markman Posted February 3, 2006 Share Posted February 3, 2006 Hello, first timer here, read posts for a couple of hours ... here is my problem: I think my wife is in her midlife crisis (40). She has a male friend (50) whom she spends more and more time with. She spent the last two Sundays with him helping him with this and that. He calls and invites her for lunch and coffee during the day (while I'm at work). She gives him big hugs and kisses him on the mouth when they meet or depart. They say 'I love you' on the phone. He is a mutual friend and sometimes we go out together. And of course she insists that they are 'just friends'. To most of you this looks like a clear case. However my wife thinks they are just friends and she does hug other friends in the same way. She claims that when she says 'I love you' to him it's just small talk-casual style. You know, some people do say 'I love you' to everyone and he is that kind of personality. We both say 'I love you' to each other only once or twice a year however. Now this could be all harmless at this point but I really start to wonder what happens in a year or two after the two spent so much time with each other. I am a strong believer that relationships are formed by just simply spending time with each other and therefore this makes me real nervous. After writing all this I now realize that noone but me can really make any decision so if you could just post a few thoughts that you might have. Thanks, Mark Link to post Share on other sites
In Like Flynn Posted February 4, 2006 Share Posted February 4, 2006 Kissing on the mouth is very over the top!!! Heck..I don't kiss any of my family on the mouth except the wife and kids!!! Big red flag!!! Just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Lennox Posted February 4, 2006 Share Posted February 4, 2006 Markman: You need to have a heart to heart talk with your wife. Marriage is not a 50/50 proposition, it's 100/100 in order to make it work. If you feel uncomfortable with the situation, and I can see why you are, you need to tell her that it's making you uncomfortable and she needs to cool it. Heck, even swallow a bit of pride and tell her that you're feeling jealous. If she's not a selfish woman, she's going to have her heart touched by your concern and try her best to reassure you that nothing happened, nor is anything going to happen because she's going to spend less time with him and more time with you. I have a really nice male friend who is single. I sometimes spend time with him, but I would never spend time with him if my husband expressed any desire that I stay home with him instead. My hubby always comes first, before any friends or family. At 50, this guy should also be aware that his relationship with her may possibly upset you. He's young enough that he needs to look for a real girlfriend for himself and loosen up the dependancy on your wife. Stand up for yourself friend. There's nothing wrong with being trusting, but there's trusting...then there's being oblivious! Unless this guy is gay...then she's just spending time with a girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2006 Share Posted February 4, 2006 Ask her how she would feel if you had a woman friend 10 years older, hung out with her on SUNDAY'S (which is a weekend!!), kissed her on the mouth, hugged her and told her you loved her. DON'T you think your wife would be upset and jealous? You are right, them spending one on one time together is allowing a bond to form. It may not be sexual, but it could be emotional. And who knows what his intentions really are...He is a guy! (no offense to you Mark!) I agree, unless he's GAY, they should not be spending so much time together, let alone kissing, hugging and talking. That is what her women friends are for! You have every right to let her know you find their friendship inappropriate. And that some space is needed. You come first, not that other man. Good luck and keep posting! Link to post Share on other sites
travellingman Posted February 4, 2006 Share Posted February 4, 2006 She gives him big hugs and kisses him on the mouth You sure it's just an emotional affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Author markman Posted February 4, 2006 Author Share Posted February 4, 2006 You sure it's just an emotional affair? she says that they are not having sex and I believe her, to be honest it would be easier for me if she came home some day and told me she just had sex with a stranger, it was fun blah blah, and she doesn't even remember his name. Right now she having sex with a stranger wouldn't bother me much because from my perspective (typical male I must add) sex can only be sex and nothing more. However I am surprised how much she enjoys her new 'male' girlfriend. He is not gay and I am sure he wants to have sex with her. It wouldn't be a problem for me to tell him to **** off but I think she should not discuss our issues with him nor should she spend so much time with him. I think she is a bit naive and believes his words 'let's just be really good friends'. She knows that it bother's me and won't change her behavior. I haven't looked into her eyes for about a week now and she doesn't even ask what's wrong. I'll wait one more weekend and see what happens before I say some harsh words. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2006 Share Posted February 4, 2006 Ok, she is discussing YOUR marriage with him? That isn't good, especially if he wants to sleep with her...BE very careful! HE will push whatever buttons to get her to react, to fall into his trap. Maybe it's not as malcious and pre-planned as that, but if she can't see this, or admit that is a possibility, then the problem is bigger than you think. Is she defensive about him? I think you need to talk to her asap! DO NOT let them hangout this weekend! And her priorities are screwed up if she is putting more thought into him than you. His feelings are not important compared to yours. Consider what I mentioned in an earlier post. Reverse the situation and get her to imagine if you had a female friend you were close with, talked to, kissed, hugged and opened up with alot. I'm betting she would be pissed off and jealous too! And you also have every right to tell him to BUTT OUT of your marriage. And, she knows what's wrong, how you feel yet she is ignoring your feelings. Disreguarding your hurt. She is justifying this inside her head because she likes the attention he's giving her. I'm sure she is flattered too. I'm really hoping that she hasn't slept with him. Another thing, it's very rare a woman will have a one night stand and it be just "sex." Men have an easier time separating the two, most women can't. She has bonded with him...Emotionally and if you don't stop this NOW, it will, if it hasn't already, turn physical. It's only a matter of time. Can I ask, what is your marriage like on a daily basis? Do you feel maybe some of your needs and her needs aren't being met? I ask this because of the time being spent with him... If you both can work together, fix any problems that are going on, go to marriage counselling, that will also stop this man from entering into your lives and trying to woo your wife. BE strong and do not cave in. She may not be happy about having to let go of him, but if she wants you as her husband and this marriage to work, that is how it has to go. She MUST end it with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted February 4, 2006 Share Posted February 4, 2006 I'll wait one more weekend and see what happens before I say some harsh words. While I think her behavior is inappropriate and demeaning to your marriage, and his as well, I wouldn't start out with harsh words. I'd have a real conversation with her, not a confrontation. The mere fact that you are bothered by this relationship should be all it takes for her to back off. If it isn't, I'd decidedly consider it an affair. Actually, I already do, whether emotional, physical or both. Any relationship that takes time, attention and emotional energy away from your marriage is an affair in my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
travellingman Posted February 4, 2006 Share Posted February 4, 2006 I'll wait one more weekend and see what happens before I say some harsh words. Why wait? I'm having an EA myself, and I don't say "I Love You" to someone else in front of my wife, and I'm not kissing anyone on the mouth besides the woman who gave birth to my daughter. Really hate to break it to you, but she is way over the line already. I wish you the best, and if there's anything I can do to help, just ask. Link to post Share on other sites
Lennox Posted February 4, 2006 Share Posted February 4, 2006 Markman: She knows that it bothers you but continues to see him anyway? Why is this? Is she trying to get back at you about something? I don't get it. Why do you think she's doing this? There has to be some sort of reason somewhere. Does she think you already cheated on her? Are you abusive mentally or physically towards her? What gives? Link to post Share on other sites
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