Any married couples move to another state to be far from their parents?

[ConfusedGal]

Hi,

 

I have posted about my guilt producing over dramatic mom before as well. So little background for those who havent read my posts. Im 26, been married 3 years. My mom is pretty much nuts, just tried to make me feel guilty all the time, and if I say anything at all back, theh (mom and dad) say I have been brainwashed by my husband. Nothing I do (or we do) os EVER enough for my parents who just compare me to other daughters and my hubby to other son in laws all the time. We go through these cycles where things go ok for a while, and BOOM, something happens and our relationship is back to square one. My mother literally drove me nuts at one point and I ws hospitalized. They will never like my husband. He will never be comfortable with them. I am in the middle (please dont tell to not be in the middle. Its very toiugh when youa re the only child living in the same city!) I am trying to convincy my husband to move to another state. (We live in the Northeast, but trying to move to the midwest.) I cant take these roller coaster rides with my folks anymore. I feel like our relationship would be better if we were far away. Does anyone else have this experience? Did moving far away help???

[Becoming]

Yes. Moving far away helps. You can screen your calls and tolerate visits a few times a year on your terms.

[Ladylay]

I live in the U.K. but moved 300 miles from my parents.

Yes it helps, get yourself an ansaphone.

Then you call them back when you are mentally prepared to speak to them:D

[Sneakee Monkee]

) You'll notice that I made my own post about what I overheard my m-i-l say this week- but it's nothing new...

 

We're in the midwest, and in the next 5, yes 5 is a ways off, but possibly as soon as 2, moving AWAY!

 

We are interested in either Wisconsin or Vegas! )

 

We honestly could probably be gone for 3 to 4 months before either of our sets of parents would notice that we'd moved!

[ConfusedGal]

OK, looks like we do have the opportunity to move soon... Its what I wanted but I am nervous and jittery now...I suppose its more than just moving from my parents... Its going to a new environment cause I have lived in my hometown area my entire life, so I know it will be good for me..

 

So people who have moved away, did it help y our relationship with your family or did you get more guilt trips??

[Becoming]

Both.

 

But why do we feel guilty for pursuing our own lives. Isn't this what parents should want for their children? Your parents have their own lives, and if they don't, this will help them get one!

 

So go! Look on it as a glorious new adventure! You get to reinvent yourself when you move to a new place.

 

You're absolved from the guilt. Go, enjoy!

[ConfusedGal]

Yes I know I have a right to pursue my own life and I know (and hope) this will help them realize it...But my mom does the "you are all I have in my life" thing and it kills me...(Techncally she has my Dad..)I mean, I will be on a 2 hour away, $200 flight so I can visit often enough and have them visit often enough...But I got the email this morning saying "You dont know how much your mom loves me. When you are not with me, a piece of me is missing." Argh.... I know I need to learn to be a good wife first, and THEN worry about always being a good daughter...That was part of the reason I want to move...But I need to get rid of this guilt!!!!

[magda]

Sure moving will be hard.. but as a side-effect your reltionship with your parents will improve dramatically. Also, it sounds like they cause a lot of stress in your marriage, so that will improve as well.

 

It's like as soon as you're out of their line of vision they realize you're your own person and don't need their "help" (criticism) anymore.

[ConfusedGal]

Hi Magda,

 

Did you also move away from your folks?? Did it help your life?? Argh... I can just imagine when I officially break the news...my mom would try to be controlled for some time and eventually she would burst into tears and literally beg me not to move...And my Dad would say "See? You are killing your mom!" I am dreading that and I am really feeling guilty... Part of me is saying, maybe I shouldnt have convinced my husband to move...

[Becoming]

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT change your plans because of their feelings.

Their feelings are theirs to deal with; their feelings are not your responsibility.

 

And no one can make you feel anything without your permission.

 

Once you're away, you'll be able to think more clearly because you'll have more distanced perspective.

 

This is the reason why marriage ceremonies have had that phrase about leaving home to cleave unto your spouse. This is the way life is supposed to be.

[ConfusedGal]

Hi Becoming,

 

Thanks for your advice...I know in my heart this is good for all. And if I change my plans cause of my parents, I think my husband will just leave me, since I was the one who kept forcing him to pursue the position in the other state! He would be SOOO furious!! Either way, no turning back now. He has told his work place he accepts the offer. I wish I was happier about this since I wanted it. I mean, I think its just the guilt making me feel like this... I need to get over it. Part of why I wanted to move was to think and act like a grown up and not revolve every decision around my parents...

[magda]

Hi Magda,

 

Did you also move away from your folks?? Did it help your life??

I did. They weren't as bad as yours though.. I didn't move because of them. Yeah, it helped my life as far as my relationship with them. The only thing about moving away from where you grow up is unless you go to a small town it'll be a long time until you run into someone you know at the store, have big parties, have other family close-by and such. If you can live with that, go for it. I've been moving a lot lately, every couple years to a new state, and it is kind of lonely after awhile.

 

Anyway.. find a job and then move. Act like you are moving for the job you can't pass up. If moms gives you a hard time throw it back at her "how can you be so selfish". Honestly, if your parents say anything just keep reminding yourself "this is exactly what I'm moving away from".

[ConfusedGal]

Hi,

 

Thanks for the response. Yes, I am trying to convince myself that for once, I need to do something for ME and for my husband and my relationship, not ALWAYS thinking about them...And honestly, I have gotten nothing by always thinking about them... They still think im a bad daughter... So its about time I do something for me... Right?? In my heart I know its a good thing..I keep telling myself "I am a big girl! I am a big girl!" lol... I know I will get crap for it and I expect the breakdown to come before i move... but I have to prevent myself from feeling guilty...

[Becoming]

Your actions do not cause someone else's feelings. It sounds like deep down in you may believe this, probably because they made you think this way from when you were a wee one and couldn't know any better. But now you can. It'll take some conscious decision on your part, though, by telling yourself some specific things when they start pulling the whole drama routine (more on that later).

 

It also sounds like you may have embodied their past criticisms of you: "they still think I am a bad daughter." What's that about? Were you a normal rebellious teen who did some bad things at one point or another? If so, have you said you're sorry, changed, and asked for forgiveness? Once you've done those things, the monkey's on their back to forgive or not, and you can't control whether or not they extend that. So just go on knowing you did everything you could to rectify past hurts.

 

They may really just be into the whole guilt-inducing drama routine, in which case you've got to get prepared. Plan on how you're going to tell them and then be prepared for all the drama by suiting up, as one of my friends calls it. Imagine that all your parents' guilt-producing words and actions are like a load of crap (which is indeedwhat they are!). When they start flinging it, imaginatively put on a hazardous waste suit and stay detached, don't get drawn into their emotional turmoil, which is how the guilt happens and exactly what they count on. Instead, just keep telling yourself over and over while they're doing the drama dance, "I have a right to my own life. I belong with my H now. I have a right to be independently happy." OVER and OVER and OVER say this to yourself, especially when they're going on and on. Let them have their tantrum, and stay calm. Don't listen to them. Instead, picture all their crap going into a wheelbarrow that after the encounter you will take to a toxic waste site and dump in your mind's imagination.

 

When they ask you a direct question like, "Are you trying to kill your mother?" deflect it with humor: "Yes, Dad, that's exactly what I'm trying to do. In fact, I stopped by the gun store on the way over but found out there was a waiting period." You're going to have to go on the offensive instead of cowering before them if you ever want to feel like and independent adult.

 

When they get to a stopping point after venting awhile, then you can say, "I'm sorry this upsets you, and I know it's because you love me. I love you, too. But we are moving and I had hoped it would be with your blessing. Instead, it seems all I get is this drama about how I'll kill you if I move. No I won't. It's nice that you want me near, but I am married now and my H has a great job, and I'm looking forward to the adventure of moving. If you can't be happy for me, then I can't talk to you right now and will reluctantly have to move without saying goodbye because all this drama upsets me and makes me feel guilty for loving my H, and that's just not right. So I'm not going to stand here and listen to this kind of routine anymore. I love you and appreciate all you have done in raising me so that I can live a happy life as an independent adult, and I intend to do just that with or without your blessing. I really hope I can focus on moving now with your blessing, but if you can't be happy for me without all this drama, then I can't see or talk to you for awhile, which really upsets me to think about." If they go on after that, leave, staying calm, and saying, "Let me know when you decide to act without all the guilt-drama so we can continue in a relationship that's loving for all of us." Then walk out.

 

If you want to be an adult, YOU have to start acting like one. I learned this the hard way. If you don't take your stand now, they'll just continue it by phone after you move. You're going to have to set your boundaries down and enforce them because they will test them to see if you mean business. When they start it up again, you can then just simply remind them, "You know I love you, Mom/Dad, but remember what I said? I can't stand this behavior and will need to leave/say good-bye now. Is that what you want?"

Do what you say you're going to.

 

Do practice runs with your H until you can counter everything you both can think of that they'll throw at you.

 

Now, a little lesson from all my years of therapy over this absolutely free. Sometimes it's easier to blame ourselves than to hold people we love responsible for their bad actions toward us. When you were a child, your welfare depended upon your parents. If you didn't do what they wanted, you could die of neglect or harm at their hands (maybe not literally, but a part of you always knew this). So we try to please our parents, not only because we just naturally love them but because our survival depends upon it to some degree. When we try our darndest and nothing we do ever pleases them, we start to think there's something wrong with us. Then we start blaming ourselves for what is really a fault within them because to think that they are people who would hurt us is too terrifying to consider as a child. But you don't need to keep carrying or being smeared by what is THEIR load of crap anymore. It doesn't make them bad or anything, because now that we're older we see what we couldn't when we thought with our child minds: that our parents are just human full of faults and foibles like everyone else.

 

You're an adult now. That means YOU take responsibility for YOUR life and what you do or do not want to take on.

 

Let us know how this all goes down, OK?

 

And CONGRATULATIONS ON THE MOVE!

[ConfusedGal]

Thanks again Becoming!! I need to work up a LOTTTTT of guts to say what quoted... And the result would be disasterous I know... This is my psyche... See, if things are going badly and they consistently poor guilt on me, I feel so angry and hurt and want nothing more than to get away. It reminds me of everthing they have put me through...If they are really nice to me and dont make me feel guilty, then suddenly I am like "Awwww...." and I melt again... See?? I am like 5 years old...This is why I need to get away... I wish I didnt think that way... I wish I wasnt like that...I do!! I am always on an emotional roller coaster with them...I want to get off the roller coaster and walk on the ground!!

 

About me being a bad daughter, well, no, I was not at all a rebellious teen. In fact, I was quite the perfect child. I was kind of "an extension" of them. I got very good grades, never caused any trouble or anything... I became a "bad daughter" when I grew up and developed my own brain and thinking...They still want me to be an extension of them, which I cant be.. Know what I mean?? So because I am not an extension, its like "Our poor little girl's head has been played with!"

 

I am a bit nervous however, about the fact that I have a good job here, and he has kind of accepted the offer there and I dont officially have a job there yet! (have leads though.) It would massively such if he went there and it took me forever to find a job there... Argh... I am sure something will come along, and I waiting to act on my leads until he gets official "written" confirmation, not only verbal confirmation...

[Becoming]

My husband was an adored child who never did anything bad either. He HAD to move 500 miles away in order to be a separate individual. In his case, his parents' guilt trip was subtle, which made it harder to deflect in many ways.

 

And I was in your H's position. In their eyes, I corrupted their little boy and took him away. Now don't get me wrong; these are good people, and I love them. But geez! Now that my own children are getting ready to go to college I understand a little better their pain, but it's a parent's job to get their children ready to be on their own as their own person. So I rejoice in their ability to be on their own. It means I did my job well.

 

Once my H said something like this to them, they toned it down. It was still there, but HE could joke about it, which helped relieve the tension.

[ConfusedGal]

My husband got his official confirmation, and now I am SOOOO scared...I have never been this afraid in my entire life... I am nervous and scared beyond belief...I realize I pushed my husband to do this, and now that it happened, I am questioning my decision so much!!! Too late though!!! And I keep trying to put it on my husband like "You want this too right?" And he is like "Look. Dont put this on me... I was fine where I was. I worked towards it because you wanted it and it worked out beneficially for me too." This makes me feel worse. Its probably the first time I have made such a big decision...And I am so scared. And SO guilty...I was talking to my mom last night and clueing her in on what's going on and she was like "Well, dont worry about us. But it doesnt matter whether you are in another country or another state. You are no longer driving distance away." ANd I felt AWFUL...SOOOO horrible and guilty like I am ditching them... And then she started the whole "I want you to be my best friend like you used to be" stuff....Argh... And I waiting to hear back on my job situation out there... I have seriously NEVER been this frightened in my life...

[Becoming]

It IS scary to move to a totally new place where you don't really know anyone.

 

But it can be exciting as well. Like Magda said, you don't have instant connections with folks you grew up with. You have to make friends and your own community. Plug into a church/synagogue/mosque/temple you like--that helps a lot. Taking some classes like yoga or pottery or what not also helps.

You and your H will get to be alone to explore a new place so that it can be like a honeymoon.

 

You'll get to decorate a new house, etc. Think of the positives and roll with the negatives. Focusing on your parents' feelings may be a way of avoiding feeling your own anxieties, but all that does is compound them. It's actually good that you're in touch with your fear. Learn, now, to talk yourself down from it by checking out some books on anxiety, etc.

 

Through the transition, which is the toughest part you're beginning right now, you can continue on LS.

 

Could it be that YOU are experiencing some separation anxiety as well but are beating yourself up by telling yourself you SHOULD be a grown-up, etc. ???

Hey, I'm 46, and some days I still want my Mommy and Daddy, too. We all do. So go easy on yourself. There's still the phone. You don't have to sever all ties, you know.

[ConfusedGal]

Yeah I know...I think I am also experiencing separation anxiety. I mean, they have driven me nuts, often made my life hell, have caused stress in my marriage, but yet I guess they have been "close by." Its weird. They are the primary reason I wanted to leave, and now I feel awful leaving them... Like I am doing something awfully wrong. I hope moving will be a growing and life changing experience for me in a positive way...Right now my stomach just hurts really badly from the anxiety of the whole thing...

[silktricks]

I didn't move away from my parents. I wish I had. They have both died now and I'm stuck in a place I don't really want to be.