Need some advice

[dark elf]

Let me start by telling you about me and my wife. We've been married a little over 4 months now, had been dating nearly 6 years prior to marriage, and living together a year and a half prior to marriage. She is 25, has an associates degree in culinary arts, and works as a pastry chef. I am 24, have a bachelors in computer info systems, and I work as a technical service manager.

 

While we love each other very much, we are pretty close to being exact opposite people emotionally. She is an extrovert - always socializing, going out, spending time with friends, etc. I on the other hand am a total introvert, and prefer quiet nights at home together, and maybe going out to eat or the movies.

 

Lately we have been having problems with our relationship, and she attributes alot of it to my inability to convey my emotions. When I try to put my emotions into words or on paper, all I generally come up with is a mixture confusion, anger, frustration and sadness. I can't easily explain what or how I'm feeling.

 

I think that my emotional responses where shaped early on, as my parents were very withdrawn as to their emotions, and also adding to this I was never in the in-crowd in school, and for most of my early childhood had no or very few friends, and was teased on a daily basis. I've struggled with depression for as long as I can remember, sometimes to the point of contemplating suicide, although I know it's something I could never go through with. As a result of all this I've been very withdrawn emotionally, and the happyness I try to convey externally is rarely mirrored internally. I've always tried to be the nice guy, the one who nothing fazes. I've always tried to give selflessly to make other happy, and generally my efforts have been met with my being taken advantage of or shunned. I have always dealt with my emotional problems by just ignoring them, or discounting them.

 

So my question is, how do other guys in similar situations deal with their bottled-up emotions? How did you learn to convey your feelings better?

[Tony T]

A good counsellor will help you with this and you need to see a therapist soon. Make sure you find one who is very good with these types of issues and plan to spend a number of sessions in counselling and doing a lot of outside homework.

 

You have a lot of anger issues. You basically admit to confusion, anger, frustration and sadness when you try to put your emotions down on paper. You also say you've struggled with low grade depression for many years.

 

Depression is anger turned inward and is cause mostly by suppressed anger. To become a whole person and to be able to enjoy life, you've got to get that anger to the surface and deal with it. Undoubtedly it relates to your life early on.

 

Yes, you have it right on the mark when you say that all this has to do with your early upbringing. A counsellor may help you identify ways in which you were made to feel certain ways as a youngster...mostly angry. Then you can go from there. Children are not able to express anger much because of the consequences so they just supress it...which is probably what you've done.

 

Do yourself a favor and get some help with this. In time, you will be a different person and a much happier person.

 

If you can't afford therapy, get some good books on anger and depression from the self-help or psychology sections of a good book store.

[Ed]

You remind me of myself when I was your age. I had to go through much more pain and loss before I finally took the time to seek out a counselor that I felt could help me get past a lot of roadblocks I had allowed in my life. You may have to also. I hope not.

 

I did make some attempts at straightening out some of my rough spots earlier on, but they were half hearted efforts. I had too much going for me. At least that is what I thought. I had a wife, a good education, a good job and a good heart. And still do, minus the wife (actually two of them). But none of that could mask the underlying feelings that I had never dealt with and was never taught or learned how to appropriately express. In a nutshell...I never grew up.

 

Well, I'm feeling much better now, although, I still have difficulty at times. You are in a good position to do something. Do as Tony (and I second) has suggested. Take that step to talk to someone that may be able to help. And if they can't, try someone else. Keep trying until you know you've got it right. Until you know who you are, what you feel and why. You know more than you think you do. You just need a little help sorting it out. Books helped me out a lot too.

 

Come on back here anytime. There are plenty of people willing to help out.

[arthropod]

well, i agree with the responses, and i think it sounds like a great start that you REALIZE that you've got some issues . . . give yourself some credit for that one!

 

don't know if i can mention things like this, but i found a nice short & concise book that helped me out:

 

"living through personal crisis"

 

now, it sounds like this is a sort of "directed" title, but this might be a nice start.

 

GOOD LUCK!!!

Let me start by telling you about me and my wife. We've been married a little over 4 months now, had been dating nearly 6 years prior to marriage, and living together a year and a half prior to marriage. She is 25, has an associates degree in culinary arts, and works as a pastry chef. I am 24, have a bachelors in computer info systems, and I work as a technical service manager. While we love each other very much, we are pretty close to being exact opposite people emotionally. She is an extrovert - always socializing, going out, spending time with friends, etc. I on the other hand am a total introvert, and prefer quiet nights at home together, and maybe going out to eat or the movies. Lately we have been having problems with our relationship, and she attributes alot of it to my inability to convey my emotions. When I try to put my emotions into words or on paper, all I generally come up with is a mixture confusion, anger, frustration and sadness. I can't easily explain what or how I'm feeling. I think that my emotional responses where shaped early on, as my parents were very withdrawn as to their emotions, and also adding to this I was never in the in-crowd in school, and for most of my early childhood had no or very few friends, and was teased on a daily basis. I've struggled with depression for as long as I can remember, sometimes to the point of contemplating suicide, although I know it's something I could never go through with. As a result of all this I've been very withdrawn emotionally, and the happyness I try to convey externally is rarely mirrored internally. I've always tried to be the nice guy, the one who nothing fazes. I've always tried to give selflessly to make other happy, and generally my efforts have been met with my being taken advantage of or shunned. I have always dealt with my emotional problems by just ignoring them, or discounting them. So my question is, how do other guys in similar situations deal with their bottled-up emotions? How did you learn to convey your feelings better?