Back Again...

[pinksparkle]

So, I thought things were going to get better. I had decided to give up on Seph and move on. He said that he did not miss me all the time and that was not enough for me.

 

I had been doing fine. I wasn;t thinking about him as much, I was focusing on my schoolwork. And then BOOM! He walks back in my life again.

 

My roommate and I decided to go over to the apartment for a night of drinking and fun. Seph was there, he lives there, but I thought he was working. Anyway, a girl was with him and they were on the couch together. I hated her on the spot. I played her in a video game in which I kicked her butt, all the anger coming out on the poor controller. The girl left and I was never so happy to see her go. Another guy and I played more video games, Seph playing beer pong behind me. He would talk to me, give me advice on what to do and I would just go with it.

 

After he had played his fill, he came and sat down beside me. And then he put his arm around me. I leaned into him only because it was so natural. We were like that all night. Drunk and happy, like nothing had changed.

 

Two days later he IMs me. It was kinda weird, since we dont really talk online. But we talked and since I'm sick, I asked if he would take me to the store so I could get some medecine and ice cream. He said sure, but he was really drunk so I would have to drive his car. We went to the store and as we went in, he but his arm around me again. I reciprocated because it felt right. As we are standing arm in arm in the medecine aisle, he kissed me. Laryngitis and all, he kissed me. I pulled back, and asked what he was doing and he said nothing. But he did it again. When we got back in the car, he kissed me again. Things then got a little out of control.

 

I don't know what this means. He was drunk or at least still feeling good. So does that mean that it means nothing? A friend told me that when youre drunk all your true feelings come out. So does this mean that he does feel for me? I don't know what any of it means and I am back to where I started. Help!

[pinksparkle]

So, I feel like an idiot. Everytime he comes near me, I fall apart and I end up a mess. Yeah, we went to get cough drops and he kissed me in the aisel and then again later in the car. And yes I let things go too far. But the way he was looking at me was like how he used to. He looked like he wanted to say, "I love you". But he didn't. So I guess that should have been the sign. After he took me back to my room, we hung out some more that night. Things seemed fine.

 

Thursday I ran out of cough drops, so I asked him if he would take me again. He said of course. He calls me and says "We're on our way". I was like "who's we?" and he said his friend Daniel. So I took that to mean that he doesnt want to be alone with me. It hurt, but if thats what he wants then I cant really do anything about it. I bought my medicine and we dropped me off at home. Later that night, I couldnt sleep so I went online. He had an away message up that said :Daniel: "Joseph, you have so many problems. You have 5 girls after you. How do you handle it?" That really hit a nerve in me. I refuse to be some girl that he can go to when the other one says no.

 

Last night I decided to see how things really are. I asked if he wanted to come over. He said no, Im drunk and tired and I have to get up and go see the marathon dancers tomorrow before work, maybe tomorrow night. Iwas hurt and angry, but it made me realize that he doenst care about me. At least not the way he used to. So then today I got online again and he is seeing a movie with some girl.

 

I feel so hurt and rejected. I can't believe that I let myself fall all over again. I feel like doing the same to him, dating other guys and just throwing it in his face only because then he'll know that he's a dick.

 

I don't know if this anger is going to last all that long. I miss him and love him. I hate that I let myself fall again and get hurt when I was doing so well right after Christmas. Any thoughts?

[srsvfx]

how are things going?