Melting or Friendship?

[lionest]

I got engaged to a guy I’ve been with for 3 years and known for 4 on X-mass eve. Things have always been good between us but to be honest I’ve never felt that vavavoom with him. He’s my best friend and the guy I can see myself raising children with. I can honestly see us at 80 on some porch some where. Unfortunately … I’m not attracted to him physically at all and lately its been severely effecting our sex life. He doesn’t know this obviously but I do. Ever since I said yes I’ve been freaking out about our relationship. Wondering if friendship I mean true friendship is enough for a marriage. He is also a bit obsessed with computer games and shortly after we were engaged began playing several hours a day. Because of this I started talking online to old friends. One of which is my ex boyfriend. Actually he is The Ex-boyfriend. My first and the one that got my V. He was my first love in the way that makes your toes curl and your heart leap. So we started talking and it was like I was 18 again. I’ve never truly gotten over him but we have stayed friends and we’ve never tried to rekindle ( mainly due to bad timing). Through our conversations I found out he had just lost his first love to another man. And was re-evaluating his life. He said he still thought of me and missed me.. he realized how much we had together to late and wasn’t ready for it when he had it. I told him I was engaged. And in love. He told me he was moving in 6 months. We decided to get together for lunch and we had a wonderful time. The best time I’ve had in months. I was 18 again and giddy. We didn’t do anything- not even hold hands- but, I think a part of both of us wanted to. I had asked my fiancé if it was ok but after it went well he started to show signs of jealousy. It was cute at first but that was two weeks ago and now its really gotten on my nerves. To be honest I don’t know if he should be nervous about me talking to my ex or not. There’s a part of me that would give almost anything for a week with him. I could never cheat on my fiancé. But I miss... being with a person that makes me melt. I don’t want to feel this way and the guilt of my thoughts are eating me alive. What do I do? I feel bad if I just stop talking to the ex he’s a great friend and brings things out in me I thought were dead. But I can’t imagine my life with out my fiancé in it.

[Angel]

Sounds like you're not ready to get married at all. You need time to mature and understand why two people get married. It is not about melting.

 

It is not fair to your fiancee that you don't feel that attracted to him----let him find someone who does. It is not all about you. It is not kind to do that to another human being.

 

It is also not fair that you privately have the hots for another man.

 

Do both of yourselves a favor and move on.

Good luck.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

lionest, I completely understand what you're saying about not being attracted to your fiance, and I know it's not selfish at all--in fact, it's very unselfish. I wasn't physically attracted to my most recent ex-boyfriend at all, but I'm not the sort of person that places a lot of emphasis on how "hot" my significant other. I think it's sort of shallow. I appreciated him for other things, like his intelligence and humour, which he had lots of, and most of the time I didn't even notice that he was unattractive.

 

However, while friendship/companionship is a very important part of a marriage, love is as well, and thought you haven't said it explicitly, it sort of sounds like you're questioning whether or not you truly love this guy. Things aren't always going to be "vavavoom;" you're going to get used to each other eventually, but if you feel like you're not ready for a "comfortable" relationship, maybe you're not ready to get married?

 

By the way, you said your ex-bf just recently lost his first love to another man--does that mean he didn't love you, or that this happened before you and him?

[Xenchi]

I know this ordeal must be very hard for you. It is very difficult to have "actually" loved-and-lost, and honestly move on. It seems the common reaction to this loss is to start to "play it safe" (find a "safe/stable" person to be with, ie....friend type) instead of a person that lights your world anew (the type of spark you feel with the Ex). It's the question of the ages.......do I choose stability and self-control over passion and fulfillment? Whatever the decision that you make, you must make it whole-heartedly. Your fiancee deserves no less than a difinitive decision on your part. Should you take vows of eternity with him, you must be content to surrender to a more subtle form of fulfillment. Once we have drank from the chalice of passion, will a drink by any other ever quell our thirst?

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed, how would you feel if your boyfriend was doing to you what you are doing to him? You are at the least mentally disrespecting him in so many ways. Does he really deserve this?

[lilmoma1973]

 

Sounds like what the other posters have said you aren't ready to get married.. You don't want to marry someone just for a friend! Maybe you should hold off marry and give you two a break to see where things go.. Just a suggestion ..You can see yourself with him on the porch at 80 but you aren't attracted to him.. If you love this guy and see yourself with him many many yrs down the road what is the problem.. We all grow old and don't look the same so what does attraction got to do with anything? If you love him than that should be enough.. I think you are having second thoughts and aren't ready..Good luck and way your options to see what is best

[lionest]

First off

-The whole not being attracted to my fiancé thing is really not as big a deal as it may have come across. To be honest I’ve never been physically attracted to any of my partners. It’s always something else about them that gets to me.

 

Secondly-

I’m not foolish enough to think there could honestly ever be anything lasting between my ex and me. The passion that we once had was bright and hot and would burn its self out in a matter of weeks. I don’t miss our relationship I miss the person I was when I was in it. It was a girl who was innocent and didn’t have any responsibilities. Currently I’m living in a house we’re buying that’s falling down around us. We live with roommates who act more like our children then like friends. One day I was young and alive and now it’s like I have to plan time to smile.

 

To answer Brynp

There actually was a time 6 or so months after we met that he chose between me and another girl... He chose her. He then didn't talk to me for 6 months because she didn't want him to.

 

After re-reading what I wrote; and reading everyone’s responses. I don’t think it’s my relationship I’m un-happy with… I think it’s me. I’ve let myself grow old to quickly and my fiancé along with everyone who knows me deserves to have that vibrant person I used to be back in there lives. I just have to figure out how to get back there without letting any of my responsibilities slip.

 

And to finish up. I would like to know who has ever been, and what exactly it means to be “ready for marriage.” With the divorce rate how it is and more couples choosing to just never take that leap. Who can say what ready is. I think there are some things that people should be afraid of, marriage is one of them -and having kids is a close second. If you’re not afraid a little and questioning yourself at every turn what keeps you from taking the whole concept for granted. To question and worry and ask is to know something better then those who choose to close there mind and never wonder. I don’t want to wake up after 15 years going… I was ready then but now I’m ready for something else. I can’t think of any step in my life I’ve been truly ready for. I’ve always doubted my decisions and asked myself to prove me right. It’s been a terrifying life… it’s also been immensely worth it. And I can’t see how this is going to be any different. I agree with Xenchi which is why I question myself. I want to make the right decision; and not think about it in 15 years. Divorce will not be an option for us so we both have to be sure. He is and so am I. But we are waiting two more years till we say I DO to give us both time to become the people we want to be together.

 

I hope this made something resembling since.