Improve myself then talk about porn?

[2ski2run]

How do I encapsulate many years into a few paragraphs? I'm going to give it a shot and then I hope I can get some feedback.

 

My husband and I get along very well. We have a similar sense of humor, we're both curious about the world around us, and (at one time, before kids)we enjoy(ed) similar activities (e.g., tennis, camping, hiking). We've been married 12 years.

 

My husband prefers to "keep the peace"; he won't tell me when things bother him. It took me years to understand this. I was in ignorant bliss the first several years because we had minimal conflict. If someone doesn't tell you they're unhappy, how are you supposed to know? He finally disclosed to me (a few years into the marriage) that he felt I wasn't open to his ideas, and because of that he secretly saved a few thousand dollars to buy a sailboat. I was devastated by 1) his poor opinion of me and, 2) his dishonesty. Well, after some consideration, I agreed with him I was frightened by his dreams/ideas. (He's definitely a maverick; I'm more conservative) I also realized I needed to be more supportive of him. So, over the years, I've worked at my openness to his ideas. And he will acknowledge I've improved dramatically.

 

Another bomb uncovered at roughly the same time, I caught him watching a porn video (no dvd's yet! ). Oy, the conservative side of me went into a tailspin. I was disgusted, hurt and angry all at once. He promised me he wouldn't look at it anymore. It was also a time for him to express I needed to be more open to his sexual advances. Again, I considered his opinion, and agreed. I read books, talked to him about his desires and sincerely tried to put aside my inhibitions. Then I got pregnant.

 

As we all know, our lives changed dramatically. We joke now that I was in mourning for nine months (I didn't like pregnancy at all) (For starters, I had to give up my competitive running and tennis, not to mention what it did to me physically). Once the baby arrived, my husband went into mourning. He missed the way life used to be (join the club). No more camping, biking, hiking, windsurfing-- ah, the care-free lifestyle we both loved!

 

Another baby arrived two years later. Not to say our life was bereft of joy, but these were difficult years for us. It hurt me that my husband didn't really like babies or toddlers. He went through the motions of being a good dad, but I knew his heart wasn't in it. He did it because it was the right thing to do. In fact, it's only now that they're 5 and 7 that he'll say occasionally he enjoys the kids since they've turned into little people (meaning they can meaningfully interact).

 

Over the years, our heart-to-heart conversations would include my dismay over his lack of saying I'm beautiful. To have my husband call me beautiful would mean a lot to me; I'd feel attractive to him. I've also explained to him that if he said it in the next month (from our conversation), it would ring falsely because it would feel like he was just giving a knee-jerk response. He would respond that he finds me attractive, yet he has never told me I'm beautiful. ((He's called me elf-like (! )) But, he's called some of my friends beautiful, so I know he's capable of expressing it.

 

Are you still with me?? This is so fleeping long...

 

Last year, I discovered he was viewing porn on the internet. He was even looking at escort sites. He travels a lot and I immediately assumed the worst. He assured me after I confronted him that he was just curious. He acknowledged he knew I hated the porn and was sorry. But he was frustrated by our different schedules of times for sex (I like it at night, he likes it in the morning) We decided to specifically set aside time for ourselves in the bedroom and for months our "dates" were a success. I was giving it my absolute all. I was taking the initiative and pleasuring him however he wished. My wish was for him to stop secretly viewing the porn. If he would just talk to me about it, although I didn't like it, I'd feel better if he talked to me about it. He agreed. We had plans to go away for our anniversary and due to a complication, we had to return home 6 hours after our departure. We were both crushed. We'd been looking forward to this for ages. Once home, I started doing a project and needed a tool from the barn. What I stumbled across was a stash of porn dvd's (over 50 of them). (What an anniversary present!)

 

It felt like a blow to my solar plexus. I was giving it my all, and he still felt the need to hide the porn. I was giving it my all, and he still needed the porn. He wasn't being honest with me. I turned off emotionally from him and I was depressed. He apologized profusely. I told him I forgave him (but have I?).

 

Our sex life for the past months has been minimal. When we've had intercourse, he can't reach orgasm easily. It takes him ages. After doing some reading, I've made an amateur diagnosis of "retarded ejaculation" due to his masturbating to porn. He's never been able to call me beautiful and now after looking at the porn babes, how can I ever meet his expectations? How can I ever match the sensations of the self-masturbating sex toys? I've been replaced.

 

So, what do I do? I'm emotionally spent on this. For the first time, I don't miss him although he's away on a trip. Should I just let things be? He's been so patient with my shortcomings. Yet, my shortcomings aren't viewed as a betrayal by him.

 

The weight I put on from babies has never come off. Maybe I should give an all-out effort to slim down. I've tried several times yet haven't been successful. He's never hassled me. But, since he's not a great communicator, maybe this is a need for him which he hasn't expressed. Besides, I'd be happy to be my normal size again, too.

 

If I bring this up (again), I know he'll be defensive. Should I just grin and bear it while I'm working at losing weight? Once I improve myself, should I then have the conversation?

 

Even though I've written a lot, I don't know if I've given you enough information or that I've been clear. Any thoughts you have about my marital situation would be appreciated. Thanks so much for your time.