Still a mess - part 2

[Stacey]

Well, Ryan, one of our hosts here, has given me some good advice about straightening out my marriage and I took his advice. Stopped seeing the other guy, which was wrong, wrong, wrong in the first place and told my husband either he, I or both of us together should seek counseling. He agreed and said that he would prefer that he seek it first because he felt he had some "real issues" he had to deal with for himself before we could enter into counseling together. I said that was fine, just do something!

 

Unfortuately, it has been over three weeks since we made this agreement and he has done nothing. Tonight we talked about this, calmly and like the adults we are or at least try to be. He said that he made an appointment last week and then canceled it because he "didn't think he had the money to spare". I told him that I was extremely disappointed that a money issue was keeping him from seeking the counseling HE said he wanted. To top it all off, money is not an issue here. I feel that he is avoiding seeking any counseling because he thinks all of our problems will resolve themselves if he ignores them long enough. This is a pattern with him over our 17 years as husband and wife. He always thinks that if he ignores something, it will go way and everything will be okay.

 

Since he said he wanted to seek counseling for himself first, I was very encouraged and hoped and prayed that he was finally taking a step in the right direction. Now I see that he's only following the old familiar pattern.

 

And I feel that by following this "ignore it, it will go away" that I am going to be the "it" that is going away. I'm very confused about all of this and just don't how much longer I can deal with his avoidance issues. I've tried everything under the sun to let him know that we have some very real problems here and yet he continues to ignore them. I really wanted to have this work out for us but I am getting very down and depressed that it will not.... Do I have any choice but to leave? I'm scared of a life without him but I think I'm more scared of a life with him without some real steps being taken to resolve our no-intimacy issues of over 8 years and all the problems that that has created. Any advice?? Ryan??

[Duncan]

Sounds like a sinking ship.

 

A) Go down with the ship (life without intamacy, seemingly unsolvable problems etc., unless he does a complete turnaround - highly unlikely , you have tried).

 

B) Make yourself happy and live for you. Happiness can't be forced or coerced to happen if it is just not there. Try a separation for 3 months and see how you feel being away from him. And he you. This being apart may show you that you are happy without him , or that he is the one you want. And he may be forced into realizing he may lose the best thing he has ever had and fight to keep you. May actually strengthen your relationship.

 

Hope for you

[Excelsior]

Stacy,

 

First off, I would like to say- don't give up on him yet. You might need to pull some more drastic measures, but don't assume that he'll never come around.

 

What I suggest is that you jolt him out of his comfort zone. He sounds like he's too comfortable. Perhaps you should make an appointment with a counselor for both of you, at a time when you know he is free, and then give him an ultimatum. Something like this (in your own words):

 

"honey, i love you so much...I'm sorry for everything that has happened. But if you want me...if you love me...if you want our marriage to work, you need to come to this counselor with me. And it's something that I don't really want to do, but if you don't, I'm going to need a lot of time away from you, maybe a long long time."

 

Maybe you just have to make it clear that without some sort of outside intervention and progressive steps on his part, that you will separate from him. Maybe he doesn't believe that you will and so that's why he's able to sit back and say he'll get his act together but never really will. He needs to see the extreme consequences of his neglect- losing you.

 

I hope that this helps, it's a very hard situation Stacy, and I wish you the best of luck and grace.

 

sincerely,

 

Excelsior

[Stacey]

Duncan and Excelsior: Thanks for your replies - both kinda the same - both kinda different! We tried a brief separation(too brief in retrospect) a while back. He was so down and depressed over it that I let him come back home. We've talked since I posted my message and now he says he's "making an appointment today"(still insists on going alone to start)because I was making noises again about a separation. The last thing he said to me last night was "do you want me to sleep in the spare room or you?".... He apparently wants to try to work his own "issues" out in counseling but stay under the same roof while he does it and live like room mates. We've lived like room mates for the last 8 years! No sex except for recently when I made some mad, dismal attempts to get things going again in that area.

 

I just feel that he wants to keep me around at all costs or is just too lazy to move out, resolve his issues and then have us work on OUR issues. I'm reaching the point that no matter what he tries NOW, it may be too late. My soul, patience and love are wearing thin. I don't know even if he gets his "stuff" together if it won't be too late for us. I have no desire for sexual relations with him anymore. I love him as a friend now and how you can rebuild a marriage and get the intimacy back in it if one partner just can't do it anymore? I don't know....

 

I too am afraid to be alone at this stage of my life (I'm 45)but the fear of being alone may not be worse than living the rest of my life in a marriage that will never be what it was or would it could/should be...

[Duncan]

Stacy,

 

Why not spend a week away, by yourself. You can think things over without the pressure of job, husband, life and then decide what you really want.

 

You answer your own questions almost like you know already how it will turn out, and it sounds like you are just waiting for that push to do what you feel you have to. As for being alone, you sound like you are miserable now. The "other" person you were seeing should have made you realize your mistake and be more comitted to your mate not show you all that is wrong and can never be fixed. If you truly feel there is any hope then work it out. If you are going to be in an emotional prison for the rest of you life and be miserable, why do that to yourself and your husband. It just does not seem to me like you want this anymore. If counseling will help him but not you why prolong the enevitable(spell check?). If a professional counselor cannot help you realize you want this to work then why force something that should happen naturally. Do what your heart tells you. Not what everyone else does.

[Stacey]

Duncan:

 

You're probably right. I think I know what the answer is and I don't want to accept it. It's very scary to think about being on my own after all these years as a married person. I've never felt that sex was the most important part of any relationship but always felt that, at least in a marriage, it served a vital role. After 8 years of virtually none (2 times and those only recently as a last ditch effort on my part!) I thought I'd convinced myself I could live okay without it. But since all these "issues" my husband has now said he feels he has have come up it only makes it harder to bear. The lack of it has colored my marriage in a very unattractive color and caused me to be resentful and left a huge void in me.

 

I guess I should be lucky that I'm still fairly young and not too bad looking, have my own business and am fairly intelligent. Perhaps I would be better off on my own eventually.

 

I think I'm going to try to take your advice and get away for a week to myself. We have no children (big surprise, huh? Well, it's hard to have kids with no sex!) so I can be selfish and think about myself for that week and what it is I want to do.

 

I'm assuming with a name like Duncan you're a guy - you have great insight and I must admit it's surprising and refreshing!

[Ryan]

I appreciate the feedback and I'm glad I've been able to be of some help.

 

Sorry for the delayed response, I've been a little busy lately. It appears that some of the other visitors here provided very similar advice to what I would suggest.

 

I agree that you need to create consequences for your husbands actions (or lack thereof). He needs to be brought sternly into the face of reality here. Your relationship is on the line. He needs to be aware of how profoundly serious this is. Either significant efforts on behalf of BOTH of you are made to (hopefully) repair this relationship, or there is going to be a separation. The farthest you can go is halfway.

 

I do see some possible validity in taking a little time to step back from the situation and prepare this conversation to have with him. We're talking about some heavy emotions and problems, which is not something you need to march into with a head full of steam. It's good (without sounding like an insensitive bastard) that you don't have children...it makes this situation less complicated than it has to be.

 

So, the best I can say is focus your head and your heart together and lay down the straight and possibly brutal truth as it must be.

[Stacey]

Thanks for your response, Ryan - how'd ya get to be so smart so young??!

 

My husband had his first therapy session yesterday and said it "went well". He's pretty closed mouthed 99% of the time about many things in his life (always a problem and one of the issues he said he wanted to work on) and I'm not going to pry about this. This is his deal at this point. The counselor did ask him if I would mind coming in and he told her no, not at this point, which is correct. I've got too many things I need to deal with on my end before I could begin to think about committing myself to joint sessions.

 

He seems to have a very good attitude about it and feels that he is doing this for himself, which is good. He even said that if it doesn't help to resolve our problems that he would still view it as good because it will help him along to being a more "full" person in the future regardless of what happens to us.

 

What's hard now is that he wants to live in our house with me while he is going thru all this and now I'm sleeping in the spare room (at his suggestion). I wanted a separation with either one of us staying somewhere else for a while but he refuses to do this so it's been a real trip lately! Since 99% of our problem has been lack of intimacy for so very long, this is only one more step, in my opinion, that this will not work out between us but I am willing to give it a go and see what happens - at least for a while.

 

I've make plans to get out of town for a little bit in a couple of weeks so we'll see what happens. Thanks again!

[Ryan]

Thanks for your response, Ryan - how'd ya

get to be so smart so young??!

I owe a great deal of it to my upbringing...so feel free to thank my parents.

My husband had his first therapy session yesterday and said it "went well". He's pretty closed mouthed 99% of the time about many things in his life (always a problem and one of the issues he said he wanted to work on) and I'm not going to pry about this. This is his deal at this point. The counselor did ask him if I would mind coming in and he told her no, not at this point, which is correct. I've got too many things I need to deal with on my end before I could begin to think about committing myself to joint sessions. He seems to have a very good attitude about it and feels that he is doing this for himself, which is good. He even said that if it doesn't help to resolve our problems that he would still view it as good because it will help him along to being a more "full" person in the future regardless of what happens to us. What's hard now is that he wants to live in our house with me while he is going thru all this and now I'm sleeping in the spare room (at his suggestion). I wanted a separation with either one of us staying somewhere else for a while but he refuses to do this so it's been a real trip lately! Since 99% of our problem has been lack of intimacy for so very long, this is only one more step, in my opinion, that this will not work out between us but I am willing to give it a go and see what happens - at least for a while.

It sounds like you are making some concrete progress in the right direction here. At some point, there IS going to need to be some work done as a couple, but I can definitely see positive prospects in letting your husband develop some personal skills in private with his counselor. It will make a transition into mutual sessions more smooth, and I hope you are able to make it to that point.

 

Please keep us updated here or through email. Success is our reward.

[Stacey]

Well, then Ryan, thanks to your parents! They've obviously instilled a lot of good things in you...

 

Yes, I agree at some point my husband and myself are going to have to come together on what's going to happen here, whatever it may be.

 

Thanks for listening and will try to keep things updated if I can get my head, body and soul in once place for any period of time....