I Never Thought... More Pain, More Sorrow - His One Night Stand

[a.Muse]

I entered my relationship with my current bf of 3.5 yrs after a very physically, emotionally and mentally abusive marriage in which my ex-h cheated on me continuously and made frequent trips to prostitutes. Thankfully, when I left that marriage, I tested negative for any STDs. Unfortunately, my soul had a bit of healing to do after going through five years of battering.

 

I met my bf and we hit it off. We had so many common interests, liked each other and all in all, I thought (and many others) we had the perfect relationship. We loved each other, understood each other, knew what our insecurities were and worked earnestly to be a source of support, love and comfort for each other. We promised each other that we would always let the other person know if things got to the point that cheating. We were working towards a future together.

 

In the last year or so, things weren't the same.. He used to say "I guess the honeymoon is over" when we got into fights about normal things like our schedules, household chores, etc. It started out that I felt that he was being more distant and I attributed that to a recent promotion that came with more stress and twice the workload. I just didn't get his attention when I needed to talk to him about what I though was wrong in our relationship. Don't get me wrong, we still had a lot of fun together, but IMO it was a way to hang on to whatever connection we had at that point in our lives (which was full of stress from both ends). In spite of all that, and what some others though as disrespectful flirting on his end (I allowed it as he felt that it was his way of feeding his ego as he never felt that he was very attractive - I had enough self-confidence to know that it was harmless - wish I thought differently) I felt we still had a connection, I still felt that I was the only one he had eyes for. I still felt loved. I still felt beautiful. I always thought that we would be able to work through anything because I trusted him and knew that he loved me.

 

Everything fell apart...

 

He went on a business trip and while there, we had a few small fights due to 1) My insecurity that there were prostitutes that propositioned him last time he was at that location and the memories of my ex as well as the actions of my some of my male friends. I trusted him implicitly but I couldn't help but to make sure that it was a route that he wouldn't take. 2) Stress from ongoing events in our life 3) Lack of communication from him while he was so far away.

 

It is normal for him to go out to the bars and clubs by himself if he is traveling by himself. I never gave it a second thought. I didn't want him to stay in his hotel room if that was something he didn't want to do. My stance had always been that he was responsible for his own actions. I trusted him enough not even think about controlling his whereabouts when we are apart. After all, I am not his babysitter, I am not his parent and I trusted him. He also often reminded me (and others in our circle) that cheating was the most demeaning and worst thing someone could do while in a relationship.

 

I was diagnosed with an STD not long after he returned and not by any infidelity on my part. It all came out.. He was completely trashed at a bar there when he was started talking to a woman who went up to the bar to buy a drink. He bought her a drink, continued on his usual spiel, talked, flirted and before he knew it, he agreed to go back to her hotel so they could have another drink. Come on now…. Like he didn’t know what was going to happen there!!! He thought that it would be an ego boost, was intent on continuing to receive the flattery he got from this woman and thought that he would leave after the drink. So, they were in her hotel room having more drinks and it lead up to making out and eventually sex. I am crushed. Not only did he do something that went against everything he told me and everything that he believed in but I am now at risk of infertility as a result of his actions. I asked him why and he said that it was his intoxication, the thrill of being so blatantly pursued by someone different who in his words was not hot but not “unattractive” but was so direct in her advances that it made him feel attractive that it became very difficult for him to not want to have sex with her. When it did eventually get to that point, it wasn’t until after he realized what he was really doing that he stopped (after five minutes of f*cking???? – I should think that it would take less time and even being in the hotel room with her.  ) pulled his pants up and fled the room.

 

I am obviously still trying to figure out what to do. I can understand how he may have had a moment of weakness in light of his insecurities… e.g. he’s overweight, his temples are greying, etc. but I had done everything in my power to try and make him feel better about himself. I would consider myself to be very intelligent and also attractive based on the amount of attention I receive from other men. I am quite a bit younger than him, though 7 years is not a huge difference when you are in your late 20’s, mid 30’s and cannot understand for one moment how he could sacrifice our history and my heart for the sake of a half-complete one night stand. I am at wits end and I no longer feel like I have very much to live for. I need help…

 

Can anyone explain to me how and why this can happen or why someone who was so against it and claimed to be in love with me, do this to me? What does that say about his true feelings for me (in spite of repeating over and over again that he does love me??? He was so drunk that he didn’t even think to protect himself or me  I am waiting for the results of additional tests and do not know what I will do when I get the results back. Someone help please.

[cygny]

Wow. I think you have been really blindsided, haven't you? All that history and trust, and now you have an STD.

 

You ask what that says about certain things--

 

I think it means you need to get to the bottom of what is going on in your relationship, and that won't be easy for you because right now you are very hurt and you have every reason to be.

 

A couple of things that occur to me just from your post--

 

It sounds like you are growing apart, or things between you have gone a bit stale. You are trying to get the closeness back, he seems to be pulling away and distancing himself. The only way for you to deal with this is to stop being clingy and recenter yourself. Get your focus back on you and something else like your job and put him to the side. Take a break or end the relationship if things don't start improving dramatically, because this sort of thing will drain you and make you a wreck.

 

At the same time, the story sounds fishy, like he made this up as the least hurtful and damaging story he could think of. Honey, I'm sorry, but it wouldn't surprise me in the least if your man had had more than one ONS, and who knows for how long. Flirting, going to bars and clubs when a guy is alone and travelling is really just asking for temptation, especially if he does not control his drinking and gets drunk. I feel you have been too trusting about certain things, but ultimately it comes down to his betrayal. I don't think you can trust this man, not now. He's broken that trust. Just my take.

 

Your relationship seems to be entering a more complicated stage that may not end well. Try to become more realistic and knowing, but beware of becoming bitter. I wish you all the best in dealing with your STD as well as your heartache.

[a.Muse]

We've been talking about this extensively and during which I've asked him for more detail than I should have I have my doubts as to whether he has done this before but then again, my judgement of his character is faulty as I see now. My question (more like me looking for an excuse) is whether it is possible for something like this to happen. Has it happened to anyone else, what the reasons were in their regards.... He still can't figure out why or how he allowed this to happen aside from being way too drunk and being the object of someone elses's sexual aggression. What does that make me? I wonder sometimes if his being questioned "How did you get a girl like that?" made him more susceptible to cheat.. Also, I can say that I was too trusting but I had no reason not to trust him. I am so sad that he wasn't strong enough or didn't have enough self control to stop himself and I want to know the reasons why after 3.5 yrs (mostly happy) together. Can I forgive it in light of everything he knows about my past and still he did it?

[cygny]

It sounds like you're starting to play mind games with yourself. Be careful with that. Yes you are looking for an excuse and also looking for assurance that it won't happen again.

 

There are some simple facts here.

 

You are never going to know for sure what is going on inside your bf's mind. You need to accept that and not pursue that line of questioning or you will drive yourself nuts.

 

Simple facts are--no your love and your relationship was NOT enough to keep him from cheating. Despite everything he said, he has now been shown to be imperfect if not deceitful. Can you trust him again?

 

My question is, what has changed? why should you trust him now?

 

He seems vulnerable to female flattery and when his inhibitions are down with drink and loneliness he succumbs to temptation. He doesn't seem willing to put brakes on his behavior to avoid being vulnerable and in those situations. So first off he seems to lack the necessary willpower or strength of character.

 

Add to that it seems like the infatuation stage of your relationship is over. Now is when you need a person who has staying power and a strong character.

 

There are many nice guys who are "attention whores". In fact, I suspect that one of the reason they are nice guys is to get attention--that is their technique. I was in a relationship with one, and the minute it hit a rough spot he was sucking up female attention elsewhere. It wasn't even a conscious choice on his part. No he never did change or get over it.

 

Can you forgive it? Sure. But that doesn't mean it won't happen again. Is it a one-off? Who knows? But it does sound like he is distancing himself and you are starting to cling. That is a bad combination and if you don't catch yourself it will end up pushing him away.

 

Be kind and good to yourself. You deserve a relationship that is solid and rewarding. Do whatever you need to do to get one.

[a.Muse]

I was due to visit his family the week after it happened and needless to say, I don't think he wanted to open this can of worms before I arrived. In addition, I had several ongoing projects that were very important and the stress of his confession (as he says) would have prevented me from performing well. Unfortunately, it all came out right before the most important week and I failed miserably because of the symptoms of the STD that came out and the inevitable confrontation. He was going to tell me but wanted to wait until things got to a less stressful point for me.

 

I would be lying if I said that I didn't love him. He wants to do whatever possible to make this up to me but I just can't see how he can. What makes me even angrier is that for a while there, he was saying.. "I already said I was sorry.. what more can I do if you don't tell me?" I would think that he would do everything in his power to...... The deed has been done, my heart is broken and now I have an STD - the results are due anytime now. Our relationship is broken as I see it now and I don't know what to do to fix it.

 

BTW, the reason why his cheating was so unfathomable to me is that he'd picked out a ring in August and had planned on proposing to me on New Year's Eve. (This I know from close friends who helped him plan it out) We had our little tiffs and fights but I thought we were stronger than that. Right now, I have asked him not to discuss this with anyone since (so we can work through this without our friends knowing) but I'm not sure that it is such a great idea anymore. At this very moment, he is actually on a business trip returning to the same city (later on this week) where he did this. I am a mess but at the same time, I feel myself not caring

 

The same questions are still plaguing me:

1) Am I getting the entire truth about that night?

 

2) If it was so easy for him to cheat (after knowing this woman for only 1 hr at the bar) and if it was it was so easy for him not to stop after making out with her, how many times has he done this before?

 

3) What was it about the other woman that made him think that he couldn't pass up the opportunity? I am beautiful, smart and the best girlfriend anyone could ask for but he wanted to screw someone who he didn't really think was that hot? 7 on his scale - What's the point there? I'd like to think that I was his "once in a lifetime" opportunity. I can't see how he can say that he loves me so much.

 

4) If he can't come up with a reason (without my leading questions) as to why he did it - what does that mean?

 

5) Could he have truly been so hammered that this happened? We didn't even have unsafe sex until after a year of dating and he has unsafe sex with some stranger?????

 

I hate feeling like a victim... but I feel myself falling further and further into despair

[a.Muse]

What has changed?

 

He doesn't drink himself to a stupor and he makes sure that I am feeling ok if we are out socializing.

 

My feelings are these are things that he should have done from the get-go and not because he messed up.

 

He places no blame on me for what he did and blames only himself for his self-destructive behavior and "ruining the best thing that ever happened to me for momentary excitement"

 

These words make my stomach turn with disgust. With respect to my request for complete honesty from him, it just tears me apart when he says that "Yes, I wanted to f*ck her and no, I wouldn't have done it if I didn't think that she was ugly - but I was drunk and can't recall too many of the details except that she was there on business and wanted me."

 

UGH

 

He's brought his webcam with him and installing it in his hotel room so I can see him whenever I feel weird. Funny thought occurred to me, if you catch a kid stealing cookies from a jar, it'll be a while before they will even consider doing it because they know that they're being watched....

[cygny]

The same questions are still plaguing me:

1) Am I getting the entire truth about that night?

 

2) If it was so easy for him to cheat (after knowing this woman for only 1 hr at the bar) and if it was it was so easy for him not to stop after making out with her, how many times has he done this before?

 

3) What was it about the other woman that made him think that he couldn't pass up the opportunity? I am beautiful, smart and the best girlfriend anyone could ask for but he wanted to screw someone who he didn't really think was that hot? 7 on his scale - What's the point there? I'd like to think that I was his "once in a lifetime" opportunity. I can't see how he can say that he loves me so much.

 

4) If he can't come up with a reason (without my leading questions) as to why he did it - what does that mean?

 

5) Could he have truly been so hammered that this happened? We didn't even have unsafe sex until after a year of dating and he has unsafe sex with some stranger?????

 

I hate feeling like a victim... but I feel myself falling further and further into despair

 

Hey girl-- What you should NOT do is start doubting yourself and your own attractiveness. When a guy cheats like this, it has EVERYTHING to do with him and nothing to do with the partner.

 

What you really want is assurance that this is a one-off under unusual circumstances and won't happen again. The answer to that question is entirely within your bf's makeup and this may be the most difficult part for you to come to terms with, because it sounds like you thought you had found a haven in him. But better to find out now than after a wedding, believe me. This may be a blessing in disguise, though difficult to go through right now.

 

Here are probable answers to your questions:

 

1-The full truth about that night is probably a little worse.

2-Yes, he *could* have done this before. Whether he did is unknown. Perhaps he's tried it before and got away with it so did it again. Or maybe this really is the first time. How would you know?

3-It was simply an opportunity and he took it. he wasn't thinking about you at the time. Lots of men like this. Doesn't mean that she was better in any way. It's not about you at all.

4-It means he had selfish reasons and didn't want to admit it. He's a man. He doesn't think like you. It was free sex and an ego boost and he thought there would be no consequences. Without strings or ramifications.

5-Yes its possible. But that is the problem--getting drunk when in a vulnerable situation will often lead to trysts, etc. Have to remove the temptation--ie not be a person who gets drunk or goes to bars where women will always throw themselves at a guy.

 

Have you thought of trying counselling with your bf? Maybe there is a way to get at some of the underlying issues and resolve them and repair your relationship?

[a.Muse]

Bars and clubs are comfort zones for the both of us so I am not so sure that he knows how to have fun in any other way....

 

We are both very close friends with people in the nightlife industry. This is the medium that we met in, and how we had identified ourselves individually (socially) prior to meeting each other. So, it is not unusual for either of us to party and I will say that I have done the same when I travel alone [e.g. go out and meet people - not for sex/relationship but because of the common interests in music. I ALWAYS make it very clear that I am involved with someone - litmus test for assh*les I wouldn't want to be friends with.. the ones that are insistent.. well. ]

 

However, having taken himself out of the comfort and familiarity of his usual circle where he felt accepted, where he felt liked, (and sad to say, one of the "cool" kids - terrible how issues in our formative years stay around like a bad rash - where's the ointment? ), where he got a lot of attention from our mutual female friends and then putting himself in an alien environment where he is a virtual "unknown" probably reminded him of the lonely days of his youth when he was constantly ridiculed and was definitely not pursued by the opposite sex. It only became too easy for his insecurities to override any logic and allowed for nothing aside from fulfilling that need to be wanted, to be one of the guys that girls hit on. Unfortunate.

 

This, I came to as a conclusion after removing my emotions. What a clinical approach. I think I am looking for excuses. I've been in his shoes. Like I said, I was a very late bloomer and not the most popular person in high school, so I understand exactly what he felt. Or maybe not. Agh!

 

Is he weak? Yes.

Can I deal with that? I'm not sure.

Counseling required? Most definitely - I think he needs to go to ensure his future happiness with anyone.

 

Factors under consideration:

 

1) Behavior is out of character, he has never done this to anyone in the past and he is completely broken up that he went against his moral beliefs, destroyed my faith in him and any chance he had for happiness. More so out of character since he crucified certain female members of my family who do cheat habitually.

 

 

Additional Reasons Why He Cheated:

1) Mid life crisis - he no longer identifies himself as young. He's in his late 30's now, overweight, and graying.

So with that in mind and given the opportunity to screw some chick who wasn't necessarily unattractive and who was willing and drunk enough to have sex with him, he took it. He does not think that he is the type of guy that women approach, so this was an opportunity that he had to take??????

 

2)

 

3)

 

I am trying so hard to look for reasons to stay with him The chips are stacking up against him more and more..

[a.Muse]

He doesn't remember her name, what they spoke about, how she really looked like (aside from vague details), or where she lives. His claim is that she pulled his pants off, they fell around his ankles and she offered her crotch to him and he took it. He f*cked her for about 5 minutes but then decided to stop because what he was doing went against everything he ever stood for. Blah blah blah.. So after reaching that "epiphany" he promptly pulled up his pants and fled from the room. I don't think she was sober enough either to realize what was going on, to tell you quite frankly. The more I look at it, and the more he repeats it, I am beginning to see that he really isn't the type of guy that women would approach. I guess I was just in love with him and blinded myself.

[cygny]

no offense, but i think you were right when you said you were looking for excuses.

 

if you take an outside perspective, what you'd see is just another guy cheating and thinking he can get away with it and making up a story that he thinks might 'save' him. the fact that he gave you an STD makes your excuses seem really desperate. i'm sorry, but i'm pretty sure if this had happened to someone else, you would have advised them to drop him so fast his head would spin. yes?