Once a cheater, always a cheater?

[JoL]

I've recently started to get close to a guy who i have always considered to be just a friend. I have known him for around a year, and i know A LOT about him some things which have surprised me a great deal...but because we were only friends it was none of my concern at the time.

 

The run down is, he is 31 and he has admitted to never being faithful to any girlfriend he has had. He told me this a few months ago when things were very platonic between us. He said he regrets a lot and is a changed man and how he wanted to meet a nice girl and treat her right and commit... He basically gave me a spiel about how he is over the bull**** and just wants to treat a girl right...which is all fine and dandy and i encouraged him at the time...

 

..but in the last 2 weeks we have gotten really close. It started with innocent SMS msgs and then lead to us having dinner together (very platonic again)...which then lead to him taking me to a sporting game and hanging out with his friends at a club. During these outings we cuddled a bit and were close, but no kissing or anything sexual.

 

He then hinted that he was falling for me and wanted to keep seeing me to see where things go....we went out again and kissed on the beach one night. It was lovely and i have to say, i think we surprised ourselves.

 

Since then, we have spent 10 days straight hanging out and seeing eachother. In this time we have kissed, cuddled, but it has gone no further, neither of us have tried to push it any further which is actually nice.

 

Now, my issues... i am totallly, completely and utterly paranoid and have no trust for him. i shudder when i think that the guy i like is the same guy who spend 10 years f#cking around like an idiot. I know that due to these issues i should run and not look back...i believe that once someone is capable of cheating, what makes me any different to the girls in the past?

 

I ask him this constantly, i question him, i ask for answers, i want to know how he can be sure. He is always adament is has changed and he will prove it to me. His friends have jumped on his bandwagon as well and are spending a great deal of time convincing me that he is a changed man.

 

He has spent the last 10 days telling me every single day how much he likes me, how much he wants to be with me and how he cant believe how he feels about me. He laid his cards on the table with how he feels and said he wants me to know he is falling for me in a big way....although i do believe he has feelings for me, how do i know when things get tough at any stage if we were to have a relationship, that he wouldnt just go out and do what he has done in the past?

 

He uses his 2 best friends as examples of changed men. They are both married and madly in love with their partners, have never even contemplated cheating apparantly.... i know he is trying to show me that people can change.

 

Like a moth to a flame i am so drawn to him....but at the same time i am risking getting burnt- badly. I know that with this many issues i should pull away and not get involved....but at the same time i like him a lot....we would be so good together if it weren't for his past. In a way im glad i know, and in another way i wish i didnt.

 

I dont know what to do. Can people change? Or should i keep with the mentality once a cheater always a cheater?

[RainyDayWoman]

yes, people can change. and they do.

 

sure, some don't. but you can't pin a lable on someone for making a mistake, even if it's a big mistake.

 

if i dated a guy who cheated on someone else, i might be a little wary...but until he did something to show me otherwise, i would trust him.

 

and then if he showed me i couldn't trust him, he'd be out on his ass. but that still doesn't mean he would cheat on the next person. it would just mean he hasn't found what he's looking for yet.

 

every situation is different. good luck!

[Pyro]

It depends on the person. If they have a soul and feel pity for cheating, then I believe that they can change. If they are heartless and only think of themselves, then they will continue to cheat.

[TeaCooler]

i believe any guy who cheated on me will cheat on everyone else, because it makes me feel better about myself that i am not so horribly cheatworthy!

 

no, seriously, i don't think once a cheater, always a cheater is true. i think it makes people very angry, and it is hard to forgive, and it feels better to think this person is an animal with no morals and no feelings. but i think we all know that isn't always the truth, even if it feels more satisfying to believe it.

[Angel]

Not always, but more than likely.

 

I wouldn't be willing to bet my life (and possible future children's lives) on this guy. It would be like counting on the lottery for retirement.

 

What is important is his CHARACTER. Does he lie, cheat? Are your VALUES similar? Does he have good friends not just superficial ones. What does he value?

 

The problem with cheaters is that they are also liars---and damn good ones. Be careful, you might be playing with fire.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

I think by definition, if you cheat once you should always be labelled a cheater. After all, a murderer who serves his time in prison is still regarded as a murderer, even after going free.

 

By tendency, however, it's not necessarily true. Of course people can change, but I wonder how many people change enough?

[TeaCooler]

I think by definition, if you cheat once you should always be labelled a cheater. After all, a murderer who serves his time in prison is still regarded as a murderer, even after going free.

 

By tendency, however, it's not necessarily true. Of course people can change, but I wonder how many people change enough?

 

i don't know. i understand your point but a dead person can't move on; a person who was cheated on can. i just see a difference there.

 

i think murder and cheating are on two different levels of wrong.

[Xenchi]

Although it is never proper to make assumtions about others or to apply labels, we must remember to be creatures of intellect. If a person has exibited a certain behavior time and time again, logic dictates that the person in question has a "disposition" for that behavior. Being a Christian, I believe in the redemptive qualities of man. Although, the Realist in me must admit that the likelyhood of this transformation is often quite slim. If in your heart of hearts you see something in this man that is worth taking the undeniable risk of being yet another "victim" of his, then take the plunge. But the decision is yours and yours only to make. It will be your heart that will pay the penance for any mistakes in judgement regarding this situation. Just be forewarned.....he has openly advised you of his dubious past, are you willing to proceed at your own risk? And furthermore........"Is the juice worth the squeeze?"

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

My boyfriend always yells at me because I analogize everything to murder and murderers.

[TeaCooler]

My boyfriend always yells at me because I analogize everything to murder and murderers.

 

i'm sorry he yells at you.

 

it is a bit extreme, though, to compare everything to murder and murderers.

 

i've been cheated on, and i've dealt with someone important in my life being murdered.

 

i can tell you which one is worse, but i have a feeling you'll figure it out on your own.

 

but ask him not to yell at you, that isn't very nice.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

i'm sorry he yells at you.

 

it is a bit extreme, though, to compare everything to murder and murderers.

 

i've been cheated on, and i've dealt with someone important in my life being murdered.

 

i can tell you which one is worse, but i have a feeling you'll figure it out on your own.

 

but ask him not to yell at you, that isn't very nice.

That's very shocking. I'm sorry.

 

And I meant it as a figure of speech...a figure of speech I made up just on the spot. He doesn't actually yell, he just makes fun of me. But now I'll have to watch myself.

[TeaCooler]

That's very shocking. I'm sorry.

 

And I meant it as a figure of speech...a figure of speech I made up just on the spot. He doesn't actually yell, he just makes fun of me. But now I'll have to watch myself.

 

 

yeah, it definitely puts things in perspective. but i am glad to know he chides rather than berates you.

 

in any case, to the original question, i don't think it's fair to label everyone who engages in like behavior the same way. everyone has different circumstances, even if we just like to think they are cheating scum because it was done to us.

[Sadbuttrue39]

People can change, BUT..

He is lying. I can totally sense it. The same thing has happened to me, and 4 of my other best girl friends( and lots of people on this board ).I even talked this post over with my friends after I read it. They agree. If you're going to be with this guy, you really need to be VERY cautious. Also, what is his history with his family? Are his parents still together? Are the divorced/divorced & back together? Have they cheated before?

Chances are, if he cheated on every single girl he was with, he'll definitly do it again no matter what he says simply because if he didn't care about those girls enought not to do it, he won't to you & he's used to doing that to people without caring. It's sad but totally true. Just ask around the board and most will tell you the same.

 

Good luck to you if you DO decide to date this guy; and if not, find someone with a better past, that you can trust no questions asked.

 

I hope I helped.

[UnderWorld]

To tell u the truth since his close friends are like that he prolly wants to be that way also! but i mean maybe he opened up telling u this because he wants to change or to just get in ur pants?idk