Improve myself first and then discuss porn?

[Kaykay]

[

QUOTE=JamesMD]KayKay, I wanted to follow thru with some comments about your post.

 

First, from a man who has watched way too much porn, his wanting certain acts is because he has seen it on porn vids. Is that bad or good? Depends on why he is asking. Does he need these variety for the excitement? Does he appear to be concentrating on the act or on how you feel?

 

Well, during BJ's he's not focused on me And I don't know about other situations. He was an attentive lover...

 

Second, hopefully he has not visited any escorts. But the fact that you don't see any tracks of visiting porn and escort sites does not mean that he isn't visiting. If the history is being cleaned every time the browser is shut down, you will never know. Besides, it is also easy to delete a line or two. In his case, I doubt it would be only a line or two. Trust me, he won't shut down that quickly. And no, the DVDs won't satisfy hiim. A person who is so into porn wants new material. The old stuff is old within a couple of times of viewing. But yet, there is hope that you scared him enough at least for the time being.

 

If he burns out that fast, it makes sense that he has so many CD's. Because he travels for business, he has a credit card and separate bank account that I never get to see as they're delivered to his work address. He told me he originally set the bank account up to keep reimbursements from the company "straight"; hm, I'm feeling duped as I think about this now.

 

Third, if you don't like it and he can't quit, then he has the problem...not you. I know some here will tell me that you should be accepting of his use, but I am not one of those. I also don't think that he has used porn because youhaven't done certain types of sex acts with him. Watching a BJ does not compare with the act. I am not sure what would be the best approach to reducing his use of porn. My actual concern is if this has escalated into visiting escort sites.

 

Right.. has he or hasn't he? I really believe he hasn't...most of the time

 

Fourth, using spy software on someone who hides what he does on the computer in direct violation of his marital vows should allow you to keep track of what he is doing. If you confront him, he will either quit or go more undercover. I think I know which it usually will be. Having some evidence beforehand may be necessary.

 

At your suggestion, I have looked at it. I've got to figure out a way to buy it surreptiously if I do indeed take this route.

 

Fifth, you said he can't have sex with you. This is a problem. His private use of porn for his own selfish needs suddenly has become a public problem between you. You can ignore his use, but I think your marriage will not get better.

 

I need to clarify that he doesn't reach orgasm easily anymore. It's only happened three times...we've only had sex 3 times since last June, though... Ignoring it isn't the best solution, you're right.

 

My personal opinion is that you should consider counselling with or without him, use spy software to find evidence or not of his continual use, and then confront him with it. An ultimatum may be necessary to get him thinking. As I write this I am not sure how far you have taken it...maybe you have done this. If porn is a problem for you in the marriage that is preventing intimate relations, it is no longer a victimless addiction that can be ignored..[/quote

]

 

Your logical, reasonable thought process is convincing to me. Thank you for taking the time to post and post and post. It's given me a lot to think about instead of just ruminate...

 

And let me throw this one at you: along with the CD's, I found "toys" to masturbate with. Things he sticks his penis into to imitate a vagina... I find this highly problematic...opinions please...

[cygny]

 

 

you've had sex 3 x since june and you think this is your problem? in spite of the fact that you've done major work in overcoming your inhibitions?

 

i think you do need counselling, before you turn into a doormat. not to 'let go' of this. and i'm not joking.

 

this site http://www.thisisawar.com/AddictionPorn.htm was recommended by a guy who is fighting his addiction to porn. it explains the fantasy world and how that becomes preferred to the real world.

[Kaykay]

you've had sex 3 x since june and you think this is your problem

i think you do need counselling, before you turn into a doormat. not to 'let go' of this

.

 

I'm trying really hard not to be self-righteous. I also realize it takes two to tango and I must have contributed to this problem in some way(s). I'm just pondering the feasibility and wisdom of temporarily letting things sit while I continue to get in better shape. The more time passes while I work at improving myself, the more leverage I may have to convince him I'm trying to change, so he should try too.

 

 

this site http://www.thisisawar.com/AddictionPorn.htm was recommended by a guy who is fighting his addiction to porn. it explains the fantasy world and how that becomes preferred to the real world

I read most of this site this morning. Thanks for the heads up...

[cygny]

i believe it takes two to make a relationship work, but if you think about it, it only takes one person to make a relationship really unworkable. you are not responsible for the parts of him that are disconnected, emotionally distant and fantasizing. he is completely responsible, especially since he did not seek to work things out by talking but by going behind your back, in the first place.

 

you seem to be doing your bit, and while you are busy 'improving' yourself, he is sinking more and becoming more distanced. you are being naive, IMO, and not standing up for yourself enough. He needs to pull his own weight, and i don't mean by earning money and taking out the garbage.

 

forget about worrying about being self-righteous and just start being savvy.

[barfool]

we've only had sex 3 times since last June, though...

 

!!!!!!

 

You do not need to let this situation go while you improve yourself. This is a problem that needs to be addressed NOW! I can't say whether the sex problem is because of porn or otherwise but you guys need some marriage counseling or something. I don't see how people in a healthy relationship would only want to have sex 3 x in many months.

[Kaykay]

i believe it takes two to make a relationship work, but if you think about it, it only takes one person to make a relationship really unworkable. you are not responsible for the parts of him that are disconnected, emotionally distant and fantasizing. he is completely responsible, especially since he did not seek to work things out by talking but by going behind your back, in the first place.

 

you seem to be doing your bit, and while you are busy 'improving' yourself, he is sinking more and becoming more distanced. you are being naive, IMO, and not standing up for yourself enough. He needs to pull his own weight, and i don't mean by earning money and taking out the garbage.

 

forget about worrying about being self-righteous and just start being savvy.

 

Cygny: You're right. I'm slightly speechless because this plunks me on a path I'm really not excited to walk down. It's easier to work at my shortcomings and ignore the elephant in the room. Sigh. This is really, really hard. Would you care to elaborate on your thoughts about being savvy?

[Kaykay]

You do not need to let this situation go while you improve yourself. This is a problem that needs to be addressed NOW! I can't say whether the sex problem is because of porn or otherwise but you guys need some marriage counseling or something. I don't see how people in a healthy relationship would only want to have sex 3 x in many months

 

Well, since I discovered the stash of porn while we were supposedly "committed to working things out", I wasn't too interested in sex for a while. And then, the new symptom of his inability to orgasm easily hits me hard. I don't like to think about the degradation I've felt from this... and so, I don't initiate sex anymore. And he never does either anymore.

 

Did someone say therapy?

[cygny]

Cygny: You're right. I'm slightly speechless because this plunks me on a path I'm really not excited to walk down. It's easier to work at my shortcomings and ignore the elephant in the room. Sigh. This is really, really hard. Would you care to elaborate on your thoughts about being savvy?

 

well i can tell you some things, and i expect it will take some time for you to absorb it. i was in a situation that was in some ways similar and i ended up having to do alot of things that i didn't really want to, but which were really necessary in order to protect myself. it made me a stronger person and now i don't take crap. i insist that a relationship be an equal one.

 

'savvy' means not so much trying to be the 'good' person trying to do it all and be perfect--it comes down to recognizing when you need to be unyielding and determined, even if you come off looking like a bitch and people disapprove. it means realizing that despite your best intentions, your husband may just not care all that much to make this work and you may be wasting your time. 'savvy' is what allows you to be skeptical and shrewd, and not be taken advantage of. it means recognizing that all things don't always turn out well, and being sophisticated enough to get out before things crumble and destroy you.

 

that means getting to the bottom of what is going on in your husband's life and your marriage--and that may mean snooping and hiring a PI, then if he refuses counselling, and continues on his downward spiral--you do what you have to do to have a good life, more often than not it means divorce.

[surfababe]

My boyfriend and (of almost 2 years) are going to be moving in together soon, March 1st, and we even have our own business together! I just listened to his voicemail (i know it's wrong, but I have to with this guy..) and I discovered that he had gone to a Strip Club!!! He is the kind of guy who will get many many lap dances. What do I do!!! HEWLP!!! ****KKKK

[cygny]

surfababe--better to start your own thread. you'll get more responses that way. and before you do, you might want to do a search on some older threads dealing with this very same issue. that will give you an idea.

[JamesM]

KayKay, I am glad to try to help. If I can get one "good" thing out of my past, maybe this is it.

 

He has a seperate bank account....this is a concern, since the trust factor is low. He travels alot for his business. Another concern. He has ample opportunity to do what he wants in private. Do you ever do finances or deposit his check? Do you ever see how much he makes? If you know what he makes, then the bank account is less of a concern. IF you do not know where his money goes, he has it made. He has purchased seventy DVDs (X20 =$1400 or more) over some period of time.

 

My goal is not to make you think he has deceived you at every turn, but if I shared with you some of the things I have read on escort review sites regarding how much men spend on prostitutes, you would be shocked. Most have wives who either have no clue or ignore the clues. Some of these men spend $10,000 a year...no, that is no joke, and there is more than one. Most spend around $3000 to $4000 each year. All have methods of hiding the money. (one man keeps a diary of all his visits in his briefcase which he carries with him...per him. He visits prostitutes once or twice a week. Once his wife was looking inthe briefcase for something but didn't open the book). It is very well possible that he has only purchased porn, but if he has been looking at escort sites (with availability to visit) and hasn't been with them yet, he has been entertaining the thought. Since your sex life is scarce...and HE isn't initiating, then I would be concerned.

 

I have installed on my computer some spy software. I placed it there to monitor children before I have a problem. Currently I have not used it for awhile, but when I did it works well. Google SpyAgent from Spytech. I am sure there are other good ones, too. It can be downloaded directly to the computer and set up by you. Once installed, it can monitor keystrokes, take pictures periodically of the display screen (can see websites), and keep a list of times when a person has been on the computer. It can also be setup on one computer, and you can have emails of the info sent to another computer.

 

It is worth checking out.

 

 

I agree with cygny. "Snooping" is warranted if you have a gut feeling that something is not right. The other two choices you have is..ask him and explain all of your concerns, or ignore this all and continue on with life. If you snoop, you will gather evidence to prove or disprove you suspicions. If you continue, you will do disservice to yourself. If you confront him, you will have to accept his answer. The stash of DVDs tells you that he has a double life, even if it is "just" porn. The bank account and credit card tells you that he can do anything without your knowledge. And the fact that you have poor communication and no sex life gives credence to the idea that something is up.

 

Make the right decision for you and your marriage.

[Presario]

Kaykay, I think you have every reason to install some spy software. You have little reason to believe your husband (secret porn stack, separate account, clearing the browser history, failed commitment to work on the marriage). Do it to protect yourself from potential STDs, perhaps to save your marriage and family, and protect your kids. I know little about marriage and family (I'm only 27, married with no kids), but it seems like a sensible thing to do.

 

I have not used any spy software before, but I would recommend to use at the beginning some modest and reliable software. For instance, JamesMD writes about a software which sends the spy log by email. I wouldn't go for that because sending emails can be detected by anti-virus software. So after your husband installs some anti-virus software, he will get a message that some mails are being scanned/sent/blocked. The truth is that the more features the software offers, the more likely it will be detected.

 

Good luck!

[Kaykay]

Kaykay, I think you have every reason to install some spy software. You have little reason to believe your husband (secret porn stack, separate account, clearing the browser history, failed commitment to work on the marriage). Do it to protect yourself from potential STDs, perhaps to save your marriage and family, and protect your kids. I know little about marriage and family (I'm only 27, married with no kids), but it seems like a sensible thing to do.

 

I have not used any spy software before, but I would recommend to use at the beginning some modest and reliable software. For instance, JamesMD writes about a software which sends the spy log by email. I wouldn't go for that because sending emails can be detected by anti-virus software.

 

Looking up the software it says that emails/logs aren't detectable... are they??

 

I found some really suspicious statements. He has a credit card I've never seen. JamesMD, do escorts accept credit cards? Would they actually charge a weird amounts like 259.99? 249.99? There are smaller monthly charges which look like the cost of DVD's 29 - 49. I am sick that I went through his stuff and found this. I am sick that I found something that looks very suspicious.

[JamesM]

KayKay, What was the explanation on the card? If it says, "ccbill"...this is a separate payment company that does alot of porn sites. There are other ones. This kind of number could be for a porn site.

 

But yes, escort agencies do accept credit cards. AS for the numbers of 249 and 259 could be numbers for them, but I don't know..I will see if I can find out anything.

 

Monthly charges of 29 to 49 are more like the price for porn websites. These are common monthly charges.

 

I have SpyBot, Adware, and an antivirus program running. The antivirus will not catch it, but the Spybot will. This is for spyware. I think there is a setting to disarm it, but I didn't do it because I run SpyBot and bypass it. I will check this out, too.

 

Don't jump to too many conclusions. Your mind will tend to imagine things worse than they are. Until there is evidence for worse, think for the best.

[tweedle-dee]

Kaykay,

I think this is one of the websites portable tried to refer you to:

http://p098.ezboard.com/bmothersagainstpornographyaddiction

[Presario]

Looking up the software it says that emails/logs aren't detectable... are they??

 

I'm not an expert in this area. I deal with computers in general and I know that things are never undetectable. Sure, the better the spy software concealed, the harder to find it, but there are never guarantees. As with everything: to every solution there is an antidote. There are people who develop spy software, and there are those who counterattack spy software (anti-virus and anti-spyware software). JamesMD says that escort sites offer some advice how to hide things--maybe they also offer some help with how to counterattack spy software.

 

There are some hints that something is wrong with the computer: the network is active when it shoudn't be (diodes on your modem blink, because an email is being sent, but you are not using the internet), or the hard disk is busy (because the spy software compiles a report, but you do little on the computer). However, you shoudn't get paranoid, because it's rather unlikely the software will be detected. The chances are higher if your husband likes to play with the computer--installing new software, etc.

 

I'm glad you made some progress. I hope that the bank statement items will turn out innocent. Good luck!

[Kaykay]

KayKay, What was the explanation on the card? If it says, "ccbill"...this is a separate payment company that does alot of porn sites. There are other ones. This kind of number could be for a porn site.

 

But yes, escort agencies do accept credit cards. AS for the numbers of 249 and 259 could be numbers for them, but I don't know..I will see if I can find out anything.

 

Monthly charges of 29 to 49 are more like the price for porn websites. These are common monthly charges.

 

I have SpyBot, Adware, and an antivirus program running. The antivirus will not catch it, but the Spybot will. This is for spyware. I think there is a setting to disarm it, but I didn't do it because I run SpyBot and bypass it. I will check this out, too.

 

I was rushing madly when I looked at the statements I found. CCBill is definitely a recurring charge. 9.95 monthly and sometimes 49.95 (+/-?). The other big charge of last year was to r and c research in powder springs ga. 264.99. Now, the overall balance on the card last year was 5,000 which he has paid off. I don't know how he got the funds as our checks are automatically deposited. There's another company listed as EENT. Any ideas. I'm in knots...I'm nervous, scared and in shock. I"m here AGAIN!! I had all I could do to not SCREAM at him; instead, I had to act normal...I don't know if I pulled it off. The man I trust implicitly is a big effin liar... I'm so, so sad...

 

 

 

Don't jump to too many conclusions. Your mind will tend to imagine things worse than they are. Until there is evidence for worse, think for the best.

 

I doubt I'll find out what that 5,000 charge is from but every other charge I've found is "innocuous" porn. At this point it's a relief...but... the deceitfulness bites.

[Kaykay]

Kaykay,

I think this is one of the websites portable tried to refer you to:

http://p098.ezboard.com/bmothersagainstpornographyaddiction

 

thanks for the redirection

[Kaykay]

I'm not an expert in this area. I deal with computers in general and I know that things are never undetectable. Sure, the better the spy software concealed, the harder to find it, but there are never guarantees. As with everything: to every solution there is an antidote. There are people who develop spy software, and there are those who counterattack spy software (anti-virus and anti-spyware software). JamesMD says that escort sites offer some advice how to hide things--maybe they also offer some help with how to counterattack spy software.

 

There are some hints that something is wrong with the computer: the network is active when it shoudn't be (diodes on your modem blink, because an email is being sent, but you are not using the internet), or the hard disk is busy (because the spy software compiles a report, but you do little on the computer). However, you shoudn't get paranoid, because it's rather unlikely the software will be detected. The chances are higher if your husband likes to play with the computer--installing new software, etc.

 

I'm glad you made some progress. I hope that the bank statement items will turn out innocent. Good luck!

 

Aargh...it's stuff he could very well notice.... does this spyware just have a spot on the computer I can look at everything without having it emailed? I have such a knot in my stomach...I feel so guilty for snooping and "setting traps"... sigh

[Presario]

Aargh...it's stuff he could very well notice.... does this spyware just have a spot on the computer I can look at everything without having it emailed?

 

I have no idea -- it's always specific to the software. Don't worry, most probably he will not notice some blinking diodes. I guess I woudn't unless I was suspecting something.

 

I have such a knot in my stomach...I feel so guilty for snooping and "setting traps"... sigh

 

You had to. It's for the good of your family.

[Kaykay]

I don't know if this already posted: I need to clarify that there wasn't a $5k line item. The statements only go back 12 mo and the balance was at that amount (roughly). Who knows what was charged... the only way I could get the statements is to pay for them with the credit card...(it would be a red flag to him that I'm on to his most recent deception)

 

Thanks, Presario, for trying to ease my conscience.

 

How does he act so normal?? I could no more hide all these secrets from him than I could run a sub 5 mile!

[JamesM]

KayKay, I did some research on the names you mentioned. EENT Inc and ccbill are places that are fronts for porn sites. Google them to see what sites are mentioned. EENT has only three. ccbill has lot. It does have non-porn sites as well. EENT does not.

 

R and C Research hasn't been found yet. How is it spelled on the bill? Do they have a toll free number listed?

 

I think your husband is heavily into Internet Porn, but based the evidence given, there is no concern regarding escorts. The other thing he may do on his trips is visit adult bookstores but this is probably not as big of a concern as is the large amount of porn used..

 

What names were attached to the 249.99 and the 259.99? These seem to be large amounts for websites. Is his computer at home or at the office? If it is a desktop, these could be computer hardware or other business related items.

 

Sorry about all this. This truly explains his lack of interest in sex, because he needs porn to satisfy himself. However, on the positive side, this is something that can be "cured" if he wants to change.

[Jeffrey]

So why do it? You're only going to cause more anxiety for yourself. If this guy cannot be open and honest with you why go through it? He can either circumvent what you install and you'll be left wondering and suspicious.

 

I just don't believe in battling mistrust with more mistrust, life's just too short.

 

Aargh...it's stuff he could very well notice.... does this spyware just have a spot on the computer I can look at everything without having it emailed? I have such a knot in my stomach...I feel so guilty for snooping and "setting traps"... sigh

[barfool]

I just don't believe in battling mistrust with more mistrust, life's just too short.

 

I'm so happy someone here thinks this way too. I think that if you are in a relationship where you can't trust your partner then you need to get out. Doing something like installing a spy program will not give you any peace of mind. You will always wonder if there are other things that you have not caught and it will not help your well-being to know that you've resorted to something so sneaky.

[cygny]

well...I can tell you from my own experience that it does give you peace of mind because it either verifies your suspicions or contradicts them. it's too frivolous to divorce someone on a suspicion.