CaliGuy Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 The evil day approaches - "Valentines Day." If you are on strict NC I want to remind you of the following. * Do not send her flowers. * Do not call her. * Do not email her. * Do not IM her. * Do not send her gifts of any kind (No chocloates, no Bears, etc.) * Do not text/sms her. NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND! Do not make any attempt to contact her just because it's Valentine's Day. Chances are if she is seeing someone else it will backfire. On top of that you put yourself back at square one if she doesn't respond or worse, says something mean to you. The point of being on NC is to heal yourself and show them you can get along fine without them. When you break NC you show them you're still pining after them. If they try and make contact with you, please don't reply. You're busy. You have a life, things to do, friends to see and dates to make. You're doing great without them in your life. *This message courtesy of someone who has been through all this crap before and knows the pitfalls of contacting an Ex that doesn't want you in her life. If you want to maintain your self-respect and dignity, do not break NC!* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AltplanB Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 To all the men out ther: If you want back your balls, then no calls. Its gonna be hard for me but caliguy is right. Link to post Share on other sites
kgal Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 WAIT A SECOND HERE... Ok.. I know that in some cases, contact on V-Day is very dangerous... and No.. you shouldn't do it if you can't bear to lose your self - dignity or whatever. BUT!!! What if you are so in love.. and you just want to do something for the heck of it... what if you've been so lonely without them.. and you can't stop thinking of them? Heck.. how come a text isn't allowed?? I believe it is different in all cases...listen to your heart, do what it says. I've never heard of anyone losing anything over listening to the way their heart leads. I think no contact sucks and it is just a stupid thing.. unless you both really want to get over each other... you shouldn't be afraid to share how you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 What if you're lonely without them, you ask? Well, ask yourself why you're not with them now. Was that your choice or his? (I'm assuming you're a gal.) Are you sure he's not trying to get over you? If so then why aren't you speaking now? Go ahead and share how you feel with him. Come back and tell us how it goes. Tell us then that it's a "stupid thing." A lot of us used to think EXACTLY as you now do. It's only with experience that you will realize that NC is a good idea on so many levels. So please do it and be honest in telling us how it went. Good luck and I hope you will be the exception because for most of us, breaking NC, only makes us feel WORSE in the end, not better. Link to post Share on other sites
WindDrifter Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Lol Cali this made me laugh! Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Apathygrip Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 WAIT A SECOND HERE... Ok.. I know that in some cases, contact on V-Day is very dangerous... and No.. you shouldn't do it if you can't bear to lose your self - dignity or whatever. BUT!!! What if you are so in love.. and you just want to do something for the heck of it... what if you've been so lonely without them.. and you can't stop thinking of them? Heck.. how come a text isn't allowed?? I believe it is different in all cases...listen to your heart, do what it says. I've never heard of anyone losing anything over listening to the way their heart leads. I think no contact sucks and it is just a stupid thing.. unless you both really want to get over each other... you shouldn't be afraid to share how you feel. no, just stick to the plan man.NC or bust Link to post Share on other sites
gordon_gc Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Every situation is different however I do believe that as human being, we all have the same urgue to break NC when that kind of days are arounds. If you extend that concept to your ex, think he/she will have to face the big question too. Your strenght ?? you have the support of people at LS telling you what is the best thing to do, they don't. As a result, if they don't contact you, it only means 2 things : 1/ THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT U AS MUCH AS YOU DO. 2/ THEY ARE REALLY STRONG TO GO AGAINST WHAT THEY FEEL AND AT SOME POINT, THAT STRENGHT WILL FALL so just be patient and stick to NC. Breaking NC on Valentine's day is a beautiful thing to do but it might damage you more than doing any good and the only person you should consider at this point in time is yourself. You will suffer by being silent that day but you will suffer even more by contacting him/her. Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 If you were the dumper -- go for it, but if they don't respond, try to keep yourself from thinking that they aren't responding because they are too busy out banging their new found love interest on this special night.... If you were the dumpee -- if you do it, accept the fact the dumper now knows you are desperate and lonely on v-day Sorry... I'm a dark mood right now. I definitely recommend against it. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Notmakingsense, you made PERFECT sense. I'd rather be desperate and lonely on v-day than let someone who dumped me know that I'm desperate and lonely on v-day. Of course that way of thinking wasn't always my way of thinking. No offense to anyone but when I was young and dumb I didn't know that the pain of rejection and the loss of pride was WAY worse than just being lonely and desperate. The loneliness and desperation was temporary whereas the pain from the rejection and the blow to my ego was much less temporary. It has a way of staying with you for awhile. It's sort of a matter of it (NC) being the lesser of two evils. Pick your "poison." One is WAY worse than the other! No question about it. Love stinks sometimes. But when the RIGHT one comes along (as it FINALLY did for me 11 years ago) it's all worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted February 2, 2006 Author Share Posted February 2, 2006 Notmakingsense, you made PERFECT sense. I'd rather be desperate and lonely on v-day than let someone who dumped me know that I'm desperate and lonely on v-day. Abso-frikken-lutely! Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Thanks, Cali! And I think this was a very important thread you started. I really think it will help a lot of people. Link to post Share on other sites
pippen_2k Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 In all hounesty, I dont even know what date Valentines Day is on. Im safe Link to post Share on other sites
wendel1 Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Yep..I agree...If you are not with somebody anymore...why would you ever think of sending flowers on valentines day? People say go with your heart......but I think you gotta use your head and think to yourself how you come across to an ex if you send her/him a gift..That is scary thinking... Although I guess alot depends on how long you have been split up...but either way...dont send anything! Link to post Share on other sites
gordon_gc Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Make yourself a favour, dont send anything to your ex... Instead, focus on finding someone else in the next 12 days who will deserve the bloody flowers !!!! Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Cali-Guy has made incredible progress in his healing and this is fantastic advice. V-day is just another day. Its really manufactured by the media to kick-start shopping after the holidays. Its never been a difficult day for me and this year will be no exception. Listen to Cali-guy though. He is on top of his game right now. regards Link to post Share on other sites
Lonely and confused Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 I just want to lend my experience in this area. My girlfriend of four years broke up with me and in one day she went from this sweet girl into a total sadistic ballbreaker which im sure all of your went through. At first I begged, but a few days later on this site i read about NC and it saved me completely. Eventually after 4 months of no talking, my ex was begging just to speak to me and apologize for everything she did and the way she handeled it. (she refused to talk to me for a few weeks after we broke up so i blocked her from any means of contact and even changed my cell) (she expected for me to be knocking down her door) I eventually consented to talk to her and you know what she told me? that it was incredibly attractive and showed i had more pride and integrity than she thought i had. I didnt take the bait, cause i know deep down she wanted me to want her for ego reasons, i just said thanks. to be honest, it helped both of us move on, and though we dont talk, it was the best closure i got in my life. do i get lonely? yes. I did even when i was with her. it is human to feel lonely. With valentines day around it may make you feel lonely, just cause you dont have a girlfriend or boyfriend but the truth is you arent alone. Be thankful you are alive and there is infinite possibilties in this life, no matter what you make yourself believe. i used to think loving yourself was a cliche. but it isnt. when you can accept yourself and appreciate the situation you are in then you can understand that. trust me im no expert in this but i work hard on it each day and it helps. 1. dont contact someone on valentines day just cause its valentines day. its cheesy, and i bet the ex (the one that dumps) expects it and that makes them feel powerful 2. if you are lonely....go to a children's hospital, or a shelter and see what REAL lonliness is like. I have posted before that working in a hospital for the terminally ill changed my life. I saw how pathetic it was that i felt sorry for myself about losing something that most of these people will never get the privelege to lose. I met some incredible courageous people and learned so much. 3. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. All of us are unique people and just because one person doesnt realize it doesnt mean a thing. Sometimes we lose ourselves in a long term relationship, and thats the part that is the worst. Trying to redefine yourself may be harder than actually getting dumped. 4. If you really feel love for someone THAT much than you will truelly be able to let them go. I am not trying to be a jerk but life is the most incredible gift we got, and I dont feel that I wasted it by grieving for losing love. Sometimes loss is the greatest lessons we can get. FINALLY... DONT CONTACT THE EX ON VALENTINES DAY. ITS NO DIFFERENT THAN TODAY AND TOMMORROW AND THE NEXT. by yourself some chocolate, go out with friends, or volunteer somewhere. get busy, stay active. live. ps. that name i made was made when i was doing exactly what i said not to do. i was feeling sorry for myself. i didnt want to sound hypocritical Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted February 2, 2006 Author Share Posted February 2, 2006 Great post, L&C. Especially about feeling sorry for yourself. All it takes is one trip to the Hospital or Amputee Ward to see we're just a bunch of belly-aching whiners. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonely and confused Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 Thank you about the post. I spent alot of months thinking my life was over, even though I KNEW it wasnt. Working and volunteering was something I did when about 3 weeks after my relationship ended and my head stopped spinning I caught a newstory about volunteering at a Children's Hospital in the area. I truelly believe had I not been dumped I would of have never taken the oppurtunity to meet the kids that I did. What got me the most is when one horrificly deformed child asked me, "what is it like to be normal?" that broke my heart. Here I was feeling sorry for myself, that changed my life and showed me what real loneliness must feel like. It also, if anyone cares (sorry im still excited at the turn my life took), got me incredibly interested in Pediatric Orthaepedic Surgery, and I have since transferred to a school 500 miles away from home and enrolled in one of the top Pre-Medical programs in the Northeastern United States. I am not trying to brag, but after months of what felt like the end of the world, I am begginning to see that maybe everything happens for a reason. I was incredibly directionless before the break up. But I don't want to make anyone feel they should be ashamed of feeling sorry for themselves when they are grieving. Being rejected is a very traumatic experience, especially by someone you care for. I meant more along the lines of on Valentines Day or even a few months after the breakup. The grieving process is essential. It is almost like your best friend in the world has died when you are rejected by your ex. It is incredibly painful and nothing feels real, and your numb. My breakup truelly felt like a death to me. I just dont want to see any of the guys and girls on here subject themselves to an UNNECCESSARY pain by approaching a lost ex who may want NOTHING to do with you on Valentines Day. Instead of trying to love someone who doesnt want you, love yourself on valentines day. I think that is a pretty radical idea. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted February 3, 2006 Author Share Posted February 3, 2006 L&C, kudos to you. Thanks for bringing us all back to reality. I wish I did more for others, especially kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Jpain Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 Thank you. I fooking HATE Valentine's Day. I've always hated it. It's fake, made-up by greeting card manufacturers. Restaurants, florists, etc. totally jack up their prices while the quality goes down. I think it secretly sucks for most people. Single people feel inadequate or lonely, couples frequently let their expectations of V-day run too high. Everyone ends up pining away for something to be better than it seems to be. Just ghastly. Link to post Share on other sites
RZA-Man Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 Excellent thread CG, and great advice Lonely and Confused. I was actually debating with myself about sending the ex flowers after maintaining NC for 32 days. I knew it was a bad idea, yet for some reason I was still tempted to do it. My female friend had an interesting take on this idea: "Sending her flowers is stalkerish and you'll look like a pathetic loser." Man, it seems as soon as I start to feel better crazy ideas like that pop into my head. Go figure Link to post Share on other sites
curly Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 I think CaliGuy just stopped at least one person from doing the worst - breaking NC -RZA-Guy. Thank you for this post. I know I will hope to hear from my ex on VDay, but, for me, it's still torture... my B-Day is 1 week later. He ignored it last year, only to come back around weeks later. This year.. I'm gonna have strength to ignore him. My story is an extension from the Other Woman/Other Man forum... My ex is a married man that has left his wife (for now) but also left me 'cause he felt suffocated by my paranoia/constant need for reassurance. As a side note, he left her on New Year's Day and moved in with me... only to leave 16 days later... The 3rd time he's moved in with me. My understanding is that he's staying with a friend (guy) but that could change at any time. Anyway,,,, my challenge is to get him out of my mind and not worry where or what he's doing.... The ultimate challenge to anyone going through a break-up, right? Regardless, this post was a good one. It is only a day. Created by media, etc. My birthday will be difficult. Any advice on how to cope with his ignoring that? I must state, though, that I said I never wanted to see him again. Told him that I did not ever want him to enter my life again and F it up. The rub then... if he does contact me... he doesn't respect my wishes. If he doesn't contact me, I will wonder if he's thinking of me/missing me. You're right... Love is the survival of the fittest. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 I have a different take. IF you really really want to break NC and send flowers for self pain or whatever. Send it after V-day. Say St. Patrick's day, send something green instead of red. Link to post Share on other sites
AltplanB Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 dude no. Same pain, different day. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 dude no. Same pain, different day. Very true, but v-day has different connotations. Link to post Share on other sites
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