Author CryingCanuck Posted May 7, 2006 Author Share Posted May 7, 2006 ooops I wrote marriage buster.... I meant divorce busters....... was that a freudient(sic) slip on my part sure hope not... Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted May 8, 2006 Share Posted May 8, 2006 Cool deal, Canuck. Have you had any response on your request for NC, or is she sticking with it this time? Curious minds want to know! Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryingCanuck Posted May 8, 2006 Author Share Posted May 8, 2006 No response, but whe's away for two weeks so I wasn't expecting one. And to be honest, I really doubt she will respond to my letter to her. That's always been one of her problems, act as if there is nothing wrong and it might go away. She's been gone for a week now, I do miss her but I have to do this and move on. I went to a friends last week we played golf and afterwards had dinner at his place, his wife had also invited a friend over to meet me. I'm not the least bit ready or in that frame of mind to want to meet anyone, I have too much to work on/over to get involved or go out with anyone as a simple date... and definitely not to get involved with on any kind of romantic level. Later I spoke to my friend and thanked him but asked him not to do that again. He understood and that's that. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted May 8, 2006 Share Posted May 8, 2006 I went to a friends last week we played golf and afterwards had dinner at his place, his wife had also invited a friend over to meet me. I'm not the least bit ready or in that frame of mind to want to meet anyone, I have too much to work on/over to get involved or go out with anyone as a simple date... and definitely not to get involved with on any kind of romantic level. Later I spoke to my friend and thanked him but asked him not to do that again. He understood and that's that. That must've been REALLY uncomfortable, but I must say...you handled it brilliantly. WTG! Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryingCanuck Posted May 12, 2006 Author Share Posted May 12, 2006 Actually it wasn't hard to do.... I have absolutely no interest in meeting anyone for that purpose, I have so much to work on regarding me. The NC was holding well but it's been much harder than I imagined. I did have to call her on her cell to ask a simple question about one of the kids and kept it at that.... Being patient and not getting too down about everything is so difficult at times, I have noticed that instead of feeling better with the NC, recently I've been thinking more about US than I have when we were at each others throats. Have to keep with the game plan though............ Last time we talked I gave her a slim chance to respond to the letter but nothing, so I didn;t press the issue. Will keep you informed.... Trying not to be too lonely and trying to keep myself occupied to keep my mind off the troubles here.... Eventually I hope I can walk away ( if that is the case) and believe I did my best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryingCanuck Posted May 17, 2006 Author Share Posted May 17, 2006 Hi all especially LJ, Well my W came back from her two week escape from reality and the s**t hits the fan with our youngest son. Since our seperation, we've (me) been having some problems with him cutting school and getting into some minor trouble with drugs ( Grass ) and getting a suspension. Previously, we had very minor problems with him in that he's always had an authority problem but since the seperation it's been somewhat worse but manageable. Well since our second son came back to live with me last month, the youngest has been much worse in respect to me and how he speaks to me and always threatening to move to "MOMS". Generally I ignore it but yesterday I hit the roof with him because I had mentioned to him previously that if he's going to threaten that with me thinking it would make a difference with whether or not I let him do something he better think again. Last night he asked to do something I said he can't because of school ( which hes doing poorly) well he says that's fine I'll go live with mom. I told him that that's fine, and told him to call his mother and tell her he's moving in with her. Make a long story short, he moved in with her today.... Now maybe she will get a reality check.. or maybe it will make it worse but lately with my not contacting her, I feel that I'm the only one trying to hold things together and I really need a break from him, her and the problems so I spoke to him tonight and told him that if he wants to come home he can but there will be major groundrules and if ANY are broken he can live somwhere else... He's almost 18 BTW. Anyway my W and I haven't spoken in 2 weeks until last night, and this.... Man-O-man can I use a holiday.... That's all for now Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 Man-O-man can I use a holiday.... That's all for now Sorry to hear things not working out. Just wanted to remind you to not forget monday IS a holiday! Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryingCanuck Posted May 17, 2006 Author Share Posted May 17, 2006 You're right about that one Dgiirl, Garden work, grass cutting, cleaning the house, washing the cars, etc..... Some holiday lol. Hey I can still laugh, guess I'm not dead yet eh? Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 You know, one of the things that make divorce difficult for a kid....and this is just my opinion, mind you...is that they are able to manipulate the parents so easily by threatening to move in with the noncustodial parent. The united front isn't just circumvented....it's gone. It makes it easier for a kid to avoid authority. And when a major part of the probem stems from authority issues to begin with....the parenting challenge is increased. One of my siblings managed to do this same thing for most of his childhood. Even today, years and years later....he still can't tolerate anybody telling him what to do. He's been through 3 wives, and I don't think he's kept a job with the same employer for more than 4-5 years EVER. Your boy is on the cusp of adulthood though. I can't imagine what you might have done differently. You had to call his bluff, because if you hadn't...it becomes the focus of ALL his frustration. The only method I can think of that might combat his avoidance of authority is to somehow put that "united front" back in place so that he's held accountable for all his actions. I can't imagine how you'll do that while in a state of NC with your wife. Perhaps you might try arbitration by a third party in the form of a counsellor. Rules could then be put in place that are sustained in BOTH households. If nothing else, you might approach the school guidance counselor. S/He may have some ideas to get you started. p.s. You REALLY ought to start planning that holiday! I can't think of a more deserving candidate. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted May 17, 2006 Share Posted May 17, 2006 You're right about that one Dgiirl, Garden work, grass cutting, cleaning the house, washing the cars, etc..... Some holiday lol. Hey I can still laugh, guess I'm not dead yet eh? Hey, you can do that stuff on Saturday. Hopefully Monday will be sunny, and you can make it a great 2-4 weekend Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryingCanuck Posted May 18, 2006 Author Share Posted May 18, 2006 Dgirl, with the amount of rain we're getting here in S. Ont. it's depressing, hopefully the sun does shine longer than an hour soon. LJ, you're absolutely right about manipulation, my W and I have always had very different methods of dicipline an dthe youngest has learned from years of experience that all he has to do is bug his mother over and over until such a time as she simply gives in since she always does. Support in our household over the past few years has simply been lip service and the kids are the ones that eventually are the losers. As far as my trying to fix my marriage goes, I've pretty much given up, can't hold it together regarding it anymore, and truly I've lost most of the will to try. Simply put why bother. Yesterday she mentioned that maybe it might be time to do something legally, and I jumped at it and told her that she write down what she wants from the house and our asets and I do the same and we get rid of the rest. She jumps in and says that she's not the one who wants anything legal, she said it out of frustration..... Then she comes up with this comment, blew me away, but I didn't react in the least." What I should have done is not left but stayed here and tried to fix it here, and if it didn't work to kick your butt out" Gee the two weeks out of twon she learned something that she would never have come up with on her own... BTW the friend she went to visit is in the process of divocing her husband as he left her... Anyway this weekend going to hopefully put in the garden, get some painting done and maybe try to relax in the hot tub.. if I ever get the energy to use ever again...... Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 Yesterday she mentioned that maybe it might be time to do something legally, and I jumped at it and told her that she write down what she wants from the house and our asets and I do the same and we get rid of the rest. She jumps in and says that she's not the one who wants anything legal, she said it out of frustration..... Then she comes up with this comment, blew me away, but I didn't react in the least." What I should have done is not left but stayed here and tried to fix it here, and if it didn't work to kick your butt out" There's nothing chisled in stone that says you have to wait for her to make up her mind. You can always make the first legal move, if that's what you truly want to do. It doesn't make you a bad guy to say when you've had enough. And it's okay too if you're not ready yet. There aren't any rules for how you should feel. The idea that she should have "kicked your butt out" ought to give you some pause though. I think if it were me...I'd see an attorney and make sure I wasn't going to lose my home at some point down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 Dgirl, with the amount of rain we're getting here in S. Ont. it's depressing, hopefully the sun does shine longer than an hour soon. Yah it's been the same here in la belle province. It's gotta stop some time right? She jumps in and says that she's not the one who wants anything legal, she said it out of frustration..... Then she comes up with this comment, blew me away, but I didn't react in the least." What I should have done is not left but stayed here and tried to fix it here, and if it didn't work to kick your butt out" Gee the two weeks out of twon she learned something that she would never have come up with on her own... BTW the friend she went to visit is in the process of divocing her husband as he left her... Sheesh, that's low. If she was the one who wanted the divorce, she should be the one to leave. When my ex told me he wanted a divorce, he offered to stay here for two weeks to help me learn to live alone. I told him if he wants to leave, then get out. He packed his stuff and left the next day. A few weeks later, he starts telling me how living at his parents is so horrible for him. He has no privacy and all that stuff. First of all, his parents live in the same city as us, my parents live over 3 hours away, so where the hell did he expect ME to go. Second, I never kicked him out. If he wanted to come back home, he could. He CHOOSE to leave, so I didnt want to hear any of his bs story on how rough things are for him. Completely selfish! She left? Let her deal with the consequences! Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryingCanuck Posted May 18, 2006 Author Share Posted May 18, 2006 You're totally correct about the situation regarding her leaving Dgirl, she wanted out, apparently hated being in our situation for some time I recently learned, so she bailled not me.... My oldest who just moved back home just recently told me that when she drove him back to Ottawa, she mentioned that she was thinking of leaving since she's so unhappy, ( remember her depression) As far as the house is concerned, not the least bit worried there, I pay EVERYTHING towards it she pays nothing I'll survive!!!!!!. The money she receives for her illness more than covers her living expenses, she has over a thousand $ after everything is paid, that's why she can take off for two weeks whenever she wants. I have next to nothing after everything is paid, since in addition to the living expenses I still pay all the bills and credit cards and lines of credit. And a massive mortgage for this monstosity on this damn golf course...... Anyway she wanted it 4 years ago and ( that's water under th bridge). I will have to hang onto it for at least another 2 years before it sells, living just south of Detroit, the auto industry is in the dumps here and the price of this place as much as it keeps increasing, houses in our neighbohood take on average a year to sell due to their high value and I ain't gonna give it away. Dgilr, I was born and raised in our Nations Capital, et oui Je parle la langue..... Bonne fin de semaine.... LOL:) Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 Dgilr, I was born and raised in our Nations Capital, et oui Je parle la langue..... Bonne fin de semaine.... LOL:) lol Merci Canuck, et pareillement. I, myself, was born and raised near Toronto, but moved here about 9 years ago. I still speak little french Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryingCanuck Posted May 18, 2006 Author Share Posted May 18, 2006 How do you get along .. lol I remember how hard it was to ask for anything the looks I would get if I spoke the hinglish. Here in the Banana belt of CA very little spoken, I actually enjoy it when I can use it now. Link to post Share on other sites
TMonkey Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 Hey Canuck. I wrote you a response in another thread, then just read your story. I would offer you the same advice as I did beffore. Be cheerful, be strong, even flirt if you get the chance, but DO NOT be a source of guilt, friction, anger or blame. That's what she's running from. Make her rediscover the cool guy she fell for in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 How do you get along .. lol I remember how hard it was to ask for anything the looks I would get if I spoke the hinglish. Here in the Banana belt of CA very little spoken, I actually enjoy it when I can use it now. lol that look is the same look i get when i try to speak french I've picked up a few phrases here and there which is now hard to turn off, but other than that, most ppl are bilingual. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryingCanuck Posted May 18, 2006 Author Share Posted May 18, 2006 you have live in the city with the old Forum then lol used to take the 1/12/ hour trip there to see the expos or hockey.. acckkkkk sports LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryingCanuck Posted May 19, 2006 Author Share Posted May 19, 2006 After a day of light bantering with Dgirl , back to reality, the more I think about my situation the more I feel I have to pull the plug and walk away with my head up. I tried, Lord knows I did the best I could to change some of what bothered my STBEW but her anger is so out of control and her depression so tightly entrenched that nothing I do could change things. I'm never going to ask for a divorce, but I'm in the process of getting the paperwork prepared for a formal separation agreement. Not sure exactly what I want, going through the house now writing down what I feel is “mine” and what is “hers” and the rest it can be burned for all I really care at this point. Last night, I thought and thought and… and came to the realization that life is too important to waste on someone who doesn’t really want to live it but exist. NO MORE……………………………….. Not going to run out and go nuts, I’ve still got a long way to go working on myself, living with a depressive for 23 years does leave scars and does have a depressive effect on the other person so I have to rid myself of that first, and finally move on with no regrets and no thoughts of ever coming back….. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 I'm never going to ask for a divorce, but I'm in the process of getting the paperwork prepared for a formal separation agreement. Not sure exactly what I want, going through the house now writing down what I feel is “mine” and what is “hers” and the rest it can be burned for all I really care at this point. Last night, I thought and thought and… and came to the realization that life is too important to waste on someone who doesn’t really want to live it but exist. NO MORE……………………………….. Never say "never". Take your time, and do what you need to do. But 'IF' at some point you want to close the door on this chapter of your life....don't feel bad about doing it. There's no reason you should ever beat yourself up about it. You've put ALOT of work and soul-searching into solving the problems. The reason you did all that is because you want the comfort of knowing you've done all you could. At the end of the day, you are only one half of the equation. You can't be responsible indefinitely for somebody else not getting their head on straight. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryingCanuck Posted May 25, 2006 Author Share Posted May 25, 2006 Welll you might be right LJ. A couple of days ago, I spoke to me STBXW and she talked about maybe coming around the house a bit more and being together a bit, then today she drops a BOMB................................... She has decided that she's mooving to a city 150 miles from here to live with the girlfriend who she visits on a monthly basis.... She's not sure if she's moving with our son who just moved in with her or by herself, she gave me the impression that she would prefer being without him. Thought I was ready for this but I'm heartbroken and so sad right now..... Anyway guess I still ahve alot of growing to do, but today forced me to make some serious decisions, 1) a separation agreement is being drafted 2) the house is being listed tomorrow, 3) have get my act together as to where,what, how I'm doing....... I really never thought that this would happen but in honesty I shouldn't have been surprised, the writing I guess was on the wall but I refused to read it. My son who is staying with me has lost so much respect for my W since he moved back, he sympathises for her illness but hates to see what she is doing to me, told me today he never realized while he was away how much anger and ill feelings she has towards me and our marriage... Now I have damage control to keep him from hating her too..... Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted May 25, 2006 Share Posted May 25, 2006 150 miles isn't all that far away. Not really. And unless her "girlfriend" is actually a lesbian love interest, chances are they'll end up getting on each other's nerves after awhile. There comes a point in life where the whole "roommate" thing doesn't work out. People get set in their ways. Your wife is hard-headed, that's for sure. I wish I could tell you why people flake out and act the way they do... but your guess is as good as mine. She may pull her head out of her hindquarters and want to come back someday, or she might not. Who knows? But the thing for YOU to focus on is that whatever she decides to do.... it's not something that you have control over, hence...NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY anymore. Accepting that her issues aren't about YOU is kind of liberating in it's own way. It frees up alot of the energy wasted on anxiety to put into something more positive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CryingCanuck Posted May 25, 2006 Author Share Posted May 25, 2006 Hi LJ Yes it's definitely something that I have no control over and to be honest with you it's something that might be for the best. After a day of thinking about it my controll was lost (if I ever was in control) a very long time ago. It's been nearly 5 months since she left and I was expecting a lot different than this but things seemed to go from bad to worse without my assistance whatsoever and I accept that. Her leaving will be good in some ways, out of sight out of mind will do me in particular a lot of good. Give me freedom and I'll be able to finally heal totally wihtout wondering "What if?" Time heals all wounds and I know I'm a lot better about this than I was three-four months ago and as much as I was angry and told her such I do accept her decision and another chapter in my mind is about to begin. Just hope I can forget and fogive and move on without to much damage to myself down the road. Ohh and NO she's definitely lesbian.... Neither of them are... and My other son is apparently moving in with them until the start of school next September then he parently want sto move back home with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted May 26, 2006 Share Posted May 26, 2006 Just hope I can forget and fogive and move on without to much damage to myself down the road. Forgiveness isn't really about the transgressor so much as it is about YOU. It's a gift you give to yourself. Anger and Resentment will sap your positive energy in order to continue their own survival. They are your enemies, because afterall... acrimony makes YOU feel worse than it does the other guy. Ususally, the transgressor could give a crap less. More often than not, they're completely unaware that we hate them. What helped me...was to imagine the transgression as a debt. Somebody hurts you, they OWE you for your pain and suffering, right? But what coin is good enough to pay you back for what you've been put through? There just isn't any. There's NOTHING my spouse can do that makes the pain he caused okay. He doesn't have the ability to pay me back. There's no coin good enough. So, I can walk around with my hand outstretched, awaiting payment that will NEVER come. Or...I can write the debt off, like money loaned to a family member and never repaid. Anyway, life just isn't fair sometimes. Some days you're the windshield and some days you're the bug, right? It's a difficult thing to accept, but it's the reality that we live with. Evading it only serves to increase the pain of the injustice. I think you're going to do just fine, btw. You've made lemonade out of lemons at every turn. You've never "evaded" the hard work, and if you have...you haven't posted it here. This is just another thing on the "to do" list. I think it'll help you to concentrate more on your boys just now and less on your wife. And if you'll monitor yourself pretty closely for depression, I think you'll do alright. After some time has passed, you might even find yourself a little happier than you were in the marriage. That's not uncommon. Link to post Share on other sites
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