major jealousy issues

[Socrates]

My fiancee has some serious issues with jealousy. I don't think I can fully describe how bad it is, but I'll try.

 

Now, a little background. We met online about 6 years ago and became very good friends. We helped each other through everything...heartbreaks, the death of her mother...everything. We finally decided to get together about 18 months ago and, for the most part, we've been very satisfied. It's a long-distance relationship, but it's worked so far. Back when we first got together, (about 18 months ago) she made out with a couple of other guys...I pretty much just shrugged that off, because we had barely been together. Plus, we met on the internet and are in a long-distance relationship, so it didn't really feel like it was real at the beginning.

 

We have since spent quite a bit of time together. She came down to live with me this summer, and it was the happiest time of my life...I think hers too. We got engaged at the beginning of the summer and plan to be married in March '07.

 

She had some issues with previous relationships...her last boyfriend before me was a complete jerk and very controlling. Back in the fall, she broke up with me for a short time, insisting that it was only temporary. In that time, she had sex with another guy from her past. She admitted it, and I forgave her, although I still think about it a lot and it still bothers me.

 

Now, here are some of the things I have to deal with, when it comes to jealous:

 

Anytime I mention a female coworker or classmate, she gets jealous and wants to know how I know them, how well I know them, what we talk about, etc. She has admitted before that she would be happier if I would sever ties with any other female contact that I have.

 

My fiancee is a little overweight. Not by much, but she seems to think that she's a blimp...I still refer to her as hot, and I know several other people who think so as well. Everyone I know at least describes her as "pretty." She has a majorly negative self-image and thinks that, in order to be pretty, she has to look like Jessica Simpson. It probably doesn't help that she constantly buys the Hollywood-style magazines where all the women have hour-glass figures and DD breasts.

 

She thinks that it is somehow morally wrong for me to think that other girls are pretty.

 

She insists that I should voluntarily want to avoid seeing another woman in revealing clothes, at all costs. I can't even imagine what it wouuld be like to go spend a day at the beach with her.

 

I'm 23 years old and I have to cover my eyes if there are any nudity scenes in a movie that I might be watching. You can imagine how little fun it is to watch TV or a movie when she's around. Anytime there's a sexual joke on TV, she gets mad at the people who wrote the joke. If there are any women in any kind of revealing clothes, we always end up fighting because she thinks I should go out of my way to avoid seeing them at all. And she usually starts saying things like "why do they have to put those women on TV?" as if there is no possible legitimate reason for it. When she asks if I want to see other women naked, I try to make her understand that I honestly do not care. It's not that I want to see them naked. It's that I'm a grown adult, I'm mature enough to handle it without getting horny, and I genuinely do not care. To her, there is no middle ground. I either have to want to gawk at them, or I have to want to avoid them at all costs.

 

We were in a mall department store one time, and I mentioned that there was a mannequin with it's nipples poking out. She then proceeded to get jealous of the mannequin.

 

Every time someone mentions that a girl is "hot" she starts berating me with questions about if I think the girl is "hot." To her, the word "hot" is synonymous with "oh my God, I want to **** that girl's brains out."

 

If I'm out in public with her, I cannot let my eyes veer off to either side. I have to look straight ahead. If I happen to be looking to one side and am unfortunate enough to have a woman walk through my field of vision, I am accused of staring.

 

HELP

[barfool]

This girl has some serious problems. It sounds like nothing you have been doing should prompt any of her behaviours. She needs to understand that her feelings of jealousy can be controlled. They come from her bad self-esteem and insecurity in your relationship. She is afraid of losing you if you look at another woman.

 

She needs to know that this is her problem. You are doing nothing to deserve the $hit she has been giving you. Tell her that you are sorry that she feels that bad about herself and doubts your devotion to her, but this is affecting your relationship and needs to stop. Maybe some professional counseling would be a good idea.

[witabix]

You are under WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE!!!!

 

I have no idea how you deal with this.

 

If she wants you to only ever see her she is being completely unreasinable. But of course that is what jealousy is.

 

You can try to reassure her, but I'm feeling that is going to be a long job, are you up for that?

[jennifer1983]

Wel I could be walking up to the execution post on this one but out of guilt I must admit:

 

The issues your gf has seem similar to my own insecurity and jealousy well there a few minor differences like I dont mind who I am with to watch porn or see naked women on tv and what not.

However to the point, nothing you do can change her she has to decide to work on her issues herself. MIND YOU, if you stick around and reassure her that there is nothing to worry about and try to help her she may in time be able to trust you. MY issues are based on my insecurity and the fact I was cheated on so many times in the past. In some way I feel like I can try to stop someone from doing me wrong before they do it I know that seems ridiculous but its like in the heat of the moment when something happens and I get jealous, I panic.

I have had guys that either A) let me walk all over them and control them or B) yell at me and never want to help my problem out any. If I see that I can have complete control over a guy then yeah sometimes I do make things worse and something trivial I would have never got upset over with anyone else I do anyway just to test him I guess to see if I have that control. Bad I know.

What broke me of all that was meeting someone who stood his ground. Yes, on the bigger issues he would let me have my way. He let me see that he would bend if I would. He let me see how ridiculous some of the small things I made such a huge deal over really were. I see how stupid I was, and how I even hated myself at times for letting me get that far. Sometimes I really didnt have control over my thoughts, but if I really loved a guy and saw I was pushing him that far as far as you say you have been pushed I would sit down and have a talk with him. I would tell him the really important things that mean the most to me that would help with my problems. Then I would ask him what I do that bothers him the most and in what ways I could help him see that I really cared.

If she really truly cares for you, and its more than just a control game she will back down with some of the problems she has, I had too. It is very hard and having a supportive partner there for you really helps push you to get the help she needs.

Good luck.

[luckygirlEMU]

Wow, what a hypocrite.

 

I think it's great that you guys are in love, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life that way? She's totally controlling you.

 

If you really love her and want to help her get through this, stand by her side and encourage her to seek professional therapy. This isn't really something a bunch of amateurs in a forum can heal... this is serious business. Be supportive and realize that there's always a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

However, if you're starting to get cold feet or are really plagued by her past behavior and cheating, you should move on. It's a really hard thing to do, especially when you've been through so many emotional things together (like her mother passing.) But you have to recognize that you're not on this earth to be somebody's punching bag or to be controlled or to play psychologist. Do what's best for YOU.

 

You're very patient because if it were me, I would have already said, "Hey why do you care if I see nudity in a movie, aren't you the one who cheated?"

 

 

Good luck.

[Guest]

Do Not Marry Her!

[catgirl1927]

Poor thing. I know EXACLTY how she feels.

 

She's taking it WAY to the extreme though. I am concerned about strippers, largely because I know they are trying to get guys to have sex with them because they want the money. Guys do it because they are perfect and every guy wants them. That's an issue for another thread though...

 

Therapy helps. Really. I had it for a while, to get through my divorce, and I'm going to start going again to help with these self esteem issues. It has nothing to do with you, and you are not doing anything wrong. She needs to deal with this and not push her issues off on you, because she's driving you away. Then she'll be insecure and will have lost a great guy, and that will really suck for her.

 

That said, 23 is a little young to get married. But that's just my opinion, people do it all the time.

[Toni_no12002]

I used to be exactly the same as her.I do feel for her alot because it hurts.I feel sorry for you as it cant be easy for you either obviously.I dont think shes mental because ive been through it and i dont know why but now it doesnt bother me as much.

 

i realised that its normal to think other people are pretty as long as your not rubbing it in your gfs face.

 

I think this has got alot to do with the way she sees herself.I hated myself for a long time.I thought i was ugly and i blanked compliments off people just thinking they where trying to be nice.Everytime my boyfriend looked at another woman i would think that he was looking at her because i was ugly.

 

i think that counselling could help.If not she could work on making herself feel beautiful again.She needs to realise that if you was looking at other women it doesnt change the way you feel about her.

 

One way i realised things was that if i saw a good looking bloke down the street i didnt think oh i want to f**k him and hes way better than my boyfriend.I just thought he good looking.Thats about it.So i thought maybe thats whats happening with my boyfriend.

 

I knew that where ever i went there would be good looking people.Tell your girlfriend shes beautiful.Also name other reasons why you want her and no one else.It could be something really stupid that she does but you love it.I think shes become obssessed in beauty and thinks for anyone to like her she has to be perfect.I blame those stupid magazines and celebs!There all not that good looking anyway!if i had loads of money for plastic surgery,personal trainers, airbrushing and things id probs look like them too.So would anyone else!

[For You I Will]

I know what you GF feels like!! I was 14 when i met my BF of 4 years. He was my first BF & we met eachother online. I became so JEALOUS, he couldn't even go downstairs when his sister-n-law was over. Everytime we went out, I accused him of looking at other girls. He could NEVER have any friends that were girls. It is definitley a self-esteem issue. How is her relationship w/ her father? I was always getting yelled at by my father, & was never allowed to do ANYTHING. From that, I think I used my experiences towards my relationships by never allowing my partner to do everyday, normal things. Like seeing a movie that "had girls in it," talking to a friend thats a girl," or anything concerning ''girls.''

 

Ask her why she is like this, & why she feels that you are always staring at other women. Tell her that it is wrong to be like this & very unhealthy. Unfortunately, my jealousy led to my breakup..& I have learned that it is NORMAL to talk to your female family members. She is not confident w/ herself. I know, b/c I wasn't. Once she fully embraces who she is, & what she looks like, then your relationship will be a better one.

 

I hope it works out for ya... Take it easy.