Gone for two weeks with no word or phone call

[Barbara]

My boyfriend and I decided to take a break for two weeks to reflect on things also because he had to go away on business during this time.

 

I guess I expected that he would call just to say he was okay or leave a message, but ever since he's been gone he's given me no sign of life and I feel hurtful and a bit resentful at this. I realize we were taking time off from each other, but in the past when I suggested taking a few days off for space he had called me back only two days later saying how much he missed and needed to talk to me. Now this time it he was the one who suggested it and he hasn't called at all.

 

He comes back on Thursday and I am almost tempted to get really busy and not be at home or available if he calls because I feel hurt by him. His best friend reassued me that there was no other woman involved and that I shouldn't be so worried, but his friend also thought it was kind of insensitive of him to not have just called up quickly to say he was okay. What do you think? I don't want him to come back and get the idea that I was waiting for him ect. Isn't it better for the stupid game we all have to play (unfortunately) to act really busy with my own life when he returns?? Please help me. I miss him so much.

[Daisy]

Why is it that he has to be the one to call you and see how you're doing? Why don't you give him a call? Unless you don't miss him. Kinda seems like the tables have turned this time...he asks for a break this time, instead of you. You would think that if he's the one needing the space and time to think, that maybe you'd be the one that needs to call him and tell him just how much you miss him and value him. After all, you yourself said he requested this break. I doubt that he'd request a break only to call you a few days later telling you how much he loves you, etc.

 

This isn't the 18th century. You're not a helpless woman. Pick up the phone and call him.

My boyfriend and I decided to take a break for two weeks to reflect on things also because he had to go away on business during this time.

 

I guess I expected that he would call just to say he was okay or leave a message, but ever since he's been gone he's given me no sign of life and I feel hurtful and a bit resentful at this. I realize we were taking time off from each other, but in the past when I suggested taking a few days off for space he had called me back only two days later saying how much he missed and needed to talk to me. Now this time it he was the one who suggested it and he hasn't called at all. He comes back on Thursday and I am almost tempted to get really busy and not be at home or available if he calls because I feel hurt by him. His best friend reassued me that there was no other woman involved and that I shouldn't be so worried, but his friend also thought it was kind of insensitive of him to not have just called up quickly to say he was okay. What do you think? I don't want him to come back and get the idea that I was waiting for him ect. Isn't it better for the stupid game we all have to play (unfortunately) to act really busy with my own life when he returns?? Please help me. I miss him so much.

[midori]

So you're saying that when you suggest a break your boyfriend is expected to call you first and when he suggests a break he is again expected to call first? Wow, you've got your guy jumping through hoops!

 

You say that you miss him terribly -- so why on earth can't you tell him that?!? If your relationship is centered on a power struggle rather than genuine love and affection and mutual concern then I must suggest that you reassess the situation. I can't imagine wanting to be with someone if I was too afraid to reveal that fact to him lest he "gain the upper hand."

 

I can tell you're hurting and confused. But do try to see if you can't let go of some of the rigid expectations you seem to be holding. A relationship inherently involves give and take. Last time your guy made you feel good and reassured you that he was thinking about you during the "time off." Why can't you do the same for him this time?

 

You don't mention why you & he felt there was a need for time off, but it sounds like there are problems in the relationship. The fact that you feel it necessary to resort to adolescent tit-for-tat games, or worse yet a "Rules" type of routine, indicates that things are not going well. Maybe you ought to be focusing on what is really going on in the relationship rather than dwelling on who's going to call whom first.

[Barbara]

I should have mentioned in the first post that I didn't have the number of the hotel he is staying in on this trip. This is why I'm upset that he just didn't call in to say he was okay. Now can you see that this casts a different light on the problem?

 

He comes back Thursday night and I want to plan an evening out with friends so that if he calls I won't be available because I don't want to get upset with him over the phone. How can I avoid this?

[midori]

OK, so obviously you can't call to actually speak with him until he gets back. But you could leave a message for him on his home answering machine, which I'll bet he's checking from time to time, or email him. If you really wanted to convey a message to him I'm sure you could find a way.

 

I understand that you're upset but I must be honest and tell you that I don't think your reaction is justified here. You say you miss him but you're plotting ways to "get back" at him for not calling you during what was officially agreed to be "time off." I'm not trying to be harsh with you but I think if you step back for a moment you might see that you're upset not because you miss your bf but because he's not behaving the way you want him to. The last time you guys took some time off he was almost immediately phoning you and reassuring you that he was still very much in love with you. It sounds like you're expecting a repeat and you're miffed that it hasn't happened. Is that possible?

 

Life is too short to hold petty grudges, don't you think? If you are missing your guy, phone him up and leave a message to that effect. If you feel the need to take him to task in some small way for not getting in touch, you could say something like, "I've missed you and it's too bad I don't know how to get in touch with you at your hotel, but I can't wait for your return." But don't make a mountain out of a molehill -- I don't think you'll gain any satisfaction that way.

 

It sounds like you ought to do some thinking about what problems you and your boyfriend need to discuss. It's pretty clear that something's not right if you're dwelling on petty things like this.

 

Good luck