major problem with fiancee's jealousy

[Socrates]

My fiancee has some serious issues with jealousy. I don't think I can fully describe how bad it is, but I'll try.

 

Now, a little background. We met online about 6 years ago and became very good friends. We helped each other through everything...heartbreaks, the death of her mother...everything. We finally decided to get together about 18 months ago and, for the most part, we've been very satisfied. It's a long-distance relationship, but it's worked so far. Back when we first got together, (about 18 months ago) she made out with a couple of other guys...I pretty much just shrugged that off, because we had barely been together. Plus, we met on the internet and are in a long-distance relationship, so it didn't really feel like it was real at the beginning.

 

We have since spent quite a bit of time together. She came down to live with me this summer, and it was the happiest time of my life...I think hers too. We got engaged at the beginning of the summer and plan to be married in March '07.

 

She had some issues with previous relationships...her last boyfriend before me was a complete jerk and very controlling. Back in the fall, she broke up with me for a short time, insisting that it was only temporary. In that time, she had sex with another guy from her past. She admitted it, and I forgave her, although I still think about it a lot and it still bothers me.

 

Now, here are some of the things I have to deal with, when it comes to jealous:

 

Anytime I mention a female coworker or classmate, she gets jealous and wants to know how I know them, how well I know them, what we talk about, etc. She has admitted before that she would be happier if I would sever ties with any other female contact that I have.

 

My fiancee is a little overweight. Not by much, but she seems to think that she's a blimp...I still refer to her as hot, and I know several other people who think so as well. Everyone I know at least describes her as "pretty." She has a majorly negative self-image and thinks that, in order to be pretty, she has to look like Jessica Simpson. It probably doesn't help that she constantly buys the Hollywood-style magazines where all the women have hour-glass figures and DD breasts.

 

She thinks that it is somehow morally wrong for me to think that other girls are pretty.

 

She insists that I should voluntarily want to avoid seeing another woman in revealing clothes, at all costs. I can't even imagine what it wouuld be like to go spend a day at the beach with her.

 

I'm 23 years old and I have to cover my eyes if there are any nudity scenes in a movie that I might be watching. You can imagine how little fun it is to watch TV or a movie when she's around. Anytime there's a sexual joke on TV, she gets mad at the people who wrote the joke. If there are any women in any kind of revealing clothes, we always end up fighting because she thinks I should go out of my way to avoid seeing them at all. And she usually starts saying things like "why do they have to put those women on TV?" as if there is no possible legitimate reason for it. When she asks if I want to see other women naked, I try to make her understand that I honestly do not care. It's not that I want to see them naked. It's that I'm a grown adult, I'm mature enough to handle it without getting horny, and I genuinely do not care. To her, there is no middle ground. I either have to want to gawk at them, or I have to want to avoid them at all costs.

 

We were in a mall department store one time, and I mentioned that there was a mannequin with it's nipples poking out. She then proceeded to get jealous of the mannequin.

 

Every time someone mentions that a girl is "hot" she starts berating me with questions about if I think the girl is "hot." To her, the word "hot" is synonymous with "oh my God, I want to **** that girl's brains out."

 

If I'm out in public with her, I cannot let my eyes veer off to either side. I have to look straight ahead. If I happen to be looking to one side and am unfortunate enough to have a woman walk through my field of vision, I am accused of staring.

 

HELP

[clandestinidad]

SHEEESH!!! After over 6 years you'd think she was more confident in how you feel about her!!!

 

I suggest you think loooong and hard about marrying this person. It's not too far from the realm of possibility that she locks you up in the house like a dog when she's not there.

 

Her insecurity should never make you walk on eggshells like this. I consider this an abusive relationship. Google the signs of an abusive relationship please (obviously its not physical....wait, maybe it is and you just didnt write about it)

 

But anyway, seriously step outside the relationship for a few moments and take in the information, and compare it to what youre living in.....a prison.

 

While females tend towards insecurity issues, this is far from normal.

 

Actually, I like doing research....and I'll look up the signs to save you time/energy....plus I'm bored

[clandestinidad]

Obviously not all of these apply in every situation, but the more there are, the more abusive it is. I took the liberty of highlighting just the signs I saw in your ONE post. Tell me if there are more.

 

You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she:

 

Is jealous or possessive toward you.

(Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships; it is also a core component of Sexual Addictions and Love Addiction.)

 

Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding.

 

Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships.

 

Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly.

 

Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with.

 

Abuses drugs or alcohol.

 

Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. (This is a core diagnostic criteria for Codependency.)

 

Blames you when he or she mistreats you.

 

Has a history of bad relationships.

 

Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being.

 

You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do.

 

Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends.

 

Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child.

 

Your partner "rages" when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control.

 

Both parties in abusive relationships may develop or progress in drug or alcohol dependence in a (dysfunctional) attempt to cope with the pain.

 

You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of your friends, family and loved ones.

 

You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do.

 

Does the person you love...

• constantly keep track of your time?

 

• act jealous and possessive?

 

• accuse you of being unfaithful or flirting?

 

• discourage your relationships with friends and family?

 

• prevent or discourage you from working, interacting with friends or attending school?

 

• constantly criticize or belittle you?

 

• control all finances and force you to account for what you spend? (Reasonable cooperative budgeting excepted.)

 

• humiliate you in front of others? (Including "jokes" at your expense.)

 

• destroy or take your personal property or sentimental items?

 

• have affairs?

 

• threaten to hurt you, your children or pets? Threaten to use a weapon?

 

• push, hit, slap, punch, kick, or bite you or your children?

 

• force you to have sex against your will, or demand sexual acts you are uncomfortable with?

[Socrates]

Thanks for the replies. I don't really consider the relationship abusive, though. I've gotten to the point where I can pretty much handle everything. Most of the time it isn't even an issue; it just flares up sometimes, particularly when she's PMSing.

 

I try to explain to her that this isn't normal and that most girls don't care about these things. She always responds to that by saying that she doesn't care what other girls are like; this is just how she is and she thinks the other girls are wrong.

 

I try to get her to go to counseling but she is extremely reluctant to do it. Plus, she always turns it around by asking me why I don't go to counseling, and why I think she's the only one who needs it.

 

I can't see myself breaking up with her...regardless of how much her jealousy bothers me, I am still happy with her. And I would be completely and utterly miserable if we broke up. The two week period when she broke up with me in the fall was more than I could bear.

[clandestinidad]

she always turns it around by asking me why I don't go to counseling, and why I think she's the only one who needs it.

 

abusive tactic

 

The two week period when she broke up with me in the fall was more than I could bear

 

I bet it was...especially after you found out she conveniently had sex with someone else (not the only time, either)

 

Anyway, I dont know what else to comment on here, since you seem to be okay with her treating you like this. Maybe you were just venting, and thats great. Good luck with this girl

[Socrates]

Not saying your wrong, but how is that an abusive tactic?

 

She only had sex with that one other guy...while it will always be inexcusable, I don't believe that she broke up with me for that specific purpose. And I can tell how terrible she feels about it.

 

I suppose it sounds like I'm just trying to rationalize everything. I love her so much though...the thought of breaking up with her tears me apart.

[RainyDayWoman]

the thought of breaking up with her tears me apart.

 

so does being with her.

 

you're not in a healthy relationship. i would at least break off the engagement until you find some sort of balance between the two of you. i do not think it will not work out otherwise.

 

you put up with it right now--so you will either put up with it forever, or until you start to resent her and dislike her altogether.

 

she is walking all over you because you let her. show her she can't, or let her beat your manhood to a pulp...she's on her way.

[Socrates]

I admit that I probably need to take some time to my own. But, no, the thought of being with her does not tear me apart. As I said, this only flares up occasionally and it doesn't last more than a day whenever it happens. It's also gotten less frequent and we're both much better at handling it than we used to be.

[Socrates]

As for the thing about how she tries to control me, here's what she says...I tell her that I won't let her control me. She responds by saying that she won't tell me what to do, but that I should respect her feelings and not keep my eyes open during nudy scenes.

 

She pretty much capitulated on the whole female coworkers and friends thing. She doesn't bother me about that anymore. I think she realized how controlling that was, and I'm hoping her jealousy on everything else follows suit.

[RainyDayWoman]

I admit that I probably need to take some time to my own. But, no, the thought of being with her does not tear me apart. As I said, this only flares up occasionally and it doesn't last more than a day whenever it happens. It's also gotten less frequent and we're both much better at handling it than we used to be.

 

that's not what your first post indicated.

 

not to mention she cheated on you.

 

go for it, if the love/hate/denial kind of relationship is what you want. you're apparently going to defend this girl (who treats you terribly) against everything everyone here says, so why did you ask for advice?

[Socrates]

Okay, there's no need to be mean. Yes, I admit that she does not treat me well. I wasn't trying to defend her reasoning at all...I was just throwing it out there so maybe someone could tell me what to say to her when she says that. All advice is much appreciated and, believe me, I'm thinking long and hard about it.

[Sunshine2003]

My bf is in the same boat as you. It's hard living with a jealous person...my bf does with me. I must say though that it is not easy being a jealous person though; it is a nightmare. It is a tough battle to fight. Does she admit that she has a problem? That is the first step...and then she needs some counseling. That's what I'm about to do. I hate being jealous. My bf hates me be jealous. We've only been together for 2 years...but still...

 

I have my own post in here about my bf and his work as a personal fitness trainer and how I get insanely jealous because he works with some women that he finds attractive. Like your gf, I am a bit overweight and I struggle with self esteem issues and I HATE it when he says that someone else is attractive. Warning: Do not take her to the beach until you have dealt with this. I can't go right now because of the issues that it brings up. So tell me, men can work with females who he finds attractive..and she can wear tight clothes...and he honestly does not think that he want to **** with her?

[Socrates]

Yes, men can see attractive women and not want to **** them...I do it all the time.

 

Anyway, we had a long conversation last night. In the end, she agreed to go to her student counseling center. I'm gonna go to mine too, but for advice rather than counseling.

 

She has gotten much better over the months and my main problem right now is the thing about TV. That probably seems trivial, but it drives me insane.

 

Thanks to all those who offered advice...it really did help. I even used some of the points that you made when we talked last night

[Cecelius]

I see serious problems here.

 

You g/f made out with a couple of guys (which you can get past because she wasn't yet truly exclusive with you) AND notwithstanding being a virgin breaks up with you and gives it up to some other guy during a "short time" away from you, but despite all of that, she's jealous of you?

 

She is emotionally needy in the extreme, and she needs a man to fill up the part of her personality that she cannot fill on her own.

 

I would regard her as a potential cheater waiting to happen -- when she gets to the point where your relationship with her no longer fills her emotional needs (which it will, again), she will be at extreme risk of cheating on you.