting your wife more by remaining in the marriage with her and yet sharing another side of yourself with this other woman. You made your bed now you have to lie in it. I'm not trying to offend you here but you can't have your cake and eat it. You are not being fair to either of these two women, least of all your wife. It sounds like you love your wife but are not "in love" with her. It also sounds like you are scared of leaving your wife because maybe once you do that, your feelings for this other woman may change? Is that what you're afraid of? You need to be honest with yourself. Why are you still married? You can't right the wrongs you've already done your wife by cheating on her but you can do right by her by making a decison to either end your affair or get a divorce.

 

Once the truth comes out, do you think your wife will be so loving and friendly towards you? I wouldn't bet on it. 13 years is a long time to be with someone, so it sounds like you have some thinking to do. Think about what you want, think about your wife and children and this other woman. You have a big decision you need to make.

 

Marz

[artension]

Midori,

 

I appreciate you taking the time to write this detailed reply to a complete stranger. I really needed to get some "outside" opinions on this.

 

I think that there is a lot of truth im what you said. I have told the Korean lady many times that of we got together permanently, the "excitement of the chase" would

 

wear down, but she insists that she will always love me the same way - having been thru a rough divorce and been single for 13 years, she feels, justifies those words. I'm not so sure. Also, you made a good point discussing the oreiental perspective. I have never heard that exactly the way you discussed it. It helped clarify a lot of things.

 

Thank you again for your reply, Midori. It did what I needed it to do - got me thinking with the "right head"

You don't say where you are living, nor do you mention your own ethnic background but I'm going to assume that you're a Caucasian living in America -- am I right? How much do you know about Asian cultural norms? It is common for Japanese people to view marriage as first and foremost a partnership, an enterprise whose purpose is to create a harmonious, stable family. You say that which is right in line with that mode of thinking. If she's operating under that assumption, your wife may not even realize that there are things which are lacking in your marriage, things which you require. Have you discussed this with her? Why did you marry her in the first place -- was there "visual love" and passion at the beginning? If so, what happened? Have you even tried to cultivate or re-kindle passion with her? I think that very few people who cheat admit to themselves that what they are doing is purely dishonorable and selfish. It's common to come up with rationalizations and reasonable sounding self-justifications. But the bottom line is this: you need to make a choice. Stick with your marriage vows or get out of the marriage. Don't kid yourself that there is any integrity in this middle road -- you're insulting your wife every time you meet your lover. If you have inflexible needs that your wife is aware of but cannot or will not meet then your marriage isn't going to work and you must admit that and get out. Marriage is for grown-ups and grown-ups must make choices. You know your wife wouldn't be able to accept this other woman's continued presence in your life if she knew about her. You're deliberately deceiving your wife, withholding information so that she can't make the choice you're unwilling to make yourself. That's very weak, very immature, and it will almost certainly catch up with you sooner or later. Now if you're asking for opinions about whether or not you'd be happier with the other woman -- I don't think anyone here can say, since you know yourself and the two women involved and we don't. But consider: your other woman may be sugar and spice now, but that could be because she's still trying to win you away from your wife. You really have no idea what she'd be like to live with. You might also find that the spark between you and this other woman is as much due to the illicit nature of your relationship as it is to the chemistry between you. Take away the danger and secrecy and will you find yourself as uninspired with her as you currently seem to be with your wife? Only you can answer that. What does seem clear is that you need to ask yourself some hard questions -- not just about what you should do regarding your current situation but about what you want and what drives you to behave as you have.