I'm making a mess of my relationship!

[Raiatea]

Is there anyone out there who can give me advice on my situation??!

 

I have been reading the posts in this forum for some time, and although my situation is similar to some I have read, I still feel like I am alone in the universe with my feelings of jealousy. It is destroying me inside, and every day I grow more and more angry and hurt by my (possibly irrational) feelings. I don't want to destroy the relationship I have, but I am scared that if I don't sort myself out soon then I will end up alone forever with only cats for company into my old age!

 

I have been living with my boyfriend for 3 months (I have known him for almost a year), I left England to be with him in Florida. I have no family over here, no job (yet) and he is the only person I know in this country. I have no doubt of his love for me, we are planning to get married, and we are talking seriously about having children in the near future. This is what I want and I don't want to jepordise this (apologies for bad spelling).

 

I have two related problems in this relationship. Firstly, I cannot get over his past. He has had a couple of serious relationships before me (but so have I, and there is nothing wrong with that) but I am constantly worried that he is in contact with his exes and still has feelings for them. He says that he isn't in touch with any of them any more (and part of me believes him) but I am driving myself crazy comparing myself to them. He says that he never even considered marriage and children with the women from his past, and that I should be reassured that he sees a positive future for us. He is always telling me to think positive things about our relationship and not to dwell on my negativity and think too deeply about stuff that is not true. How can I get over this jealousy of people he is not with any more?

 

Secondly, I have trouble trusting him, probably because of the jealousy. I imagine him planning to meet with someone else, and calling other women on his phone when he is at work. It has got to the stage where I check his phone whenever he is out of the room (that is another story entirely, and I hate myself for doing it. Not once have I ever found any evidence of cheating). Every night after work he comes home to me, on his days off he spends all his time with me. He includes me in everything he does, and we go everywhere together. He is generous and loving, and I don't want to drive him away.

 

My problems are totally self-inflicted, I would like any advice about how to get myself out of this mess before my romantic dreams of the future are ruined by my posessiveness!

 

Sorry to have gone on and one with this post!

[jennifer1983]

Well as someone who feels the same way you do I, I have these same problems. No matter what the guy does I always sit here and think he is trying to cheat. The guy I just broke up with had two kids with his ex wife of 15 years and when he would talk to her I would sit here and just know they were talking about getting back together since she left him and he was still going to work things out but she broke that off by leaving for another guy. So, with that said I cant really offer much advice as I am lost as to what to do as well but the only thing I can say is maybe date someone who doesnt put themselves in situations that would upset you. Mind you these situations need to be something realistic not something that nobody would deal with.

I have learned that the only thing that really works for me is to talk to who I am with about my problems and compromise on certain issues. If they are unwilling to work with you on your problems then it wouldnt be worth the pain and suffering you put your own self through even if you are in the wrong. After all, you would be making yourself miserable. Even if a guy seems perfect to you, if he is not willing to help you at least in a reasonable way then hes not perfect for you, issues and all.

[luckygirlEMU]

It sounds like we have pretty similar situations. If you look at my original post ("OMG I'm obsessed with his ex") you can get the full story.

 

I'm currently trying to recover from my jealousy problems before they start putting a wedge between my boyfriend and I. I can completely relate to you being worried about his past couple of serious relationships, because I do the same thing. However, I don't check his phone or wonder who he's calling or such.

 

The one thing I've learned on here and by talking with my friends is that I'm doing this because I'm afraid. Perhaps you are, too.

 

Perhaps you are so in love with this man that you're terrified of losing him. Perhaps you've sacrificed so much to be with him that if he DID leave you, it would crush you. Perhaps you've waited so long to have such an amazing relationship, and now that you do, you're terrified of anything that could jeopardize it. That's what's going on with me, at least. And since it sounds like the two of you get along just fine, you might be really checking every nook and cranny for something that could go wrong, and you've found yourself thinking about his exes and wondering if he's calling other women.

 

My advice to you is to take it step by step, as I'm doing. Realize that you have to put your trust in him-- it's what good relationships are based on, and he hasn't given you a reason not to trust him yet. (I mean seriously, how would you feel if he snooped through your phone and didn't trust you and wondered who you were calling? You'd be pretty offended.) Then realize that if he were meant to be with his ex, he would be. He wants to share his life with you, and no matter who came before, you are the one he loves NOW.

 

I know it's hard because I'm going through it too. It's like you just want to erase that part of his life so no one else had him first. But in reality, realize that your man is who he is today because of all the experiences he's had, including those with ex girlfriends... and you wouldn't want him to be any different than he is right now.

 

Good luck... I know I need encouragement too.

[Raiatea]

Jennifer, I'm sorry to hear that you are suffering from your break-up. Often I feel that it is the only way out for me too, but my boyfriend and I have been through so much together (and I have relocated to another country) and there is too much to lose.

 

I know this may seem insensitive for me to ask you, but did your ex and his wife get back together? Were your suspicions correct? If so, I cannot imagine the heartache that you are going through. But like you said in your reply, if your partner is unwilling to make compromises then he is not the one for you.

 

The trouble is at my age (27) all the available men are either divorced or have children, and I honestly don't know how I would cope with dealing with a man's past if it was in my face every day. I don't think I could. You were very courageous to be with someone with 2 kids and an ex-wife, and at least you tried and gave it everything. You must have had the patience of a saint, and immense strength to consider only the future and not the past while you were with him.

 

I hope things work out for you, and that you feel better soon (and thank you for replying)

[Raiatea]

Luckygirl, you are so right.

 

I am scared of losing him beacuse he seems to good to be true! I am terrified of him cheating (but I know that my behaviour will break us up if I continue to accuse him of things he hasn't done). So I look through his phone to see if there is anything to be worried about, and to prevent anything happening. I convince myself that he knows I look through his phone and deletes anything that might be suspicious. So you can see that even though there is nothing bad on his phone, I believe that there may have been before it was deleted!! I am going mad!!!

 

My ex of 9 years cheated on me with a work colleague, and I only found out about this by reading his emails (he let me read his emails as we shared an email address). I guess I am expecting the same behaviour from my new man, even though he is a very moral person who assures me that he would do nothing to damage the relationship with the future mother of his children.

 

Honestly I have waited so long to be treated properly by a man, rather than be treated like a doormat or a bank (I always seem to pick men who are broke!) that it makes me physically sick to think about us not being together. Yes I need to trust him, and I am trying so hard. How did you start to put your trust in your boyfriend? I am so insecure about my looks and abilities that I am scared of getting hurt, but I know that it is necessary to trust in order to have a healthy relationship.

 

You seem to be on the right track with your boyfriend though, but how do I trust my man?? (And how do I stop looking through the stuff on his phone???)

[jennifer1983]

Raiatea-Thanks for you kind wishes....

No he hasnt got back with his ex wife that I know of. Not yet anyway. But the way he talked about her all the time was hard to decifer because yes I know after being with someone for 15 years they are really in a lot of your memories and that it would be hard to remember anything in your past without them in it. It really was hard for me to accept her, I loved his kids but not constantly hearing about her and people coming up to him when we were out saying stuff about her right in front of me. I had asked him to please ask his friends and family to not constantly be telling him stuff about her, what does it matter they are divorced right? I mean that isnt too much to ask but he said he couldnt do that because he wasnt going to tell people what they are allowed to say around him. That was like a stab in the heart to me. He could have at least asked them to not bring up what she is doing all the time its none of his business and I mean why would he want to know. No he doesnt ask about her but still he could consider my feelings.

This last guy has caused me nothing but heartache...he wouldnt compromise or try to at least understand my problems. It hurts so much to know that you just need a little help and support from someone you love so much. Everything I said was a problem was stupid in his eyes. So I made the choice to not be with him, now hes already called me twice today leaving me a message saying that he guesses I have made up my mind and that he knows this is what I want, that I tell him he doesnt try but really I'M the one not trying. HAHA! I guess he realizes hey my problems werent so bad, but its too late.

Anyway got kind of sidetracked there...but its good to know I am not crazy and there are other people out there who feel the same I do. Thanks for the encouragement.

[Raiatea]

Jennifer, I'm glad you replied.

 

Although I don't know your ex, he seems a very insensitive man to me. Ok, -he has kids so there has to be a certain level of relationship with his ex-wife. but he is divorced and so made the choice to move on with his life (or else he wouldn't be divorced, right?) And if you came to him needing reassurance and someone to talk to about your fears, and he said your problems were stupid, then what type of man is he anyway?? And now he's calling you.....seems like he just wants everything his own way and to blame you for the end of a relationship where you weren't being supported and cared for by the person who should be there for you.

 

Sorry, sorry.... I'm getting angry now!

 

We both know how destructive jealousy and lack of trust can be in a relationship, but if you're with someone who doesnt try to make you feel better when you genuinely seek their help with resolving an issue, then there is no point even being in a relationship with someone who can hurt you further. When I talk to my boyfriend and tell him that I'm feeling insecure and worried, he says I'm being a little over-sensitive as he would never hurt me or damage our relationship. He would never say my feelings are stupid. And at least he explains to me the reasons for his behaviour (for example, if a female friend has contacted him, he shows me her text messages/emails - not that I ask him to - to prove that I have nothing to worry about. While this makes me feel so much better, there is still some part of me that thinks "what does she really want when she calls him????" but I know that is me being ridiculous).

 

(Just to go off the point of this thread, I was with a man 10 years ago and I had a problem with trust. He was the most insensitive and uncaring man I have ever met. I was only a teenager when I was with him, and one day I (wrongly) suspected him of cheating. I asked him repeatedly over the next few days. For the first couple of days he was adamant that he would never cheat, but at the end of the week he said to me "You kept accusing me of cheating on you, so I slept with a Brazilian model two days ago. But I knew that is what you wanted me to do!". Hmmmm. That man had a strange way of treating his girlfriend!) Sorry to get distracted there...

 

2 years ago I split from a man I was with for 9 years. We were very close (although no kids and no marriage) and we had a lot of friends in common. Until recently, I still got calls from a mutual friend who took great pleasure in telling me that "your ex is now married to an amazing woman" and "I saw him the other day and he looks so much happier now than when he was with you" and things like that. I don't care! It's over between us and nothing will change that. Yes, we did a lot of things which have given me happy memories, but I don't want to talk about someone that is not part of my life now. Although it is very difficult, I am trying to take one day at a time and think of the future. If your ex was not willing to ask people to stop mentioning his ex wife when you are around (or at least make an effort to show them that you are the new person in his life), I think that displays a disturbing amount of emotional immaturity.

 

In the case of my friend, I actually broke off the friendship for a time because my new man was getting worried that I was too interested in my ex. (No way!! But sometimes you have to do something drastic like breaking a friendship in order to not hurt the other person). I didn't hesitate to do that because my boyfriend was worried. It is such a shame that you had to be involved with a man who appears so selfish (I am only basing this opinion on what I know from your replies, maybe he has a good side to him).

 

I know my opinions in this reply may be a little controversial, but you're not crazy and at least he is sort-of acknowledging that your problems weren't that bad (in his calls to you today that you mentioned). Would you go back to him? I hope not, for the sake of your happiness, but that is your decision.

 

Hope you are feeling ok

[jennifer1983]

You never know what power a few encouraging words have on someone. Thank you so much for writing back.

 

Since the last post he called FIVE times until I finally answered the phone because I was at work and was tired of hearing my desk vibrate.

 

OHHHH I am so mad....now he is begging me back. Telling me that I was right this whole time and how he knows he is wrong that he has a lot of issues he has to work thru too. WTF, SOOOOO usually I would break down and go right back but this time I said my peace and hung up.

I told him that since he has such a problem with MY issues that he can go on and find someone else to take care of his kids, sit up for hours talking out his problems, cook and clean for him(even when we dont live together), do anything for him and bend over backwards to please him in every way I can. That I can find and deserve better than him, that he can go on back to finding women who want to leave him for other men(maybe that was mean to say but I was angry). Then he is like I know you can and you do deserve better but I love you so much and know I was at fault.

 

Geez that was a complete 360 from last night, he said he hasnt been to sleep yet because he has been up thinking about all this. Well good, I hope he has many sleepless nights, many nights where he feels like he cant breathe because I am gone. Hmmm kinda like those nights where he put me down so bad because he wasnt there for me and I cried myself to sleep if I even slept at all.

 

What goes around comes around and this girl is fed up.

[Raiatea]

So now he's realised that he is wrong....and about time too.

 

Is he an indecisive or impulsive person? I only ask this because it seems like he is very changeable. Is he depressed? Perhaps he has finally realised that he has lost the one person who would be there for him. His loss!

 

So let me get this straight - yesterday morning (or the previous evening) he called you asking if it was over (and of course he said that everything was your fault), and yesterday afternoon he called you saying he loves you and he is messed up.

 

He hates you/he loves you, he puts you down/but its all his fault, he wants his ex wife/he wants you....no wonder you think you are going crazy!

 

Let him have sleepless nights over you, I'm sure you have had many over him in the past. Have all previous girlfirends (and wife) left him for other men? If so, then that shows that he is the one with problems. I'm not saying that these previous women are blame-free for cheating, infidelity is one of my biggest fears and I strongly disapprove of it in any relationship (my dad is cheating on my mother with his mistress - and has been doing for many years. This other woman is a convicted thief with a violent temper...what on earth does he see in her? My mother just ignores it now, even though my sister and I would be as supportive as we could for her if she did leave him).

 

Hope you're doing ok today anyway, and you do deserve far better than this. After all, you were his girlfriend, not his therapist so let him talk his problems out with someone impartial to his mood swings and unemotional behaviour.

 

Let me know how things are with you

[jennifer1983]

Raiatea-Hey sorry it has taken me so long to update you on the situation.

 

Well I spoke to him over the weekend, he said he would do whatever it takes to be with me. HAHA, yeah right. I felt bad for him so I was there for him to talk to me about his problems, even watch him cry about his problems which he very rarely cries. I know he is probably about to have a nervous breakdown because everything is crumbling on him at once. I went over everything in my head, wondering if hey maybe he really does want me.

The reality is, I know he wants me and I want him. BUT, I cannot sit here and let someone do me this way. I have gave him chance after chance and everytime he gets so upset at me and says its over and then calls me back a few days later proves to me its time to pick up and move on with my life.

I havent spoke to him in two days, so he will probably end up calling me back. This time it was over a cell phone, I suggested he get one. Yes I know he doesnt have a job that is why I suggested I would let him use my prepaid phone I had for a while that way in case something happened he could contact someone even if it wasnt me. OHHHH NOOO he said he wouldnt get one this and that and flew off on me. I said well if you are going to act this way then its best we not even speak, he said that he will act this way as long as I keep my attitude and b****ing up and hung up. That was it...and this time I am leaving it at that. Granted he may not call me back...but more than likely he will. This time though, I have deleted his number out of my phone and leave my phone in my purse when I am at work. I get up at 430 every morning and go to the gym and then when I get off I make sure I'm not sitting at home pining over him. He had his chances, I mean after all that he did I was actually(stupid me) thinking of giving him that 10th chance...

This has been very hard especially since he does this to me all the time and I keep going back. This would all be solved if I could just be that strong to let go, to not answer him when he calls back. Speaking to him at all does no good except make me second guess every choice I have made when I know I am right.

Well anyway, how is your situation? Hope things are going well for you!

[Raiatea]

Glad you got back to me, was concerned that something bad had happened.

 

So you were generous enough to offer him the use of your phone, and this caused him to act all offended? What???? Does this man have a problem accepting help or something? He comes to you with problems, and when you listen and try to do something (which was actually a really nice gesture of you to offer him your phone for a while) he hung up.

 

It is a shame that things seem to be geting worse for him, but now you are no longer together (even though you still have feelings for him) then you must cut yourself off from him. You are doing such a good job even though its early days yet. And you seriously get up at 4.30am?? You are VERY disciplined!

 

Perhaps I am wrong ,but it seems that some men are expert manipulators. They know how to get sympathy and often make you feel like you are in the wrong, and so you apologise and promise to change your behaviour. Yet some part of you inside KNOWS they are playing games and you get so mad at yourself for giving in. But then I suppose that there are just as many women out there who do the same. I'm not saying that he is playing emotional games with you, you care about him and it seems that he uses that to get back with you. Is there any way you could just be friends with him, instead of being in a relationship? Or would the temptation be to great to get back with him?

 

Glad that you are remaining strong and not giving into him. If he calls you ,before you answer your phone, think of all the times you cried because of the way he treated you, just remember the sleepless nights you had because of him. When an ex and I split up, I wrote down things that he had done or said that had upset me. I nearly filled a large notebook, but whenever he invited me over for a meal or to "talk about us" after the split, I re-read all the things I wrote and it made me feel so much better. Actually that is really bad advice (sorry) as I did get depressed when I was writing that list and it made me dwell on the past too much.

 

You are doing the right thing, even though it hurts right now. Don't give up!

 

My situation is getting a little better (my thread "do all couples in happy relationships argue" gives more information) but my feelings havent changed, I am just learing to control my reaction.

 

Let me know if he calls you, and whether you resisted answering! Good luck!

[jennifer1983]

Hey good to hear back from you too....

Well after he called at least 8 times from a restricted number, and I know it was him because gee I never get restricted call numbers until him and I quit talking, he called three times from his number finally also and I never answered. He left me a few messages saying how he knew now I never wanted to work things out because he was trying to get back with me and that I never gave him enough time to change(go figure).

The last time my friend was using my phone and she answered and so I talked to him for a few minutes. He said that he still loved me and wanted to work things out with me if I would just talk to him...HAHA. I was upset yes and cried for quite a while but I am doing ok.

He said that he got me something and wanted to give it to me and kept hinting that "everyone" was excited about it? I am not sure what it could be but I told him I didnt want anything from him and I appreciate the gesture but I didnt need him to buy me gifts so he could hold that over my head.

Anyway, how are you doing?

[jennifer1983]

Here is yet another update...

 

I found out what the gift was...a RING..yes a very special ring one wears on a very special finger....

I said I didnt know and then I started thinking well maybe he was going to really try to change...BUT

Three days later we get into an argument at his friends house and he up and leaves..and walks in the snow and wouldnt even talk to me..

The next day his sister called wanting me to meet her and him at his car to give him his stuff he left in my car and didnt even want to speak to me. That night I get another restricted call and hang up but that has been it.

So wtf is that? Why would someone propose to go three days later and not even want to speak to them.

That was on Sunday....this is now Wednesday and he hasnt called me...I think the longest we have been broke up is maybe a week so this time its looking like he wont call me back which I am sure is a good thing but is sure tearing me up inside especially since he proposed.

I am not sure how someone could be that cold...he should have never gave me a ring if he never really wanted it......btw I never gave the ring back.

[Raiatea]

I'm sorry that I didn't couldn't reply to your 1st message above, but when I read your last post I was shocked! This man is messing with your head!!

 

Glad you kept the ring - I hope it is worth something....

 

Would you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who treats you like this, when he is supposed to be making a committment to you? Please please think carefully about whether you want to be with him, what about in 10 years time if you have children with him, and he treats you like this then? His behaviour appears to be very childish towards you, and also very changeable. You can't walk on eggshells around him for the rest of your life, and when you think a man will make an effort to change - believe me, he won't.

 

I hope you are feeling ok anyway, let me know if he calls.

 

An update on my situation - when he was out, I was looking for a receipt for a bag that he got me for christmas (I need to take it back to the store as it is faulty) and I found out that he spent a lot of money on someone else at the same store (both receipts were together). I tried to think logically, yes he could have bought a bag and purse for his mother or sister in law but it made me think "who else does he know that well to spend $300 on christmas gifts?". So I continued to search for clues and I found something which has destroyed me emotionally.

 

He is married.

[jennifer1983]

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to hear that I know you must be an emotional wreck right now. I know there is nothing that will really help your heartache right now because all you want to do is go back and change things so he will be what you want.

The only thing you can do is move on and dont talk to him anymore(I should be taking my own advice).

I am very embarassed to admit that I went out tonight and had a few drinks and started thinking well its been three days and he has made no attempt to call me...so I did what I never thought I would do...I called him. He never answered and I left a message...no call back. I know even if he doesnt call me back anytime soon he will eventually after he gets done seeing what else is out there or when someone else screws him over. Im not blaming it on the alcohol at all it was my own stupid mistake.

I cannot believe I did this as it did make me feel worse and that is usually something I can take pride in...I have never called him after we broke up. I guess the whole proposing thing then breaking up really did hurt me. Then I start thinking this man has nothing and I gave him everything so why isnt he calling me back begging because he cant find anyone to be as good to him as I was....I know that sounds bad but it really is true.

Anyway, I hope you are doing ok with this new information you found out and support is here for you when you get weak.....Something that helps me is to know its not just me who gets done these sh***y ways....

This time, if and when he calls back I have deleted his numbers and even threw away all his pictures and letters.

He is a loser, always will be, and he will never find another woman who will treat him as good as I did, even he and everyone he knows has admitted I was the best thing that ever happened to him.

Good luck and hope to hear from you soon.