Is it finally over?

[CryingCanuck]

Actually today a very close friend of mine and my W's well used to be... Anyway...

 

HE and his W have known us as a couple since we were first married and we're the best of friends, he and I and his W that is.

 

When my W did this 13 years ago, they both told her the truth that she's not being at all fair that the things that I apparently did at the beginning of our marriage I've made up for in spades and that they weren't all that bad, just immaturity on my part. and that I cleaned up my act and I've treated her with respect and love ever since. ( we used to get together 3-4 times a week and vacationed together, so they if anyone would know us pretty well.)

 

Anyway he's so supportive but today he told me that she's the loser, BIG loser, she's truly lost a really good guy and that with warts and all I've absolutely nothing to make up for.

 

Yes I've said some mean things at times and yes I'm not the easiest person in the world to live with but all in all I've always thought of my W before myself.

 

Today he tells me that he always thought my W was just in it because it was easier to hang around let me take care of everything and lead her life for her bacause she was just too lazy to do otherwise.

 

He did ask me one thing, Do I want to go through this again in another 10-13 years if by some miracle we were to get back together?

 

NO NO NO NO WAY

 

We were supposed to get together tonight for a couple of drinks and to discuss the separation agreement, she calls and backs out..... would rather stay at her apt. and watch TV.

 

Well I'm nitpicking I guess, but resolution is apparently coming and as much as it's not what I wanted I'll accept it and move on.

[CryingCanuck]

Yesterday my XW and I signed our formal separation agreement. A very sad and stressful day for both of us. She is moving away about 150 miles miles and my youngest is going with her. Guess a total family breakup is in the cards now. Right now I'm very sad and that's it that's all.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling sad, Canuck.

I think it's fairly normal to feel that way. I've noticed in quite a few threads here at LS, that people tend to start healing once the conflict ends. During the time when they're mired in the chaos though, healing often seems to be just out of reach.

 

Initially, it's a difficult and emotional time, because in beginning the legal-work you're kind of bringing a sense of finality to the situation. It's natural that you'd feel emotional about that. You're dealing with grief.

 

But hard as it was... you did what you needed to do. And I think if you keep the lines of communications open with your youngest... he'll be okay. This is a confusing time for the kids. They may be BIG KIDS, but they're not all grown up yet. They need time to readjust.

[CryingCanuck]

I'll try to keep you guys up on what's been happening. My W claims that she wants to come back once or twice a month depending on her finances to vist me an dour other son. She sure said a weird thing yesterday though. After we signed the agreement in from of a commisioner of Oaths and we're on teh way home both crying, she said that the only reason she signed it was because she knew I needed some reasurance that she wouldn;t try to take me for everything I have ( but more so , was that she knows i we were to reconsile that the agreement goes out the window) Anyway everything she has said she would do regarding us has not been done, she never really tried to fix what was wrong, she just lashe dout and hurt me and herself, so I don;t think that she's serious about visitng as often as she says nor do I think she singed the agreement only because we could easily and simply destry it IF we were to reconsile.. It's over, maybe not in my mind, but I'm quite sure in hers. I thought I'd let go but in hindsight, that was simply anger, now the acceptance and making peace with myself must begin, but during that time, tears will flow I think.

 

Thanks so much for all the support you guys have given me and I'll still be around, and give you guys updates on what is happening to this saga.

[Due South]

CC

 

Have just read your thread in its entirety and I just want to say that I think you are a tower of strength and an inspiration. Your boys have got a wonderful wonderful role model as a father.

 

Keep it up - you can be absolutely safe in the knowledge that you have done all that is humanly possible. I wish you all the best, update us soon and let us know how you are.

 

Thinking of you...

 

 

Kia kaha

[CryingCanuck]

As far as being a tower of strenght goes, I seriously doubt that one, more like mush, I'm not crying anymore, that's good I guess! I still go to bed thinking aobut the crap I'm going through and I wake up tired and still thinking about it and most of my day it just doesn't want to leave unless I'm occupying my mind with something else. So trying to keep busy and trying to not think about it is my work these days.

 

LJ, Depression is there! no doubt, not the type that I would want to find the closest bridge, just a down feeling but that's to be expected.

 

This weekend was another write-off as far as trying to be nice to each other, it seems like heels have been dug in and neither is willing to move... a battle of wills so to speak. The kids are getting real tired of all this and who can blame them.

 

My youngest came home yesterday for the first time since our blow up and it was nice and I told him that I love him and that he has a home here if he decides he doesn't want to stay with his Mom in another town he is welcome here.........but that the rules regarding his attitude and his behaviour stands and that they will be enforced. Believe me they aren't that strict...

 

My W has told me that she's encouraging him to stay with me, gee I wonder why? could it be that being totally free to do whatever she wants comes to her mind??? Well I've ranted enough for one day...

 

Dgirl and LJ also, thanks so much for coming to my defence on that other thread....

 

Hope you are all well and in a good place....

[tiff2006]

It's nice to meet you, my name is Tiffanie, and I am recently going through a divorce after 13yrs of marriage.. My husband has been holding on, and won't let go. I am trying to be firm, but he keeps using the children, and taking everything else away from me too, just to make me feel like I wouldn't be able to make it on my own without material things, without my boys, without money, ect... He even went as far as disconnecting our internet, and taking my laptop, so that I would have no outside help! Then he tried to scare me by pinning me on our bed, and then called the police on me to do a wellfare check on me... He's also in law enforcement... I told them all of what has been going on around here, and they told me to have an order of protection served on him, which I did! They kicked him out, and I had the house to myself since!

We are not speeking right now, I do hope changes!! I do care about him, even after all the crap that he's been putting me through, but I do know with me that my marriage IS over... I just hoped that we could keep our friendship in tact.. I guess this just isn't gonna happen since he's being stupid..

[Ladyjane14]

LJ, Depression is there! no doubt, not the type that I would want to find the closest bridge, just a down feeling but that's to be expected.

 

Talk to your doctor if the depression persists. Alot of folks suffer from situational depression, and as long as you don't let it get the upper hand... it'll usually respond to treatment and resolve fairly quickly.

 

My youngest came home yesterday for the first time since our blow up and it was nice and I told him that I love him and that he has a home here if he decides he doesn't want to stay with his Mom in another town he is welcome here.........but that the rules regarding his attitude and his behaviour stands and that they will be enforced. Believe me they aren't that strict...

 

I really do believe your boy will turn it around. The teen years are miserable even under the best of circumstances. He's got the usual teenage angst, and now... all this other stuff to deal with.

 

As long as you hang in there, and keep extending the olive branch... he's going to eventually respond. I've seen alot of Dad's that withdraw from the kid's conflict during divorce, though.

And THAT's when it gets bad and the father loses them emotionally. But as long as you don't quit on them, they won't quit on you.

 

If you're persistant in keeping the relationship alive, the kid will eventually come back. You're his Dad afterall. He loves you.

[CryingCanuck]

I'm OK as far as depression goes, not really that depressed, more sad from the situation than anything. My Dr. had prescribed AD's in early spring and I do take them but I'm ready to start weaning myself off them because I think the worst is over.

 

Remember when I spoke to you about anger Mng.t ? Well that has now ceased also, the coucelor(sp) that was helping me said that really I haven't got a big problem, frustration crept in due in large part to the fact that I did my best to keep my cool with my family, spoke and spoke and spoke then pleaded, eventually the tension was so thick that I had to try other means, it's unfortunate that I had to do what I did at times, but in the end, it was for the best, the oldest returned home from our hometown with a new outlook on things, "the old man wasn't being a pr**k he was trying to get me to grow up) Those are his words exactly.... He's now going back to college this fall and will more than likely be following his dad in Law Enforcement, the youngest you know about, maybe he too will eventually see that Dad isn't being mean in not allowing drugs or misbehaviour in the house. I pray he eventually see's what I was trying to do.

They are both great kids, and if I have anything to thank my W for is that......

 

Will keep you up on any changes

[Gunny376]

Go to WalMart and look in the Vitamins and Herbal section ~ get yourself some 5 mg Melatoniin ~ it will most definately help you get a good night's sleep. Its over the counter ~ non-addictive. The bottle says to take one tablet ~ I take two to three because of my height ~ weight. (6'1" ~ 200 lbs)

 

It won't knock you out ~ but it will make you drouzy ~ and it will most definately help you re-establish your sleep patterns ~ you get that sorted out ~ and it will help clear your head. And, you'll walk up as though you got a good night's sleep.

 

http://www.melatonin.com/melatonin-faq.php#WHEN

 

Airline pilots that fly coast to coast and who have to turn around ~ use it so they can get their rest. Good stuff.

[CryingCanuck]

Well the past two weeks have been extremely stressful to say the least. My W has been coming to the house almost everyday to help with getting it ready for sale.

 

Last night the real estate agent came over, we were both there and we're almost ready to list it.

 

In the afternoon before she came over my oldest son took off for a while and my W and I were alone and one thing led to another and we made love, why? well it's been a while so that is one good reason I guess, better than anything else, weeks before, we had talked about it but she was worried about me thinking that we would get back together, and I told her that I'm still open to it someday but not until she fixes herself totally and she has really let go of all the venum she has.

 

Well after our session, the crying was on her part, she seemed to have serious doubts about her moving to another city and everything she's done.

I told my W that I didn't think it was a good idea but that if it's something she feels she has to do she has to.

 

After we met with the agent, I was feeling very sad, and I finally realized that most of my letting go was anger driven, and I still feel a lot for my W but was trying to hide it by being angry with her, yet when she needs anything I'm there and THAT'S WRONG......

 

Today I woke up feeling a bit better and not so despondent but still somewhat sad..... I guess this is the way it's going to go.

 

At least I haven't pressured her to do anything in a long time so that is good. I'm changing and maybe in some ways letting go but I really still do love my W and still hope and that's not right I don;t think.

 

Is leaving the door open really all that bad? I understand that I've leaving myself open for more hurt, but I just can;t seem to let it drop and totally move on yet.

 

Any ideas guys?

[Ladyjane14]

Is leaving the door open really all that bad? I understand that I've leaving myself open for more hurt, but I just can;t seem to let it drop and totally move on yet.

 

Of course it's not bad. It's what you're feeling, so it's honest.

 

I think it's perfectly okay to "Plan A" for as long as your partner is 'on the fence'. You can go ahead and fulfill ENs, because she hasn't truly made a choice yet.

 

It's when your partner becomes complacent, and dedicated to the status quo that you need to change your plan. There comes a point at which indecision becomes a de facto decision. That's when she's 'off the fence'. She'll have gotten in the habit of having her ENs met, but not reciprocating in kind.

 

It sounds like she's still in the process of sorting things out emotionally and hasn't made a clear choice yet, so yeah... if you've got some Plan A left in you, why not?

[dgiirl]

I think whatever helps you get through this phase, then do it. I allowed myself to hope. I probably hoped for way too long. But i needed to hope because if I didnt, life without hope didnt look very good and I was in such a state that without hope I fear what would have happened. But at the same time, I went through cycles of hope, and then acceptance, then hope, then acceptance. As long as you see SOME improvements and you can monitor yourself and dont do anything you'd regret if the outcome doesnt go the way you want, then i think it's ok, in small doses. When I started worrying about how my relationship with my exh would be, knowing that we have no kids, and I'm moving to another city, i often got caught up in sadness over knowing that I would probably never ever speak to him again. What I try to remind myself is, I really dont know what tomorrow will bring. I may never talk to him again, but maybe I would become good friends with him in 5 years from now, or maybe we'll even get back together. There's absolutely no way I can predict the future, and I'm not ready to make any final decisions on the course to take (ie telling him to FOff and never speak to me again, which i really really would love to do just because i'm so angry and i think it would feel nice, but dont really mean lol). So I simply told myself I dont need to make any decisions right now and I can let life play out the way it wants. She has a choice in this as well. If she really wants a friendship or a relationship, she'll make efforts to maintain it. Right now, dont worry about making any decisions. Just relax and take it day by day.

[CryingCanuck]

Guess who went out on somewhat of a blind date?

Yeah Moi , and I had a pretty good time, but I set the ground rules for me with her very fast. We talked about her situation and my situation and basically told her I'm only interested in meeting with someone who can be friends and not in the least looking for a mate or playmate. She accepted that and said that she is happy to go out to dinners or a movie anytime I want, and doesn't expect anything else. So..... good for me, I'm getting out a bit more, not so scared about getting involved in something and well it was good for my self-esteme.

[CryingCanuck]

Well let's go back a few weeks ago to start, I mentioned that I went out with someone ( as firends) for the first time since my separation, I went out again last night and I've decided that I'm no tanywhere near ready to not only begin a relationship but to be honest I'm not ready to hang with someone of the opposite sex, it's jsut not right !!! I felt uncomfortable, had nothing to do with the lady it was all me and on the way home I decided that this little experiment in my moving on isn;t what I need nor is it really what I think I want. The lady I was with was very pleasant and not the least bit pushy and the evening ended ok, I shook her hand and left. By the time I got home, I had an e-mail from her saying that she really enjoyed the evening but that she could tell from my eyes, that I am not anywhere near ready to move on to that level, and that I was fooling myself if I thought I was. Hmm same thoughts I had on the drive home. So that's it, not more exploring for at least another 6 months, work on myself and what I did or what I could have done to save this marriage.

 

 

Now this week has been one thing after another. First off, My W informs me tht yes she is still moving to another city, but that insted of up and going with everything, she will leave the majority of her furniture from her apartment at the house all bu ther bed and her clothes and that the move to the other city ios now just a temp thing and that she intends on moving back after a few months AFTER she gets her head straitened out. She didn't even ask, simply told me, I told her that sure I don't care..... And I don't really.

 

She came over on Tuesday to work in the garden and tells me that she has realized that our youngest son is much better off living at home and that she has messed up him and our marriage enough and aske dme if it's OK if he moves back this week. I said yes but had to have a very long conversation with him regarding his drug abuse and behaviour.

 

This past week has been so stressful I didn;t know if I could handle anymore and took yesterday off needing a break from the office. Get a call from my W telling me that while she is away, she promises that she will as much as we're officially separated, will remain faithful. I told her that whatever she does is on her shoulders not mine and simply that I have no intention of being with another woman for those purposes and won't. The nshe procedes to ask me if we can go out together on Friday night. Of course the weenie that I am, said yes, but hell I really like being with her so it's not as if I'm giving in.

 

Anyway things are still the same apart form I have son #2 back, and my W is still moving away but also not plans on coming home every second weekend...

[Ladyjane14]

I'm proud of you Canuck.

 

If it had been me, I'd have probably charged her a storage fee on her belongings!!! And THAT would've been wrong. ( I'm hanging my head in shame :p)

 

Like I said before, it okay to Plan A right now. You're not losing a thing as long as she's still on the fence, and as long as you're still comfortable with it.

[Gunny376]

Outstanding mate! Steady as she goes!

 

As of the present ~ from your last post ~ you're not out of troubled waters, but there's no telling what is just over the horizon. It maybe smooth sailing and a tropical paradise that awaits you ~ maybe a gail a-blowing. For now, keep a steady hand at the rudder, your eye upon the compass, and on a steady course.

 

To me she's truly sounding more like someone that just needs a break and sometime away, and less and less like a walk-away-wife. Fror you, her and all of your family ~ I hope and pray for the best for you.

 

Dr, John Gray (Men are From Mars ~ and Women Are From Vensus) says that men are like rubberbands~ in that they go away ~ and then come back. You know couples are like that as well.

 

Her wanting to see you on Friday, and you're wanting to see her because "you enjoy her company" is most definately a sign that this marriage might make out of ICU. Why do I say that, because it sounds as though the two of you might have what it really takes tol go the long haul ~ true friendship.

 

I'm down here "rootin" for you Bro. First good news I've heard on here in a while.

[Gunny376]

Of course the weenie that I am, said yes, but hell I really like being with her so it's not as if I'm giving in.

 

The way that this normally works:

 

Wife trys to communicate that she ain't happy.

Husband can't or won't receive message.

Wife gets un-happier

It festers and grows

 

Out of the blue ~ wife bails.

 

Husband in shock! Sidewinds him ~ out of no where!

 

E-ticket ride from Hell starts.

 

Feeds upon itself, obtains life of its own. Grows bigger and bigger like some cheap "B" movie horror film.

 

Wife convinced husband can't or won't change.

 

Enter divorce lawyers ~ stage left.

 

Hate to be the one to break the news to you ~ but you and her ain't following the script! Good for you! Outstanding, simply freaking outstanding. Don't break out the party hats yet ~ there is still much work to be done ~ as in everyday for the rest of your life. Still many, many miles to go.

 

You spoke about, finding out what YOU did wrong. And, yes you need to do that, and this is the time to do it. We all need to do it, from time to time ~ wheather we're married or not. In a relationship or not.

 

One of the things, that I have done, (might sound silly to others ~ but being a retired Marine ~ made sense to me) was to write my own personal Code. I printed it off, had it shrunk on the computer, and had it lamenated and carry it with me, everywhere I go. Keep it simple, short and sweet. Part of mine:

 

"I will not be laid a hand upon in anger!"

"I will not be lied to deliberabtely nor by ommission!"

"I will not be cheated"

"I will not dis-respected"

 

"I do not do these things to others ~ I will not have them done to me!"

 

"I will seek only the admiration, love, and respect of my closest of friends and family!"

"I will love my children and spouse un-conditionally to absolute best of my ability"

"I will strive to always just do the right thing ~ no matter what!"

"I will 'do unto others ~ as I would have them do unto me!"

"I will stand up and be counted, and I will stand up for righteness!"

"I will be a part of someting larger than myself!"

"I will defend my honor, and my integrity ~ and will never have it questioned"

"I will not convent my neighbor and what is his!"

"I will keep my Honor clean, and above question!"

 

There are others, but you get the general idea.

 

Another is a mission statement ~ I won't post mine here ~ its very personal ~ but its the reason I'm living my life, and why I'm here now on the planet. Put it in this frame of context. If you were the only person on this planet ~ answer this question, "Why the f**k am I'm here?" Then take it to the next level, your loved ones, and then try and define who, why, what is most important to you!

 

All of this may sound silly to you, but it keeps me grounded, its a compass. I will do anything that my boss asks of me, as long as its morally, ethically, legally correct and proper ~ and does not violate my personal code.

 

Right is right, and wrong is wrong ~ and we all know what it is. We don't need to go to church to find it ~ nor get into philsophy, nor go to psycholigist, nor couselors, nor therapist, (not to dismiss them ~ there are those that need these professionals) but the general population just needs to "do the right thing" and most of us Know what that is!

 

I'll shut up! LadyJane is good solid advice. When I read her posts, its like my first combat tour, and a vet told me, "You need this, this, you don't need this, but you've got to have this, and its your azz without this ~ listen to me kid, and stay close, and I'll send you home in someting besides a bodybag!"

[CryingCanuck]

Gunny, I have to shut the **** up and quit asking questions. All the time I do that and it backfires, sometimes she tells me things that are obviously what she thinks I want to hear and other times she's non responsive. I doahve to get a grip and stop the constant questioning. Anyway you seem to have a bit more hope than I certainly do. YEs I like being with my X we have fun when we're alone and no kids to cause the stress we've been under.

Well I'll keep trying to be a nice guy and let it go at that. I did tell her that I would really likeit if maybe IF she moves back to our city that she and I can be good friends and rediscover things we've let die but I really have my dounts. Maybe it's a simple matter of her not letting go totally and is just trying to do that.

[Gunny376]

Gunny, I have to shut the **** up and quit asking questions. All the time I do that and it backfires, sometimes she tells me things that are obviously what she thinks I want to hear and other times she's non responsive. I doahve to get a grip and stop the constant questioning. Anyway you seem to have a bit more hope than I certainly do. YEs I like being with my X we have fun when we're alone and no kids to cause the stress we've been under.

Well I'll keep trying to be a nice guy and let it go at that. I did tell her that I would really likeit if maybe IF she moves back to our city that she and I can be good friends and rediscover things we've let die but I really have my dounts. Maybe it's a simple matter of her not letting go totally and is just trying to do that.

 

An important part of seduction is sales ~ the product your selling of course is yourself. Sales generally goes like this:

 

Meet and greet

 

Feature and benefit

 

Overcoming objections

 

Closing the deal

 

Of which in closing is in knowing when to shut the **** up! You can "squirel" the deal by continuing to talk. So you've got to know when to shut up.

 

You can never be a woman's best friend, that's not your role in her life, nor should it be, nor does she want it to be. The "best friend" role belongs to another woman. You can no more be her best friend, than you can be her mother or daughter. Simply because you're not a woman. Your a man ~ and she wants and needs you to be her man, her rock, You can be a damn good friend ~ but you can never be nor become her best friend.

 

When I'm interested in a woman, and seducing her (seduction = "selling" myself to her) I make it very clear that I'm interested in being her lover ~ not just a "friend"

 

You need to "X" out the friend label, and I would even say the "husband" label ~ and get back to being "lovers" I think the biggest thing the two of you need to do is get back to the fundamentals of being lovers (and I'm not just talking about sexual intimacy). I'm talking about getting back to the laughing, giggiling, teasing, play wrestling, tickling, ~ having fun with one another and each other's company.

 

I think that the two of you got so caught up in the day to day ~ that you lost each other along the way. Take this time of separation to get things sorted out, straightened out ~ and get back to the fundamentals of being lovers and being in love. Fall in love with your wife ~ all over again. Get this program ~ $100 isn't spit to save a 23 year marriage.

http://www.lightyourfire.com/manquiz.cfm

 

I see more in your asset column than I do your liability column. This marriage isn't ready for bankruptcy yet, its still alive and kicking. It might be in ICU, but its far from the morgue.

[Gunny376]

Gunny, I have to shut the **** up and quit asking questions. All the time I do that and it backfires, sometimes she tells me things that are obviously what she thinks I want to hear and other times she's non responsive. I doahve to get a grip and stop the constant questioning.

 

Insanity is repeatedly doing the same thing over and over again, all the while expecting different results!

 

Quit doing what doesn't work ~ and do what works!

 

If the tools you've been using don't work ~ get some new tools, get the tools that do work.

[CryingCanuck]

still looks for landmines holding his fingers in his ears closing his eyes and toeing is way through them.

 

That's also what we here in Canada call a ( whatever nationality) minesweeper and that's me these days... Dumb Dumber and DUMBEST

[CryingCanuck]

This past weekend was pretty darned good. My W and I went out on Sat. Evening and had a very nice time then the next day we ended up going shopping together the whole day, then in the afternoon she lets in on me about her angers and feeling, ( Gunny) I stayed quiet and let her say what she apparently needed to say. I actually was pretty hurt by it all and dropped her off at her apartment and left... She drops over to the house later in the evening unanounced and tells me she is sorry about the way things ended today. I told her it's alright, I have to take a lot of the blame and that I'm OK but I had to leave I just couldn't stay around.

 

Yesterday she shows up at the house, my bed has been changed and she started a laundry for me and my youngest moved back..... Well it was too good to be true....

 

The youngest and I had a long talk about things, especailly his drug use and his attitude, and I thought things were settled and it was just a matter of settling in. I went to bed fairly early I get up at 5:30 for work.. the phone wakes me up at 11:30 I try to go back to sleep and can;t then I hear from outside a bunch of voices in the back, I go to the window and find my son and 5 other teens in the hot tub smoking joints.... Neadless to say I'm pissed... tired, and not very patient and I read hin the riot act....

He tells me he can't live here.. he has to go... I tell him that I'm calling his mom, it's 2:00 by this time, I drive him to his mothers for the night..... I tell her that I tried to call her for hours but she was over at that 26 year old guys apt.

 

Anyway, my youngest and I have spoken about her little frienship and he says he doesn't even want to think about what his mother is doing... She swears that there is absolutely nothing going on, that he is simply a friend, "someone to talk to"

 

I believed her until recently but now I told her I had serious doubts.... Anyway even is she is just friends with this young man, the perseptions of others, especially our kids makes it appear so much worse than maybe it is and it is causing all kinds of damage.

 

She calls me a little later, we talk, she says that she will not be going over to the young mans apartment anymore nor having him over to hers. I told her it was too late, our youngest thinks things not appropriate and so do I and regardless of what she does now, her decision to befriend someone 20 plus years younger than her is not appropriate and that our son is the loser, especially since she had him for 6 weeks and he was left to run wild and do whatever he wanted to do in the first place.

 

What a night.... We're supposed to have a family meeting today to discuss things, not sure if having the youngest here at this time is the right thing to do, I have no patience for him and his attitute, and right now that is what he needs more thn anything. He's going to be 18 next week but in many ways acts like he's 10 and so so angry, who can blame him though, this past 8 months have really left an impact on the kid and it's my fault as much as my wifes...

 

Ideas? PLEASE

[dgiirl]

CC, I wish I had something useful to say. Do you guys have a family therapist? I think you and your wife both need to learn how to set some ground rules with your youngest. Right now, he's playing one off each other and is winning.

[Ladyjane14]

Hmmmm.... so the wife thinks she can unload on you at will, and the kid thinks he can smoke weed in your hot tub.

 

To begin with, you and your wife no longer have the kind of relationship where she can dump her toxic waste on your head and then just apologize later. You said, "I told her it's alright, I have to take a lot of the blame and that I'm OK....."

 

But it's NOT alright. You've put alot of work into changing the things that caused problems in the marriage on your part. The past is GONE, and you can't change it. So... if she needs a whipping boy to take her aggressions out on, it's NOT going to be you from now on. I recognize that she apologized, but she apologized last time too.... and apparently didn't much mean it, because it didn't stop her from verbally abusing you again this time.

 

Let her know that you will no longer tolerate this behavior from her. You can be pleasant while you do it, but stand firm in your convictions. You've come too far to be treated so disrespectfully. And regardless of what happened in the past, you've kept a roof over their heads and food in their mouths all these years. You deserve better treatment than this from both the wife and the kid.

 

Which brings us to youngest boy. He's 18 next week. You can't stop him from smoking dope. But..... he can't smoke dope and live with YOU. I can't even imagine how difficult it must be to have to take a tough love stance with your own kid. I feel REALLY bad for you on that.

 

I think Owl has been dealing with some similar issues. You might send him a PM, but if memory serves, that's the tack he took.

 

I'd give him lots of love and support on everything else.... but if you don't actively discourage the unwanted behavior, you tacitly encourage it. I think if it was me... I'd set up a lunch date with him and have a nice man to man talk about what he's hoping to accomplish in the future, and how his choices are going to affect that.