Love dilemma: Any advice much appreciated

[troubled]

i have been in a successful relationship for over a year. my partner and i are great friends, have lots in common, enjoy spending time with each other and have fantastic sex. this is the first time both of us have had such a good relationship. i am very much in love with him, as he says he is with me and i sometimes think about a future with him in terms of one day having children together and settling down.i am a realist and don't get lost in the fantasy of a future with him as i know that relationships end for lots of different reasons.i also don't harp on to him about 'settling down' etc as i am not the sort of person to put the pressure on.

 

he is 7 years older than me (i am in my late twenties) and has not really seen much of life in terms of he's had a very sheltered childhood, very little experience in terms of relationships and sex until the last couple of years due to being very shy and not having much confidence in himself. he says he has a lot of catching up to do.

 

on to the dilemma: he has told me that he cannot indefinately stay in a relationship with me as he feels he has to catch up (ie have experience of different relationships and sex) and he is not getting any younger. we have discussed this in great detail and it has been very distressing for both of us - i have never seen a man cry so much! therefore i know that he will at some point 'have to' (so he says) dump me. i have lived with this knowledge for a couple of months now - sometimes it really gets to me and at other times i live for the moment ie better to have loved and lost.....and just enjoy our relationship for what it is in the here and now.

 

am i kidding myself and putting off the unavoidable pain of a break up? should i take control and end it as it will end anyway? is there any point in a relationship without hope? i have not been overly heavy with him and we are very honest and supportive of each other. the thought of losing him is devastating but i fear that i am in a no win situation. i find it so confusing because i think in life it is so rare that you find someone you can relate to so well and have the special intimacy that my partner and i have, so how can he walk away from something so good? i know that he thinks the world of me by the way he treats me and we have had some really good times together.

 

sometimes i get really angry and think he is emotionally immature and needs to grow up - you can never have back what you have lost. sometimes you have to accept what has happened and move on.

 

i would really appreciate any (sensitive) insight/ thoughts or advice about this. thanks in advance.

[Daisy]

Sounds like a bunch of kablooey to me. If he were my boyfriend and he gave me a line about how much he missed out on as a child (ie. relationships and sex) then I'd tell him tough cookies. He might have a lived a sheltered life, but it was still his life, and I'm sure he had some control over it. In any event, it doesn't matter what his past was like...he has absolutely zero catching up to do. And why is he comparing his past life to other's pasts anyways? Why would he sit around and think to himself "I sure lived a s***ty childhood. Joe Shmoe had sex with 3 girls by the time he was 20, and Dan had sex with 20 girls, so by golly I have some catching up to do". GIVE ME A BREAK!

 

My theory is that he's not satisfied with the relationship in some form or another. If he was satisfied, he wouldn't be dwelling on the fact that he hasn't had X amount of relationships and hasn't had X amount of sex. And if this is true, it sure as hell isn't your fault. Often times, someone might not be getting everything they need out of a relationship, while the other person has no earthly idea why. People change in relationships, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst. The fact that he has chose to dwell his current existance on the fact that he hasn't had as many relationships as he would have liked is a problem for him to solve. On his own.

 

My suggestion would be to leave him. I think he's feeding you a bunch of crap, not to say that what he's thinking and feeling isn't real to him, it's just a complete waste of your time. He'll either A: dump you down the road to pursue this BS he's thinking and you'll never see him again or B: he'll dump you to pursue this BS and then come crawling back when he realizes how stupid he was. Either way, he's not worth your time. Find someone who's ready and willing to make a commitment to you. There are plenty of worthy guys out there that are capable of committing themselves to a lady that has so much to offer, such as yourself.

[Ed]

"emotionally immature and needs to grow up"

 

Yep! I think you hit the nail on the head. I really don't know what this guy's problem is, but he sounds like he has a few. That's unfortunate for you right now.

 

You certainly should not put yourself in a holding pattern, waiting for him to straighten himself out, unless he shows you some real honest effort toward that end. I think all this crying and stuff that he is doing is just to get you to feel sorry for him, which has been working. And he may be feeling some real emotional pain, but as an adult, it is his responsibility to do something about it, like, get some professional help.

 

My best advice is for you to stop dating him. It is just plain emotional abuse for him to tell you he will eventually "dump you". Even if he never acts on this statement, it is emotional abuse to say something like that to someone you, supposedly, care about.

 

As far as remaining friends with him or keeping contact to see if he is making any healthy emotional progress, I think will have to rule that out too. It will only prolong your down time and be a barrier to you finding someone deserving of a good relationship.

[Artlover]

I agree totally with both of the above posts. This guy has A LOT of growing up to do. WOW. You MUST break it off with him. He is abusing you, by threatening to break up with you...later. Dear God. Staying in this relationship another minute is a terribly cruel thing to do to yourself.

 

Whether he has problems with you or the relationship that he's too cowardly to address directly, or he actually believes he can "make up for lost time" by dating and having sex with lots of people, is impossible for any of us here to know. Either way, anyone who would put you through this kind of pain and torture is not someone worth building any sort of a future around.

"emotionally immature and needs to grow up" Yep! I think you hit the nail on the head. I really don't know what this guy's problem is, but he sounds like he has a few. That's unfortunate for you right now. You certainly should not put yourself in a holding pattern, waiting for him to straighten himself out, unless he shows you some real honest effort toward that end. I think all this crying and stuff that he is doing is just to get you to feel sorry for him, which has been working. And he may be feeling some real emotional pain, but as an adult, it is his responsibility to do something about it, like, get some professional help. My best advice is for you to stop dating him. It is just plain emotional abuse for him to tell you he will eventually "dump you". Even if he never acts on this statement, it is emotional abuse to say something like that to someone you, supposedly, care about. As far as remaining friends with him or keeping contact to see if he is making any healthy emotional progress, I think will have to rule that out too. It will only prolong your down time and be a barrier to you finding someone deserving of a good relationship.

[Lauren]

You mention that your partner "had a sheltered childhood and not many experiences (relationship/sex)". That sounds like a very weak statement. One's childhood or level of "experience" is irrelevant. If he is determined to "catch up" on something - he will. This leads me to your opening line that you are in a successful relationship. It really isn't a relationship if he is "looking" for something - whether he is taking action or merely thinking about it. A relationship takes time to build and can barely be considered "successful" if it hasn't truly lasted the test of time - I'm talking good stuff, bad stuff, ugly stuff, and everyday stuff! If the two of you enjoy each other's company, communicate and enjoy sex - what does he feel he needs to "catch up" on. Bad relationships? One-night stands? Crazy sex with partners that may have some type of disease? Have multiple partners? It seems like your final statement about him being immature is correct. Especially someone that is older - regardless of relationship/sex experiences. He has had life experiences. And I am sure that he knows what is out in the world. As you eluded to - it is rare to find someone that you can relate to and enjoy being with. Obviously, this man needs to learn how to be a real man!

 

i have been in a successful relationship for over a year. my partner and i are great friends, have lots in common, enjoy spending time with each other and have fantastic sex. this is the first time both of us have had such a good relationship. i am very much in love with him, as he says he is with me and i sometimes think about a future with him in terms of one day having children together and settling down.i am a realist and don't get lost in the fantasy of a future with him as i know that relationships end for lots of different reasons.i also don't harp on to him about 'settling down' etc as i am not the sort of person to put the pressure on. he is 7 years older than me (i am in my late twenties) and has not really seen much of life in terms of he's had a very sheltered childhood, very little experience in terms of relationships and sex until the last couple of years due to being very shy and not having much confidence in himself. he says he has a lot of catching up to do. on to the dilemma: he has told me that he cannot indefinately stay in a relationship with me as he feels he has to catch up (ie have experience of different relationships and sex) and he is not getting any younger. we have discussed this in great detail and it has been very distressing for both of us - i have never seen a man cry so much! therefore i know that he will at some point 'have to' (so he says) dump me. i have lived with this knowledge for a couple of months now - sometimes it really gets to me and at other times i live for the moment ie better to have loved and lost.....and just enjoy our relationship for what it is in the here and now. am i kidding myself and putting off the unavoidable pain of a break up? should i take control and end it as it will end anyway? is there any point in a relationship without hope? i have not been overly heavy with him and we are very honest and supportive of each other. the thought of losing him is devastating but i fear that i am in a no win situation. i find it so confusing because i think in life it is so rare that you find someone you can relate to so well and have the special intimacy that my partner and i have, so how can he walk away from something so good? i know that he thinks the world of me by the way he treats me and we have had some really good times together.

 

sometimes i get really angry and think he is emotionally immature and needs to grow up - you can never have back what you have lost. sometimes you have to accept what has happened and move on. i would really appreciate any (sensitive) insight/ thoughts or advice about this. thanks in advance.

[midori]

Dear Troubled,

 

I think I know exactly how you feel and you have my complete sympathy. My ex was prone to saying similar things, not the "I need to have more experiences" line (he's had plenty) but "sooner or later I just know I'll leave." But in the meantime he was loving, affectionate, devoted, almost certainly not cheating on me, considerate, etc. -- so it was fairly easy for me to think "well, he'll come around."

 

But all the other posts are right when they say that this guy is not going to come through for you and is in fact all too likely to pull the rug out from under you when you least expect it. Ed, Artlover, Lauren -- listen to them, they know what they're talking about. All I can add is this: you say he had a sheltered life until a few years ago. Sounds to me like he's got some issues that are preventing him from being a true partner, from fully participating in a loving relationship. The "I need other experiences" is probably just a symptom of something deeper and more difficult. He's not connecting to you in some way and the obstacle probably lies buried within him. I went through that with my ex and please believe me when I say that there is nothing, nothing at all that you can do to help him but walk away. The sooner the better, for your sake. If you think you can ride it out and patiently wait for a good outcome, why not give my posting from yesterday, "stuck in the muck" a quick read -- I'm afraid that's all too likely to be what awaits if you try to hang in there with this guy.

 

Good luck.

 

-Midori