Difficult Custody Transitions

[TwoYearsOut]

Approximately two years out from my divorce, I am still having problems with child visitation with my 7 year old son. To preface let me state, that I was the one who wanted the divorce, and have never regretted the divorce.

 

My Ex moved to a city four hours drive away despite my discussions with her that this would make custody visits more difficult for both of us. She moved because of career issues for her. We have a standard custody order with me having weekend custody on the 1st, 3rd, and 5th Friday of each month. I have had problems from since the divorce in my Ex not honoring the decree, and not giving custody when required (multiple police reports document this), ALWAYS (100%) late releasing him to my custody (I drive 4 to 5 hours to pick him up and make it on time 90%, but she always has a reason why she is late to her own apt complex to give him to me. This is a problem since after driving 4-5 hours to pick him up, I then turn around to go back home, and when she delays me (on the order of 30-60 mins) I do not get home till after midnight.

 

She repeatedly attempts to disrupt my custody time with him by saying she has scheduled events for my son during my time. I have repeatedly told her not to do this since it is not her perogative to schedule things during my custody time. She repeatedly attempts to dictate to me that she will pick him up early, and I repeatedly say that I intend to honor the decree. On the flip-side, knowing that they have a long drive back after she picks him up, I allow her to pick him up 3 hours early routinely.

 

My son's visits with me have with the exception of one visit, have been enjoyable for my son, with him always telling me he had fun. The one exception occured when he tied the cat up with rope, and nearly hanged the cat with the neighbors son. After discussing the issue with my EX we concurred that it was appropriate to spank him on that occassion after making sure he understood why. That is the only time in the past two years I spanked him.

 

My most recent problem occured when after getting up a 4:30AM to go to work, working all day, driving 5 hours in traffic to pick up my son arriving at their apt., my son says he is too tired to go. I tell my ex that at 7 years old, my son is not old enough to make a decision if he wants to come with me. It is disrespectful to me to think that I will drive 10 hours total and for my son to say he does not want to go. It is my position that I say to my son that it is not his decision and that he will be coming with me. Further I think this issue arose because my ex has presented my custody visits like it is my sons choice. If she would share the postion with me that he must go, I do not think it would be an issue. After waiting 90 mins at the front of the apt, I left back home

 

Any advice how to handle this.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Hi!

I am new to this forum as well. I have not experienced a divorce, but I am thinking about it. Please explain to me why you agreed to only seeing your son every other weekend. The reason that I am curious is that it seems awfully unfair to you (and by no means a "standard" arrangement). Wouldn't it be better for you to have him for a longer stretch of time, say 2 full months in the summer?

 

I can understand that you son doesn't want to visit you any more -- and it is not because you spanked him -- it is because of the long drive. Kids want to be entertained every moment. I can also sense some resentment on his part (again, not because of the resentment). Could he be beginning to grasp the concept of a divorce? Maybe he he needs counseling to get him through these first few years of losing his parents.

[Ladyjane14]

Any advice how to handle this.

 

Why not move closer to where your son lives?

 

The last poster had a good point....it sucks to be 7 years old and stuck in the car for hours on end.

[TwoYearsOut]

Although I have considered moving to the same city, I do not think this would be a solution. The reason is the following.

 

Firstly, it was my Ex's choice to move. I stated that she moved for career reasons. The fact is that my Ex is a nurse, and nurses are wanted EVERYWHERE with abundant jobs in every city including where we both originally lived. I understand that career is important but, when we discussed the rationale for her move, I never heard one mention that it would benefit my son.

 

Secondly, prior to her move, she implied that if I increased my financial support to her, that it may not be necessary for her to move. Once again, as a nurse she makes decent to good money, plus I pay $1700 a month child support, so she was not starving by any means. I believed she was attempting to blackmail me into paying more money by using my son as collateral. Even if I paid more money and she and my son stayed in the same city, she still could choose to leave at any time.

 

Similarly, if I moved to the same city, she could pick up and leave at any time. In fact twice in the past month when we have had a conflict over custody visits she has threatened to move to a different state. The reason for this is that she continuosly attempted to have me pick up and drop off my son, when due to her choice of moving, the decree says that I will pick up, and she will drop off.

 

Yes I do indeed have a standard Texas custody order which basically gives me, the non-custodial parent, the 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends each month. and every other holidays, summers. I can't speak for other states, but that is what Texas standard order states.