"Silent all these years"

[i'mhurt]

It’s my story and I’m sticking to it. My wife and I have been separated since August 12th 05’ (Married January 00’). She left with her belongings and our 5 year son. Let’s rewind to the beginning of the end, problems started in Dec 04’, consisting of typical marital issues, lack of communication (on my part), inability to compromise, financial disputes, child-rearing conflicts etc. I didn’t realize at the time that the lack of communication (on my part) would be the demise to our marriage. “It will work itself out”, I thought. But it never did. I have problems with expressing my emotions (lack of emotional intimacy she would say – but she knew I was an introverted person since the beginning of our relationship) so I tend to guard myself. When asked about my feelings with regards to our relationship I would become silent, I guess I was “Silent all these years”. And now I realize our relationship was one-sided emotionally and damaged our marriage, it finally took a toll on her and she left me. I never meant to hurt her, I had issues of emotional intimacy (which now I realize and will be seeing a counselor). Sure I made attempts to express my feelings, but I didn’t know how. My failed attempts to express my emotions were through praising her with compliments, being more affectionate, etc. She just was not buying it.

 

When she left in August, I was ok with it (kind of sort of), “She’ll change her mind”, I thought. I didn’t “really” do anything for her to leave me right? Come on; I didn’t cheat on her, abuse her physically (well now I realize that there was emotional abuse), etc. So I didn’t breakdown in tears (because I lack the emotional intimacy of course), or try to stop her from leaving. However, I was resistant when it involved our son; I felt she was taken my son away, destroying our marriage, etc. When she wanted to make arrangements with regards to our son, things like when he’ll be at the house or her new place, I was not very cooperative, I was angry at her for leaving me right? Eventually we created a schedule for our son, I had him on the weekends and she had him during the week. We could at least both agree that we had to make it as easy as possible for our son to adjust to this situation by providing the same amount of love and attention as before the separation.

 

So as time passed I became angry, confused, distant from friends (she was my best friend), family (BTW our family is 3000 miles away and I’m not very close to my family anyway) lonely, hurt, disinterested in hobbies, paranoid (that she left me for another guy but she claims that she has no interest in that) angry again, etc. I was on downward spiral to an emotional breakdown. I just didn’t understand what happen. Mack truck smack in the head confused. She did at one point (end of August) call me and left a message saying that it was a mistake leaving, maybe we should try to work things out, but I unfortunately was at the angry stage and I ignored her call. What a big mistake. I of course regret it. So the vicious circle continues. As more time passed I did get less angry, but I was still confused and distant from the outside world (which by the way is very limited – she was my world). On rare occasions, however, we would have lunch or spend some time together as a family, so I had continued to have hope in which things would work out eventually.

 

I eventually had the courage to ask her if there’s a chance for us (I didn’t before because of the fear of rejection), she said, “I’m pass it”, “I’ve moved on”. But I didn’t believe her, because she would say often, “I still love you”. So of course I was more confused and hurt. But I continued to have hope. I use to email her my feelings and express my love for her, but I wasn’t getting the response I wanted, so it hurt me more. I eventually had to stop emailing her because it was just rotting me from the inside; I perceived her lack of response as being cold and distant (ironical huh?).

 

So after 5 – ½ months of this routine I was relatively in control – at least I thought I was in control. This past Monday, however, things got a little interesting; I mentioned that I was going away to the desert (which I’ve been going to a lot). She did not respond in a good way, “I have him all week, I have to take him to school, do homework with him and I need my weekends!” she said. I responded, “All this (meaning the separation) was not my idea”. I passed on the responsibility because I felt I was treated unjustly, so why should I care about your weekends, I thought. So we continued to have a heated argument (I unfortunately don’t remember the specifics because I’ve been forgetting things a lot lately), I know I had hung up, called her back, continue to argue, hang up again, etc. I was now at the bottom of the downward spiral and the emotional breakdown started. All the emotions I had pent-up over my lifetime was now trying to pour out, I balled up on the floor, attempting to cry out loud; but nothing came out. Alone, desperate and cold in my big empty house; I now was started the process of healing (I didn’t know that at the time of course). But things got a lot worse before they got better (all relative of course because I’m not much better right now).

 

After a restless night (maybe 2 hours of sleep), I forced myself to go to work. All day my mind raced around with thoughts of my current situation. That it’s over between us. I was slowly realizing that I had to except the inevitable demise of our relationship. I had reached an all time low, rock bottom at this point of the separation process.

 

At the end of work day I was to pick up our son from school. At least I had remembered that she wanted me to, so I started to drive towards my son’s school (which BTW is right next to her house), and I started to get this strange intuitive feeling (my gut felt like it was tearing me up from the inside) that I should go to her house. At the same time I felt wrong for even thinking I should go to her house but I did anyway. I didn’t know what I would find. But I needed answers that she wasn’t giving me, is she seeing someone? I’m I a fool for still having hope? She left her door unlocked (I have keys anyway), and I went straight to her room and saw her laptop. I know I know I evaded her privacy. This behavior is very much out of character for me, I was at this point very distraught. The first thing I find is a picture of this guy on her desktop, I thought, “who the hell is that?!?!” So I continued to prod (BTW, why do people do this to themselves, be so self destructive) and found an entire folder of photos of this guy. Some photos were pretty racy, half nude shots, crotch shots (clothed BTW), etc. At this point I was hyperventilating, furious, felt betrayed, delirious, etc. I continued to find other evidence that she had been dating other men. In the middle of this alarming discovery I heard a noise at the door. I couldn’t believe I was getting caught; I shut the laptop and rushed out into the living room. It was my wife and son (I had apparently forgot that it wasn’t today I should have picked him up from school) standing at the front door. I immediately asked who Marcel (the half naked guy) was? He’s my friend, she said. I berated her with questions, if he’s your friend why do you have a photo of him your desktop and entire library of half naked pics in a folder? She was getting flustered and tried to dodge my questions, saying he’s the foreign exchange from blah blah, he doesn’t live her, etc. But then she snapped and yelped, “It’s none of your business!” I’m filing for a divorce! She exclaimed. Ouch, my poor little ego was shattered in little pieces in her apartment. She was getting defensive (and she had everyone right to because I had invaded her private space – I eventually profusely apologized for doing so), and angry. She continued to say; yes I have interest in him but his lives in another country. After a few moments of verbal battle, we both composed ourselves. I was however, at the brink of complete emotional breakdown. I never mention the other findings of her deception of other men she’s been seeing. I didn’t feel it was necessary; I had found what I was looking for.

 

She asked if I wanted to stay for dinner, I said I wasn’t hungry but I stuck around anyway. We talked civilly. I had told her about my feelings for her, I poured out my heart to her, I told her I missed her, etc. At this point my inability the prior night to shed tears was quickly remedied this day, I suddenly cried like a baby in front of my son and wife. It felt good to just let it go. I wasn’t mad at her, because I realized that I had pushed her away not intentionally, but through my behavior over the years. I was sad and regretful for what has happened. But I wished she could have been honest with me sooner about these guys (then again she doesn’t know I know about these other guys). I would have started my healing process a lot sooner. I eventually went home. A tough moment leaving that night, I wanted to stay with my son and wife forever.

 

So that night I continued to struggle with my new findings. The realization that it’s over is very painful. I had no sleep this night. But I managed to go to work the next day but of course I couldn’t focus on my job (good thing I’m not a pilot). I had talked to a co-worker about my situation and that helped. So I could feel that I was getting better. At least I could rationalize my feelings and now I just had to believe in them. Later that evening I bought some sominex, my body and mind needed rest. But before I went to bed (at less I hoped I would) I reflected and meditated. It worked I sleep through the night, well I did wake up a few times but I went back to sleep. The healing process is beginning.

 

Thanks in advance for reading. I think by sharing and expressing my feelings will help me through this process and better understand who I am. So thanks again for listening.

[UT_longhorn]

hey man...your thread really made me feel for you.

 

i have been recently hurt as well. its been a month for me and its still so very painful. it has been a very very long 33 days. each day is a new day of swirling emotions.

 

i sometimes feel that im never going to be ok..that i'll be stuck in this state forever, but i know that i have healed and will continue to heal.

 

there is no way but up from here imhurt. take each step one day at a time man. i know for someone with a child no contact is not an option, but i would try to minimize the contact as much as possible.

 

have you ever tried to ask your wife to go to counseling? you might give her some time and in a few weeks/months ask her if she would try.

 

keep your head up brother.

[i'mhurt]

Thanks for your kind words.

 

One day at a time is all I can do. Yea, NC is not possible because I want to see my son everyday so therefore I’ll see her. So the minimum contact with her is hard to do (but masochistic side wants to see her anyway – but I know I shouldn’t). And when I see her, I’m sad and happy at the same time; what a weird feeling the duality of opposing emotions.

 

I did recently asked if she could join me to see a counselor, but she said not for our marriage (because she’s moved on) instead for my personal meetings. So I tried the waiting and hoping that she opens up to me gig, but no luck.

[Becoming]

Your post is touching in its honesty. I hope you can see that it is this kind of emotional vulnerability that your wife wanted all along.

 

Can you please help me understand why you were so emotionally checked out from world? It would help a lot of other people to know. So keep posting, ok?

[i'mhurt]

Yes, now I know that this is what she wanted all along, this kind of emotional vulnerability (actually I don’t like using that word – being weak and feeble but that’s ok I’m working on that trying to be more open and honest with my feelings). To her though it’s too late, in fact she resents me because I couldn’t provide the emotional intimacy during our relationship.

 

Why am I an emotional rubics cube? Good question, I’ll have to get back to you on that one. I’m guessing it’s watching my parent’s lack of affection and feelings towards each other as I was growing up. But as I go through this self discovery phase of my life, I’ll keep on sharing (very therapeutic this expressing of feelings stuff).

[Becoming]

Yes, it is therapeutic--not only for you but for everyone else who has similar problems, and it helps knowing you're not alone.

 

My husband was emotionally constipated for years, and I was dying from a lack of emotional connection. If we hadn't accidentally become pregnant a second time, I'm not sure we'd still be married either. It is extremely painful to be shut out of your spouse's inner life.

 

Problem is, he shut himself out, too. That was what was so painful to see. And he was clueless.

 

He told me last night that he was basically traumatized by having to move far away from everyone he knew at age 20 to start a career all alone (who wouldn't be?) He shut down emotionally just to keep going physically. He was basically afraid he'd fall apart if he didn't do this, though he didn't realize it at the time.

 

This survival strategy, though, guaranteed that he'd only be more alone. And receive not care but criticism from me, which compounded the problem.

 

Keep working through the therapy to find that part of yourself. It's not weak, just vulnerable like every other frail, fragile person on the planet. Sounds like you kinda beat yourself up for being "weak," though?

[i'mhurt]

She called my cell earlier, but I chose not to answer (attempting NC). I checked the message and it's about some money she owes me (she still helps with the mortgage). Ok, that’s fine. Then she just called again, this time I answered, normal chit chat kind of stuff, did you get my message earlier, I’m out looking for a new toy for our son, oh and bought you something. What, I thought. Why is she being nice to me? I don’t know how to take her kindness? I could act like everything is normal, but I know it’s not. During my emotional breakdown I asked if she wanted to spend some time together as a family this weekend (BTW, I’m not going to the desert – my chose), she said sure, but I don’t what you to think we’re getting back together. I know, I said but I was thinking part of me still has hope. But at the same time I’m not sure if spending time with her is good for me right now. I’ve been doing pretty well by myself contemplating my current situation and having her around may complicate things for me. Stuck in limbo.

[i'mhurt]

she droped off our son off this evening (it's my weekend) and it was very hard to see her. i distance myself from her as much as possible afraid of getting hurt. she doesn't know that i'm trying the NC right now. Our son was sort of acting out, saying I don't want to be here, I want to go to mom's house. at the time i was holding back my emotions, but after she left. I had to go to my room and let it out. i started balling like a big baby again. what is wrong with me? all these years i couldn't show my emotions (cry out loud) but now I was crying constantly. so i called her to let her know that I can't see her tomorrow (we're suppose to see a movie together as a family) but i just couldn't do it. it hurt too much to see her right now. i hope this feeling of pain passes soon because it's taken it's toll on me.

[UT_longhorn]

I hope you don't take offence to these words im hurt, but God is closest to those that are hurting.

 

I'm so sorry for your hurt. I can't even imagine what it must be like. I don't even think I have any real advice for you exept I know a woman that was left by her husbad of 22 years for another woman. it brought her to her knees. it brought her to the deepest tears that shes ever wept. suicide was her option.

 

she has turned her life around 180 degrees in a year. her strength is one that she never knew she had. and i know that man has the strength to move forward...and you do as well. even in your darkest hour you post your advice in my thread and for that im greatful as well as have great awe of your composure.

 

you say that you were a man of closed emotions. do you think after this you will ever be? i think you know now you are a man of emotions. no man is a rock and no man is an island.

 

i urge you to become a better man for your son. a better man for yourself wether she be in it or not. i doubt that your wife will be gone forever, especially with a son between you. i think you should take this time to really be introspective of what has occurred and what needs to occur. i've known couples reunite after months as well as decades. but changes must occur. and changes don't occur overnight.

 

i hope i dont sound preachy because that is completely not my intention. i just hope the best for you as i can hear the pain of your post jump off the screen.

 

one our...one day...at a time. the strongest swords are made of steel that has been tested through the fiercest fires.

[Becoming]

I'mhurt--Yeah, you found your emotions. You may also depressed. Chances are you were slightly depressed all along. I believe the term is dysthymia (sp?)--you can google it and see what comes up. You may even need some meds to help you through. Talk to your therapist about this. This is also a rather normal grief reaction. You've lost something very dear to you, only they didn't go completely away, keeping the wound open and making it harder to heal.

 

Did you tell her it hurts too much to see her? TELL HER WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU. I can guarantee she's scared of being hurt by you, too. But whatever she chooses, she needs to know so she cannot hurt you any more and honor your feelings, which I'm sure is what she always wanted. Don't shut her out without a word. Just tell her why you're behaving the way you are. Otherwise, she's figuring, "I knew better than to try to open myself up to him." And she'll shut you out with angry words or coldness or spite or whatever her way is.

 

You need to do this for your son, who's picking up on all the emotion between you two, as well as for yourself. NC won't work in divorce situations because you have a child. But you can determine the amount and kind of interaction you have with your x. Just figure out what it is you really want (her?), negotiate for it, and if you can't have what you really want, then negotiate for what you need in order to heal.

 

The crying will get better. But you've got years of stuff to get out. And if you're afraid you're in such trouble you can't care for your son, call your therapist and ask for help.

 

Blessings and prayers.

[i'mhurt]

LS has been a true blessing in disguise. You guys have been so supportive; honestly I don’t know how I will have survived through this week without this site. My first meeting with the therapist is not until Monday; so I was very fortunately to find you guys this week.

 

Yes, BECOMING I’ve known I’ve had some form of depression for many years. I was once diagnosed as being a manic depressant. But unfortunately I took the easy route and simply took the meds and no therapy. Too bad because I will be a happily married man to the woman I love right now; but this time around I plan to do it right (for me, for my son, for my family).

 

Well, BECOMING I took your advice and text messaged her and told her why I couldn’t see her today (it hurts to see her right now). She understood. I never replied back, I didn’t feel it was necessary. You mentioned that she is scared of being hurt by me; I would have never thought that. How can I hurt her while I’m in so much pain? But more I thought about it, it’s probably the case. I original thought it was her pride that prevented her from opening back up to me, but now I don’t think that is the case.

 

Yes, my son is priority. I’m constantly reminding myself it’s not always about me, so I put away my feelings of resentment, betrayal I sometimes have towards my wife and think about the needs of my son. Right now I feel LIMITED CONTACT with my wife is probably best for the healing process. But honestly I would love to just completely open myself to her and everything would work out.

 

UT_longhorn, no offence taken in fact a lot your kind words is truly helping me right now. I do see a future of me being a normal functioning happy person one day it’s just going to take a lot of work and time. When I read your post I to could feel your pain and I guess we just need each other in moments like this.

 

I’m determined to be a much better person, open, honest and in touch with my emotions, so no I will never be that closed, cold person again.

 

Thanks all

[Becoming]

You can read my take on living with someone who displays little emotion if it helps: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t80936/

Warning: it's a novella.

[UT_longhorn]

im hurt.

 

how are things going man? just wanted to check up on you.

[i'mhurt]

I’ve been trying to get into a routine, stay busy, read self help books (right now I’m reading Emotionally Free: Letting Go of the Past to Live in the Moment by David Viscott), meditate, and I’m actually sharing with family and friends about my emotions (finally after all these years). When I’m not busy, unfortunately waves of pain and sorrow overcome me. But I can feel a change within me; I can feel things are less cloudy almost a euphoric feeling with moments of pain. I see things differently, when I see a homeless person at an intersection I feel empathic and will give them some change (in the past I thought “nothing is free”, “get a job”), I’m learning that I can be compassionate to other people. So I feel I’m on the right track.

 

My visit to the therapist was an eye opener. I thought the therapist would have analyzed my behaviour during the entire session, but instead she gave me great insight what was going in my wife’s psyche for most of our time. That she is giving me mixed signals (the therapist used hand gestures, one hand saying come here and the other hand saying stop in your tracks), e.g. by asking for favors of me (can you give me a ride to the car shop), giving me gifts, have lunch together were all signs of “come here” let’s work things out. While telling me it’s over, I’ve gone through the grieving process of leaving you so I’m pass it, I’m interested in someone else, and I want a divorce are signs of leave me alone. So that is why I’m confused. So I have to draw the line between friendship and romantic relationship; which is very difficult but necessary for me to get through this. The lack of emotionally intimacy (although true) she required is a story she had created for herself in order to move on and feel less guilty about hurting me. This is her second marriage; so the therapist indicated that often it’s easier to leave a marriage if it’s been done before.

 

So at this point I’m telling myself that all this pain and suffering of losing someone I truly love was for a purpose; that although I’ve lost her as a romantic partner I’ve gained a new perspective on life (and hope to rekindle my friendship with her when I’m ready). I’ve been reborn (I know cheesy) but true. I use to be very hateful, angry (at the world, myself), cynical, inhuman, and simply numb. I used this very negative energy to get through life, i.e. deal with past heartbreaks, but now this hatred which I had as I was growing up has now subsided; but eventually turned into an emotional numbness (which unfortunately was what my wife had to deal with). Now I’ve gain this new outlook on life to use positive energy (even sadness of love loss) to have a positive outcome. Although it’s sad this lost has happened, but not the end of the world and I will continue to grow as emotional vulnerable human being.

 

So UT I’m still trying my best to get through this process and for now it’s just one day at a time. Thanks for asking man! And how are you doing?

 

Becoming, as I was at the self help section at Barnes, I came across this book, Is He Depressed or What?: What to Do When the Man You Love Is Irritable, Moody, And Withdrawn. I’m not sure if this would apply to you but I thought it would be helpful.

[Becoming]

Thanks, IH. My H has also opened up significantly in past weeks. It's amazing and beautiful to see. Like one of those slo-motion blooming flowers unfolding.

 

It sounds like you are going through a conversion experience. The born-again stuff may be cheesey from one perspective, but it's nonetheless true. God is near to the brokenhearted, as scripture says, and it's true. It's like there's finally room in the cracks of our hardened hearts for that energy/force of Compassion to grow.

 

Keep on keeping on! And thanks for update.

[UT_longhorn]

hey man. everything that you've written sounds really positive. and maybe you're right, that even though the experience is painful and negative, it may be something that you can use to turn into something positive in your life and that's awsome.

 

i have been doing a lot of thinking lately and i also think that this experience for me will be a catalyst for change. i want to be a better man so that i will meet a better woman.

 

i think there are definately some changes that i need to make in my life. i think im going to have to really think through what has happened and try to make my life more positive as well. the pain and lonliness are the parts that suck the most. if it wasn't for that, id be dandy

[helena abadi]

im hurt - thanx for sharing your story so honestly. women don't too often get an opportunity to understand the man's take on relationship pain. men traditionally have to hide a lot. i gained some real insight and thank you for that as well.

 

i did a fair amount of ``come here now back off'' at one stage, and reading your post made me finally understand just how confusing and hurtful it is. it's moving the goal posts all the time, so the other person doesn't know where they stand.

 

don't beat yourself up too much for invading (not evading ...LOL) her privacy on the laptop. love makes us do crazy things we never even dreamed we would be capable of doing.

 

it looks as though you have made a real breakthrough in your life, and i hope you can continue the momentum. it appears you are gathering the right tools for this important job.

 

BTW someone else posted an experience about her man shutting down emotionally when he had to move far away for a job. dislocation does make you shut down - refugees experience this on a massive scale. i have moved countries several times and experienced this dislocation and emotional numbness. it ain't pretty.

[i'mhurt]

She just picked our son up from my house. And I just wanted to hold her and never let go.

 

That is the toughest part is when I see her. All the feelings of sadness and pain come rushing back. And then I’ll want to call her and share all my new found emotions but it hurts to do that as well because I know it's pointless. Or is it? Should I just continue to let her know how I feel? Actually I’ve been good for a few days. It was the last time I saw her which was this past Sunday (I dropped off our son at her house) and I called her later that night; we talked for hours. But because she is a good person/ friend she will listen to everything I have to say. But she doesn’t reciprocate my feelings, so this is why I have to separate the two; our formal romantic relationship and friendship. But it’s so hard!

[mablung]

imhurt, I read your story. I wish I could offer some advice or some help, but I honestly don't know what to say other than courage, and to hang in there; I also think you can draw a lot of strength from your child, and try to become "a better person" (sorry if that sounds like a cliche, but you get the idea) for him as well as for your own sake.

 

With the exception of the child, my situation is very, very similar to yours. I wish I could offer more advice, but I'm stuck really deep in the mud myself.

take care.

[i'mhurt]

I've been doing a lot of thinking and I feel there is a future for me. I've been reading a lot info on the how to recover, and I came across something that has been very helpful and just wanted to share. I reworded this article about the Extreme FAST recover method to meet my needs.

Extreme F.A.S.T. method of recover from a doomed relationship

I’ve been going through an emotional rollercoaster of separation, feeling pain, anger and depression but I don't need to suffer one more day over my ex! It doesn't matter how long I have suffered, it is time to give up the pain and open up to a life free of pain, and use this breakup to my benefit. I felt that I had to cling on to the past, but by clinging on to the past, I’m stopping life. Life is change; people come and go in my life, and that is okay. As I grow, new people will come and some may leave. It is all for my own good. The tendency to cling to the old and avoid change is a common human trait. Unfortunately, it is also a self-defeating and self-destructive habit, and completely unnecessary.

After a breakup, everybody has two choices. One, leave the healing to time. Two, take charge of the recovery process. The first method will take a long time, pain and suffering before healing. It is slow and torturous. The second method, taking control, will allow me to accelerate the healing process, learn fast and move on, leaving space to find healthier and more fulfilling love than ever before. I needed some guidance on the steps for a fast and productive emotional healing. People have never been taught how to heal emotionally, so when we go through an emotional situation we are on our own. I needed a method, a successfully proven method for emotional healing.

 

1. The first step to the Extreme F.A.S.T. method is to FACE IT. I naturally didn’t want to face it. I was in denial for 5 months. Because denial is a natural stage in the healing process, but I didn’t want to heal. I wanted her back. But now I realize that it’s critical that I heal for me. Now I realize denial is something that is not necessary and it only prolonged the suffering I’ve been putting myself through. Yes I put myself here. I played the blame game for 5 months and now I must FACE IT. Some of the realities of me now having to face it; is I’ve been hurt, I am a vulnerable emotional person, I feel lonely and empty without her, but the most important thing is; IT’S OVER! When I think of these words, it’s over; I would get anxious and feel sorry for myself; because again I was in denial. I would think it can’t be over – I don’t deserve this, I’m not a bad person. But now, I can understand that, yes it’s over. Not my life, but our previous unhappy, stagnant relationship. I must continue on and grow as an emotional person. But I also discovered that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Finding a better and wiser me; who can be compassionate, warm hearted, gentle and kind, open and loving. I do however; feel a small amount of hope for us – not for us to get back together as we were but rediscovery a new friendship. If a romantic spark doesn’t happen – I can live with that. I just hope to grow our friendship. Because our old relationship is over! So now a new relationship must take its place. She will always have a place in my heart but for now I must tuck it away for safe keeping. When I finally faced it; I experienced an intense emotionally release and honestly I was scared. I’ve never had to deal with such strong emotions. But now I feel stronger and have great hope for the future. To make this process easier I’ve found expressing all my emotions (sadness, anger, regret) to myself and those close to me (family, friends) which I found has helped me a great deal. I’ve been avoiding self-destructive behaviour, excessive drinking, etc. and became my own best friend. In the past I considered myself the only person that understood – which is obviously should be true – but I didn’t like the person I saw in the mirror. I was angry and filled with negative emotions that prevented me from growing.

2. The second step to the Extreme F.A.S.T. method is to ACCEPT IT. I had to accept that this is my reality. It’s not a bad dream. Acceptance meant I had to surrender to what is real versus what I wished were real. I can’t run away or avoid that this is really happening to me. Initially I wished that this wasn’t happening to me but it is. I had to look for honest answers deep inside my own heart. In the past I was afraid what I would find. Because I knew that I’ve been a cold and angry person before so I was afraid that person was still lingering inside to bring me down in to the dark abyss. I also realized that the end of the relationship was partly my doing. I had to take responsibility of my past actions. I had contributed to the situation and I need to accept that. I had idealized my ex as a wife and took her for granted. I saw the warning signs all along but I choice to ignore them and thought suffering would help me avoid my life. But in order to accept it I had to fully accept that it’s over and move on no matter what I felt for her. No more false hopes; don’t hold on - no more - no longer. Just ACCEPT IT!

3. The third step is to see the lessons. Life had guided me to what is best for me. Through this painful experience (and moments of euphoria) I learned lessons that helped me grow. The only way I could pay attention to my deepest needs is when I experienced pain and suffering. I needed to gaze inward to see the lessons about my self esteem, my definition of love, and my choice of a partner. As I reflected upon these areas I was growing and preparing to get the love I truly deserved. An important question I had to ask myself as I discovered these lessons; is there anything that I feared about a long term relationship? In the past I wanted to be desperately loved by someone because I felt loneliness; but the realization is that simply I didn’t love myself so therefore I depended on someone else’s love to be happy; but that can only last so long, until I learned how to love myself can I truly find love and happiness. Once I found love at least the impression of love and then lost it so quickly I found what pain and suffering of lost love was; I was devastated. I then feared being in a long term relationship; until yet again I thought I found love, although I still didn’t know what true love felt like because I had simply numbed my feelings for myself and felt that the love of someone else would be enough. So one would think I would now fear a long term relationship. But I don’t, I’ve learned the lessons to love myself and now I know that love can’t be contained; it’s an ever growing emotion; no matter what happens, you must risk it all even if you get hurt. Love will make you stronger; even if love is lost, as long as you were honest with yourself, knowing that the lost will be painful will only be the catalyst for a change necessary in my life. I then had to reevaluate what is important in life and then create a new life; a change in which I will become happier and grow as an individual. To love fully is to grow fully!

4. The fourth and last step of the Extreme F.A.S.T. method is to take yourself to a new level. I have to get to a new level in my life where I can start living my life in a more fulfilling way. Many of the negative experiences I’ve been going through this past month have guided me to explore new alternatives for myself. I will have to learn new ways of taking care of myself, new ways of feeling good about myself and new ways of relating to others. By taking small risks that feel comfortable for me, I grew and developed a new sense of self. My new level of growth will include new levels of: self-esteem and confidence, positive relationships, passion and fun, and Love in your life.

[i'mhurt]

I've been maintaining LIMITED CONTACT (not initiating calls, not sharing via emails, no texts, etc) for the past 1 ½ weeks. It’s been hard but I feel it’s the best thing for me at this time because holding on is just killing me – I have to let go. Our limited contact is when I drop off or pick up my son or when we talk on the phone about our son. I keep it very business like, very short and to the point.

 

Today I would normally pick up my son from his school, which is good so I don’t have to see her. But she just called and said that our son didn’t go to school because she’s been very sick (flu like symptoms) so I’ll pick him up from her house. Not that big of a deal, I'm better now when I have to see her (meaning I don’t break down in tears – I maintain my composure). Here’s my question, she’s sick right and I so badly want to take care of her, but I want to still maintain emotional distance (I don’t want to get hurt again), how should I deal with the pick up? Should I continue to be business like and just talk about our son’s needs or offer any help, e.g. go to the store for her, get food, etc. because she’s sick? I don't want her to think that I'm being totally insensitive by not caring about her being sick.

[Becoming]

What do you want to do? It really all comes down to that, doesn't it. Not what you think someone wants you to do so you can see them feel good about you and thus feel good about yourself, but what do you want to do because of who you are.

 

I suspect you're a person who would naturally care for a sick friend you knew was in need. So why not do that? Pick her up some nice chicken soup from somewhere or make some and take it to her, see if there's anything you can get at the store, and teach your son how to care for others by asking him if he'd like to do something for Mommy (make a get well card, or whatever he thinks up--children can be so cute at this!)

 

And thanks for the update and sharing the FAST system. There's a lot of truth there. Most of us try to avoid pain and only end up creating more in the end, huh?

[Ladyjane14]

I've only briefly skimmed your thread, but it looks like you've been separated for six months and your wife is maintaining that she is FIRM in her decision to divorce.

 

You are at no obligation to offer to help her out, and in fact probably should NOT do so if you find it to be in any way damaging to your healing.

 

If you want to offer, without getting your hopes up again...then by all means, go for it. It's a nice gesture. But if it sets you back, then it's better to skip it.

[i'mhurt]

Well as I was driving towards her house, she called me and asked if I could pick up some medicine. I said yes, but I was business like, I asked what she wanted. No emotions expressed in my voice. Once I got to her house I dropped the bag of medicine on our son’s bed, waited for our son to get his things together and I started walking towards the door. Then she said, don’t forget to grab your gift (she bought me something a few days ago that I forgot to take with me last time I was at her house). I replied, oh I don’t think I will use it, a slight pause and then I told her the truth; I said I don’t think I should accept your gift. She said nothing. We left.

Lately she’s been giving me mixed signals – again; I haven’t asked her to stop. I’m just not going to read too much into her buying me gifts, offering a ride to the airport, asking me how am I doing (which she hasn’t asked during this whole process), and just overall kindness. Although it does annoy me that she can’t respect my request to stop with the mixed signals; is she purposely trying to screw with my head? So for now I have to just ignore her kindness and start living my life. She’s made her decision and I can’t change her mind. But to be honest it’s been hard holding back my new emotions but I know it’s necessary for me to heal.

 

LJ I know I’m not obligated to help her in fact right now it would hinder my healing but I didn’t want her to think I’m being insensitive. However her asking me for help was ok with me. As long as I didn’t initiate offering help I feel I’m still sticking to Limited Contact.

 

Becoming, what I want to do is move on with my life and stop holding on to “what ifs” and “I should have done this”. I’m not ready to be her friend (I would love to be). I feel she did more damage to me than I did to her. I never rejected her as a person, I accepted her as who she was. For her, she rejected me and never accepted who I was. During her unhappiness I never was interested in anyone else (I was being myself – unfortunately incapable of providing her emotion needs) but I never intentionally hurt her; she on the other hand is interested in someone else right now, I feel she is intentionally hurting me by not being honest with me (I had to find out about this guy). I’ve lost some respect for her because she couldn’t tell me the truth. I’m sure she has her own reasons, but she could have just been direct and tell me the truth. Yes I would be hurt but at least I would have started the healing process along time ago.

And yes we try to avoid pain to only create more in the end. That is a valuable lesson I’ve learned through out this process and I will never be afraid again to be honest with myself and just to embrace the pain. For a period I told her everything, I was being honest I wasn’t holding back. After a few weeks of expressing my feelings to her I realized that it’s futile; her heart is hardened. I have to accept it and be true to myself because as long as I’m being completely honest with my own feelings in the end I’ll be ok.

[Becoming]

It sounds to me like she's fishing, making small overtures toward you to see if there's any hope for you in the future. When she gets met with little or no response from you, though, she can see only the past playing out before her and probably backs off as a result. But then she tries something else.

 

I don't see you being open with her about what's going on with you. You're still acting in accord with your past behaviors that hurt your marriage before and seeking to justify yourself by saying she's the one who hurt you. You hurt her, too. Have you taken responsibility for that and asked for her forgiveness?

 

I can see why her behavior confuses you. So tell her that. Instead, you basically scorned her gift because you were afraid of your feelings. All it would take is saying, "I don't know what to make of you buying me a gift. I'd like to think it was because you still care, but I don't know and if this is just a guilt gift, I can't take it because a part of me still longs for you and yet can't have you and it hurts so bad it's disrupting my life. I'm trying to heal, and if this marriage is going to end, we need to just be civil for the sake of {child}. No more gifts, . . . {whatever you want}. If you want to see if we can patch things up, though, you need to tell me so we can figure out how to do this in a way that's good for both of us."

 

You're going to have to learn how to communicate IN WORDS what you're feeling to others. If you want her, then tell her. If not, then tell her that.

 

I think she's just as confused about her emotions as you are about yours. One of my favorite books on marriage is entitled We'd Have a Great Relationship If It Weren't for You. It basically argues that when we're hurting, our spouse if feeling the exact same thing, too, in her/his own way, but that we're so caught up in our pain we can't reach out to the other. Unless we can learn to do that, however, we'll just stay caught in a destructive game of blame so we don't have to take responsibility for the relationship.