Does NC work if girlfriend has new bf?

[Pipman]

Background. I ve split up with my g/f for about 4 months now. One day she sent me an email saying she did not want to be b/f and g/f no more. No explainations, and did not want to talk about our relationship as she was suffering from stress. I ve found out that this was untrue and she had formulated a reply about her stress not wanting to talk about our relationship. It ended back in October and I found out she went back on a dating site after 4 days we split up to look for a new b/f. It seems like she fell out of love with me during the 7 months we where together. I ve asked her when we would get back together and she replied `I dunno!?` Also she mentioned if `something else comes along she would take it`. (maked me feel like second best) I asked her if there was someone else and she said `no`. Is she stringing me along. She dumoed me, and has not called one or texted, but only when I initiate communication. I ve started this NC thing and I m on my 6th day. I m craking up. Does a dumper ever think about an ex they have dumped? The question is........... How does NC work if you ex has found a new partner?

[Touche]

It's not designed solely for the purpose of getting your ex back. In fact, from the sound of it, it doesn't sound like that's going to happen. It's designed primarily to help you move on and not humiliate yourself. Keep your integrity. She's obviously not interested.

 

Keep posting here to help you deal with it. It will get easier.

[Pipman]

Thanks Touche for your reply, but the way I m thinking now is that if I don`t initiate any kind of contact with her she will think I don`t love her anymore, and I m frightened that if I do I will have lost her. I would still like her to think of me. I don`t know if she is playing games as she told me that I am welcome to her house anytime, and she would like to be friends.

 

Around 2 weeks ago, I texted her to thank her in helping out with my remortgaging of my house.. She never replied for 2 hours and then I recieved a text saying she had just come off the phone to her friend. I immediately replied foolishly `Thanks for your help, I d like call you some time x`, and she replied `you can call me now if you like, but no chocolates or flowers as I m very strong at the moment x` So I called her straight away,and we spoke on the phone for 3 hours. Thats when at the end of the call I asked her if there was someone else and she said no. I also asked if she had moved on and she said `yes, I ve moved on mentally`.

 

She also wanted me to `date other people and, once I ve done that to then go back to her` What the hell does that mean?

 

My ex had 2 previous boyfriends, before me. I don`t know if they still keep in touch with her. I would still like to be friend, but she seems to be handling this break up very carelessly. Should I do reduced contact? The problem is Valentines day is coming up. Do I send her a card? If I do, does this mean I m breaking NC? what about birthdays etc?

[Touche]

In my opinion, you're too invested in her emotionally to just be friends. This never works out. Ask those who've tried it. You'll always want more than she does. She's given you all the answers you need. Read your post again. It's all in there. You've already lost her. She just wants to keep you around in the background. But that's not what YOU want. Don't let her do that to you. Keeping NC is not going to change how she feels about you one way or the other. Doesn't work that way.

 

If you send her cards, you're breaking NC, feeding her ego and humiliating yourself. Don't do it or you will feel worse. If there's even a shred of hope of her coming back to you (and I really don't think there is...sorry) this is your only hope. If you keep contact with her, you can kiss her goodbye for SURE. If you don't, you have a little chance. So which do you prefer, a little chance or NO chance? Act accordingly.

 

You're welcome by the way. Keep posting, ok?

[Pipman]

Touche you are giving me some sound advice. In fact you are giving me a good kick up the back side! Love is blind. I still love her, but I think at times I blame myself. I wasnt there when she needed me. She was signed of work for around 10 weeks for stress, and I wasnt there for her check up how she was. I m doing everything possible to replace that wasnt in the relationship.

 

I ve read a few posts on here, and in other forums. Some say that if I still contact her as even being a friend. If it doesnt work out with the new guy she may come round. Maybe she would look back and say `yeah, at least he was there as a friend` (you know the soulder to cry on). I ve heard some people get back together even as friends through limited or reduced contact. I m worried that if I still continue this game of none contact I ll fade away like her other ex boyfriends. How does NC not going to change the way she feels about me? Sorry I dont understand. If I do NC will it help her get closer to her new man, as she may believe that I ve given up? Will she think about me if I do NC? If I do contact her at least there is a possibilty to show I still care. I m soooo confused.

[Touche]

Yes, I can see that you're confused. Here's what I would do Pip. Write her a letter or email. Tell her where you thought you went wrong. Apologize for whatever you feel you were wrong about. Tell her that you realize she needs this time now and you will respect her wishes and let her have her space. Tell her that you love her too much to just be her friend now. It's all or nothing for you. And then tell her that she knows how to get a hold of you and you hope you hear from her if she wants to start over with you. And then, and this is the MOST IMPORTANT PART, you step back. You disappear. You don't contact her. That's it. The ball is now in her court. No half measures. No friend in the background for her to call when she feels like it. Be a man or she won't respect you. If you do not do this, you will risk her losing ALL respect for you. And I can sense she's already lost some for you already.

 

It will be tough at first. But no pain, no gain. It really applies here.

 

Any more questions?

[Touche]

Just wanted to add this. If she doesn't come around after a period of NC, then it was never meant to be. Believe me. In the meantime, you really need to get out, meet others, get busy with other things and genuinely move on. Don't just act like you have.

 

As far as this limited contact thing working. It really doesn't. How many of those still end up breaking up? Most of them do I would say. This is all or nothing. Try it and see. You really have nothing to lose because you don't really have her in your life the way you want to now anyway, do you? I mean are you willing to just settle for being friends now. For her to just call you when this other guy isn't around? I doubt it. Unless you're a REAL doormat. It's up to you whether you want to be a man or a mouse.

 

But remember, most women prefer MEN. So go out and BE one!

[Roarz]

In my case, I know my ex is thinking about me. After I told her we can't be friends and for her to leave me alone for a while, which she finally did, she first puts up these song lyrics in her profile which I assume are directed at me. And then a week later she blocks me. Obviously she had to be thinking of me, and something she thought made her block me. Maybe she got pissed because I wasn't her "friend" or maybe it made her feel bad to see me online. I dont know, but I know that means she was thinking of me. She won't forget you, especially if it was a long relationship. In fact, she is most likely comparing the new guy to you every time she is with him. Don't worry, she won't forget.

[wendel1]

What you are going through is pretty similar to me... I did all the wrong things when we broke up...sent her flowers..wanted to be friends...but after a month I realised that I couldnt be friends with her..so i wrote her a letter just telling her that i was letting her go and saying goodbye. That was four months ago.Ive been in NC ever since...she rang at christmas and that was that. She was 21 btw, and that is a tough age to keep a realtionship going.

 

It felt better as I had the last 'say' on the relationship I guess....even though she was dating someone else at this point.

 

I think the only way you can try again with her is if you get out of her life for a while..and let her do what she wants to do.

[Pipman]

Thank you all, for your replies. I think the ball is somewhat in her court anyway. Just 2 weeks before Christmas, I gave her 2 daughters presents and hers also. She texted me back at 7.30 am on Christmas day to say thank you for her presents, and gave me 3 `xxx` in the text and wished me a happy Christmas. I was unable to give her another present as the mail company had screwed up with the order. I ve still got her other present for her. Fast foward 2 months later I arranged a meeting for her so I could hand over her present (this was through texting by the way) I asked her if she would like to go for a drink, and she said yes, and that she would come through to me, as it was more fun in my town. She lives 47 miles away. It was agreed on a Sunday, and said she would get back to me. The next day at work, just an hour before I finished work, I got a text saying she couldn`t make it as one of her girlie friends turned up unexpectedly. I know this is not true as her friend lives a few miles from her, and would definatley not turn up without notification first. So I ve still got her Christmas present for her.

 

The problem with your idea Touche is that if you write someone a letter, they may not reply to it. I know from past experiences with my ex when we split up she chose what she wanted reply to, and sometimes she would get back to me about 2 or 3 days later. She would always reply though, but what you said

 

"Tell her where you thought you went wrong. Apologize for whatever you feel you were wrong about."

 

Isnt that an admisssion that you where wrong in the first place? You`re apologising for what you have done wrong?

 

In respone to Wendel re quote

 

"I did all the wrong things when we broke up...sent her flowers..wanted to be friends...but after a month I realised that I couldnt be friends with her.."

 

Well its been 4 months now we have split up. I m on my 7th day day of no contact. I do feel sad, but no as sad or as bad as I was in my darkest days of November and December. At the moment I think I can handle just being friends. I would like to show her I m being very mature about our breakup and diplomatic. I havent begged or pleaded in anyway to get back with her although I did tell her how bad and hurt I felt (in emails), and had asked her once or twice when we would get back together. (on the telephone) So I don`t think I have totally pushed her away.

 

Sorry Touche back to your point. Im not sure about a letter though. I did something similar when I was 23 years old. I met a girl from college. Liked her, fell in love with her but she wanted nothing to do with me. Sent her a letter expressing the way I felt about her, and heard nothing back. (I don`t like silence, and I think its bloody ignorant of them or immature of them not to reply in a grown up way. We are adults for goodness sake!) My ex is different. She is still prepared to speak to me although mainly when I call or text. She still helped me out with me mortgage. I m not sure if she is confused as I am. (she never gives me closing questions, see first post) I know she still keeps all my emails I sent her. We met in March 2005, and had sent emails to each other every single day. Why keep them? Why send a letter too, so she can keep a `trophy` of another man she slept with?

[crazy_grl]

The problem with your idea Touche is that if you write someone a letter, they may not reply to it. I know from past experiences with my ex when we split up she chose what she wanted reply to, and sometimes she would get back to me about 2 or 3 days later.

 

Don't expect a response. You can do that by not pouring your heart into the message. It sounds like she knows how much you care about her and miss her and it hasn't changed her mind a bit. Don't say anything you've already said. If you've already told her your feelings, appologized for what you did wrong, etc, then all you need to tell her is that you don't want to be friends yet and why.

 

"Tell her where you thought you went wrong. Apologize for whatever you feel you were wrong about."

 

Isnt that an admisssion that you where wrong in the first place? You`re apologising for what you have done wrong?

 

I disagree with Touche that you should tell where you think you went wrong, at least not in detail. Not because it's an admission of being wrong. If you were genuinely wrong, you should admit to it and appologize if you haven't yet. If you tell her in the letter, keep it very brief, because wordiness tends to be annoying to someone who's moved on.

 

At the moment I think I can handle just being friends. I would like to show her I m being very mature about our breakup and diplomatic. I havent begged or pleaded in anyway to get back with her although I did tell her how bad and hurt I felt (in emails), and had asked her once or twice when we would get back together. (on the telephone) So I don`t think I have totally pushed her away.

 

Only you know what you can and can't handle, but I personally think that a person can't really be friends with their ex until both people have decided that they don't want to be in a relationship anymore. Since you're still wanting her back, I would be inclined to think you're not ready.

 

In case you were still considering it, do NOT send her anything for Valentine's day or send her any kind of message. She chose not to be your gf anymore, so she should no longer get those kinds of gf perks from you. If I understood a previous post, she's also already asked you not to send flowers or chocolates, which indicates that she's less than welcoming of your gifts.

[Touche]

Pip, I totally agree with crazy girl. That's about 90% of what I would have said as a response.

 

I didn't suggest writing the letter in order for you to get a response. In fact, if the letter is written right it will NOT encourage her to respond. The letter is basically telling her that you're granting her wish of space and that you CANNOT be friends with her.

 

It's your choice what to do. But that's your only chance, as I see it. If you stay friends with her, you will lose any chance of getting her back, if that's your aim.

 

Or simply do nothing and stay in NC. That might work too. But like I said, move on for now. Go out, stay busy.

[Pipman]

Wah! I m getting more confused. If I sent her a letter or an email I m breaking no contact right? The problem with sending a last email/letter. It doesn`t get any closure just more unanswered questions. Just like the girl I met at college. Its easy to say that if you dont hear back then you know its for sure.

 

Not being friends is hard. After all at the end of the relationship my ex did say that she `still wanted to be friends` and that`I was welcome to her house anytime` I was invited 2 weeks to her home before Christmas when I gave her, her Christmas presents. When I left and got home I texted her back to say `thanks for having me round` and she replied `anytime x`.

 

My feelings haven`t changed towards her and I can be mature about this and be friends.

 

"not to send flowers or chocolates, which indicates that she's less than welcoming of your gifts"

 

Her saying that sentence was in a text message before I phoned her, and had nothing to do with Valentines day.

[Touche]

No, Pip. You need to go back and read thought this thread. If you think being friends with her is the mature thing to do then by all means go ahead. You're the one who's going to get hurt. You'll be back on here saying it was a bad idea. If I were you, I would just stay in NC. Don't do anything now. Wait to see what she does. And stay in NC.

 

Of course she wants to be your "friend." That's just code for keeping you hanging on in the background for whenever she feels like seeing you but not making you important enough to be her boyfriend.

 

Go ahead then. Be her "friend." See where it gets you and let us know. Good luck!

[wendel1]

If just her friendship is all you are after and you have moved on completely, then I think a friendship is ok, but if you want her back and are not over her, then why put up with just being friends? I dont think maturity has anything to do with it.

 

You are lying to her and lying to yourself. Ive tried being friends with an ex, believe me it cannot be done if you still want her back. If you are going to write a letter, just say that you cannot be friends with her as you want more.

 

Of course she wants to be your "friend." That's just code for keeping you hanging on in the background for whenever she feels like seeing you but not making you important enough to be her boyfriend.

 

Thats exactly true!

[CaliGuy]

Thanks Touche for your reply, but the way I m thinking now is that if I don`t initiate any kind of contact with her she will think I don`t love her anymore, and I m frightened that if I do I will have lost her.

 

Not to be harsh, but you've already lost her. NC won't make any difference if she is happy with someone else.

 

The best thing you can do is stick to NC and use it for what it was intended for. To heal and move on.

 

Forget her. If she ever does come around, nothing will stop her from contacting you unless you are the one initiating the contact.

[riobikini]

Dear Pip,

 

Obviously, I don't know this girl you were involved with, nor do you give many details for the split, in the first place.

 

I'm sure the other posters gave you all they know, -but I'm also going to give you my take on your situation, as I see it.

 

This girl has, in my opinion, made a conscious commitment to herself to move on but I believe she has done it only after very careful thought and by putting forth great effort.

 

She told you, as plainly as any woman dares, that she has moved on mentally.

 

What she was also saying, but not so much with words, -was that she has moved on mentally -but not quite yet emotionally.

 

She's taken control of her mind, -but not quite sure about her emotions, even now.

 

She chose mind over emotion by making the conscious effort to do so, -probably, after looking at the relationship to determine whether it merited any further emotional investment, -and after seeing that it didn't, -she made the cut.

 

Going back up on that dating site after only four days was not a careless act but a decision she made to back herself into a corner to keep her promise to herself that the relationship between the two of you was truly over.

 

It served as the proof to herself that it was really, honestly, irrevocably, over, -something tangible she could look at and say to herself, 'Well, judging by that, I am truly back to square one, and the past is the past and now, and after doing this, I must move on.'

 

She did that to herself (for herself) to make herself not look back, -kind of like going past the point of no return.

 

It was a major decision for her.

 

The new boyfriend, -well, he's probably just like my transitional partner, -someone there to kill the loneliness.

 

She knew she'd need that, too.

 

Having someone else around to distract you from all the emotional detaching you know you are going to have to go through is probably not the best way to get through a break-up, but it does ease some of the pain.

 

She's using survival techniques that a lot of us often use when making a break 'stick', and live up to it's name.

 

She's still got a long road ahead of her, -and so do you.

 

She also probably knows that being friends with you isn't possible right now, and would just as soon not have you contacting her, if she's dead serious about the break.

 

Not to mention, that, whether you choose to believe it or not, -this girl's not really sure of which way her emotions might swing, and she knows that there's a big fat chance that, depending upon whether your problems were workable or not, that she might just cave in because of the loneliness and the hidden ache for you she's been bravely and secretly trying to squash.

 

Look, only you know what your relationship problems were that led to the break-up, and that means only you have the 'right' answer about anything, here.

 

She clearly has made an enormous effort to kill off her emotions and make a 'go' at moving on, headlong, and without looking back.

 

She's really pretty impressive, in my opinion, in the strength, insight, and overall maturity she has shown.

 

She's no doubt struggling with the hell of all this in similar ways as you are, but she doesn't want you to know about it.

 

She just wants to go on and try to find her smile again.

 

And, Pip, -unless you know something no one else knows, here, perhaps. you should, too.

 

Take care.

 

Yours,

-Rio

[salmagundi]

Hey pip,

 

seriously listen to all the advice you've been given here. take it from me, I've spent too months of negotiating the minefield what my ex's brain wants as opposed to what her heart wants. I didnt go NC, we kept hanging out, even having sex occasionally but it didnt change a damn thing about the breakup, just made it take a hell of a lot longer. If I could do it again I would have stuck with NC. Because if you try being her friend thinking that maybe that way you'll get back together, well...sorry but you're just going to end up her friend. THats great when you're ready for it. Some of my best and closest friends are ex's (though...most are not). But you're not ready for it. Read my oddyssey if you like and then you'll understand....you're only hope of getting her back or recovering your sanity if she wont come back (lets face it, the more likely scenario...she isnt with this guy because she rather be with you, after all...) is to tell her you cant be her friend, balls in her court, maybe one day when you're over it you'll call otherwise she can call you when and if she's got more to offer you. Then go NC

 

Its the only way, no question

 

salmagundi

[wendel1]

Ditto that!

[Pipman]

The more in depth story goes like this.

 

My girlfriend has split up from me for around 4 months now. She is 38, and I m 31. She has been diagnosed with depression, and anxiety. She has decided to end our relationship, saying that `she is no good for me`. She says that she does not share the same aspirations as me, and that she does not want to get married or have anymore children. (those were my aspirations, but in no way were they a `condition` attached when I first asked her out. It does mean that I would do anything to keep her)

 

She already had been married, and separated, and has 2 children. The other thing she mentioned was that we `don`t talk like normal couples do`. This is the same person that did not tell me she was crying almost every other day when I was seeing her, and did not tell me of her panic attacks, and then told me by email to end our relationship. She cant even speak to me face to face.

 

Although distance may be a factor, as she lived 47 miles away. However this is the same distance my mother lives, who I go and see every now and again. How do I get my girlfriend back? Is it the depression that has got her thinking all these negative thoughts? Does she need space, and time to get herself better? Personnally I don`t think she was unhappy in our relationship, but she did mention that suddenly she does`nt know me anymore, and that we never got to know me, and my past life , and I we never got that bit deeper with her. She has been signed of work for about 10 weeks due to stress at work, and she is dreading to go back. She just wants me as a friend. I can accept this.

 

I have asked her some questions what went wrong, and if we would ever get back? She just says she doesn`t want to think`, and cant give me any answers. If I can`t get the answers from her, I have no one to turn to, and I was put off when one of my friends told me that they don`t want to talk about it!! Please help? How does depresson affect love, relationships, and friend ship. I don`t want to lose her all over again, as a friend!!

 

Do I still stay in touch with her ,or let her have some space to think things over. I m worried that if I do, and as time goes by, I will truly lose her. Its hurting me, as I feel lost myself, and I ve been drinking, and smoking heavily. She is the type to not talk about things. There is a fine example when I told her how to enjoy food, and she thought I was telling her how to eat, and it did not occur to me this was a problem until about a month into our relationship. I met her on a dating site. I ve found out she has been back on the dating site. I also know that she thinks that I was immature. Why did she not tell me this! I m not immature, I tell some cheesy jokes and have a bubbly personnality. Whats going on? Still really confused.

[CaliGuy]

Pip, she's not in the right frame of mind to have a healthy relationship. At 31 you're still young and will find someone much better. When you do you'll wonder what you ever saw in this girl.

[crazy_grl]

This is the same person that did not tell me she was crying almost every other day when I was seeing her, and did not tell me of her panic attacks, and then told me by email to end our relationship. She cant even speak to me face to face.

 

Think about this. Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who's miserable and crying all the time but doesn't even give you the chance to work to make things better or help her through it? Instead of bringing up the problems, she just dumps you through an email, not even face to face. That's not very fair or considerate of her.

 

How do I get my girlfriend back?

She just wants me as a friend. I can accept this.

 

Can you really? Those statements seem contradictory to me. If you try being her friend just to get her back, she'll see right through it. As a girl who's had a guy do this, it's pretty transparent and gets pretty annoying. If you want to be her friend, you have to accept that that's all you are.

 

Is it the depression that has got her thinking all these negative thoughts? Does she need space, and time to get herself better? Personnally I don`t think she was unhappy in our relationship, but she did mention that suddenly she does`nt know me anymore, and that we never got to know me, and my past life, and I we never got that bit deeper with her. She has been signed of work for about 10 weeks due to stress at work, and she is dreading to go back.

 

I have asked her some questions what went wrong, and if we would ever get back? She just says she doesn`t want to think`, and cant give me any answers. If I can`t get the answers from her, I have no one to turn to, and I was put off when one of my friends told me that they don`t want to talk about it!! Please help? How does depresson affect love, relationships, and friend ship. I don`t want to lose her all over again, as a friend!!

 

It sounds like you're worrying too much about what she wants, how she feels, why she did what she did, how to help her, what she needs, etc. and you're forgetting about what you need. That or you think it's her you need, but you have to consider whether she really is good for you in her current state.

 

Sounds like she's got you confused and has your head spinning. You need to consider whether you need space from that.

 

Also, even though you want to be loyal and help her, that's not your duty because she broke up with you when she could have asked for your help.

 

Do I still stay in touch with her, or let her have some space to think things over. I m worried that if I do, and as time goes by, I will truly lose her.

 

If she really is worth having in your life, she'll understand if you take some time away from her to heal after she broke your heart. Just tell her, and if she doesn't want to be your friend 6 months from now or however long it takes you, then that's her loss.

 

I also know that she thinks that I was immature. Why did she not tell me this! I m not immature, I tell some cheesy jokes and have a bubbly personnality. Whats going on? Still really confused.

 

Have other people told you the same thing? Ask your friends and family for an honest assessment on that. Do they think you're immature? If the answer to both those questions is no, then you probably don't have a problem.

[Pipman]

Thanks Caliguy for your support. I m still in love with her. Its been 4 months since we split up, and although each day goes by I do feel myself not have as much heartache as.a few months ago. I m beginning to sleep better, and instead of having the TV on. Its now turned off, but I still go to sleep with my radio on.

 

What you said Caliguy about:

 

"NC won't make any difference if she is happy with someone else."

 

I beginning to sway to the reduced contact. The thing is when I used to phone her every now and again she would tell me everything what is happening with her family and friends, but when it comes to asking her about if someone else is in the picture she tells me that there is no one. (absolute zilch, zippo!) I m 100% definate there is someone else. She chooses not to tell me, is that because she doesn`t want to hurt me, or wants me back if her new relationship does not work out? Remember what she told me when I asked if there was someone else. `No`.

 

When will we get back together? She replied `I dunno`. Why can`t she just give me the closure I need. Maybe I would feel better if she told me to `F` off. Why give me some random answer that gives me the run around?

 

 

Thanks for your reply too cry_grl. I quote

 

"Think about this. Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who's miserable and crying all the time but doesn't even give you the chance to work to make things better or help her through it? Instead of bringing up the problems, she just dumps you through an email, not even face to face. That's not very fair or considerate of her"

 

I think I have to explain what actually went on here. During the 10 weeks she cried when she was signed off work. She never told me, as she hated the thought of having someone see her cry. She admitted herself that she hid it very well.

 

The email thing was due to the basis on how we met. We met on-line and continued to speak on-line. I think there was also a misunderstanding about using the telephone. I had a friend that would call me every day, and speak for long periods. Coupled with the fact that I work in a call centre and answer telephone calls 7.5 hours a day. I did say to a friend of hers, that I hate answering the telephone. (this was due to work, friend calling, and cold callers from companies) She took that to heart and thought that meant she could not call me also. (I wondered why she never called me) I never in my life got up to her and tell her not to call. So she thought I cut her emotionally off. Again her inability to communicate to me.

 

Thanks for letting me know that its not my duty to be loyal to her. I m beginning to feel a bit better as I m typing this, but I think I diverging from what I was saying in previous posts.

 

I spoke to my younger brother who has had 3 other bad break ups. He did advise me to stop emailing her as much (we emailed each other every day for 7 months, and she would email me 3 times in one day) and this has trickled down to current day....pretty much zilch. My last contact was around 7 days ago. I texted her a good night message, and she instantly replied `nite (my name), sweet dreams x` I thought awww. That is a nice way to start NC.

 

Anyway, what my younger brother thought was that if you want someone back. Doing reduced contact is the best way. Still keep in contact and be there for her when she is down, when she needs a shoulder to cry on.

There must be some people out there that has a good story to tell that reduced contact worked?

 

The reason why I m asking this now in response to what Caliguy said about NC won`t make a difference if she is with someone else". If this is the case, what about reducing the level of contact?

[CaliGuy]

The reason why I m asking this now in response to what Caliguy said about NC won`t make a difference if she is with someone else". If this is the case, what about reducing the level of contact?

 

Pip, do you have any self-respect? If you did, you would relialize that while she is seeing someone else she is certainly not going to be giving anything back to you.

 

She's not pining over you, worried about what you are doing or who you are with. She's enjoying life with someone else.

 

If you want to torture yourself, delay the healing process and never find someone else, please do keep in contact with her.

 

Please understand that self-respect means you won't settle for being second best to someone you're completely in love with. When a woman you love is seeing someone else yet wants to remain friends with you she's saying "You're not good enough for me, but I want to keep you around as my buddy, a shoulder to lean on while I'm giving all my love to someone else."

 

At some point in your life you have to say "I respect myself enough that I'm not going to be her schmuck!" Like I said, go get a baseball bat and beat yourself until you're bloody and bruised. That's exactly what you're doing to yourself. You're beating yourself up emotionally while she keeps you on a string. That's simply not fair to you. She shouldn't be able to have her cake and eat it to at the expense of your happiness. You're settling for crumbs of her attention.

 

Men with healthy self-respect and self-esteem don't cling on to an Ex that is currently dating someone else. That's just not healthy.

 

I would also like to add that I've been in the same position as you and my Ex is getting absolutely none of my time. Zero. Zip. Nada. Doesn't deserve it.

 

I hope you read this several times through then go read the thread on the dating forum about nice guys, real men and jerks. There's some good information there.

[wendel1]

She's not pining over you, worried about what you are doing or who you are with. She's enjoying life with someone else.

 

 

 

That is a great point...what better incentive to start NC...