I blew it

[Jpain]

Started dating a nice geek guy 2.5 years ago. He was crazy about me, absolutely crazy. I was thin, attractive outgoing. I really liked him, but after 3 months I broke up because he was extremely jealous of any interaction I had with other guys (these are guys he knows too, not strangers.) Example: a dude talks to me at a party, no body language or flirting.

 

We stayed away from each other for 2 months, but were at the same Happy Hour one night. I realized I still really liked/loved him. I initiated getting back together, bearing my heart. We got back together although he was scared at first.

 

5 happy months later, he had to go overseas for 12 months. We agreed we'd stay together. I probably shouldn't have done this, but I loved him: I completely isolated myself from social contact, sat on the couch and ate for most of the 12 months. I was so worried about him in the Middle East, they were beheading people, the last thing I wanted to do was give him any reason to worry I was being unfaithful. When he came home to visit at Christmastime, things got strained very quickly. My libido was gone: not sure if it was because I hated myself for gaining a lot of weight, or worried he'd be disgusted by me, or stress or what. I told him I'd do whatever to get it taken care of, that I really loved him. So I went off of anti-depressants thinking they caused the problem. He came back at Eastertime, and things were only worse with my libido: I was probably freaking myself out about it. During this whole time he was saying he really loved me, didn't care about the weight, completely adoring. I believed him and still do.

 

But when he came home for good in July, things got horrible right away. He was quick to go into rages and anger, take things out on me. I felt awful because my libido was still messed up, begged him to help me through it, then whined that I waited for him for a year, please wait for me. Things just got worse and worse, I became withdrawn waiting for the next rage. After 2.5 months of this, even though I loved him and know he loved me, I broke up with him. We couldn't resolve our libido and anger problems.

 

For 4 months I've isolated myself again (probably depression: hadn't gone back on the drugs). I had 2 traumatic incidents happen, each time the only person I could think of I wanted to be with to comfort me was him. I resisted contact with him, didn't want to do something out of rashness. But halfway through this time I started to realize that I still do love him and care about him as a person. I initiated email contact, false start at getting together for a movie. I asked him once: "do you want to be my friend?" He emailed back: "for the record, I'd rather be more than friends, but that's just me I guess." I emailed back I couldn't believe he would still have feelings for me, and talked about how my depression messes everything up. Both him and I have fairly low self-esteem, so I don't think either of us got up enough gumption to do anything about actually getting back together.

 

Then last Friday I ran into him, and still love him. Standing on the street I told him I really miss him, he said he missed me too. He asked how I was doing, I said not good, work/grad school/depression/isolation. I asked if he wanted to go to a movie. He said yes, then said let's go to this getaway mountain town instead for the day. I was so happy, some person wanted to spend time with me, someone I cared about. I wasn't thinking about getting back together with him.

 

We had a great day, he was so nice to me like it used to be. On the way home, I asked him if he wanted to watch some DVDs but figured he'd say no b/c we'd just spent 6 hours together. But he said yes. Ended up at his place. After a while he started touching me (my feet actually) like he did when we were together (no, nothing nasty but definitely intimate). After a couple of hours, it was late and time for me to leave. He asked me gently if I wanted to stay. I did. He knows me very well: I do NOT have casual sex. I assumed he wanted to be with me again romantically. We did make love. The next morning he was so sweet again, like he used to be, saying adoring things, it was great.

 

But about noon-time it got weird. I don't know for sure what I did or said, maybe it was that I still love him. It ended with him saying we shouldn't have "hooked up" (a phrase he never used before), I got very shaky and upset, wanted to leave. He had me stay, sat on the couch, said we should just be friends. I was panicked and hurt, almost begged him to consider still dating. He said I need to start hanging out with my friends again, which just made me feel like a desperate loser. He had me stay and watch another DVD. When I left, I was freaked out, got withdrawn.

 

Next day I email him this:

Dear E***,

I'm having a horribly difficult time with this. I really messed up over the past 4 months, there are so many things I should have done differently. I'm sorry if it scares you that I still love you, but I can't help it. I shouldn't have been pushing those feelings down all of this time. I think you must still have feelings for me, otherwise you wouldn't have asked me to stay Saturday night, but I've hurt you before so you don't want to go through it again. I'd give anything, I mean anything to make you feel safe that that won't happen again. I really believe that how we were this past summer is not who we are as people. I know I'd never let myself get like that again: being withdrawn, non-intimate, frozen. I'm so sorry I did that to you, and that is not how I felt about you. I was very frightened by the problem I was having, and terrified that you would end up hating me like my ex-husband. I've gotten over that problem I was having, evident from Saturday night. I feel like I'm dying inside because of really messing this up. I can't believe that being with me on Saturday night was just a 'hook up' to you. I know that is not who you are. The chaplain stopped by office today, I know he doesn't know you but he's known me and about you for long enough that he thinks there's a great deal of hope for us.

 

I'm not going to give up on you.

 

Love,

J***

 

Then I emailed and asked if he would like to work on his car together or go shopping this weekend. He emailed back "how about a movie?" We chatted back and forth in a dozen emails. I mentioned that I was making plans to hang out with some friends this weekend, he encouraged me, even a guy friend. That kinda hurt, but, okay, part of getting over things. Later in the day I emailed to confirm if he really wanted to go to the movie (I was trying to firm up my sked with friends, and figured I he really didn't want to go, might as well hear it now than get blown off Sunday and miss a girlfriend's invite to a superbowl party.

 

He was cagey in his reply, I pushed a little, he said "not in email".

 

I emailed "either pls call soon or just tell me yes or no".

 

He emailed back: "I'd like to go to a movie, but I don't want to get married afterward."

 

That was horrible, I tried to make light of it, emailed back: Ha, very funny, I think(?) Kinda like how I don't want to get f^cked afterwards? Dude, if you don't want to go, just say so (or maybe not suggest it next time?) so I can firm up my sked. I can go to the superbowl party w/ Debbie instead if you don't want to go, no worries!

:-) J

 

He emailed back: "knock yourself out and have a great time".

 

So, last night I was really sad, facing realization he didn't care about me. My sister talked me through it, made me realize that I should be angry, not sad b/c of the "married afterward" insult. So, after a sleepless night of anxiety, I decided to go work and forget all about him, the emails, the 'hook-up', everything: move on.

 

There were 3 emails and a phone call from him waiting for me at work. Dammit!

 

One of the emails:: "J***, I'm very sorry about all of this, and for how this week has transpired. Would it be possible to have lunch, dinner or coffee sometime this weekend (including Friday) to discuss at length in person?

E***"

 

I was scared, confused. When he's sent and called that much in the past, it's because he loves me and was crazy to get ahold of me. So I called him. I should not have. I said I didn't want to get together if it was going to be a repeat of the heartache of Sunday afternoon. He went off on a tangent, started asking me about the superbowl party. WTF? I got a weird feeling, could tell what that had to do with anything.

 

I said "listen, I don't want to drag this stuff out anymore, the writing is on the wall, you don't care about me, don't want to be with me, think I'm desperate. I don't want to have to hear about you not wanting to date me again over dinner. Why do you want to get together? Do you still have feelings? No, you made that apparent in email and the conversation on Sunday. I don't want to get together so you can apologize and make yourself feel better, I don't want to spend another any more time in agony."

 

He went on to say "I just wanted to take you out to apologize. I don't think there's a future for us."

 

I said "Wow, thanks so much for once again making me feel the heartache, you want to say it again? You want to say it again, go for it! Please do send me a bunch more frantic emails asking to get together, apologizing sweetly just like you used to do in the old days." Then I hung up the phone on him.

 

Then I did a horribly bitchy thing and sent him this email:

 

"Dinner? Aren't you afraid I'd expect to get "married afterwards"?

 

You know E***, that comment hurt more than anything you've ever said to me. In the past when you were crazy, just crazy in love with me or whenever ANYONE EVER liked me more than I liked them, I would have NEVER, EVER said anything to humiliate them about their feelings for me like that.

 

Don't play games with me, if you didn't want to go to a movie with me, you shouldn't have asked in the first place; you only did it to feel better about turning down my asking you to get together. The only reason I asked again to confirm the movie was my gut was telling me you weren't sincere about it in the first place, and to try to plan my Sunday with friends. After all, as you pointed out: (1) I have no friends that are not "a mile wide and 1/2 inch deep", (2) I need to get out with other people because I'm obviously loathsomely pathetic for still having feelings for you.

 

I can't imagine with your busy schedule you'd waste a Friday night on me, you're too busy with all of your new, deep friends and Friday night Battlestar Gallactica with Gretchen and her other ex-boyfriend. Hmmm, maybe you'll get lucky and get to have a threesome with them, you can say to them "I know you want to **** me, I know you want to get ****ed". I'm sure they'd appreciate that piece of poetry a hell of a lot more than I did last Saturday night. I could not believe you said that to me. I should have known right there and then you didn't care about me: I was making love and you were ****ing me. You’re 40 years old pulling a one night stand on someone who you KNEW was in an extremely vulnerable state of mind and loved you and cared about you deeply.

 

I know you like to think you’re morally superior to Troy. That’s a joke. YOU are the one who initiated the intimacy on the couch and by asking me to stay the night. Troy NEVER did that, it was always me. But in the aftermath, Troy ALWAYS had the decency to call me the next day, at least tried to date me, keep checking in to make sure I was okay, initiated and took me out as a friend. THAT’s why I still care about him as a person, not some twisted thing you built up in your head.

 

I think the only reason you want to get together with me this weekend is to make YOURSELF feel better for what has transpired. You stopped caring about me back in Saudi Arabia. I swore to myself 4 years ago I would never let some guy make me feel like I wish I was dead, but so much for that."

 

So, that's where I am right now. I wrote a horrible letter to him, I've never said those type of horrible things before. I know it was wrong of me. And I deserve any bad karma coming from my dysfunctionality. I'll probably never hear from him again, which is for the best, right?

[jerbear]

Hurt is one of the stages. I would suggest what most would suggest, no contact and stay strict. If he is stringing you along, he will keep on doing it.

 

Is He 40? or your're 40? Interesting thing... I'm after an older woman. Might get insights from you.

 

Sorry I digress. I will be hard and loss; I feel it but what he made his stance known. More like a friends with benefits and no chance of a long term relationship.

 

You mentioned Troy. You friends with him? If you have feelings for him, keep in it check as you are rebounding.

 

Before you contact him again, keep it in check; write it out then read it an hour later. If it sounds bad, it probably is.

[Jpain]

Thanks jerbear, that helps. We're both 40 yrs old.

 

He used to be a good guy, would never 'hook up'. Obviously he did. Which of course makes me very hurt. But I can't understand why he's changed as a person. I suppose I never will. And I won't investigate further.

 

I feel bad for him in a way. I'm thinking he's kind of turned into a horndog, like with the nasty sex talk in bed that night. I have a feeling he's been looking at a lot of porn. I suppose I should be glad I don't think he's as good of a guy anymore to make my heart feel better. But it just makes me sad for him. Maybe I'm an idiot, maybe he was a horndog all along.

 

Oh yes, I learned my lesson with Troy, I will not rebound with him. E*** was always jealous of him, so I ended up dumping Troy as a friend. I guess the good that comes out of this is that Troy and I can be friends again. We both no to never be with each other again.

 

I won't go into a rebound relationship. I feel like I never want to date anyone ever again. I'm not in the mental or physical state necessary to even attract anyone that I would be attracted to. God, I wish I was dead. (don't worry I won't commit suicide, I'm too chicken to do that.) Plus, I know my heart couldn't take another beating, so I'd be too afraid to let some guy in. E*** was the only guy in the past ten years that made me think I might want to get married again, when I thought I'd never want to get married again. God, this hurts so bad.

[tanbark813]

E*** was the only guy in the past ten years that made me think I might want to get married again, when I thought I'd never want to get married again.

 

Well on the bright side that means that once this pain passes (and it will) then in the future it's possible you'll find another person who makes you feel that way. It's pretty common for a person to swear off men or women when they go through a breakup but it's almost always a temporary thing.

 

As for the last email you sent him, it wasn't a horrible thing to do. You were just expressing yourself. You didn't write anything over the line or anything he didn't deserve. I can understand the pain but you don't have anything to feel guilty about, IMHO.

[jerbear]

Maybe I'm an idiot, maybe he was a horndog all along.

 

You are not an idiot, they say guys think about sex more than women, so you are not an idiot. Coming from my experience, I did get horndoged a few times; so I can relate.

 

I won't go into a rebound relationship. I feel like I never want to date anyone ever again. I'm not in the mental or physical state necessary to even attract anyone that I would be attracted to. God, I wish I was dead. (don't worry I won't commit suicide, I'm too chicken to do that.) Plus, I know my heart couldn't take another beating, so I'd be too afraid to let some guy in. E*** was the only guy in the past ten years that made me think I might want to get married again, when I thought I'd never want to get married again. God, this hurts so bad.

 

This is a good feeling, it too shall pass. Hurt and being depressed unfortunately are part of the healing process. Well your physical state from your avatar seems fine to me. Healing hearts take time. An ex once told me that if it doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. (She broke up with me and I'm still alive)

 

Tomorrow will be another day and one day a guy out of nowhere (younger? maybe) will be smitten by you and ask you to marry him. Both of you being afraid, yes but you'll know it is time.

 

Keep us posted.