Mistaken Identity Posted February 4, 2006 Share Posted February 4, 2006 I'm currently reading a book about controlling parents, in the hopes of understanding my own dysfunctional behavior. For instance, I've recently separated from my husband because my mother was constantly putting him down. I feel like I have to do everything she wants or she will--once again--disown me. It's a long story...Anyway, can anyone suggest any other books that might help me gain control of my own life without ruining hers? Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted February 4, 2006 Share Posted February 4, 2006 1. Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself -- by Melody Beattie 2. Facing Codependence : What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives -- by Pia Mellody, Andrea Wells Miller 3. Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps -- by Melody Beattie My best guess is that there is codependency going on in your life which makes you prey to your mother's controlling and you aren't convinced you should break away. My real suggestion is that you look for a local chapter of Co-Dependents Anonymous, known as CODA, attend a few meetings and see if that's what the problem really is. Your question about "help me gain control of my own life without ruining hers" pretty much says it all. You permitted her to break up your marriage but you don't want to touch her life or rock her boat. That pretty much says it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mistaken Identity Posted February 6, 2006 Author Share Posted February 6, 2006 Thanks for the advice and the book recommendations. I will look for a CODA meeting. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I take antidepressants anyway, so it's not like there's much more I can do to feel better other than to educate myself. I have a lot of resentment for my mother because she alllowed her drunken boyfriend to live with us the entire time we were growing up. If they weren't fighting with each other, they were fighting with us. I mean physically and verbally fighting. My sister and I have both grown up and married men who don't provide for us. ( Even though my mom's boyfriend worked, he spent all of his money on alcohol.) Nevertheless, my husband, when he's not disappearing (he has problems with anxiety), makes me feel loved. He is the first person in my life to make me feel that way. So, despite all his other drawbacks, I can't seem to let him go. But I have. I just don't know if I'e made a mistake or not...Anyway, my mother finally left her lousy boyfriend after 27 years (after ruining our childhood!) and now she acts remorseful. I still have resentment, though. Is that my right? Just because she has changed doesn't change the past and the fact that she screwed up her kids...Anybody have an opinion? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 Hi, I've experienced a similar situation, and I have the remedy for you. It has worked for me. The name of the book is "making peace with your past" by H. Borman Wright. It puts everything in perspective. It makes you understand why mom is the way she is, it teaches you to believe in yourself, how to forgive, and essentially get what you need from the relationship and let go of old deep rooted resentment. Trust me, if you follow the suggestions, you will set yourself free. Peace to you! Link to post Share on other sites
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